Uncle John’s Briefs
Page 22
MILITARY INDUSTRIAL SIMPLEX
Andorra is a small country between Spain and France. In the 1970s it reported an annual defense budget of $4.90. The money was used to buy blanks to fire on national holidays.
SMUDGERS & SLEEPERS
A few bits of top-secret spy lingo.
• Terminated with extreme prejudice: When a spy agency executes one of its own spies for betraying the agency. (As opposed to just firing—terminating—them.)
• Fumigating: Searching a home or office to remove or neutralize any listening devices, or “bugs.”
• The British disease: A reference to several members of the British upper classes who betrayed their country by becoming spies for the USSR after World War II.
• Sleeper: A dormant spy; sometimes an employee of a government agency who won’t begin spying until he or she is promoted to a position with access to classified information.
• Smudger: A photographer.
• Case of the measles: An assassination made to look like a death from accidental or natural causes.
• Shopworn goods: Spy information so old or out of date that it’s completely useless.
• Jack in the box: A fake torso, sometimes inflatable, that’s put in a car to fool surveillance teams about how many people are riding in it.
• Backstopping: Creating fake background material (employers, phone numbers, etc.) to enhance the credibility of a spy’s cover.
• Spy dust: Invisible powder the KGB sprinkled on door knobs, inside cars, etc., so that they could track diplomats and suspected spies as they moved around Moscow.
• Cover: The fake identity that a spy assumes to blend in with his or her surroundings.
• Overhead: Planes or satellites that spy from the sky.
• Cannon: Spies are sometimes paid large sums of cash. A cannon is a professional thief hired by an intelligence agency to steal the money back.
• The Farm: Camp Peary, the 10,000-acre facility near Williamsburg, Virginia, where CIA agents get their spy training.
If you’re average, there's an 80% chance you have oatmeal in your kitchen.
THE AVRO ARROW, PART I
If you’re not from Canada, you’ve probably never heard of the
Avro Arrow. If you are from Canada, you may never forget
it. Here’s the story of the fastest plane that never was.
HERE WE GO AGAIN
When the Soviet Union tested its first nuclear weapon in 1949, just four years after the end of World War II, it seemed like the next world war, this time a nuclear war, was just around the corner. The Soviets were also developing long-range bombers—could they be planning to attack Europe and North America?
Canada’s response was to develop jet fighters that could intercept and destroy any Soviet bombers before they could attack their targets. The first such aircraft, a jet fighter named the Avro CF-100 Canuck, entered service in 1953. By then, however, the Soviets were already working on a new generation of jet-powered bombers, which would be able to fly higher and faster than any they’d built before. The Royal Canadian Air Force felt they needed a supersonic jet fighter to counter the Soviet threat.
DO IT YOURSELF
Specifically, the RCAF wanted a plane that could fly at Mach 1.5 (one and a half times the speed of sound), climb to 50,000 feet in less than five minutes, and fly for 300 nautical miles without refueling. There were no planes in existence or even on the drawing board that could meet those specifications, so in December 1953 the Canadian government awarded Avro Canada Ltd., the builder of the Canuck, a $27 million contract to begin work on developing just such a plane. When completed, it would be the fastest fighter plane ever built.
Building the Arrow, as the plane was called, was problematic from the start. Avro’s plan was to design the airframe and then buy the engines, the weapons systems, and the other major components from outside suppliers. But when its first and second choices for jet engines were both discontinued, Avro decided to design the engines in-house. The company encountered similar problems with its choices of missile and firing systems. All these setbacks caused the cost of the Arrow to soar, but the RCAF remained committed to the project. While this was happening, the Soviet Union detonated its first hydrogen bomb and rolled out two different kinds of jet-powered bombers. There was no time to waste—in 1955 the Canadian government awarded Avro a $260 million contract to build five test planes, followed by 35 production aircraft.
A 30-second commercial costs about as much to produce as a 30-minute sitcom.
TURNING POINT
Avro had never built a supersonic aircraft before, yet it managed to design and build one of the world’s most sophisticated aircraft in just under four years. But the timing couldn’t have been worse: On the very day that the first flyable Arrow was rolled out in front of 12,000 spectators in October 1957, the Soviet Union sent Sputnik, the world’s first artificial Earth satellite, into space. If the Soviets were launching satellites, could nuclear-tipped missiles be very far behind? Defense planners wondered if combat aircraft would become obsolete in the missile age. Meanwhile, the Arrow’s cost kept climbing.
Earlier that year, Canada and the United States had begun to coordinate their air defense with a $270 million system that called for using nuclear-tipped antiaircraft missiles, not fighter planes, to intercept enemy bombers. Could Canada afford both missiles and fighters?
In September 1958, the Canadian Department of Defense cal culated that even after having spent $300 million on the Arrow, another $871 million was needed to finish the program. That was an astronomical amount of money in 1958, and Canada had far fewer taxpayers than the U.S. did to shoulder the cost. The government decided that rather than build 40 planes as planned, it would commit only to finishing the handful of airplanes currently under construction. The rest of the program was placed under review.
BLACK FRIDAY
Then, without warning, on the morning of February 20, 1959, the Canadian government announced it was scrapping the Arrow immediately. Avro employees learned of the decision 20 minutes later, and at 4:00 that afternoon it was announced over the P.A. system that all 14,525 of them were out of a job. Another 26,000 Canadians working for Avro subcontractors lost their jobs, too.
For Part II of the story, turn to page 262.
Crazy fact: About one in four U.S. adults will suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder this year.
DIE-HARD CHICKEN
Readers have been asking us to tell this story for years. It was so
weird even we had a hard time swallowing it…but it’s true.
OFF WITH HIS HEAD!
On September 10, 1945, Mike the rooster was making his usual rounds in the Olsen farmyard in Fruita, Colorado. He paused for a moment to join the other Wyandotte chickens as they hunted and pecked for grain outside the chicken coop. Mike didn’t notice the dark shadow that fell across his path. It was Lloyd Olsen.
Clara Olsen had sent her husband out to the chicken coop on a mission: catch the rooster and prepare him for dinner. Lloyd Olsen grabbed Mike and put the rooster on the chopping block. Remembering that his mother-in-law (who was coming to dinner) loved chicken necks, Lloyd took special care to position the ax on Mike’s neck so a generous portion of neck would remain. He gave that rooster one strong whack and cut off his head.
Mike the now-headless rooster ran around in circles, flapping his wings. At this point, most chickens would have dropped dead. Instead, Mike raced back to the coop, where he joined the rest of the chickens as they hunted and pecked for food.
Lloyd Olsen was flabbergasted. He kept expecting the rooster to keel over. It never happened. The next morning he checked again and found the feathered fellow—minus his head—asleep in the henhouse with the hens.
ONE FUNKY CHICKEN
Lloyd decided that if Mike was so determined to live, even without a head, he would figure out a way to give him food and water, so Lloyd used an eyedropper to drip food and water into Mike’s gullet.<
br />
When Mike had managed to live an entire week, Lloyd and Clara took their headless wonder to scientists at the University of Utah to determine how it was possible for the bird to stay alive without a head. The scientists determined that the ax had missed the jugular vein, and a clot had kept Mike from bleeding to death. Although his head was gone, his brainstem and one ear were left on his body. Since a chicken’s reflex actions are controlled by the brain stem, Mike’s body was able to keep on ticking.
Rabbits are more closely related to horses than to rodents.
MIRACLE MIKE
Sensing that Mike had the possibility of becoming a real cash cow (or chicken), the Olsens hired a manager and took him on a national tour. Audiences in New York, Los Angeles, Atlantic City, and San Diego paid a quarter each to see “Miracle Mike.” Time and Life magazines ran feature articles on the amazing fowl. Mike even made it into Guinness World Records. This “Wonder Chicken” was so valuable, he was insured for $10,000.
For 18 months, Mike the headless chicken was a celebrity. Then one night in a motel in Arizona, he started choking on some food. Lloyd tried to save him, but he couldn’t find the syringe he had often used to clear Mike’s throat. Moments later Mike was dead—this time for real.
Those who knew Mike, which included many of the residents of Fruita, remembered him as a “robust chicken, and a fine specimen, except for not having a head.” One recalled that Mike seemed “as happy as any other chicken.”
GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
Mike’s been dead for almost 70 years, but his spirit lives on in Fruita. In 1999 the Chamber of Commerce was looking for something more interesting than “pioneers” as the theme for Colorado Heritage Week, when someone suggested Mike. Now, every third weekend in May, folks in this town of 6,500 gather to celebrate the remarkable rooster at the “Mike the Headless Chicken Festival.”
The two-day-long celebration features the 5K Run Like a Chicken race, egg tosses, Pin the Head on the Chicken, a Cluck Off, Rubber Chicken Juggling, and the Chicken Dance. Chicken Bingo is played with chicken droppings on a grid and there is a Famous Fowl Pet Parade, for which owners dress their dogs, cats, and horses like chickens. Of course, great quantities of chicken—fried or barbecued—are enjoyed by all.
In 2000 Mike was memorialized in a statue made out of rakes, axes, and farm implements by artist Lyle Nichols, who said, “I made him proud-looking and cocky.” And he gave the chamber a discount on the sculpture…because it didn’t have a head.
The average married Englishwoman living in the 1600s gave birth to 13 children.
WHEN YOUR HUSBAND
GETS HOME...
Here’s a bit of advice taken directly from a 1950s Home Economics textbook.
It was sent in by a reader, along with the comment: “Times have changed!”
No kidding. Believe it or not, this was part of a course intended
to prepare high school girls for married life.
Have dinner ready: “Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal—on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.”
Prepare yourself: “Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.”
Clear away the clutter: “Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.”
Prepare the children: “Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small) comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.”
Minimize all noise: “At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him: Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.”
Some don’ts: “Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.”
The point where your nose meets your forehead is called the nasion.
Make him comfortable: “Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax—unwind.”
Listen to him: “You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.”
Make the evening his: “Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.”
THE BEST & WORST TIPPERS
According to a poll in Bartender magazine:
• Lawyers and doctors are the worst tippers. Normally, doctors are the #1 tightwads. In rougher times, it’s lawyers. The reason: “There are more lawyers and less work.”
• The biggest tippers are bartenders and “service personnel.”
• As smoking gets more restricted, cigar and cigarette smokers—who are, in some states, allowed to smoke in the bar instead but not at restaurant tables—are becoming notably good tippers.
• Other leading tightwads: teachers, software engineers, musicians, professional athletes, and pipe smokers.
• Other top tippers: hairstylists, mobsters, tavern owners, regular customers.
• Vodka drinkers are good tippers. People who order drinks topped with umbrellas are bad tippers.
• Democrats tip better than Republicans.
No plant on Earth has an absolutely black blossom.
JESUS IN SHINGO
An unusual legend, and a fascinating place to visit.
THE ROYAL TOMB
If you’re visiting the tiny village of Shingo in the far north of Honshu island in Japan, you can take a path up into the woods until you come to a dirt burial mound. Rising above it is a large wooden cross. This, says local legend, is the final resting place of Jesus Christ.
The legend claims that Jesus’ brother took his place on the cross, allowing Jesus to escape from Israel. He made his way across Siberia, then traveled into what is now Alaska, and finally ended up in Japan. There, the legend continues, he married a Japanese woman named Miyuko, had three daughters, and lived to the ripe old age of 106. Many people in Shingo believe the legend is true—and the “Christ Museum” next to the tomb claims it has the proof.
The story seems to have started somewhere around 1935, when a priest in the area discovered what he claimed were ancient scrolls. The 1,900-year-old documents were Christ’s last will and testament, he said, indicating that Shingo is the location of Jesus’ grave. According to a local museum, the original scrolls were destroyed in World War II and all that exist now are copies. But other evidence supposedly supports the claim:
• Although the tomb was never opened, rods thrust into the dirt around it confirm it is lined by stones, an honor only bestowed on people of great importance.
• For hundreds of years it has been a local tradition to draw charcoal crosses onto babies’ foreheads, a practice found nowhere else in Japan.
• Many ancient kimonos from Shingo have been found decorated with what appears to be a Star of David.
No serious historian believes the legend, but more than 40,000 people make the trip to the “Tomb of Christ” every year, and many visit with the garlic farmer who owns the land on which the tomb sits—a man who is reputed to be a direct descendant of Jesus. He, like a surprising number of other peo
ple in the area, has blue eyes.
Pop Quiz: What was the real name of Larry from The Three Stooges? A: Louis Feinberg.
OSCAR’S BLOOPERS
Some goofs from Best Picture winners.
Movie: The English Patient (1996)
Scene: During a flashback, Almásy (Ralph Fiennes) writes a note that ends with “December 22, 1938.”
Blooper: When Hana (Juliette Binoche) reads the note in the present, it ends with “December 22.” What happened to the year?
Movie: Rain Man (1988)
Scene: Raymond (Dustin Hoffman) is spouting off air-travel statistics, stating that QANTAS is the only major airline to have never had a fatal crash.
Blooper: Between 1927 and 1951, QANTAS had eight fatal crashes. (QANTAS, by the way, was the only major airline that didn’t delete this scene for its in-flight movie version.)
Movie: The Godfather, Part II (1974)
Scene: Toward the end of the movie, the characters are talking about Pearl Harbor and how it happened on “Pop’s birthday.”
Blooper: The Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor on December 7. According to the tombstone from the end of The Godfather, Pop’s birthday is April 29.
Movie: Gladiator (2000)
Scene: During the Battle of Carthage in the Colosseum, one of the chariots flips over.
Blooper: Look closely when the dust settles and you can see that this ancient Roman chariot was equipped with a gas tank.