Deep Control

by Annabel Joseph

  “They were…” I couldn’t finish my sentence, because I was crying too hard, but also because there were no words to explain how Devin made me feel when I was in his presence. I could make stabs at it. Comforted. Safe. Happy. Understood. Appreciated.

  Loved.

  “I’m not going to hurt you, not even to punish you,” said Milo, somberly. “I’m not going to take you to The Gallery as my submissive. Ever. I wouldn’t do that to my friend, and I wouldn’t do it to you.”

  “Then what do I do with these feelings? How can I move on?”

  “Admit that you feel them, first of all. Do you love Devin or not?”

  My pitiful sobs were enough of an answer. Milo tsked and handed me the entire box of tissues, along with a trash can to throw them into.

  “I think you need to talk to Devin,” he said. “Unfortunately, he’s in Toronto until Friday. You could meet him there.” He looked at his watch, then back at me. “You could fly there in a matter of hours.”

  “Fly?” Fear choked me before I even said the word. “The thing is, I have this really bad fear of flying. A phobia, really.”

  “I know. Devin told me.” Milo gave me a sadistic stare-down.

  I wrung my hands, grasping for some other way. “Maybe I could…”

  “Maybe you could drive there, yeah,” he said, stealing my cowardly thoughts. “Or maybe you could swallow your fears and get on a plane for love.”

  “But the possibilities…”

  I meant the possibilities of crashing or running out of fuel, or having to land in Lake Ontario, but Milo replied, “Yeah, the possibilities.”

  And that was pretty much that.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight: Devin

  I was at the hotel waiting for room service when my phone dinged, displaying a text from Milo.

  U there?

  I typed a Y for yes, pushing my suitcase aside so I could sit on the bed. Another text came through a moment later.

  Dude. Ella came to see me.

  Her name jolted me. The fact that she’d gone to see Milo jolted me more. Is she okay?

  Debatable.

  That was snark. So Ella wasn’t in trouble, or sick, or dying. Why did she come to see u? I asked.

  Cause of her feeeeelings, Milo typed. I told her to go to Toronto, to see you. Still there til Fri?

  I blinked at my phone. Yes.

  OK

  That was all he answered. OK. That was all he typed, while I had a thousand questions. Why had she gone to him? Was she still with him? What the hell had they talked about? Had he touched her?

  Can she come there? he finally typed. You two need to talk.

  Fuck, I wanted to talk to Ella like crazy, but I didn’t know what to say, how to level the wall she’d put up between us. I wasn’t the genius of the relationship. And even if she wanted to come see me, how would she get here?

  She won’t get on a plane, I texted. She’s afraid to fly.

  I know, bozo. I’m sitting beside her. He typed a monster emoji. She’s a mess.

  What? You’re sitting beside her where?

  On a plane. I’m bringing her to u. But she’s a fucking mess, just saying. Good lust with this one.

  Good lust? What did he mean by that? Had he slept with her? Jealousy consumed me, set me on fire, until he texted again.

  fuck good FUCK.

  My fingers pounded out my reply. WTF MAN?

  Gah. Good LUCK. Autocorrect. I didn’t touch her. He texted four more monster faces. I have to turn off my phone soon. Tell me your hotel.

  I typed the hotel and address. You’re bringing her here? I asked. Now?

  Yeah, but I’m turning around at the airport. Fuck. Hold on.

  There was nothing then, for almost three minutes. I counted the seconds. I imagined Ella flipping out, or passing out, or screaming to be let off the plane. Then he was back.

  I’m leaving her at the airport, he typed. She can make it to your hotel on her own.

  No, I’ll come to the airport. Flight #?

  He texted the info as I stared at the screen, wishing I could see her sitting beside him. What would she say when we were together? What if everything went haywire again? What if our strange connection didn’t connect again? Is she okay? I typed.

  Yes.

  Tell her I want to see her too. Tell her I’ll be here.

  Another pause, then three blinking dots. OK. She’s so afraid. Then, a moment later: This is love, man. Disgusting. I’m turning off my phone.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine: Ella

  Flying with Milo was nothing like flying with Devin. For one thing, the plane didn’t run out of fuel and have to crash land. But the other thing was that Devin had been a pilot, and Milo wasn’t. Devin had reassured me, and answered all my questions about the noises and motions of the plane. Milo told me to breathe when the panic rose up to choke me, but that was about it.

  Of course, I was grateful he’d booked our tickets and come with me. I wasn’t sure I could have flown to Devin on my own, even though I desperately wanted to see him. I was afraid, afraid to talk to him, afraid to admit my stupid fears, afraid of everything I felt for him. Afraid he would treat me as coolly and insensitively as I’d treated him.

  Milo said he wouldn’t. He said Devin wasn’t like that, then he gave me that look, the look that said I was like that.

  God, I’d been such an idiot.

  It’s because I was afraid, I wanted to say. Theoretical astrophysicists could be afraid and stupid. Devin had saved my life, changed my life, defended me from Leo the asshole, removing the barrier that curtailed my freedom. He’d punched out his best friend because he thought he was hurting me, because he was damaged from his past, like all of us.

  I made a soft sound of dismay. Milo looked over at me, then at his watch. “We’re almost there. Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be okay.”

  I held to his words through the descent over Lake Ontario, and the bumpy landing in Toronto. I cried a little as we touched down, clinging to the armrests as Milo shook his head in mockery. Then he cleaned my glasses while I dried my eyes. We’d arrived. We were safe, rolling up to the gate.

  “Okay, kid,” said Milo. “Don’t fuck this up.”

  We got off the plane, navigating from the back of the cabin as I glared impatiently at the other passengers. I’d brought an overnight bag, but Milo had nothing, since he was turning around to go back. I didn’t have a ticket to go back, although, shit, I’d eventually have to get on another plane to go home. I chose not to think about that as we navigated customs.

  “You should text Dev,” said Milo. “Find out where he is.”

  I took out my phone, staring at the screen. This was a new start, possibly the start of something messy and emotional, and maybe…long-term. I thought of my father, who loved my mother unconditionally, through the backwards and forwards of time, and realized how brave that was. If he could love her so deeply, for so long, then I could love someone, too.

  I brought up Devin’s name and composed a text. I’m here.

  He answered right away, like he’d been waiting. Good. I’m outside customs.

  My fingers hovered over my screen. There were so many thoughts in my head. Are you mad at me? I want to see you. I’m sorry for pushing you away. I was afraid on the plane, but I flew here anyway because you mean something to me.

  You mean a lot to me.

  You mean the world to me.

  I love you.

  I didn’t text any of that. Maybe I’d say it to him when I saw him, if I found the courage to tell the truth. Instead I texted, we’re almost through customs. I’m wearing a blue striped cardigan.

  I know. I can see you.

  I looked up, and there he was on the other side of the customs area. It was so white and bright in the terminal that his hair looked platinum, and his eyes electric blue. He was smiling. I could barely breathe.

  I tore my eyes from his gaze and looked back down at my phone, and forced my fingers to move. I love you, I typ
ed.

  I saw him get the text notification, and look down at his phone. The edges of his lips curled up in a wider smile as he composed an answer to my declaration. I know. You came here on a plane.

  I half laughed, half sobbed, and looked up to find him staring at me. He looked away to type again, but then it was our turn at the counter, and I tried to explain in a tearful mess of gobbledy-gook that I didn’t have a return ticket yet because I didn’t know what was going to happen between me and Devin, and that I loved him, and that I wasn’t sure where we were headed, but that everything would be okay because he’d smiled at me, and love wasn’t such a terrible thing. Finally, Milo cut me off and explained in a much more coherent manner that I’d be returning to New York on Friday via Gibraltar Air.

  The kind, graying customs agent behind the counter gave me a forbearing nod and I was free to pass. I left my bag with Milo and walked to Devin, then walked faster as his warm gaze drew me in. I think I was running when I threw my arms around him, or maybe he’d run to me. I clung to him, feeling at ease for the first time in weeks. Feeling safe. What I’d been missing wasn’t a need for pain, it was a need for Devin’s control and security. Milo couldn’t have given that to me. I’d known that all along.

  Milo… I turned to find him coming up behind us, wheeling my carry-on. “Don’t mind me,” he said in a gruff voice. “I just took half a day out of my life for your nonsense.”

  “Ignore him,” laughed Devin. “God, let me look at you. You flew here. Are you okay?”

  “Mostly.” I felt giddy just being close to him. He held my waist, and I pressed against the front of him, needing him near. “I have so much to tell you,” I said. “Mainly that I’ve been stupid and afraid, and I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I need you. I missed you so much.”

  “I missed you, too.” His voice sounded like the Devin I knew, but not. It was a little more tender. Maybe he was anxious too, like me.

  “I’m so sorry,” I cried. “I’m sorry it took me so long to get my shit together.” I pressed my cheek to his, grasping his shoulders. “It took me forever to understand.”

  “It’s okay. Time is only a concept, right? What matters is this.” He pointed down at my phone. He’d texted:

  I love you, too. I’ve loved you forever.

  Forever was a loaded word to someone like me, but I had to accept that forever was possible. I pressed my face into Devin’s neck, glasses and all, and thought to myself, okay, I understand about love now. This is day one of forever…

  And that’s okay.

  Chapter Thirty: Devin

  We were in love. I felt like a different, new man as we waited for our driver, and as I opened the door for her to get in. I didn’t feel different in a movie-of-the-week kind of way. It went deeper than that, like something in my actual body shifted to make room for her, and Jesus, I used to be the guy who didn’t want women’s toothbrushes taking up space in my bathroom drawer.

  I looked over as she settled beside me. “You okay?”

  “Oh God.” She gave a shaky laugh. “That’s the same thing you asked when we met, when we got on that plane.”

  That plane. That plane had started it all. “You weren’t okay then,” I said. “How are you feeling now?”

  “Happy to see you again.”

  I grinned, brushing my fingers through her curls. “You know, that’s what I was thinking when we were on that plane. That I was happy to see you again.”

  “Ha.” She laughed. “Are we reliving that day?”

  We both shook our heads at the same time. “I don’t want to relive that day,” I said. “I remember things going bad a couple hours later. Really bad.”

  She huddled against me. “No, they didn’t go bad. We survived because of you. Maybe that will happen again.” Her voice was quiet, a little trembly.

  I looked down at her. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean that you’re so strong, and you’re so forgiving. You’re trusting that I won’t hurt you again, that I’ve changed.”

  “I have proof that you’ve changed.” I pointed to a plane in the distance, circling up from the airport. “You got on a plane to see me. Makes me think you might be serious about things this time.”

  She hid her face in her hands, giving a classic Ella groan. “The thing is, I was always serious. I was just afraid to admit it to myself. I would sit in my apartment, or in work meetings, and think to myself how much I adored you.” She sighed and looked back up at me. “How much I loved you. And as soon as the L-word popped into my head, I’d go crazy trying to deny my feelings. It was exhausting.”

  I met her gaze and realized she was still a little exhausted. I wished I’d worked harder to understand her, so she wouldn’t have had to deal with all this personal upheaval alone.

  But I’d been afraid of scaring her away.

  “Here’s what I don’t understand,” I said, taking her hand. “You’ll let a club full of horny Doms come at you in Pisa. You’ll play without safe words at The Gallery and be perfectly fine with that loss of control. But when it comes to a deeper connection with someone—when it comes to the L-word—you lose your shit. You’re terrified. You realize that’s the exact opposite of most people, right?”

  “I know. I’m not normal. But neither are you.” She blinked, a blush rising up her cheeks. “I didn’t want to be my father, you know? I was afraid to love the way he did, because he ended up sad and lonely, pining for what could never be. But then I realized I was already living my father’s life…sad and lonely, pining for what could never be.”

  We sat in silence a moment, digesting that thought. I understood her issues with her father, and the loss of her mother. God, I had family issues too, but maybe love had as much power to heal as to hurt. “We fit together,” I said. “We want each other. We shouldn’t be afraid.”

  “I’m trying not to be.” She shifted beside me on the seat, and I stroked her fingers, trying to decode her expression.

  “Are you afraid right now?” I asked.

  “No. Well.” She paused and bit her lip. “There’s something I need to tell you before we go any further.” She took a breath and blurted it out. “I went to Milo’s work, to Fierro Music, and met with him. I asked him to…to take me to The Gallery.”

  I wasn’t shocked by her declaration. Milo had already told me she came to see him, but I was surprised she’d asked him to play with her. Milo had left that part out.

  “Why did you want him to take you?” I asked. “Do you love him, too?”

  “No!” Her eyes welled with tears. “I totally don’t. I didn’t want you to think that.”

  “What, then?” I was teasing, meanly. “Do you like his style of play better? His long hair?”

  “No. It had nothing to do with Milo, really. I didn’t want to go with him, I just wanted to go. I wanted to be…” One of her tears spilled over, and she moved her glasses to wipe it away. “I wanted to be punished.”

  I knew she got off on pain, but this was something different. Her expression tore me up. “Punished for what?”

  “For being stupid. You know, about us.”

  “You’re not stupid.” I put an arm around her and pulled her close. “Okay, it was a little stupid to go to Milo instead of me. But I think both of us fucked up this relationship thing. I think we need to let go a little bit, and let things happen.” The city lights shone in her wet eyes, on her sweet-smelling blonde hair. Beautiful, emotional girl, who was so afraid to let out her feelings. “I want us to happen, Ella. I want to see where this can go.”

  She pressed her face against my chest. “I do, too. I wasn’t happy on my own. I wasn’t really happy until I met you. I’m done running away from my own happiness.”

  “See? That sounds smart, not stupid.” I let go of her hand to run my fingers back and forth across her knuckles. “And if you get afraid again, we’ll talk things out. Okay? No more of this ‘we need to take a break’ crap. No more sneaking off to hook up with my friends.”r />
  “It wasn’t like that,” she insisted. “I wasn’t sneaking. I think I went to him because he was the closest thing to you, but I didn’t really want him. I don’t have feelings for him, the way I have feelings for you. He actually freaks me out.”

  “Good, because I don’t think I can share you with him anymore, or anyone.” I hadn’t wanted to share her in a while, and it was time to be honest about that. “Maybe I can come back around to the idea of sharing eventually, but I want it to be just us for a while. You and I, and all the pain your body can handle, and a relationship, even if it’s scary. That’s what I want, and if you can’t agree to that, I don’t… I don’t think we have a way forward.”

  “I can agree to it.” She hesitated, just a little, but that was okay, because it meant she was thinking about what she was saying, really considering my words. We’d tried being casual, and it hadn’t worked. I was ready to go all in.

  “Are you sure?” I asked in my Dom voice.

  “Yes. Please, Sir. Pain and a relationship. Those both sound really good.”

  She was smiling now, her eyes twinkling with lust. God, I loved that she was lusty; I couldn’t wait to get her alone after all this time. I’d show her pain and a relationship, and how wonderfully they could go together. I’d show her that being with me was way better than being without me, especially when it came to satisfying her masochistic urges. I brought her hand to my lips as the driver looped into the hotel courtyard. I was aching to get her upstairs.

  *

  As soon as we got in the room, I picked up my suitcase and positioned it near the edge of the bed. Then I turned to Ella with an arch look. “You wanted punishment, didn’t you? I can help with that.”