Wyne and Dine (Citizen Soldier Series Book 1)

by Donna Michaels

  She wasn’t the right fit.

  God, she wished she was.

  But her key didn’t work.

  Since she considered the Wynes family, and had no intention of avoiding them when she returned to the area for visits, Lea was determined to salvage whatever she could with Ben. She set her shoulders, walked straight to the residence wing door and typed the code for admittance.

  “Hello,” she called out, surprised to find the area quiet as she walked down the hall toward the kitchen and family room.

  Had she gotten the day and time wrong?

  As she rounded the corner, her breath caught. “Ben.”

  “Hey,” he said, leaning his long frame up against the counter, arms crossed over his chest as if he’d been waiting for someone.

  “Am I here on the wrong day?”

  He shook his head. “No. I asked everyone if I could have some time alone with you. They’re all at Timbers waiting in the back room for us.”

  Her heart slammed into her throat. Time alone with Ben…why? Hope wanted to take flight, but Lea had learned years ago never to give it premature wings.

  “Okay,” she said cautiously as she chose a spot across the room from him and adopted his stance against the cabinet. “What did you want?”

  “To apologize for being the biggest ass in town.”

  Her lips quivered, wanting desperately to smile, but this was serious, and he had stuff to get off his chest.

  “I’m really sorry for running out on you. I don’t have an excuse other than I panicked. It felt like something was choking me. I had to get out. That’s all I knew.”

  God, she made him feel that awful? “I’m sorry my feelings for you have caused you distress, Ben.”

  He blew out a breath. “Lea…don’t.”

  “Don’t what, Ben? Feel? I told you.” Several times now. “Too late. You knew I had feelings for you way before we started having sex.”

  “I never wanted you to get hurt.”

  She sighed. “You were upfront with me. Always. I know that as well.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I know that, too. And I understand you panicked, but at least know why you panicked.”

  “I was there, remember? I think I know why.”

  “But you don’t, Ben.” She shook her head. “You think it’s because of my emotions for you. But you’re wrong. It was because of your emotional response to me.”

  He opened his mouth, and she could almost hear the denial on his lips, but he hesitated, just a little, and she knew she had been right. He hadn’t considered that possibility. But now he could.

  “So, if you’re ever naked, laying out on your back swing wrapped in a blanket with a naked girl, at least know why you’re about to panic,” she said.

  His lips twitched into a smile. “Yes, ma’am. So, what do we do now?”

  “That depends,” she said, eyeing him close.

  “On what?”

  “On whether or not you want to continue to have sex.”

  He swallowed, clearly not expecting that.

  “I’m moving to the city in two days, but I’ll be coming in on weekends, every once in awhile, and I would like to continue to see you.”

  He clenched his jaw and inhaled, heat and regret and need all mixing to darken his gaze before he blew out a breath and shook his head. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “Can I ask why?” Yea, why was he breaking her heart?

  “Because I’d end up hurting you, and I don’t want to do that, Lea. You deserve someone who can give you what I can’t.”

  She wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shout, you are what I deserve. You are what I want. You are already hurting me. But, she knew he was still a far way from facing his emotions. Hell, he hadn’t even acknowledged them yet.

  “Okay, so, what do we do now?” she asked, throwing his earlier question out there again.

  “How about we go to your going away party as friends?” he asked, holding out his hand.

  Reaching for his hand, she brought a smile to her lips. “Deal.”

  Definitely not how she wanted to go to the party, but she had vowed to patch things up with Ben, and if this was all he was capable of giving, then she would just have to accept things, even though her chest felt like it had caved in.

  All day Saturday, Ben had kept busy, thankful it was drill weekend. He didn’t need to think of Lea. But her smiles and laughter and sighs constantly flittered through his head. If he could just figure out how to stop them, then maybe life could get back to normal. Back to the way it was before…sex with Lea.

  That was how he labeled things in his head, now. Before sex with Lea, and after sex with Lea. The latter made him sweat just thinking about the things they’d do after sex.

  Swallowing a curse, he yanked the door closed on the equipment cage on the drill floor when he turned around and nearly ran into both of his brothers. With their military haircuts, uniforms and dark eyes, they could’ve passed for twins, except Mason had a good inch on Keiffer’s six foot frame.

  “What’s up, girls?” Ben asked, already finding the conversation old.

  “You tell us.”

  Grumbling, he pivoted around and marched across the drill floor. The soldiers had been dismissed twenty minutes ago, and the armory had pretty much cleared out. He removed his hat and ran a hand over his head. It had been a long day, and tomorrow they would all be back to do it again. The last thing he needed was prying from the peanut gallery following close behind him.

  “We’re just wondering how long you’re going to go around with your head up your ass.”

  “Nice,” he muttered. Keiffer sure had a way with words. “As long as it takes.” He shoved the hat back on and shook his head as he bounded up the stairs, taking them two at a time. The sound of boots clapping off the steps behind him echoed in the stairway as he headed to his third floor office.

  Damn, they still followed.

  “As long as it takes for what?” Mason asked.

  He yanked the door open and glanced over his shoulder. “For both of you to get off my damn case.”

  Keiffer nudged Mason. “Yep, he’s got it bad.”

  “And still doesn’t know it.”

  “What are you talking about?” he asked, opening his office door.

  “Your feelings for Lea.”

  Ah hell. “Are you back to that again?”

  “Yes,” Keiffer replied, dropping down in a chair in front of Ben’s desk. “Until you admit it, until you look deep down inside that buried heart of yours and realize you’re in love with the woman, then we’re going to keep going back to that again.”

  In love?

  Hell no.

  He wouldn’t be stupid enough to do that. The burning pain in his chest was just anxiety from everyone wanting him to feel. He twisted around and stared both his brothers down. “What kind of bullshit are you spouting now?”

  “It’s not bullshit,” Mason said quietly as he shut the door and leaned against it, as if to make sure he didn’t bolt from the office. “It’s the truth. For someone who hates liars, you’re becoming very good at it.”

  “Yea.” Keiffer nodded. “Can you honestly look back on all the time you spent with Lea and say with utter certainty that you have no feelings for her?”

  As much as Ben wanted to say yes so damn bad, he couldn’t. It would’ve been a lie. He’d had feelings for her since he was a teenager. She’d been a good friend, not only to Brandi, but to him, too.

  She’d been there when he’d had issues with his mother leaving for New York. There when Brandi’s mother had died. When Gwen had left him. Standing vigil with him that terrible September, while he waited all day, all night and all day at the bus station parking lot for his friend to return. There when he didn’t.

  There when he’d returned from Ground Zero two weeks later, numb. Broken. Hardened.

  Lea was a rock. His support.

  She was his anchor.

  He walk
ed over to the window and stretched an arm out to lean against the frame as he stared down across the street at Gabe’s. Customers came and went. A waitress in a blue apron weaved around the tables, but it wasn’t Lea.

  His heart sank. Would never be her again.

  She was gone.

  If he thought the pain in his chest had been bad before, this was worse. This was much worse. Tight, unrelenting. Suffocating. He sank down into the nearest chair and blew out a breath.

  Lea had always been there with a ready smile. She was always first to volunteer when someone needed help. Working side by side, filling sand bags during the flood of ’06. If it wasn’t sand bags, she was feeding the troops. Lea was everywhere in his life.

  She was his life.

  Ben began to shake. He didn’t want to feel. He wanted to run, to turn it off, but it was too damn late. The floodgates had opened and all the emotion he’d buried behind the dam burst free and washed through his system unchecked.

  “Here.” Mason shoved a cold drink in his hand. “You look like you could use it.”

  Keiffer cupped his shoulder and held tight. “Yeah. You look like you just got a clue.”

  He nodded, cracked open the soda and tossed back half the can. Yeah, he got a clue. Several days too late, but he finally got a clue. He set the cola on his desk and slumped back in the chair.

  Son-of-a-bitch. His brothers were right.

  He was in love with Lea Gablonski. And he let her leave without telling her.

  “So, what are you going to do about it?” Mason asked.

  He shrugged. “Nothing.”

  “What do you mean, nothing?” Keiffer frowned next to him.

  He stared hard at his brother. “She lives in New York now.”

  “So? You love her, you go after her,” Keiffer said, incredulous look on his face.

  Ben shot from his chair and began to pace. “It’s not that simple.”

  “Sure it is.”

  “No, it’s not.” He twisted around to stare down at his brother. “Didn’t you hear me, she’s in the city. I don’t go there, remember?”

  His youngest brother rose to his feet and leveled a serious gaze on him. “Maybe you should. It’s been a long damn time, Ben. You used to love the city.”

  Yeah, before all hell broke loose. Before good people died. Before lives were torn apart. Before the carnage…

  He needed air. He strode to the window, grasped the pane and yanked it open. That didn’t help. He pulled at his collar. His chest was so goddamn tight.

  Two strong hands clamped around his shoulders and held him still. “It’s okay, Ben. You’re okay. Breathe. Look at me.”

  He blinked, and Mason’s concerned brown gaze came into focus.

  Yeah, there was no way he’d be visiting the city anytime soon.

  Chapter Fifteen

  By three o’clock Saturday afternoon, Lea was already settled into Gwen’s place. She hadn’t packed too much, so there wasn’t much to unpack. Just some clothes, her laptop and of course, some books.

  And three photos. One of her and Brandi at the wedding. One of her and her brother, sister and father at the wedding. And one of her and Ben her sneaky sister had taken of the two of them dancing to a slow song. She remembered the exact moment. Could hear the Joe Nichols song. Feel Ben’s strong arms around her. Feel his heart beating strong and steady under her palm. See the affection in his gaze, the affection the poor guy never knew he’d revealed. It warmed her, even now, with them in different states. Living different lives.

  She swallowed past her tight throat, and swiped away the tears. Dammit. She said she wasn’t going to cry anymore.

  Her phone buzzed with a text message from Brandi.

  Skype?

  Okay, she texted back, then wiped her face again before walking over to open her laptop. She inhaled then blew out the breath as she sat down and answered the call.

  “Surprise!”

  “Congratulations!”

  Horns blew, confetti fell into view as her five friends from Harland County filled her screen.

  Lea laughed, her heart warmed by their thoughtfulness. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. Of course we weren’t going to miss congratulating you on this momentous occasion. I’m sorry I’m not there, hun,” Brandi said, gaze filled with emotion. “You’ve wanted this forever. I’m so proud of you. You went out and got it. You got it.”

  Now her eyes were filling with emotions. “Yes, I did.”

  She swiped at the tears. But they weren’t happy tears. They were miss him tears. Dammit. She’d wanted Ben forever, and she tried to get him. She really did, and at one point, God, she almost had him. She knew it. She’d felt it, but…his walls were too strong. Impenetrable. And she’d failed.

  She had her dream job, but not her dream man. Ecstatic over one, and devastated over the other. It left her a mixed up mess.

  She sniffed.

  “Oh boy. I know that sniff,” Jordan said.

  Kerri nodded. “Me, too.”

  “I know that look,” Shayla exclaimed.

  “Yeah, been there.” Even Caitlin chimed in.

  Brandi moved closer to the screen. “What has my brother done now?”

  “Nothing. It’s all me. I was the dumb one. I fell in love when I knew it was a bad idea. But I couldn’t help it. I did it anyway.”

  “You’re human.”

  She nodded.

  “Does he know how you feel?” Brandi asked.

  A small snort escaped her. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’d seen it in my eyes the morning he panicked and left me naked.”

  Kerri shook her head. “Men.”

  “Yeah, typical,” Jordan said, as the girls all murmured their agreement.

  “So, what now?”

  “Nothing.” She shrugged. “I start work on Monday. My life is here now. I’ll stay here and love my job and be miserable without him. It wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t care about me. If it had just been sex for him. But it wasn’t. I saw actual emotion in his eyes, Brandi. He does care about me.”

  “Of course he does, hun. I saw the way he looked at you, too. When he thought no one was looking and his guard was down. My idiot brother is in love with you. Maybe this absence will force him to admit it.”

  God, she hoped so.

  “It will. It worked for Cole, although, I have to warn you, Lea, men can be stubborn,” the somber sheriff said. “It took my husband several months, so don’t give up on Ben. Just because he doesn’t come around the first few weeks, doesn’t mean he won’t.”

  Hope did that little flicker flutter thing, and she found she could breathe again.

  “Okay. Thanks.” She sniffed and wiped her face. “Now, how ‘bout we get to celebrating?”

  The girls cheered, blew horns and tossed more confetti, and Lea did her best to push her sadness aside and focus on the positive. On her achieved goal. After all these years, she was finally working in a museum in New York City.

  Yes, that was definitely something to celebrate.

  She just wished her mother was there to help celebrate.

  That Ben was there for her to share her achievement.

  Neither were possible.

  By the middle of November, Ben was miserable. He was going through Lea withdrawals. His body even shook at times. It was pathetic. So was the fact he was sitting on his back porch swing, just to be close to the memories. Just to be close to her.

  Yeah, pathetic.

  Two weeks had gone by and still no Lea. She hadn’t come home on the weekends. And he needed her to come home because he couldn’t go there, damn it. And he couldn’t breathe or get warm. Something was missing inside him. So much was missing.

  He hated being weak. But he broke out in a cold sweat every time he considered getting on a bus to go to her in the city. And he didn’t even know if she wanted to see him. He’d been an ass. Didn’t really deserve any kind of a second chance with her.

  But, hell…he wanted one.
>
  Of course, he had no idea what he could possibly offer her. It was all new to him. He had no damn clue how to be in a relationship, then he realized, they’d been in one all along. It had never, ever really been just sex with them, no matter how much he’d try to sell that to himself. His heart had been involved from the get go.

  Then it hit him. The familiar warning of an impending feeling. It started at the back of his head and tingle down his neck to spread out in his shoulder blades and chest. Then the heaviness appeared. He didn’t breath. Didn’t move. He let the feeling wash over him to get a sense of who was in trouble.

  He got flashes of the city. Museum. Buses. Kids...

  Lea.

  Ben was on his feet, phone in hand as he made his way inside the cabin and dialed her number.

  Straight to voicemail.

  “Damn it.”

  He began to pace, his chest tightening to unbearable whenever he glanced at his keys on the hook. His head was pounding, ears ringing, and he broke out in a cold sweat.

  “Get-it-the-fuck-together,” he said between clenched teeth.

  Then another feeling hit him.

  The museum. Kids. Buses. Lea.

  Goddammit, that told him nothing.

  He sucked in a deep breath and glanced around his kitchen. The memory of Lea still haunted him. Her smile, the heat in her gaze when she’d told him he was hot. The way her breasts bounced when she’d ripped off her shirt and bra and stood in just her jeans. The light and affection warming her eyes as she gazed at him on the swing.

  He glanced around the empty cabin, feeling just as empty. Nothing new. In fact, most of his life had been empty. His doing. He’d held people at bay. Sought out a warm body when the emptiness became too much. Then he’d retreat back to his solitary existence…and existed.

  Until Lea.

  She’d always sneak in past his defenses with a smile, or laugh, or touch, never asking or demanding. Just giving.

  And now she was in trouble. He had to go.

  Lea needs me.

  Those three words cut through the haze fogging his mind and the ringing subsided in his head. His vision cleared.