Myth Directions

by Robert Asprin

"Help yourself," I announced.

  "Thanks, kid," Aahz grinned, setting the Trophy down and hastily unwrapping it.

  The Trophy was as ugly as ever; not that I had expected it to change. If anything, it looked worse up close, as Aahz was looking at it. Then he backed up and looked again. Finally he walked around it, studying the monstrosity from all angles.

  For some reason, his silent scrutiny was making me uneasy.

  "Well, what do you think?" I asked, in an effort to get the conversation going again.

  He turned slowly to face me, and I noticed his scales were noticeably darker than normal.

  "That's it?" he demanded, jerking a thumb over his shoulder at the statue. "That's the Trophy? You got Tanda captured and put us through all this for a dismal hunk of sculpture like that?"

  Something clicked softly in my mind, igniting a small ember of anger. I mean, I've never pretended to admire the Trophy, but it had been Tananda's choice.

  "Yes, Aahz," I said carefully. "That's it."

  "Of all the dumb stunts you've pulled, this takes the cake!" my mentor raged. "You neglect your studies, cost us a fortune, not to mention putting everybody's neck on the chopping block, and for what?"

  "Yes, Aahz," I managed.

  "And Tanda! I knew she was a bit dippy, but this! I've got a good mind to leave her right where she is."

  I tried to say something, but nothing came out.

  "All I want to hear from you, apprentice, is why!"

  He was looming over me now.

  "Even feeble minds need a motive. What did you two figure to do with this pile of junk once you stole it? Tell me that!"

  "It was going to be your birthday present!" I shouted, the dam bursting at last.

  Aahz froze stock-still, an expression of astonishment spreading slowly over his face.

  "My...my birthday present?" he asked in a small voice.

  "That's right, Aahz," I growled. "Surprise. We wanted to get you something special. Something no one else had, no matter how much trouble it was. Sure was stupid of us, wasn't it?"

  "My birthday present," Aahz murmured, turning to stare at the Trophy again.

  "Well, it's all over now," I snarled savagely. "Us feeble-minded dolts bit off more than we could chew and you had to bail us out. Let's spring Tanda and go home. Maybe then we can forget the whole thing--if you'll let us."

  Aahz was standing motionless with his back to me. Now that I had vented my anger, I found myself suddenly regretful for having ground it in so mercilessly.

  "Aahz?" I asked, stepping in behind him. "Hey! C'mon, we've got to give it back and get Tanda."

  Slowly he turned his head until our gazes met. There was a faraway light in his eyes I had never seen before.

  "Give it back?" he said softly. "Whatdaya mean, 'Give it back'? That's my birthday present!"

  Chapter Sixteen

  "...and then the fun began."

  -N. Bonaparte

  I HAD attended war councils before. I hadn't been wild about it as a pastime even then, but I had done it. On those occasions, however, our side was the only one with the vaguest skills in magik. This time, all three sides would have magicians in attendance. My joy knew definite bounds; in fact, I didn't want to be there at all.

  "Maybe they won't come," I suggested hopefully.

  "With their precious Trophy on the line?" Aahz grinned. "Not a chance. They'll be here."

  "If they got the messages," I corrected. "Griffin may have just headed for the horizon."

  My mentor cocked an eyebrow at me. "Think back to the days before you were an apprentice, kid," he suggested. "If a magician gave you a message to deliver, would you try to get away?"

  "Well..." I conceded.

  "They'll be here," he concluded firmly. "I just hope Quigley gets here first."

  My last hope gone, I resigned myself to the meeting and turned my attention to our immediate surroundings.

  "Can you at least tell me why we're meeting here?" I asked. "Why not in the forest where we'd have some trees to duck behind if things get ugly? What's so special about this statatorium?"

  "That's stadium, kid," my mentor corrected, rolling his eyes. "And there're three good reasons to set up the meeting here. First of all, both the Veygans and the Ta-hoers know where it is. Second, they both acknowledge it as neutral ground."

  "And third?" I prompted.

  "You said it yourself," Aahz shrugged. "There's no cover. Nothing at all to hide behind."

  "That's good?"

  "Think it through, kid," my mentor sighed. "If we can hide behind a tree, so could someone else. The difference is, they have more people to hide."

  "You mean they might try to ambush us?" I blinked.

  "It's a possibility. I only hope that having the meeting in the open like this will lower the probability."

  One thing I have to admit about Aahz. Any time I'm nervous, I can count on him to say just the right thing to convert my nervousness to near-hysteric panic.

  "Urn...Aahz," I began carefully. "Isn't it about time you let me in on this master plan of yours?"

  "Sure," my mentor grinned. "We're going to have a meeting with representatives from both Veygus and Ta-hoe."

  "But what are you going to say to them?" I pressed.

  "You're missing the point, kid. The reason I'm meeting with both of them at once is because I don't want to have to repeat myself. Now, if I explain everything to you now, I'll only have to repeat myself at the meeting. Understand?"

  "No," I announced bluntly. "I don't. I'm supposed to be your apprentice, aren't I? Well, how am I going to help out if I don't know what's going on?"

  "That's a good point," Aahz conceded. "I wish you had raised it earlier. Because now it's too late. Our guests are arriving."

  I turned to look in the direction he was pointing and discovered he was right. A small group had emerged from one of the entrances halfway up the side of the stadium and was filing down the stairs toward the field where we were waiting. Watching them descend, I was struck again by the enormity of the stadium. I had realized it was large when we first arrived and I saw the rows and rows of seats circling the field. Now, however, seeing how tiny the group looked in this setting made me all the more aware of exactly how large the stadium really was. As we waited, I tried to imagine the seats filled with thousands upon thousands of people all staring down at the field and the very thought of it made me uneasy. Fortunately, the odds of my ever actually seeing it were very, very low.

  The group was close enough now for us to distinguish between individuals. This didn't do us much good, though, as we didn't know any of the individuals involved. I finally recognized Griffin in their ranks, and from that figured out it was the Ta-hoe delegation approaching. Once I realized that, I managed to spot Quigley bringing up the rear. I would have recognized him sooner, but he was disguised as a Jahk, which threw me for a moment; Actually, it made sense. I mean, Aahz and I were currently disguised as Jahks, so it was only logical that Quigley would also be hiding his extra-dimensional origins as well. Sometimes it bothers me that I seem to habitually overlook the obvious.

  "That's far enough!" Aahz boomed.

  The group halted obediently a stone's throw away. It occurred to me it might be better if they were a little more than a stone's throw away, but I kept quiet.

  "We're ready to discuss the return of the Trophy," one of the delegates called, stepping forward.

  "We're not," my mentor retorted.

  This caused a minor stir in the group and they began to mumble darkly among themselves.

  "Aahz!" I urged.

  "What I mean to say," Aahz added hastily, "is that what we have to say will wait until the other delegation arrives. In the meantime, I wish a word with your master magician."

  There was a brief huddle, then Quigley came forward to join us. Even at a distance I could see he was upset.

  "Hi. Quigley," Aahz grinned. "How's tricks?"

  "I certainly hope you have an explanation for this,"
the ex-demon hunter snapped, ignoring the cordial greeting.

  "Explanation for what?" my mentor countered innocently.

  "You promised...or rather, Master Skeeve did...that you two wouldn't do anything to endanger my job."

  "And we haven't," Aahz finished.

  "Yes, you have!" Quigley insisted. "The council expects me to use my magik to get the Trophy away from you at this meeting. If I don't, I can kiss my job goodbye."

  "Don't worry," my mentor soothed. "We've taken that into account."

  "We have?" I murmured in wonder.

  Aahz shot me a black look and continued.

  "I guarantee that by the end of the meeting the council won't expect you to perform any magik against us."

  "You mean you'll give the Trophy back voluntarily?" Quigley asked, brightening noticeably. "I must say that's decent of you."

  "No, it isn't," Aahz corrected, "and we're not going to give it back. All I said was they wouldn't expect you to get it for them with magik."

  "But--"

  "The reason I wanted to talk with you," Aahz interrupted, "was to clarify a little something from our previous conversation."

  "What's that?" Quigley frowned.

  "Well, you promised to release Tanda if the Trophy was returned. Now, if Ta-hoe has a chance to take the Trophy back, and then doesn't do it, is the deal still on? Will you let her go?"

  "I...I suppose so," the ex-demon hunter acquiesced, gnawing his lip. "But I can't imagine them not wanting it."

  "Wanting something and being able to take it are two different things," Aahz grinned.

  "But I'm supposed to be helping them with my magik!"

  "Not this time, you aren't," my mentor corrected. "I've already told you that--"

  "Is this a private chat, boys? Or can anybody join in?"

  We all turned to find Massha lumbering towards us. The rest of the Veygus delegation waited behind her, having apparently arrived while we were talking to Quigley.

  "Good God! What's that?" Quigley gasped, gaping at Massha's approaching bulk.

  "That's Massha," I volunteered casually. "You know, the Veygans' magician!"

  "That's Massha?" he echoed, swallowing hard.

  "If you'll excuse us for a moment," Aahz suggested, "there are a few things we have to discuss with her before the meeting."

  "Of course, certainly."

  The ex-demon hunter beat a hasty retreat, apparently relieved at being able to avoid a face-to-face meeting with his rival.

  "The council there tells me that was Quigley you were just talking to," Massha announced, tracking his flight with her eyes. "Is that true?"

  "Umm...yes," I admitted.

  "You boys wouldn't be trying to double-cross old Massha, would you?" Her tone was jovial, but her eyes narrowed suspiciously.

  "My dear lady!" Aahz gasped. "You wound me! Didn't we promise to neutralize Quigley's demon for you?"

  "You sure did."

  "And it would be extremely difficult to engineer that without at least being on speaking terms with Quigley. Wouldn't it?"

  "Well...yes."

  "So no sooner do we start working on the project than you accuse us of double-crossing you! We should leave right now and let you solve your own problems."

  I had to suppress a smile. Aahz looking indignant is a comical sight at best. Massha, however, swallowed it hook, line and sinker.

  "Now, don't be that way," she pleaded. "I didn't mean to get ya all out of joint. Besides, do you blame me for being a little suspicious after you up and made off with the Trophy?"

  Aahz sighed dramatically. "Didn't we say not to be surprised at anything we did? Geez! I guess it's what we should expect, trying to deal with someone who can't comprehend the subtlety of our plans."

  "You mean stealing the Trophy is part of your plan to neutralize the demon?" Massha asked, wideeyed with awe.

  "Of course!" Aahz waved. "Or it was. You see, Quigley got the demon to help get the Trophy away from Veygus. Now, if Veygus doesn't have the Trophy, he doesn't need the demon, right?"

  "Sounds a little shaky to me," the sorceress frowned.

  "You're right," Aahz acknowledged. "That's why I was so glad when the k...I mean, when Master Skeeve here came up with this new plan."

  "I did?"

  Aahz's arm closed around my shoulders in an iron grip which eliminated any thoughts of protest from my mind.

  "He's so modest," my mentor explained. "You've heard what a genius tactician he is? Well, he's come up with a way to neutralize the demon...and give Veygus a good chance at retrieving the Trophy."

  "I'm dying to hear it," Massha proclaimed eagerly.

  "Me, too," I mumbled. Aahz's grip tightened threateningly.

  "Then I guess we're ready to get started," he declared. "You'd better rejoin your delegation. Wouldn't want it to look like we're playing favorites. And remember...agree with us no matter what we say. We're on your side."

  "Right!" she winked, and headed off.

  "Say, um, Aahz," I managed at last.

  "Yeah, kid?"

  "If you're on Quigley's side and on Massha's side, who's on my side?"

  "I am, of course."

  I had been afraid he was going to say something like that. It was becoming increasingly clear that Aahz was going to come out of this in pretty good shape no matter how it ran. I didn't have much time to ponder the point, though.

  Aahz was beckoning the groups forward to start the meeting.

  Chapter Seventeen

  "I'm sure we can talk things out like civilized people."

  -J. WAYNE

  "I SUPPOSE you're all wondering why I called you here," my mentor began with a grin.

  I think he intended it as a joke. I've gotten so I recognize his "waiting for a laugh" grin. Unfortunately, he was trying it on the wrong crowd. Jahks aren't generally noted for their sense of humor.

  "I assume it's to talk about the Trophy," a distinguished individual from the Ta-hoe group observed dryly. "Otherwise we're wasting our time."

  "Oh, it's about the Trophy," Aahz assured him hastily.

  "Which you stole from us!" a Veygan contributed venomously.

  "After you stole it from us!" the Ta-hoer speaker shot back.

  "Only after you cheated us out of it at the Big Game."

  "That call was totally legal! The rules clearly state...."

  "That rule hasn't been enforced for three hundred years. There are four rulings on record which have since contradicted...."

  "Gentlemen, please!" Aahz called, holding up his hands for order. "All that is water under the drawbridge, as well as being totally beside the point. Remember, neither of you currently have the Trophy. We do."

  There was a moment of tense silence as both sides absorbed this observation. Finally, the Ta-hoer speaker stepped forward.

  "Very well," he said firmly. "Name your price for its return. The Ta-hoe Council is prepared to offer..."

  "Veygus will top any offer Ta-hoe makes."

  "And Ta-hoe will double any offer that Veygus makes," the speaker shot back.

  This was starting to sound pretty good to me. Maybe I've been hanging around with Aahz too long, but the potential financial benefits of our situation impressed me as being exceptionally good. The only foreseeable difficulty was Aahz's insistence that he was going to keep his birthday present.

  "If you try anything, our magician will..."

  "Your magician! We fired her. If she tries anything, our magician will..."

  The raging debate forced its way into my consciousness again. That last bit sounded like it could get very ugly very quickly. I snuck a nervous glance at Aahz, but as usual he was way ahead of me.

  "Gentlemen, gentlemen!" he admonished, raising his hands once more.

  "Who are you calling a gentleman?"

  "And ladies," my mentor amended, squinting at the source of the voice. "What-da-ya know. ERA strikes again."

  "What's an eerah?" the Ta-hoe spokesman frowned, echoing my thoughts exa
ctly.

  "It seems," Aahz continued, ignoring the question entirely, "that our motives have been misconstrued.

  We didn't appropriate the Trophy to ransom it. Quite the contrary. It has been our intention all along to see that it goes to its rightful owners." An ugly growl arose from the Veygans. "Excellent!" beamed the Ta-hoe spokesman. "If you won't accept a reward, will you at least accompany us back to town as our guests. There's sure to be celebrating and..."

  "I said 'the rightful owner.' " Aahz smiled, cutting him off.

  The spokesman paused, his smile melting to a dangerous scowl. "Are you saying we aren't the rightful owners?" he snarled. "If you thought Veygus had a better claim, why did you steal it in the first place?"

  "Let me run it past you one more time," my mentor sighed. "The Trophy's going to its rightful owner. That lets Veygus out, too."

  That took the spokesman aback. I didn't blame him. Aahz's logic had me a bit confused, too...and I was on his side!

  "If I understand it correctly," Aahz continued grandly, "the Trophy goes to the winning team--that wins the Big Game--as their award for being the year's best team. Is that right?"

  "Of course," the spokesman nodded.

  "Why do you assume the team that wins the Big Game is the best team?" Aahz asked innocently.

  "Because there are only two teams. So it follows logically that..."

  "That's where you're wrong," my mentor interrupted. "There is another team."

  "Another team?" the spokesman blinked.

  "That's right. A team that neither of your teams has faced, much less beaten. Now, we maintain that until that team is defeated, neither Ta-hoe nor Veygus has the right to declare their team the year's best!"

  My stomach did a flip-flop. I was getting a bad feeling about this.

  "That's ridiculous!" called the Veygus spokesman. "We've never heard of another team. Whose team is this, anyway?"

  "Ours," Aahz smiled. "And we're challenging both your teams to a game, a three-way match, right here in thirty days...Winner takes all."

  Bad feeling confirmed. For a moment, I considered altering my disguise and sneaking out with one of the delegations. Then I realized that option was closed. Both groups had stepped back well out of ear-shot to discuss Aahz's proposal. That put them far away, so that I couldn't join them without being noticed. With nothing else to do, I turned on Aahz.