by A. S. Kelly
“Let me understand this. Your father was able to fix the mess I created?”
“Yes, Patrick, I’ve already explained this to you at least three times. He’s got it under control. He put in a good word and the recording company is ready to meet us again.”
My father is giving us a hand. I never would have expected it from him, and yet he’s really working it to help get us another shot at success. Even if he says this is really the last shot there is.
“And we seriously have to go—”
“—To London, that’s where their HQ is, and don’t freak out about it!”
Patrick gets dark in the face and starts playing with his tongue piercing. That thing has always bothered me, I don’t know how he can stand it in his mouth. I turn my attention to Liam, who also seems worried.
“Something wrong?” I ask, seeing as neither of them seem particularly enthusiastic.
I know it’s not a definite chance and after having come to nothing as it did last time, it’s not likely that the music business ‘suits’ will be super understanding, but they have agreed to meet with us, so maybe it’s not all over for the band.
I wasn’t sure about going away for a few days. I’m not sure about keeping a distance from this place, from this life we have here.
From her.
I just found her again and I’m taking little steps to get closer to help her deal with the fear of it. And so leaving now would set me back to the starting point. But, at the same time, I don’t want to pressure her too much. I don’t want to suffocate her by spying on her every breath.
And on the other hand, we’ve been working on our music, we finally have some new material in hand, maybe this really is our moment.
“Have you told Alex?” Patrick asks me seriously.
“That’s none of your business.”
He can’t ask me that, he doesn’t have the right. As far as I can see, the only one who has something to hold him in this place is Patrick.
“I don’t know that this is the right moment…”
“What the hell, Patrick!” I huff in frustration. “You have always been the one pushing us all to play. I understand that now you’ve got a family and music is now a secondary priority for you, but come on! Isn’t it what you always wanted? What we all wanted? Don’t you want to give Erin and Lily a better future?”
I take it out on him, vomiting out all of my frustration and indecision onto him. I’m a coward, hiding my fears and drawing his out, so as to avoid showing my own weakness.
He’s not an idiot. Contrary to the way he sometimes appears, Patrick understands everything.
Patrick understands more than any of us.
“Jay, take it easy. You’re nervous and upset. Is there something you want to tell us?” Liam interjects.
“There’s nothing to say,” I cut it short.
Patrick scratches his head and mutters something about it being opening time. I watch him as he goes to the door and I feel guilty for having taken my frustrations out on him. I’m just about to stop him and apologize when Liam speaks again.
“So, how are things going with Alex?”
“Not at all, Liam. We’re standing still in time. She’s afraid and I’m just in the background. There’s really not much to say.”
“But you told her how you feel, didn’t you?”
“Not exactly…”
“Did you tell her that you love her?”
I turn my head toward him and shoot lightning bolts at him with my eyes. I never said I loved her, that’s something I keep to myself, even if I think my love for her would probably be visible from the moon.
“So what are you waiting for?”
I sigh and get up from the stool. I take the guitar and put it back in its case.
I’m not ready to admit my sentiments, it’s already hard enough for me to accept that I am hopelessly in love with her. There’s no need to parade it around.
“Jay,” Liam chastises. “You have to face this thing, for her good and yours too.”
“It’s not the right moment.”
“And when is, then? When will the right moment be? How many years have you been carrying this around with you?”
“Hey, listen. You are not the person to be giving me advice on this. I’ll remind you that you’ve been in love with Rain your entire life and you just told her a few months ago.”
“My situation is very different from yours.”
“I don’t think so. We’re in the same shit.”
“Speak for yourself. I’ve gotten over mine and am doing everything I can to deal with it for her love, because she deserves a happy life and, shit, I do too.”
He’s right about that, they both deserve it, and so does Alex. As far as I’m concerned, it’s not like I think I don’t deserve it, I just don’t know if I can face it all, to really love her and set aside all my fear of being alone and crying over my broken heart.
I don’t want to end up like my dad and what I can’t ignore is that I know Alex could die in any moment.
I’m a coward, I know. I am denying myself a lifetime of love with her because she might leave me, taking all that’s left of me with her.
But how else could it be? How could I not be terrorized?
“Jay, she’s fine, everything’s under control.”
“I know,” I admit, resting my head against the wall.
“You have to just do it. Take the leap. After you do, it’ll be over in a minute, I promise you. Fear will always be there, but you will have been paid back in love, the desire to be together and—”
“Hey, since when have you been so understanding about things like this?”
He smiles and shrugs.
“Since I accepted love, Jay.”
That’s easy to say. It’s not that I haven’t accepted it, I did that a long time ago, I’d say. And I’m not afraid of taking care of her, either. I’d happily stay by her side night and day despite everything.
I could stay with Alex just to watch her breathe and it would be enough for me, because the only thing I want is for her to continue to do so for a long, long time. Infinity, I’d say.
All I want is for her to stay alive.
—
ALEX
“Hi, Dad. Can I give you a hand?”
I go down to the coffee bar in the late afternoon. It’s just a few hours before closing time and I was tired of sitting around in my room checking on Facebook for new incriminating photos.
I was tired of acting like a jealous little girl.
Which is what I am.
After the other morning, when he said he wanted to kiss me, I’ve been living with my heart in my mouth in a state of continual anxiety. I’m not able to concentrate on work. I can’t do anything other than think of him, in his room, in front of me, barely dressed. There’s nothing I can do to distance myself from that.
“I wouldn’t want for you to get tired out.”
I huff. “I’m not tired, Dad. I worked a bit this morning and I haven’t done anything this afternoon. I’m bored and would appreciate having something to do. This isn’t difficult work for me, and I’m fine.” My tone is too harsh, but good Lord, how many times do we have to listen to this same broken record?
My father looks at me for a few seconds and with a sigh lets me pass behind the counter.
“But you stay here, don’t serve the tables.”
“Dad…”
“I like having you nearby.”
I raise up on my tiptoes and give him a tender kiss on the cheek.
My dad’s the best.
“So, dear, how are things going? Did you have fun with Rain the other night? Were you good? Did you see Jason?”
All those questions just to get to that last one, huh?
Jason.
“I ran into his father yesterday,” he continues, not waiting for my answer. “He told me things are getting better between them. I’m glad, they needed to make up for some lost time. He’s a good kid.”
/> I nod and prepare two cappuccinos that have been ordered.
“I’m happy they finally have some kind of chance with their music. After Rain’s accident, I thought those four guys would be sidelined forever, and that they would have been full of resentment and regret. Instead, they’ve got this other chance at it…”
“Chance? What chance?” I ask with my mouth agape and my eyes wide open.
“A London recording company called them for a meeting. Didn’t Jason tell you?” he asks with fake innocence.
I return my gaze to the cups I’m preparing and I’m overwhelmed by a strange sadness. I don’t want to cry in front of my father.
“I’ll be right back,” I say, backing away from the counter.
He doesn’t say anything. He knows me and understands I have to digest this on my own.
I go upstairs and head to the bathroom, close the door and rest my back against it. I look at my reflection in the mirror and I realize the tears have already appeared without me realizing it.
Jason’s leaving. He’s leaving me again, after having told me all those things.
I take two steps forward and rest my hands on the sink. My tears fall into it, mixing with the water I’ve just turned on to wash my face.
I didn’t believe it could hurt so much.
Again.
And yet, we’ve just seen each other again, and I’m so painfully in love with him still, as if five years have voluntarily flown out the window.
I knew I should have continued to avoid him, that I shouldn’t have let myself get involved. That I never should have started hoping.
I knew that again, it would end up like this for me.
16
JASON
“So, have you called her?”
“Don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Liam huffs and turns his back on me, resting his head on the window and closing his eyes, letting his leg dangle nervously.
We are on the plane going to London to meet the manager my father got us the appointment with.
I have to be honest, I didn’t feel like going, but we’ve set things in motion and I can’t turn back now. I’ve always pushed to make it happen before my world came crashing down when I saw her at the pub.
Patrick and Aaron are sitting in the aisle next to me and both are showing signs of frustration on their faces. I look at my friends and think of my situation and I ask myself, what the hell am I doing here? No one seems to be thrilled about the direction this is taking. No one wants to be on this airplane right now; and yet, here we are, going towards our destiny together as we always dreamed we would.
I turn to Liam and give him a nudge with my elbow to get his attention.
“What?” he barks.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re gnarly, and it’s very clear you don’t want to be here.”
“That’s the effect London has on me.”
“Because of what happened here?”
He reflects for a few seconds before sighing and shaking his head.
“I know you can’t understand it, Jay. That lifestyle…that way of making music…all of it. It’ll kill us.”
Liam had a bunch of problems during his time as a musician in London after Neil died and everything that went with it: the drug addiction, depression, the desire to just end it all. It wasn’t easy to get back to a normal life and I think it’s normal that he’d be afraid of falling into all that stuff again.
“I know that things didn’t go very well for you, that you were overwhelmed…”
“No, Jay. It’s not just that. That world isn’t for us, believe me.”
“I don’t follow you.”
He straightens up in his seat and rests his arm on the rest. He rubs his forehead and wipes the tiredness from his eyes. He seems undecided as to whether he should talk or not.
“Let’s just say that the rock-star type of life pulled out the worst in me.”
“I believe you, friend. You were a wreck…”
“Yes, I know. But I saw people falling into that vortex day after day. A big emptiness, because that’s what it is and you don’t get out of it. I don’t think we were made for it.”
“Us? All of us?”
“I’m not completely out of it. It’s true, I’ve got Rain, things are different. But what I have inside of me is always in there,” he says, touching his chest with a fist. “And it’s always ready to come out.”
“But we’re here…”
He laughs a bit too loudly.
“You think you’re better than me? Take a look at Patrick for example.” He says this loudly, calling for our friend’s attention.
Patrick looks over at us, not understanding what we’re talking about, and gives us the dubious ‘one eyebrow raise’.
“Seems like he’s going towards certain death.”
“You upset with me, Buddy?” Patrick sits up straight in his seat, instantly drawing Aaron’s attention.
“What’s happening you guys?” he says sleepily. “Is there a problem?”
The problem is that we’re not ready.” Liam turns to face us but keeps his gaze cast downwards. “That life is not for us. We are simple people. We have lived with very little or nothing our whole lives. That stuff will be the end of us.”
“What exactly are you talking about? Be clearer,” Aaron asks calmly.
“I’m saying we don’t need some special guy to tell us how to dress, how to talk and how to play. I’m saying they will eat us alive. I’m saying…that...that I don’t want to do this.”
“Don’t you think it’s a bit late to change your mind now?” Aaron challenges, while Patrick and I sit in silence. “We’ve already faced this once and if Patrick hadn’t dumped us at the curb last time, we’d probably be—”
“I tell you it’s not the right moment, Aaron. And maybe it never will be. Don’t you understand? There are things that are a lot more important than having a manager, a piece of paper and all that bullshit they want to propose.”
“Guys,” I intervene, because Liam is starting to get worked up and is speaking too quickly and too loudly. Other passengers are watching him nervously.
“This isn’t the time or the place. Let’s talk about it when we land. We don’t even know how it’s going to go and—”
“Cut the bullshit, Jay. We know very well how it’s going to go. They wouldn’t have us fly out here again if they didn’t have a clear idea of what they want. The way I see it is, that someone just wants to profit from our image. Mine, as a soloist. I’m the ex-drug addict who’s become settled at home, in love. The man who gave everything up for his family. The press will go nuts, they’ll eat us alive. Our nice calm lives will go to the devil, our future… her future will be in ruins. I can’t do this to her.”
I hadn’t thought of it like that.
The silence falls over us as Liam’s words sink in and brings us all to sadly reflect that they don’t really want us but simply want to make capital out of a good story.
“You think they really care about that? Just that?” Patrick asks suddenly, his mood back to normal.
“I’m not saying they aren’t truly interested in our music, but I am saying that they see a lot more to us than that, and they want to make a nice profit out of us.”
“God knows I would never risk Rain’s peace of mind.” Aaron sighs. “We’ve done everything possible to keep her safe from this shit. We’ve been fighting for years for this.”
“And it’s all about to go to hell, Aaron. Our lives, our daily existence. It could mean losing all we have just to get a shitty contract. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about.”
For the rest of the flight, no one says anything. I put my headphones on and try to get lost in the music, looking for answers to all these questions.
Is it really so important? Is it worth it to give up everything to chase success? Is it worth it to risk family, everyone’s peace and love? M
y father’s words suddenly make their way back to me and start hammering in my temples.
As we get off the plane, I can’t think of anything else but Dad and his life and his relationship with my mother. Of the suffering and the remorse. Is that what I want? To be like him? To come to the same end? Am I ready to put all my feelings for Alex into a shoebox and forget how I burn for her when she’s by my side?
Am I really ready to live a life without love?
“Guys,” I say, as soon as my foot hits the last step off the plane.
They turn to look at me, waiting for me to say something, but I’m not able to emit a sound.
I’m scared. I’m terrified about what I’m feeling and what I want: her, in my life forever.
“Everything alright, Jay?” Patrick asks, but I am not able to answer.
I am breathing quickly and I bring my hand to my chest to placate the mass of emotions I should not be feeling but instead are there, my whole fucking life.
They’re there, pushing, looking for a way out, waiting to take advantage of my uncertainty to betray me and show themselves off in all their splendor and to my horror. They are feelings that paralyze me but that I cannot continue to ignore.
I have lost all of these years, I’ve thrown away the chance to spend them next to her, the only person that I truly want to be at my side, and for what?
“Jay?” Liam comes towards me, he puts a hand on my shoulder and lightly squeezes, transferring his warmth and understanding.
I look at him and the feeling in his eyes is there, and he’s ready to give me one of his grins that seem like a smile.
He addresses the others and in a calm, firm voice says: “Let’s go home.”
The guys look at each other for a few seconds before Patrick picks up his big bag that he had thrown to the ground and makes one of his typical faces, that makes me want to sock him in the nose: “At least this time you won’t say it’s my fault.”
—
ALEX
I’m sitting at the bar at the pub. I came to give Rain a hand because the boys are off to London. Erin is at home with Lily and I plan to sleep at their house to enjoy some time with the girls.
