by A. S. Kelly
“Darling…” I touch her face sweetly. “Please don’t think that way.”
“I don’t think it, I know it,” she says, proudly lifting her head in confidence.
“I know it just as I know that Alex feels this for you, something so big that it drives her to give up the possibility of you two being together, so that you can avoid the pain of it. She said that were destroyed after your mother’s death. She’s hiding behind her illness, Jay, she’s just trying to protect you.”
“It’s not her task, it’s not anyone’s job. I can take care of myself like I always have done and I’m able to make my own decisions.”
“And you did make your decision. Five years ago.”
I look at her in confusion.
“Isn’t that right, Jay? Didn’t you run away to avoid suffering again?”
Yes, I did. But I was a hurt boy.
I was stupid.
And now I’m an asshole.
“You let her leave when she was convinced that you didn’t want to be with her, that you didn’t want to go through everything with her. She was scared and confused and you let her go,” she concludes simply.
And I am again feeling like shit.
“I was young and immature and I needed time to understand what to do, how to get close to her without provoking more damage.”
“I know that, but you let her know that you didn’t want anything to do with it.”
I shake my head to distance those dirty words from me, those true words.
“I’m different, I’ve changed…I can do it now. Now I can take care of her.” And as I’m saying it I realize it’s true, it’s really what I’m feeling.
I could do anything, even if it’s just counting her breaths, her heartbeats per hour. Anything, to be able to fill my eyes with her smile and be invaded by her laugh.
“You still don’t understand, Jay.” She smiles again affectionately. “She doesn’t want someone to take care of her. She doesn’t want someone who is afraid of making her suffer or making her angry.”
“I’m not following you.”
“She just wants someone to love her.”
—
ALEX
“Hi, Alex, come on in. I ordered Chinese.”
“And…”
“He’s not here, we’re alone.”
I relax and walk through the door. I wasn’t sure whether I should come, but Rain promised me Jason would not be here tonight and I figured that getting out of the house away from my dad for one night would be good for me.
“Patrick and Erin are out to dinner. We’ve got the house to ourselves and Liam will sleep on the couch when he gets home.”
“I’m sorry about that.”
“Knock it off, even if you’re just joking around. I’m happy to have a girls’ night.”
“Yeah, me too.”
We sit down comfortably on the couch ready to pick a movie to watch for the night. We eat in the dining room with our plates on our laps and relax with a mindless comedy.
We laugh, joke around and I start to feel better, calmer: being with Rain helps me. I missed her a lot when I was away.
Her phone goes off and Rain interrupts this moment of peace to get up and go answer it and I take the opportunity to go make us a cup of tea.
“Hi Liam. What’s wrong, can’t stay away from me?” she jokes and I smile because I know she’s happy because she’s found someone who loves her for who she is, which is simply fantastic.
“O-okay, I understand. But how can I?” I hear her say before she starts stuttering.
“Alright, okay. I’ll try. I’ll let you know.”
She hangs up and gives me a look that foreshadows something I don’t feel like dealing with tonight.
“What is it?” I ask and my mood has already changed.
“I know I promised you a nice calm night, with just the two of us, but the pub is jammed full of customers and they need me.”
“I understand,” I say, lowering my gaze. “I can go home…”
“Umm…to be honest, we could use a hand.”
“What?”
“I do realize I’m asking you for a lot and it could be too stressful for you, but you’ve worked in your dad’s coffee shop and being at the bar at the pub isn’t much different.”
“Me? You want me to work the bar? I don’t know, Rain…”
“I wouldn’t ask you if I weren’t sure you could handle it. Just a few hours to get them by the rush or until Patrick gets back.”
“I can’t face him tonight,” I admit, defeated, even if I know I can’t avoid it.
Here I am in his house, even if he’s not in it. If I know he’s not coming, I continue to look at the door, hoping it will open and there he’ll be with his rebellious hair and crooked smile.
Even if he’s not here, I feel it, his presence. It’s something that weighs heavily on me, rendering all of the barriers I’ve set up ineffective in not dragging me down to the depths.
Even if he’s not there, his absence is something that splits my chest in two and makes me want to die if I can’t kiss his lips just one more time.
“Here we are,” Rain announces as we enter the pub in a hurry, taking off our jackets. It’s true, the place is jammed with people and Liam is alone at the counter while Aaron, Jay and Keith are serving tables.
“Oh Dear, finally…Thank you.” Liam goes to give her a quick kiss. We had a stag party tonight and the guys are going crazy here. I have to get out on the floor. Can you handle it up here?”
“We got it.”
“Alex,” Liam says, looking at me. “If something’s not right or you feel like fainting…”
“I’m fine, Liam. I help my dad out sometimes. I can do this.”
He smiles at me and gives me a pat on the back before hitting the floor. Rain puts on her apron and we get to work behind the counter.
I like working with customers in the library, I don’t get much chance to integrate and contrary to what everyone seems to think, it’s not working that’s the problem, it’s not a sense of exhaustion. My emotions are my trouble, that’s what gets me.
The first half an hour goes by with no problem. Jason doesn’t even come near the counter. He limits himself to taking orders and passing them off to Liam and when he clears tables, he brings the tray directly to the back without even looking in my direction.
It hurts a little, but I suppose I’m the one to blame. I wanted it this way. He’s just respecting the space I asked him for.
I serve three Guinnesses to Liam and then I hear it, those words—those damned words that make me instinctively close my eyes and pray my heart won’t stop.
I’m not okay… I’m not okay… I’m not okay… You wear me out.
I don’t have the courage to open my eyes because I know his are there. I can feel them scratching my skin all the way down to my heart.
But you really need to listen to me… Because I’m telling you the truth… I mean this, I’m okay! (Trust Me).
And then I can smell him behind me, that intense perfume that opens all of my senses. And his hand goes up my arm until it reaches my shoulder.
I’m not okay… I’m not okay… Well, I’m not okay… I’m not o-fucking-kay… I’m not okay… I’m not okay (Okay).
“It’s not alright like this, Alex,” he whispers and even though the music is too loud, I can feel it with my whole body. “We can’t pretend nothing is happening here.”
And so I turn and meet his eyes. Serious eyes, determined, decided.
They aren’t the eyes of a scared boy. They aren’t the eyes of an immature idiot who’s ready to run. They aren’t the eyes of someone who is suffering.
They are the eyes of a man in love.
“You can’t…you can’t save me, Jay.”
“No. No, I can’t.”
“And I don’t want you to feel like you have to be here for me.”
He sighs in frustration.
“You can’t do anything for me.”
“And that’s where you’re wrong, Alex,” he says, giving me a grin.
He puts his hands in my hair and wraps a piece of it around his fingers before letting it go over my shoulder; he runs his fingers along with it to my chest, playing with it distractedly, and that touch makes me quiver.
“I can do something for you, Alex. I can live with you,” he continues and it’s hard for me to keep standing.
My legs give way and I grab out to him to keep from falling to the ground.
“How…how can we…?” I ask, clearing my throat.
“Mmm?”
“How could we live…together?”
He doesn’t answer. He just keeps looking at me and I feel like I don’t want to know his answer.
This is enough for me.
His smile and confidence are enough.
It’s enough that he’s here.
14
JASON
We got home very late tonight, the guys with the stag party just did not want to see a good thing end and we didn’t see any reason to break up the party, so we let them have go on drinking until we had to call cabs to take them wherever they were going, incapacitated by booze as they were.
I was the last to leave and as I was locking the door, Alex put her hand on my shoulder to make me turn around.
“You can…uh, come home with us,” she said, embarrassed.
“Are you sure?” I asked her, raising an eyebrow.
“It’s your house, I don’t have the right to throw you out.”
“I don’t give a damn about the house, Alex. If my not being there helps you relax I won’t come near those walls. I’ll sleep on the street if necessary.”
She smiles at me and shakes her head, her golden hair following her movements and all I want to do is pull her close to me.
“See you at home,” she concludes, before walking away with Liam and Rain.
“Who would like a cup of tea?” Rain asks as soon as we get back.
“Not me, thank you. I’m tired, I think I’m going to hit the hay,” Alex responds.
“Sure, go on to my room, I’ll be there shortly.”
“Take mine, I’ll sleep on the couch.” I tell them.
Alex throws me a confused glance. “Go on, really. I’ll be out here for a while anyway.”
“Are you sure, Jay?” Rain asks. “It’s not a problem for Liam.”
“Really guys. I wasn’t going to bed right now anyway. I’ve got some contracts to go over.”
“Thanks, Jason,” Alex says.
Jason.
And it’s all I can do not to throw myself on her and squeeze the life out of her.
Alex goes upstairs to my room and after a while everyone goes to bed. I stay in the living room with my guitar, trying to vent what I’m feeling, knowing that she’s upstairs, in my room, in my bed, wrapped in my sheets.
Then I remember the problem about her irregular heartbeat and the possibility of her heart slowing during the night without anyone being aware of it, and I jump to my feet.
What an idiot. Why didn’t I think of it? She can’t sleep alone.
I leave the guitar on the couch and slowly climb the stairs. The door to my room is semi-open, so I gently push it and close it behind me.
Alex is asleep, wrapped up in my bed covers.
Her perfume is in the air and her presence here is palpable.
I can feel it all around me and I don’t know how I can face one day without it.
Alex is everywhere.
In the walls around me, in the fibers of the blankets, in the air I breathe, in my confused mind, in my incomplete soul.
Alex is in every damned thing.
Everything is full of her.
I am full of her.
Alex will never go away, even if death should tear her away from my arms, because she will always be here, in my heart, where her place is and always has been.
“Hey…” Rain sticks her head in the doorway. “You’re here. She didn’t bring the monitor and she can’t be alone all night. Someone has to stay here.”
“I know,” I reply, simply falling into the armchair in the corner. “I never would have let her sleep alone. Go on to bed, I’ll be here.”
“Are you sure?” she eyes me with suspicion.
“I won’t even think about touching her, Rain, if that’s what’s worrying you.”
Rain doesn’t answer me and before leaving gives me a smile as if we were co-conspirators.
I sit like a statue in the armchair, I don’t move a muscle, I don’t close my eyes.
I couldn’t do it.
I won’t go… I won’t sleep… I can’t breathe … Until you’re resting here with me.
She is here, in my bed and I’ll stay and watch her all night, for life if necessary, because what I now feel has a name: it’s love, true and frightening.
Something that will not be satisfied.
A love that I’d like to wash over her like a river that would wrap her up and keep her safe from everything.
I can’t go anywhere, I can’t sleep, I can’t even breathe until she’s here with me.
I won’t leave… I can’t hide… I cannot be… Until you’re resting here with me.
I haven’t lived away from you, I haven’t been anything.
I am nothing, Alex, nothing without you.
—
ALEX
I wake up slowly and turn in the bed, hugging the pillow. I can smell his scent in the sheets and I feel oddly well, safe.
At home.
I force myself to open my eyes. I rub them while yawning. Then I push myself up onto my elbows and there he is, a few meters away from me, sitting in the armchair.
“Good morning.” He smiles.
“Goo-good morning,” I say in return, confused.
“Were you here all night?”
He nods and smiles again.
“You didn’t have to do that, it’s not necessary,” I say, annoyed. “I don’t need someone watching over me!” I sit up straight, settling in the middle of the bed.
Jason gets up from the armchair, rubbing his face with his hands and adjusting his rebellious hair. He’s wearing sporty pants, no shirt or socks, in all his splendor.
I have to swallow hard a few times to tear my eyes away from his perfect body.
God, you did good work with this one.
He comes closer to me and sits right next to me.
“I was just watching you sleep.”
“All night?”
“All night, Alex. I just wanted to be able to watch you without causing any damage.”
“Oh,” I say, feeling stupid.
“You are…” He sighs before looking me in the eyes. “You are beautiful, Alex.”
I blush, realizing I’m only wearing a tank top and a pair of shorts under the covers; so I cover up the best I can, wrapping my arms around my chest.
He smiles mischievously without taking his eyes off of me.
“Could you….turn around?”
He starts laughing leaning his head back and I could just faint at the sight of his abs.
God, he is gorgeous.
“I’ve been watching you all night, Alex. Believe me there’s nothing I haven’t already seen.”
“What!” I yell furiously. “You’re a…you’re…” I can’t finish the phrase because my heart starts pounding and I bring my hand instinctively to my chest, fearing my heartbeat will accelerate too much.
“Don’t get mad, you’re going to upset yourself…”
“But I want to get angry, Jason. Don’t you understand?” I yell again, getting up from bed. “I want to be enraged with everyone. With the entire world. I want to scream and be crazy without…” I stop before my emotions get the better of me.
Jason comes towards me and I take a few steps backwards and he respects the distance I am creating between us.
“Get mad at me, Alex. Just with me. Vent everything you’ve got in there. Yell, cry. You can say anythi
ng you like, and I promise you that with me nothing will ever happen.”
“You can’t make those promises. I…I could die anyway, whether you’re there or not.”
“We’re all going to die, Alex.”
“I’ll probably go first.”
“You’ll bury all of us,” he says calmly, taking two steps towards me. He touches my face gently with the back of his hand, forcing me to look him in the eyes.
“I’ll surely die before you,” he continues, smiling.
“What makes you think that?”
“Because I could die right now, right here at your feet if I don’t kiss you immediately.”
My heart goes painfully crazy at the thought of his lips touching mine. It’s something I haven’t had the courage to even think about in these last years.
“The last time you tried to kiss me I almost died,” I say, looking away and holding back the tears.
“Well then, that means I won’t kiss you.”
“N-no?” I ask, confused, looking again into his eyes, lost.
“Not today. Let’s say I’m going to try to survive for now, but will you promise me something?”
I look at him, frowning.
“Promise me that when I do kiss you, you’re not going to faint.”
“Now you’re giving yourself too much credit,” I say, swallowing a smile.
He smiles too, coming in closer, speaking right into my lips. He rests his hand on my chest, right where my heart is and I shiver at the tenderness of his touch.
“When I do it, Alex, when you’re ready to accept that I’m the only man that’s going to kiss you from now on, I promise you that it will be perfect and that neither of us will end up with a heart in pieces. That’s not going to happen anymore.”
I swallow hard and try to keep my heartbeat in check but I am confused by his words and am having a hard time concentrating.
“That will be your first kiss with me.”
“Honestly, that ship has already sailed—”
“Nope,” he interrupts me. “That wasn’t a real kiss, Alex. I can do more. Much, much more.”
15
JASON
