by Aiden Bates
He recognized guilt and shame there, and they deserved it. Even Jamie, who’d been a kid at the time, had earned his share of guilt. He’d bought into the bullshit, without questioning it even for a second.
Anthony squeezed Ryan’s hand, and Ryan took a deep breath. Anthony was still here. He knew everything. He hadn’t run.
And there was no shame there, no shame in him, anyway. That was Ryan’s baby in his belly, and he didn’t flinch away when Ryan touched his stomach this time. Their eyes met, and Anthony kissed his cheek. He didn’t have to say anything.
Marianna stepped forward. Her eyes shone in the fluorescent lights, and she reached a trembling hand out toward him. Part of Ryan wanted to take it, to finally get the love from his mother he’d craved for so long. It hung there, alone and pale in the artificial light.
But the room was too small. There were too many people, and he couldn’t stay. A crowd like this, pressing in on him, never ended well in his experience. He had to get away. He turned around and ran.
15
Anthony stayed in the room with the Roscoes for a little while. Like everyone else who’d just listened to Ryan’s horrific tale, Anthony needed to process what he’d just heard. Not only that, but Ryan needed his space.
It didn’t take a degree in psychology to figure that much out. For someone as stoic and strong as Ryan to open up and share so much of what had been going on inside of him, well, that had to be murder. Anthony would have liked to be with his lover, but he respected Ryan’s need for some space, too.
So instead of chasing Ryan, he stayed with Ryan’s family — the people who, knowingly or not, had started Ryan on his path. Anthony had been in Culvertown for ten years now, and he’d learned quickly to look up to the Roscoe family. Seeing them now, and seeing them through Ryan’s eyes, had made the world shift on its axis, just a little bit. Anthony was going to need a minute to figure out this new world order. He suspected they would, too.
The Roscoes sat in shocked silence for a long few minutes. It wasn’t entirely unexpected. What exactly were they going to say? If Anthony’s world had just shifted on its axis, theirs had all just been shaken to the core.
They’d gone for ten years believing that Ryan was the devil himself, never to be mentioned lest they inadvertently summon him or something. Anthony, who was as close to the family as a man could get without actually marrying in, had never even seen a picture of the guy. From the way Ryan described things, things had been awful for a lot longer than ten years, even before Tommy showed up.
Now they couldn’t pretend they didn’t know..
And now the Roscoes had to find out they’d been so, incredibly wrong. They’d presumably been trying to show Ryan tough love. Anthony knew they were essentially good people, but “tough love” wasn’t usually a great solution to anything.
Even Tommy’s drug and alcohol abuse wouldn’t have responded to it. They were rooted in deeper psychological issues that needed to be addressed. Tough love sounded great on paper, until actual human beings got involved.
Not only did the Roscoes have to acknowledge how badly they’d failed Ryan in his youth, they had to deal with how they’d treated him after the accident. Between Marianna and Lincoln, they could have kept Ryan out of prison.
They’d have done it for Tommy, for crying out loud. They’d have made sure he went to rehab or to a mental health facility, but none of those had ever been suggested for Ryan. The guilt had to be burning them alive.
When the crushing silence was finally broken, it was Lincoln who broke it. “There’s no way we could have known, could we?”
Marianna had been staring at the spot on the floor where Ryan had stood. Now she jolted, like she’d received an electrical shock, and lifted her head. “No. No, of course not. How were we supposed to figure any of this out on our own?”
She wiped at her eyes. “We couldn’t have known. He should have told us. He should have said something. He should have trusted us with this. I would have stopped it. I would have kept him out of prison, at least.” She sniffed and hid her face.
Anthony held back a snort. The Marianna he’d heard about since Ryan’s return hadn’t been the kind of person who would rescue her son from prison. The Marianna Ryan had described would have left him there to rot — had left him there to rot.
And no one had tried to deny any of what Ryan had said about her, not even when he’d said he thought she’d arranged for him to be attacked in prison.
Even Marianna hadn’t denied it.
Anthony was going to have to pretend he thought she was just too shocked and horrified to defend herself. He couldn’t process the idea that she would treat someone that way, never mind her own flesh and blood. It was too much.
Jamie glanced at Liam, his face ashen. Liam’s was no better. “All these years,” Jamie whispered. “All these years, and we thought the worst.
“He was the big brother who taught me how to ride a bike. He was the big brother who helped me with my math homework. He was the one who helped me cope with the way things were, you know?
“How could I just think the worst, assume he was guilty? How could I just leave him alone in there, never go to see him?”
Liam huffed out a little laugh. There was no humor to it. “Maybe because he said he was guilty?
“I don’t know. I mean, yeah. I feel like shit about this. You were a kid. I’m only two years younger. I should’ve seen the signs.” He hung his head. “But he did say he did it, you know?”
Lincoln frowned at him. “Because he was covering up for Tommy. Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me there’s nothing about Tommy’s behavior that makes Ryan’s story a whole lot more believable?”
He looked down and wrapped an arm around Marianna’s shoulders. “It’s tempting to try to absolve ourselves of anything, but when I think back, I think of all the times I could have done something. I could have been home more, instead of delegating to nannies, or hoping Ryan and Marianna would just work something out.
“I should have sat down with Ryan and made him talk to me when Marianna told me she found drugs in his room. I mean, he wasn’t showing any signs of drug use; it didn’t make sense. I shouldn’t have believed it, but I did. I didn’t even go to visit him in prison.”
Jamie wiped tears away from his face. “I can’t believe I didn’t know. I should have made him talk to me. I was his favorite.”
“Tommy was his favorite.” Liam stroked Tommy’s lank and sweaty hair. Tommy didn’t move on his hospital bed. The monitors displaying his heart and lung functions didn’t change. “He went to jail for Tommy. He would have died for Tommy. He almost did.”
Anthony could offer some comfort here, at least. He put a hand on Jamie’s shoulder. “He’d have done it for any of you. You were just a kid. You couldn’t have done anything about it anyway, even if you had known.”
Jamie might have been able to offer Ryan a source of comfort, but then again, Ryan was a strong, independent guy. The chances he’d have accepted anything from Jamie, especially when Jamie was just a kid, were minimal. He wouldn’t have wanted to burden him.
“All these years we’ve been so careful with Tommy.” Liam’s face twisted into mockery. “Poor Tommy, suffering because of what he saw. What Ryan made him see.
“And now, it’s just like … look at all the stuff we missed. We should’ve seen this.” He glanced over at Jamie and Anthony. “Jamie, you were just a kid, and Anthony, you weren’t even here.
“I was older. I should have seen something, said something. I fell for it all, too.”
Marianna shook her head. “Ryan was always —”
Lincoln stepped in and held up a hand. “You and Ryan always butted heads. I love you, and I love him. He wasn’t a bad child because he didn’t want what you wanted for him. Don’t you start in on that nonsense now. He’s had enough of it in his life already.”
Marianna opened her mouth to object, and then she slumped her shoulders. “Okay. I was predisposed to believe t
he worst of him.”
She burst into tears and buried her face on Lincoln’s chest. “I thought Tommy — I thought Ryan made Tommy suffer in silence about what happened! I did!
“Except that’s not what happened. Ryan’s the one who’s been suffering, for decades apparently. He paid the worst possible price for something he didn’t even do, and I didn’t even think to question it. Hell, I made it worse.”
Liam turned away from her. Anthony’s heart broke for Ryan. Anthony’s life had had its challenges, but he’d never doubted his mother’s love.
Jamie sighed. “Mom, did you really set Ryan up to get hurt in prison?”
Mariana looked away. “I put a word in to make sure people didn’t go easy on him. I wanted him to understand that we weren’t going to protect him anymore. I was just so fed up, so… so done.
“As far as I knew, Ryan had been doing all sorts of things without ever paying a single consequence in his life. I had no idea they’d do that to him, and I had no idea how little I’d been protecting him already.”
She picked her head up. “What he needed was protection from me. I don’t know how I’m going to live with myself.”
Anthony had to speak up here. Lord knew they had plenty to feel guilty about, but there would only be a point to it if they turned that guilt into action. If all they did was sit there and wallow in their hurt feelings, nothing would change, and Ryan would still be hurting. That was the exact opposite of what Anthony wanted.
“If Ryan had to go on living, through all of that, then you can go on living now.” He kept his voice gentle, and put a hand on her arm. He didn’t want to be some kind of judgmental jerk. He needed to guide her to a better way of thinking.
“He only did that because he thought it would cause me pain to know he was still alive,” she wailed.
Anthony fought back a frustrated growl. Marianna was making this all about her, when it should be about Ryan and Tommy. “So turn that around. What is it that you want here? Do you want to repair your relationship with Ryan?
“It’s not going to be easy, but as long as you’re both still alive, you have a chance. He’s a good man. Everything you’ve seen and heard here has shown you that he’s a good man, in spite of everything.
“You can turn things around. You can build a good relationship with him, if you want to, but you have to make that choice.”
Marianna fell into a chair, sobbing. Anthony felt bad, because she’d always been good to him, but he couldn’t take the time to worry about her now. Ryan was the one who was most important to him, and he needed to take care of him now.
He let her have her cry for a little while, and then he turned to Jamie. “I can’t stay,” he said. “I’ve got to go after him.”
Jamie nodded, his eyes hooded. How could they not be? His entire world had been torn apart today. His very identity as a Roscoe, as a brother, lay in tatters at his feet. “I’d ask you to tell him we’re sorry,” he said, pushing his hair back, “but it seems so weak now.”
Anthony smiled. Jamie really was a great guy. He’d done his best to take care of Tommy, in his way. He just hadn’t known what he was dealing with. He’d taken care of Anthony, too, and he’d been the only family member to show any concern at all for Ryan.
“It wouldn’t mean anything coming from me anyway,” he said, putting a hand on Jamie’s arm. “It would have to come from you. And I know it will.”
He locked eyes with each of the conscious Roscoes. “I’ve known you all for ten years. You’re all good people. You’re not the kind of people to just let things lie. Family means a lot to you. Sure, you’ve made some mistakes, but you want to put things right.
“I’m going to go to him now,” he continued, stepping back a little. “He doesn’t do so well with the big emotional talks or things like that. I’ll ask you to give him his space for a little bit. Let him work up to it, and then let him come to you when he’s ready to talk again, okay?”
Lincoln gave Anthony a sad smile. “Take good care of my son, would you?”
“Always.” Anthony smiled and shook the senior Roscoe’s hand. It felt like a blessing, and he chose to take it as such. Then he left the room, and the hospital.
Half an hour later, he knocked on the door to Ryan’s apartment. He hadn’t been here in weeks, and he wasn’t sure what to expect. He and Ryan hadn’t had a chance to talk.
Maybe Ryan didn’t want visitors. Ryan was still married. Ryan hadn’t sought a husband when he went to Vegas, and it sounded like he still wasn’t all that into Peter, but that didn’t mean he was ready to jump into another long term relationship.
His breathing quickened, and he forced himself to calm down. He wasn’t here to get into a panic. He wasn’t here to work himself up into a sweat about stupid things. He was here to take care of the man he’d connected with the first time they met — the father of his child, the man he loved.
Ryan opened the door. He’d washed up, gotten rid of all of the blood. He’d foregone a shirt, but the wariness in his eyes drove away most of the sexiness of the look. He looked more like a caged animal than a lover.
Anthony hesitated. Was he what Ryan wanted to see right now? Had he expected to see one of his family members? Anthony would run back to the hospital, would grab any Roscoe Ryan wanted, if he just said the word.
Ryan deserved anything he wanted, everything he wanted. Anthony couldn’t give him a palace, but he’d give him anything in his power.
He looked closer. Ryan was nervous, but not resistant. He wasn’t closing the door in Anthony’s face.
The fear melted out of Anthony then. He stepped into the apartment and wrapped his arms around Ryan and held him tight. “It’s okay,” he murmured into Ryan’s ear. “It’s going to be okay now. I’m not going anywhere.”
16
Anthony brushed his lips across Ryan’s and headed into the kitchen. Ryan had to smile at that, in spite of everything that had happened today. Anthony hadn’t even been here in weeks, hadn’t been here often at all, and still just made himself at home. He busied himself fixing two mugs of tea, tea he just assumed Ryan had, and brought it back to the couch.
“I never did thank you for stepping in. Didn’t get the chance.” Anthony’s knee was resting against Ryan’s. It was a little thing, just the most casual touch, but it meant the world to Ryan. It showed his trust, and his love, and his comfort. It showed Anthony wasn’t afraid, even after Ryan’s display earlier. Ryan couldn’t believe it, but he couldn’t deny it, either.
“I thought you were worried about my temper.” Ryan looked down. “And I mean, I did lose control. I can’t pretend I didn’t, you know? I saw that guy’s hands on you, and I lost my mind.”
Anthony’s cheeks got pink for a second. “I was a little nervous. I don’t want to go casting blame or anything. I mean, there was the man I saw when I was with you, and there’s everything I was hearing. And I couldn’t get any clear, honest information anywhere —”
Ryan bowed his head. “I’m sorry. That’s on me. I should have been honest with you from the beginning.”
Guilt, like a physical thing, squeezed its way up his throat. He hadn’t even tried to tell Anthony the truth. He’d just pushed him away, all in the name of protecting him, and look what that got him.
Anthony laughed softly. He did that a lot, finding humor in tough situations. He looked a little tired, but who wouldn’t? After everything that had gone down today, poor Anthony had been through almost as much of a wringer as anyone.
He kept a smiling face through it all, though, even now. He put a hand on Ryan’s bare arm. “Hey, it makes perfect sense. I don’t see why you wouldn’t spill your whole life’s story to a perfect stranger in a crowded bar.”
With another soft laugh, he rested his head on Ryan’s shoulder. “I wasn’t anyone to you. Why would you tell me your secrets?”
Ryan carved his fingers through Anthony’s hair. “You’re someone to me now,” he said, and kissed his forehead.
/> He couldn’t speak as loudly as he might have wanted to. The idea of these kinds of big, emotional declarations just felt hugely wrong, anathema. He couldn’t shake the idea that someone was hiding in the shadows, waiting to use it against him somehow.
“You’re kind of it for me now. There won’t … there’s never going to be anyone else.”
Anthony snuggled in closer. Ryan could feel his heart thumping against his ribcage, but his voice had a teasing tone to it. “I can think of a husband who might have a few objections to make.”
Ryan coughed. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what happened. He’s a drunken mistake; I literally have no idea what I was thinking. He’s not even my type. I haven’t touched him since I got out, except to physically throw him out of this apartment, and I wouldn’t even let him come to the prison to visit.”
Anthony laughed and stopped his apologies with a kiss. Ryan just grabbed on tight and breathed in, wallowing in everything Anthony had to offer. No matter what horrors Ryan had been forced to relive today, Anthony was real. Anthony was here. Everything was better when Anthony was here.
“It’s okay,” he told Ryan. “I understand, now. And I sure as hell can’t hold it against you, under the circumstances. But that dude absolutely needs to sign the divorce papers.”
Ryan winced and reached for his phone. “Yeah, we might have a little bit of a problem there.” He reached for his phone, pulled up his email, and passed it over to Anthony.
Anthony scanned the message and the attachment. Then he put it down. “I’ll admit I’m feeling a little glowy about the whole ‘we’ thing,” he said, with a gentle smile. “Because it is our problem, which we’ll deal with together.
“But you know what? I’m not going anywhere. Now that I know what’s going on, I know what he is to you. And I know what I am to you.”
He kissed Ryan again, deeper this time. “I have to admit I’m a little suspicious, though. You say you don’t remember anything from the time you sat down for a drink until you woke up, days later, married?”
