Kiss

by Jacqueline Wilson

  'No, that's private too,' I said.

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  'Don't be silly, Sylvie, it's j u s t glass. And I've contributed to his collection, haven't I? I want to see where he's put my paperweight.'

  'But it's Carl's private place. He doesn't want anyone to go there, especially without him,' I said.

  'You go there. And he's t a k e n Paul there too.

  So why can't I go? I won't touch anything, I just w a n t to look. Where is it?' She squinted down t h e bottom of the garden to the yew hedge.

  'Behind the hedge!' she said. She marched off, bottom waggling beneath h e r short net skirt.

  'Come back here, Miranda,' said Mick. He said it quietly, but there was a steely tone to his voice.

  She took a few more steps forward defiantly, b u t then stopped. She t u r n e d her head, flipping back h e r hair, her cheeks flushed. 'Mm?' she said, as if she hadn't quite heard.

  'The Glass H u t is Carl's. It's private, as Sylvie says. No one goes there unless Carl expressly invites them. I think you'll have to wait for your invitation, Miranda.'

  M i r a n d a raised h e r eyebrows b u t didn't argue. She nibbled her lip, suddenly looking childish. Then she walked back to J a k e and tucked her h a n d into the crook of his elbow.

  'It looks like I'm settling for a tour of your paintings as I'm denied a glimpse of the famous glass collection,' she said.

  'Sure,' said Jake.

  She started tugging him towards the house.

  It didn't look as if I was included in this 224

  invitation. Then Jake turned, nearly at the house.

  'Aren't you coming too, Sylvie?'

  'In a minute,' I mumbled.

  I waited until they'd both gone in the back door. Then I looked at Mick. He was gathering his essays, tapping them on his lap, getting them neatly squared up. He caught my eye and went 'Phew!' cartoon style, blowing up into his own nostrils.

  T o u r friend Miranda makes quite an impact, Sylvie,' he said.

  'I know,' I said. 'I'm sorry I didn't ask you and Jules about h e r coming to lunch. She j u s t kind of asked h e r s e l f

  'I can well believe t h a t . She's a bit full-on, isn't she? I'm not sure our J a k e can handle h e r

  – a l t h o u g h I g a t h e r it's Carl she's really interested in.'

  I shrugged.

  'Well, she's wasting her time,' said Mick, and he reached out and gave my shoulder a little pat. Then he paused, his h a n d resting lightly on my arm. 'Sylvie, I don't know what's going on with Carl. Is he j u s t being a bit of a d r a m a queen, s h u t t i n g himself away like this, barely talking to anyone? Or is he really u n h a p p y about something serious?'

  'I don't know,' I said miserably. 'He doesn't seem to w a n t to tell me stuff any more.'

  Miranda a n d I stayed to lunch. Carl didn't join us. Jules p u t his meal on a tray.

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  'I'll t a k e it up to him if you like,' said Miranda.

  'Thank you, dear, but I think Sylvie h a d better do it,' said Jules.

  I j u m p e d up quickly a n d took t h e t r a y upstairs. I put it down outside Carl's door. I didn't knock. I simply p u t my mouth to the door and said, 'Here's your lunch, Carl. I've left it j u s t outside. I'm so sorry t h a t we came and banged on your door. I promise we'll leave you alone now.'

  I wanted to add, I love you. I mouthed the words, but didn't dare say them out loud.

  Miranda left shortly after lunch. She didn't like Mick and Jules being firm with her and she got bored of flirting with J a k e . I left too. We went back to my house b u t Miranda was still fidgety and restless.

  'Maybe I'll phone Paul.'

  'I thought he was going to phone you.'

  Yes, but you know w h a t boys are like. They say they'll phone but they never do.'

  'Do you want to go out with Paul again?'

  Yes. Well. Not really, b u t he'll do until someone more exciting comes along.'

  'I don't like him one bit,' I said. I paused, rehearsing the next words in my head, needing t h e m to come out as casually as possible. 'Why do you think Carl likes Paul?'

  'Because he's . . .' Miranda waved her h a n d s around for inspiration. 'He's a lad. He's good looking and he's sporty a n d he likes a laugh.

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  He's j u s t got this cheeky fun thing about him. I know you don't like him, Sylvie, b u t don't you think he's pretty fit looking?'

  'He's nowhere n e a r as good looking as Carl.'

  'Mm. Yes. B u t Carl's more your blond choirboy good looking. I t h i n k Paul's more sexy.'

  'Even though he couldn't do it properly?'

  'Well, most boys are hopeless at it at first.'

  'In your wide experience,' I said.

  'It's a whole lot wider t h a n yours,' said Miranda.

  She tried dialling Paul. He didn't answer, so she left a message.

  'Hey, you, it's Miranda, and it's three o'clock and I'm bored bored bored. Do you w a n t to get together somewhere? Call me then, asap.'

  Tou're bored bored bored?' I said.

  'I was j u s t saying t h a t as an excuse to ring him, silly,' she said. 'Still, I'd better go home, in case he comes round calling for me. Plus the parents might actually be a bit twitchy seeing as I promised to be back by lunch time.'

  I felt relieved when she went. I was starting to wish we h a d n ' t made friends. I didn't w a n t to be friends with Lucy either. I j u s t wanted Carl for my best friend.

  I lay down on my bed. Albert Bear was on my pillow b u t I flicked him overboard. I reached out for my old teddies on my windowsill and remembered the games Carl and I had first played together when we were little. We were jungle explorers a n d t h e s e t a t t e r e d nursery-world 227

  creatures, pink teddy, baby blue ted, a Scottie dog with a t a r t a n ribbon and a floppy sheep t h a t looked as if it had been r u n over – they were our wild animals.

  The softest and littlest, baby blue ted, was the most lethal. One bite from him h a d a devast-ating effect. We took it in t u r n s to froth at the m o u t h and fit while t h e other performed complex medical procedures with a spoon and a pair of plastic scissors and a skipping-rope stethoscope.

  My soft animal collection sometimes morphed into our children, Alice Pink, Benjamin Blue, Charlie Scottie, who threw terrible barking tantrums, and Michael Sheep, who was very very stupid but sweet-natured. We must have had our four children out of wedlock because we sometimes played Weddings. I made Alice a bridesmaid's dress out of a pink silk scarf.

  Benjamin, Charlie and Michael were pageboys until we got to church, and then Benjamin became a very short vicar, wearing a black glove over a white tissue so t h a t he had a proper clerical collar.

  Carl did Benjamin's voice and asked if I wanted to m a r r y Carl Anthony Johnson. I stood there in my white nightie with a bouquet of dandelions and said, I do, I do, I do, promising to love a n d obey h i m u n t i l d e a t h did us part.

  I wondered if Carl was still lying on his bed on t h e other side of the wall. Maybe he was even 228

  remembering t h e same games, thinking the same thoughts.

  My mobile w e n t ching-ching. I j u m p e d and pressed the message key, h e a r t leaping, but it was only Mum asking if I was OK and h a d I h a d a good lunch at Jules's. She promised she'd definitely be back by tea time and how did I feel about h e r bringing Gerry back to meet me?

  Oh God. I texted back: PERHAPS NOT. LOVE S.

  I lay back on my pillow and felt so lonely I started to cry a little, tears seeping slowly sideways. Then I fell asleep and dreamed about Carl. We were in Kew Gardens. I was lost again and I was running, running, running, trampling my way through jungle plants, Chihuly glass smashing all around me, and there, j u s t ahead of me, I saw Carl. He was r u n n i n g too, away from me. I couldn't catch up with him, t r y as I might. He dodged up the spiral staircase in the glasshouse a n d I pounded after him, hauling myself up two steps at a time. Then I was at the very top, r u n n i
n g along the narrow balcony, gaining on him now. He looked over his shoulder, slipped, lurched backwards, up and over t h e low rail. I watched, screaming, as he spiralled down a n d down a n d down through t h e great green leaves.

  Ching-ching.

  I woke with a start, my throat aching as if I'd really been screaming. I grabbed my mobile, b u t it was Miranda sending me a text to say she was sending me Paul's text. For t h e next fifteen 229

  minutes I was forced to read their silly texting banter. I wanted to switch off my phone, but I still hoped Carl might text me . . .

  Ching-Ching.

  Not another s t u p i d M i r a n d a - a n d - P a u l message! I touched the display button, all set to erase it.

  SORRY SORRY SORRY, S. C U I N G H ? C X

  Yes!

  I rubbed at my face, r a n down the stairs and through the kitchen, giving Miss Miles a quick nod as she made herself a cup of tea. Then I was out t h e back door, down our garden, through the gap in the fence, until I stood breathless outside the Glass Hut. The light wasn't on inside.

  Perhaps I'd got there before Carl? I tapped timidly on the door.

  'Come in,' Carl whispered from inside. 'You are on your own, aren't you?'

  'Of course I am,' I said, slipping inside.

  It was so dark I couldn't see a thing. I felt for the light switch.

  'Don't,' said Carl. 'Let's stay in the dark.' He reached out and found my hand. 'Come and sit with me.'

  I s a t on the sofa, close beside him.

  'Oh, Sylvie,' he said, sounding hoarse. 'I'm sorry'

  'I'm sorry,' I said. 'I was m a d to bring Miranda with me. I couldn't stop h e r banging and banging like that. It was so awful.'

  'It was awful my side of the door,' said Carl. 'I 230

  thought she'd s t a r t hacking her way through with an axe any minute. I know it was silly and childish hiding away from everyone b u t I couldn't face her. Did she tell you w h a t happened at Kew?'

  'No. Well, j u s t t h a t she went off with Paul.'

  'So maybe he didn't tell her.'

  I swallowed. 'Tell h e r what?'

  I heard Carl swallow too. We sat h a n d in h a n d in the d a r k for several long seconds.

  'I've been such an idiot,' he said. It sounded as if he might be crying.

  'Oh, Carl, it's OK. Please don't,' I said. I wanted to p u t my arms round him but he was clutching my h a n d as if he could never let it go.

  'It's not OK. I've ruined everything. He h a t e s me now. And I love him.'

  I felt t h e blood beating in my head. He'd said it out loud. We couldn't pretend any more. This was it. The end of all my dreams.

  'I know you love him,' I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

  'You're shocked, aren't you?'

  'No, no, don't be silly,' I mumbled.

  'I was shocked. I mean, I kind of knew I liked boys, not girls – a p a r t from you, I mean – but I didn't want to be different. But I couldn't help it. I j u s t saw him t h a t first day and it was like he was t h e only boy in the whole school. I couldn't stop watching him. It was OK because everyone watched him. He was t h e big-time football hero and everyone was desperate to be 231

  in his little gang. It w a s fine then, when we never even spoke to each other. But then we were paired up by this teacher in drama. I couldn't believe it. I was thrilled and yet so scared too. I was sure I'd make a complete berk of myself. Well, I did, I didn't have a clue what to s a y — '

  'Oh, Carl, stop it, you're the most articulate person I've ever met.'

  'I can say all sorts of stuff to you, Sylvie, but at first with Paul I could hardly say two words.

  Then we h a d to do this daft t r u s t exercise when you take t u r n s falling and the other guy h a s to catch you. You've no idea w h a t it felt like, holding him in my arms. I can't explain, just touching him, it was electric. You wait till you feel t h a t way about someone, t h e n you'll understand.'

  I was glad it was dark.

  'Sylvie?' He didn't u n d e r s t a n d . 'You are shocked, aren't you?'

  'No, no, it's j u s t . . . a bit of a surprise.'

  'It's a surprise for me too,' said Carl. 'I never ever thought I'd feel like this. I thought I'd j u s t coast along somehow. I've always been careful not to act too girly or whatever. I h a t e being teased. I felt so safe, you and me and our own private world. I didn't have a clue what it's like to fall in love. It's frightening because it's so intense, it kind of takes you over. It's j u s t like every stupid cliche, every silly song. You can't eat, you can't concentrate, you can't sleep. You 232

  j u s t t h i n k about the other person all t h e time, even though you know it's crazy. You j u s t can't help it. It's especially crazy to fall for Paul because he's the straightest boy ever. He's one of the worst for making stupid jokes. I knew I didn't s t a n d a chance of him ever feeling the same way about me, and yet I still sort of hoped t h a t somehow it would happen. How mad is that?'

  'It's mad,' I said.

  'So I thought I'd j u s t carry on, us being friends, Paul and me. I thought I could make it work. B u t it was so difficult never being able to say w h a t I really felt. It made me feel so hopeless sometimes. I mean, even if Paul were gay too you could never ever come out at our school.

  You can call any of the guys any four-letter word you choose and they don't blink, but call one of them gay and he'll punch your head in, even if he Is. I used to get called gay a lot because I'm arty and swotty and not too good at football, but they didn't really mean it. Paul called me hopelessly gay whenever 1 muffed a football move, but it was OK if I just laughed and clowned around with limp wrists, going whoopsie all the time to try to be part of the joke.'

  'Carl, how can you love someone who t r e a t s you like t h a t ? '

  'But I keep telling you, he didn't mean it. He didn't d r e a m I was really gay. He always went on and on about girls and w h a t he'd like to do to them so I did too.'

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  'About me?'

  'No!' he said. 'I'd never talk about you like t h a t , Sylvie, you know I wouldn't.' He said it fiercely, to be reassuring.

  'So who did you talk about?'

  'Oh. J u s t anyone. It was all so stupid and tacky. Whoever came into my head.'

  'Miranda.'

  'Well, she was an obvious candidate.'

  'Did you tell Paul about kissing her at the party?'

  'Yes, I did vaguely mention it.'

  'So w h a t did you tell him it was like?'

  'Oh, Sylvie, I can't remember. It didn't mean anything to me. It felt a bit weird and threaten-ing, if you really want to know. She opened her mouth so wide I thought she was going to swallow me whole. Plus she was wearing all this slippery lipstick. I was scared she was going to get it all over me. It tasted disgusting.'

  I felt a pang for Miranda, but I couldn't help being pleased.

  'So you tried to set Paul up with her instead?'

  'I know it was mad a n d stupid but I hoped t h a t t h e four of us could be friends and all go round together. It seemed a great idea at the time. I mean, I love Paul, I love you, you like M i r a n d a , she likes any boy who pays h e r attention. I thought it might work.'

  T h e Glass H u t w h i r l e d r o u n d me as I replayed w h a t he'd said inside my head.

  'You love me?' I whispered.

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  'Yes! Of course I love you, Sylvie. You know how much you mean to me. You're the one and only girl for me, ever. You know that.'

  'But you're not in love with me?'

  'Not t h e way I'm in love with Paul.'

  'Still?'

  'Yes. And you don't even know how he acted.

  You see, I tried to kiss him a n d — '

  'You did what?

  'I know, I know. It was totally crazy. I didn't mean to. It was j u s t a spur-of-the-moment thing. It was so lovely in Kew Gardens in t h e moonlight. I felt as if we'd stepped into another world a n d anything could happen.'

&nbs
p; 'I felt t h a t too.'

  'It was like our own Midsummer Night's Dream. Then Miranda suggested playing Hide and Seek, and we all scattered and I didn't plan anything, I j u s t set off and I spotted Paul almost straight away. It was as if he was waiting there in the bushes for me. He laughed when I walked up, and pulled me in to the bushes with him so we were all squashed up, hiding together. My head was right next to his and we were still laughing and fooling about, and without even thinking I kissed him. I couldn't believe it was happening. It felt so incredible – but then he pushed me away. He punched me. Then he said all these awful things.'

  'Oh, poor poor Carl,' I said, b u t I couldn't help adding, 'Still, w h a t did you expect?'

  'I know, I know. I was j u s t totally mad. I kept 235

  telling him I was sorry and I'd never do it again but he kept on saying stuff, acting like I was this weird sick pervert.'

  'You're not, you know you're not.'

  'But he thinks I am. He acted like it's some contagious disease and I was trying to infect him too. He was so angry with me. I fell over and he actually started kicking me, even though we'd been best mates j u s t two minutes ago.

  Then he stormed off, saying he never ever wanted to see me again.'

  'Well, that's a bit silly, seeing as you're in the same form at school.'

  'That's w h a t I'm so worried about. It's not j u s t the awfulness of making Paul h a t e m e — '

  'That's mad. I think you should h a t e him for being so horrible to you,' I interrupted.

  'No, listen, w h a t if he tells everyone at school t h a t I kissed him?'

  'He won't,' I said firmly. 'Look, I know he didn't tell Miranda. He j u s t said you'd h a d a fight. She thought it was over her.'

  'That's so typical of Miranda. I don't know w h a t you see in her, Sylvie.'

  'Well. I don't get w h a t you see in Paul.

  Especially now,' I said. You still want to be friends with him, don't you?'

  'Yes, but he won't w a n t anything to do with me. Yet the weirdest thing of a l l . . . for a second he kissed me back like he really cared about me too.'

  I didn't w a n t to talk about Carl to M i r a n d a .

  Luckily she was too caught up with h e r own affairs. She was still texting Paul all t h e time.