The Affair

by Bunty Avieson

  ‘As I said, he has no interest in becoming involved in your business. He would want a representative, namely myself, who would be involved in all financial decisions. If you needed to buy new equipment, try new varieties, whatever, that would of course be up to you. If you wanted to pursue a course that involved major outlay of capital, say marketing overseas, new production facilities or extra land, then I would need to be involved on his behalf.’

  Frederick looked like a man at war with himself. His brow was furrowed. His eyes darted around the verandah, not taking anything in. He was thinking quickly, weighing up his options. Finally he sighed. ‘Keep talking, boy.’

  *

  Felix stayed on for dinner. It was a subdued meal, but for the first time since Patty had taken ill Frederick dined with them in the kitchen rather than in his office. He spoke only to Felix, remembering as an afterthought to thank Nina for preparing dinner. He avoided James completely. As soon as dinner was over he drove back to the hospital.

  James and Felix sat out on the verandah. The tension of the past few hours, plus the alcohol, left James feeling light-headed. His relief was enormous. Frederick hadn’t committed himself to anything but both Felix and James knew he was interested. For the first time in weeks James allowed himself a glimmer of hope.

  ‘God, Felix, I hope this works out. I can’t believe you managed to set this up.’

  ‘No big deal. It’s what I do. I manage rich people’s money. People who need venture capital to start up a company come to me and if, after looking into their business, I think it sounds promising, I put them in touch with a client who has money to invest. Such investments obviously carry a great deal of risk but the returns are also much greater. Your business, though you may not realise it, is actually a very good opportunity for the right investor.’

  ‘You are a man of many talents, Felix.’

  Nina appeared with two mugs of coffee. ‘You look much happier, both of you. I take it that the meeting with Frederick went well.’

  James wrapped his arms around Nina’s waist. ‘How could he help but be relaxed after that superb meal.’

  He tickled her waist and Nina laughed with surprise. James hadn’t been this amiable for so long.

  ‘Felix has a client who may be interested in buying out all our debt.’

  ‘Really? That’s wonderful. Well done, Felix.’

  Nina felt instinctively that everything was going to be all right. Patty would recover. Felix would find a way to save the winery. And she and James would work it out.

  She leaned down and kissed James on the forehead. ‘Everything is going to be okay then,’ she said softly.

  He smiled into her eyes. ‘Yeah.’

  Nina extricated herself from James and disappeared into the kitchen for the milk.

  The earth seemed still but was filled with the sounds of the night. Cicadas and crickets beat out their shrill song. James drank in the familiar sounds. He felt the calmness spread down through his limbs.

  ‘Whose dumb idea was it to become a Lloyd’s name anyway?’ he said.

  ‘Beats me,’ said Felix. ‘Must have been that Count Mauro de March.’

  At mention of the name, both James and Felix burst out laughing.

  Nina, standing on the other side of the flyscreen door, froze.

  The two men chuckled to each other.

  ‘It’s a long time since I have heard that name.’

  ‘The evil Count Mauro de March,’ said Felix. He sounded out the name, rolling it around in a pseudo-Italian accent, which for Nina was shockingly familiar.

  She felt sick to her stomach. Her hand on the door dropped away and she was suddenly very faint. She crouched down behind the door, out of view, till the feeling passed. He knows. He must know. How the hell does he know? What could he know?

  Nina was suddenly back in a steamy taxi on a wet Friday night hearing that name for the first time. What had Leo said? He was Count Mauro de March, heir to an Italian coffee empire. He had been joking. So how did James and Felix know about Count Mauro de March? This made no sense.

  The optimism Nina had felt vanished in an instant. Instead she felt a terrible foreboding. Had she thought she would get away with what she had done? She would pay. You always had to pay. It was the natural order of things.

  ‘Were you ever the count?’ asked James.

  ‘Yeah, a couple of times. It never worked for me. What about you?’

  ‘I tried it but no, it never worked for me either,’ laughed James.

  ‘It worked for Flat Freddy, you know,’ said Felix.

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Yeah. He and his mates were at a pub in Adelaide after the Grand Prix. He reckoned he was an Italian racing car driver.’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Well, that’s the story. Flat Freddy kept ordering lots of campari for some local signorina and bingo, she thought she was going home to see mama.’

  Nina listened to the ribald laughter that ensued. What the hell were they talking about? She walked hesitantly onto the verandah.

  James changed the subject as soon as she appeared and they talked of other things. He seemed as warm towards her as before but Nina was sure she hadn’t imagined the sudden switch in the conversation at her appearance. The feeling of foreboding persisted. It cast a pall over the rest of the evening for Nina. She found it impossible to join in with the laughter and jokes. Eventually her face ached from the effort of pretending to be jolly when she didn’t feel it. She felt as if her world was about to come tumbling down. Her treachery and deceit were about to be uncovered and her flyblown heart laid bare in all its putridity for the rest of the world to see. She felt shamed. She wondered if, unbeknown to her, the exposure had already begun.

  Frederick came home. He looked happier than he had in days.

  ‘She’s looking good,’ he said with a grin. ‘She’s getting back to her old self. She told me off for not bringing you in to visit her, Felix. And asked after your parents. Perhaps tomorrow, after we’ve looked at the books, you may like to pop your head in before you head back to town.’

  ‘I’d like that, sir, if Mrs Wilde is up to it.’

  ‘Good. Well, I’ll turn in. That was a good dinner you cooked, Nina. Thank you. Patty was pleased to know you were looking after me.’

  Frederick inclined his head towards James, without looking him in the eye, then turned to go back inside.

  ‘Goodnight, sir,’ said James quietly.

  ‘Yes, well, goodnight all,’ said Frederick, throwing his words over his shoulder.

  James looked crestfallen.

  ‘Give it time,’ said Felix when Frederick was out of earshot.

  ‘Yeah, sure,’ said James. ‘It’s not like I crashed the family car. It’s a bit worse than that.’

  Frederick’s appearance dampened the boys’ high spirits and they agreed to call it a night.

  Once they were alone in their room Nina was edgy and unable to relax. While James prepared for bed she roamed around the room, looking at things on the shelf, peering at the faces of the schoolboys on the wall. One photo showed James sitting next to a boy who looked remarkably like Leo. He had that same lopsided grin and big baggy shorts. Nina was imagining him everywhere. She had to shake herself out of this.

  ‘Who is Count Mauro de March?’ she suddenly blurted.

  James looked sheepish.

  ‘Oh, you heard that? Whoops.’ He hesitated.

  Nina braced herself.

  ‘It’s the name we used to impress girls when we were at school. We made him up. The exotic rich European count who could be anyone you wanted him to be – a racing car driver, European royalty, French movie star. It was just harmless fun when we were trying to impress the girls to get them into bed.’

  Nina’s mind worked furiously. What was he talking about?

  ‘It never worked for me,’ said James.

  Nina continued to stare blankly at him. Her mind, awash with incriminating pictures a minute ago, was having trouble making
sense of what he was telling her.

  ‘So who would use the name Count whatsisname?’

  ‘Well, anyone could. We didn’t designate who could use it before we went out. It just sort of happened.’

  ‘Who’s we?’

  ‘The guys at school.’

  ‘They all had access to this name?’

  James laughed. ‘Well, it wasn’t like that. No-one had copyright on it or anything. I don’t remember who originally came up with the name. I wonder if Felix would remember. But why do you ask?’

  Nina knew her face was behaving oddly. She should be relaxed and flippant about this boyhood fun, matching James’s lightness, but she was struggling with her expression. She couldn’t make herself smile.

  ‘What’s wrong, Nina?’

  ‘Nothing … I …’

  James watched her.

  ‘Darling, what is the matter? It was just a silly boys’ drinking game. It was a joke. Why has this upset you so much?’

  Nina shook her head. How could she explain the pain that pierced her heart. Sudden, inexplicable, blinding pain. Count Mauro de March was the name they used to get girls into bed. She felt humiliated and foolish.

  She walked over and looked again at the photo on the wall. Half-a-dozen schoolboys sitting in a row laughing. There was Felix, James, a couple of others and then someone who looked like a young Leo. They all wore the uniform of a private Sydney boys’ school. Nina felt as if the walls were closing in on her. Everything had become so complicated and messy and sordid. She wanted to set it right.

  ‘James, we need to talk.’

  James sat up. He took in Nina’s tone, her manner. Everything about her screamed serious.

  ‘What is it, darling?’

  Nina continued to pace around the cramped room. She walked from the top of the bed to the foot, around the end to the door, and then back again. She looked at the pictures and banners on the wall and the books in the bookcase. She couldn’t look at James.

  This was so hard. So much had happened. ‘For the past month or so I’ve noticed you were distracted. You seemed preoccupied and I didn’t know why,’ she began.

  James tried to see the recent past from Nina’s perspective. He saw her loneliness and felt bad. ‘Nina, I’m sorry. I know I have been a pig to live with. I know I virtually ignored you. I am so, so sorry. I just did not know what to do. This Lloyd’s thing has been a nightmare.’

  Nina nodded. ‘I know. Well, at least I know that now. But that’s the problem. I didn’t know what was going on. I can’t see inside your head. From the moment I met you we have talked, about everything. For you to face that disaster and shut me out is probably the most hurtful thing you have ever done.’

  James pulled at a loose thread on the bed coverlet. ‘I guess I was trying to protect you,’ he said softly.

  ‘Protect me?’ Nina was incredulous. She stopped pacing and stared at her husband.

  James nodded. ‘I didn’t want to … to worry you.’ It sounded so weak, even to his own ears. He hadn’t really considered it from this angle until now and he was realising that his action didn’t hold up to closer scrutiny.

  ‘You think I don’t worry when my husband doesn’t come home? And when he does he locks himself in the study all night? You think I don’t worry when he suddenly won’t talk to me? James, I have been beside myself with worry. And I have been very lonely. I missed my husband.’

  James murmured something unintelligible. He looked contrite.

  Nina sat on the bed. ‘James, you can’t keep anything from me again. Not like that. If there is something worrying you, you have to tell me. Otherwise a gap opens up between us. And that’s … dangerous.’

  James agreed. ‘Yes, you are right.’

  Nina stood up and started pacing again. She hadn’t planned this conversation and wasn’t sure how to proceed. She was surprised when James blurted: ‘In that case I do have something else to tell you.’

  Nina stopped and looked at him.

  ‘Now I don’t want you to get upset or angry. It happened a long time ago. But I should have told you as it might explain … well, as it might explain something about what is going on.’

  ‘I’m listening.’

  ‘Years ago, before I met you, I had a drunken fling with Amanda. Don’t ask me why. We were pissed and I don’t know, but next thing … well … we did.’

  Nina looked at her husband. This was so unexpected. Amanda. James and Amanda? ‘How long ago?’

  ‘Before I came to Canada. Before I went to London with Felix in 1987. Years ago.’

  ‘Just the once?’

  ‘Yes, just the once.’

  ‘Does Mark know?’

  ‘I have no idea. I certainly never told him. Amanda was working on door sales with me. I left soon after and the next time I saw her was when I came back with you. As you know I didn’t keep in touch with my family much, except for sending Mum the odd postcard. I was surprised when Mum wrote and told me Amanda was going to marry Mark. But then I thought, why not? They have a lot in common. They are passionate about wine.’

  ‘Wow,’ said Nina.

  Her legs felt tired. She sat in the chair at the desk and faced him. James wanted Nina to know everything. It was suddenly vitally important to him that they not have any secrets.

  ‘Amanda hates me. She told me the other day that she feels I used her and then dumped her. That I behaved like a pig to her. What can I say? I was drunk. I thought she was too. I didn’t see it as the beginning of anything. But it looks like maybe she did.’

  ‘Is that why she is so awful?’

  ‘To you? Probably. I’m sorry, Nina. I should have told you. I know it’s been hard for you, starting a new life here in Australia, without any of your friends and family around. And having her as your sister-in-law probably hasn’t made you feel so very welcome.’

  ‘No, you’re right there,’ agreed Nina.

  Nina thought of Amanda. She didn’t like her but she was beginning to understand her. ‘I don’t suppose Amanda is used to being rejected,’ she said. She sighed deeply. This conversation had not gone the way she had intended. She wondered how she could bring it back. Well, I have something I want to get off my chest …

  James got out of bed and knelt at her feet. He put his arms around her legs and looked up at her. ‘Nina, I adore you. I would never do anything to hurt you. The day I stood beside you and promised to love and honour you I meant every word. Amanda will get over it. It’s just hurt pride. And if she doesn’t, well that’s her problem. It has nothing to do with us, not that it ever did have.

  ‘And I apologise from the bottom of my heart for the pain I have caused you over the past few months. I missed you, too. I don’t ever want a gap to grow between us again. When I have a problem, I’ll tell you.

  ‘Let’s draw a line in the sand tonight. Here and now. Let’s forget the past. Everything that has gone on is behind us. It is irrelevant. We start afresh right now.’

  Nina stared at her husband. Did he know? He was kneeling there in front of her, his face open and honest and was offering her redemption, a clean start. The force of his love almost overwhelmed her. She knew she had a choice. It was speak up now or forever hold her peace.

  She leaned forward and took his head in her hands. ‘A clean start. Here and now, my love. I’m all yours.’

  CHAPTER 14

  Dr Jones’s rooms

  7 February 2001

  The doctor was deliberately ambiguous. His words hung in the air.

  ‘Your son doesn’t have any bad Wilde genes.’

  Nina remained deathly silent. It was as if even the blood in her veins had stilled. She dared not look up. He knew. The doctor knew. It was obvious in the way he spoke, the choice of words and his manner. His voice was soothing but his light blue eyes were hard, and cold, staring at her with uncompromising directness. She felt like he was looking right into her soul.

  Nina started to tremble. He’s going to tell James that Luke is not his so
n. He’s going to do it sitting here, right now. No, no, no. It will kill James. Please don’t tell him. Why does he have to find out? Oh my God. How can I get James out of here? Nina ceased to think rationally. She saw her life with James and Luke crumbling into a pile of rubble. A wave of panic engulfed her.

  James and the doctor watched as a range of expressions flitted across her face. It was partly hidden from them as she stared intently at her hands, clasped together in her lap.

  ‘Nina,’ said James softly.

  She seemed to have retreated inside her own head. The relief that he and their son were healthy must almost be too much for her, he thought. He felt such tenderness for his wife. She was so vulnerable and he felt himself to be personally responsible for her happiness. It wasn’t rational and Nina would have been surprised if she realised how deeply he felt it, but it was part of what he saw as his role as husband and protector. He needed to be needed. To see her this upset physically hurt him. That he and his son were the cause of her pain made his sense of responsibility all the more intense. He didn’t doubt that she loved him. It was what drove him out of the house each morning to work and sent him home just as soon as he could. Not for James nights drinking with his mates or golf weekends out of town. He just wanted to be with her, around her, in her space, loving and protecting her. After ten years of marriage, that desire had never waned.

  Nina felt James’s voice coming to her from a long way off. She could feel the warmth of his fingers inside her elbow. Comforting, solid, tangible. Anchoring. James did that for her. He was solid. Whenever she thought she might fade away, he was there, grounding her.

  Nina lifted her face to him. He didn’t seem to find anything unusual in what the doctor said. In fact he was looking relieved. He had been told what he wanted to hear. He was healthy and his son was healthy. The facial tic had stopped. He looked like he had just been handed the world. But Nina was getting a different message. She tried to appear normal, giving James a little reassuring smile that she didn’t feel. She had to get him out of there. Fast. Before this oaf of a doctor said anything further.