Myth Directions

by Robert Asprin

  "A vegetarian troll?" I asked incredulously. "Weren't you about to eat me a minute ago?"

  "Perish the thought," Chumly shuddered. "Presently I would have allowed you to squirm free and run...except, of course, you wouldn't. Quite a spirited lad, isn't he?"

  "You don't know the half of it," the gargoyle answered through his perma-grin. "Why, when we took on Big Julie's army..."

  "Chumly!" Aahz exclaimed, bursting through the door.

  "Aahz," the troll answered. "I say, this is a spot of all right. What brings you..."

  He broke off suddenly, eyeing the Deveel who had followed Aahz into the inn.

  "Oh, don't mind the Geek here," my mentor waved. "He's helping us with some trouble we're having."

  "The Geek? "I frowned.

  "It's a nickname," the Deveel shrugged.

  "I knew it," Gus proclaimed, sinking into a chair. "Or I should have known it when I saw Skeeve. The only time you come to visit is when there's trouble."

  "If you blokes are going to have a war council, perhaps I'd better amble along," Chumly suggested.

  "Stick around," Aahz instructed. "It involves Tanda."

  "Tanda?" the troll frowned. "What has that bit of fluff gone and gotten herself into now?"

  "You know Tanda?" I asked.

  "Oh, quite," Chumly smiled. "She's my little sister."

  "Your sister?" I gaped.

  "Rather. Didn't you notice the family resemblance?"

  "Well...I, ah..." I fumbled.

  "Don't let him kid you," my mentor grinned. "Tanda and Chumly are from Trollia, where the men are Trolls and the women are Trollops. With men like this back home, you can understand why Tanda spends as much time as she does dimension hopping."

  "That's quite enough of that," Chumly instructed firmly. "I want to hear what's happened to little sister."

  "In a bit," Aahz waved. "First let's see what information the Geek here has for us."

  "I can't believe I let you pull me out of a hot crap game to meet with this zoo," the Deveel grumbled.

  "Zoo?" echoed Gus. He was still smiling, but then, he always smiled. Personally, I didn't like the tone of his voice.

  Apparently Aahz didn't either, as he hastened to move the conversation along.

  "You should thank me for getting you out," he observed, "before the rest of them figured out that you'd switched the dice."

  "You spotted that?" the Geek asked, visibly impressed. "Then maybe it's just as well I bailed out. When a Pervert can spot me..."

  "That's a Pervect!" Aahz corrected, showing all his teeth.

  "Oh! Yes...of course," the Deveel amended, pinking visibly.

  For his sake, I hoped he had some good information for us. In an amazingly short time he had managed to rub everyone wrong. Then again, Deveels have never been noted for their personable ways.

  "So what can you tell us about the game on Jahk?" I prompted.

  "How much are you paying me?" the Geek yawned.

  "As much as the information's worth," Aahz supplied grimly. "Probably more."

  The Deveel studied him for a moment, then shrugged.

  "Fair enough," he declared. "You've always made good on your debts, Aahz. I suppose I can trust you on this one."

  "So what can you tell us?" I insisted.

  Now it was my turn to undergo close scrutiny, but the gaze turned on me was noticeably colder than the one Aahz had suffered. With a lazy motion, the Geek reached down and pulled a dagger from his boot and tossed it aloft with a twirl. Catching it with his other hand, he sent it up again, forming a glittering arch from hand to hand, never taking his eyes from mine.

  "You're pretty mouthy for a punk Klahd," he observed. "Are you this mouthy when you don't have a pack of goons around to back your move?"

  "Usually," I admitted. "And they aren't goons, they're my friends."

  As I spoke, I reached out once more with my mind, caught the knife, gave it an extra twirl, then stopped it dead in the air, its point hovering bare inches from the Deveel's throat. Like I said, I was getting a little tired of people throwing their weight around.

  The Geek didn't move a muscle, but now he was watching the knife instead of me.

  "In case you missed it the first time around," Gus supplied, still smiling, "this 'punk Klahd's' name is Skeeve. The Skeeve."

  The Deveel pinked again. I was starting to enjoy having a reputation.

  "Why don't you sit down. Geek," Aahz suggested, "and tell the k...Skeeve...what he wants to know?"

  The Deveel obeyed, apparently eager to move away from the knife. That being the case, I naturally let it follow him.

  Once he was seated, I gave it one last twirl and set it lightly on the table in front of him. That reassured him somewhat, but he still kept glancing at it nervously as he spoke.

  "I...urn...I really don't have that much information," he began uncomfortably. "They only play one game a year, and the odds are usually even."

  "How is the game played?" Aahz urged.

  "Never seen it, myself," the Geek shrugged. "It's one of those get-the-ball-in-the-net games. I'm more familiar with the positions than the actual play."

  "Then what are the positions?" I asked.

  "It's a five-man team," the Deveel explained. "Two forwards, or Fangs, chosen for their speed and agility; one guard or Interceptor, for power; a goaltender or Castle, who is usually the strongest man on the team; and a Rider, a mounted player who is used both for attack and defense."

  "Sounds straightforward enough," my mentor commented.

  "Can't you tell us anything at all about the play?" I pressed.

  "Well, I'm not up on the strategies," the Geek frowned. "But I have a general idea of the action. The team in possession of the ball has four tries to score a goal. They can move the ball by running, kicking, or throwing. Once the ball is immobilized, the try is over and they line up for their next try. Of course, the defense tries to stop them."

  "Run, kick, or throw," Aahz murmured. "Hmmm...sounds like defense could be a problem. What are the rules regarding conduct on the field?"

  "Players can't use edged weapons on each other," the Deveel recited. "Any offenders will be shot down on the spot."

  "Sensible rule," I said, swallowing hard. "What else?"

  "That's it," the Geek shrugged.

  "That's it?" Aahz exclaimed. "No edged weapons? That's it?"

  "Both for the rules and my knowledge of the game," the Deveel confirmed. "Now, if we can settle accounts, I'll be on my way."

  I wanted to cross-examine him, but Aahz caught my eye and shook his head.

  "Would you settle for a good tip?" he asked.

  "Only if it was a really good tip," the Geek responded dourly.

  "Have you heard about the new game on Jahk? The three-way brawl that's coming up?"

  "Of course," the Deveel shrugged.

  "You have?" I blinked. I mean we had only just set it up!

  "I have a professional stake in keeping up on these things."

  "Uh-huh!" my mentor commented judiciously. "How are the odds running?"

  "Even up for Ta-hoe and Veygus. This new team is throwing everyone for a loop, though. Since no one can get a line on them, they're heavy underdogs."

  "If we could give you an inside track on this darkhorse team," Aahz said, looking at the ceiling, "would that square our account?"

  "You know about the Demons?" the Geek asked eagerly. "If you do, it's a deal. With inside info, I could be the only one at the Bazaar with the data to fix the real odds."

  "Done!" my mentor declared. "We're the Demons."

  That got him. The Geek sagged back in his chair for a moment, open mouthed. Then he cocked his head at us.

  "You mean, you're financing the team?"

  "We are the team...or part of it. We're still putting it together."

  The Deveel started to say something, then changed his mind. Rising silently, he headed for the door, hesitated with one hand on the knob, then left without saying a word.
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  Somehow, I found his reaction ominous.

  "How 'bout that, kid," Aahz chortled. "I got the information without paying a cent!"

  "I don't like the way he looked," I announced, still staring at the door.

  "C'mon. Admit it! I just got us a pretty good deal."

  "Aahz?" I said slowly. "What is it you always told me about dealing with Deveels?"

  "Hmmm? Oh, you mean, 'If you think you've made a good deal with a Deveel...!'"

  He broke off, his jubilance fading.

  "'First count your fingers, then your limbs, then your relatives!' " I finished for him. "Are you sure you got a good deal?"

  Our eyes met, and neither of us were smiling.

  Chapter Twenty

  "What are friends for?"

  -R.M. Nixon

  WE were still pondering our predicament, when Chumly interrupted our thoughts.

  "You blokes do seem to be having a bit of difficulty," he said, draping an arm around both of our shoulders. "But if it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you enlighten me as to what all this has to do with Tanda?"

  Normally, this would sound like a casual request. When one pauses to consider, however, that the casual request was coming from a troll half again as tall as we were, and capable of mashing our heads like normal folks squash grapes, the request takes on a high priority no matter how politely it's phrased.

  "Well, you know this game we're talking about?" Aahz began uneasily.

  "Tanda's the prize," I finished lamely.

  Chumly was silent. Then his grip on my shoulder tightened slightly.

  "Forgive me," he smiled. "For a moment there I thought you said my little sister is the prize in some primitive, spectator brawl."

  "Actually," Aahz explained hastily, trying to edge away, "the kid, here, was there when she was captured."

  "But it was Aahz that got her involved in the game," I countered, edging in the other direction.

  "You chaps got her into this?" the troll asked softly, his grip holding us firmly in place. "I thought you were trying to rescue her."

  "Whoa! Everybody calm down!" Gus ordered, stepping into the impending brawl. "Nobody wrecks this place but me. Chumly, let's all sit down and hear this from the top."

  I was pretty calm myself...at least, I wasn't about to start a fight. Still, Gus's suggestion was a welcome change in direction from the one the conversation was headed in.

  This time, I needed no prompting to let Aahz do the talking. While he gets trapped in oversights from time to time, if given free rein, he can and has talked us out of some seemingly impossible situations. This was no exception. Though he surprised me by sticking to the truth, by the time he was done, Chumly's frozen features had softened to a thoughtful stare.

  "I must say," the troll commented finally, "it seems little sister has done it to herself this time. You seem to have tried everything you could to effect her release."

  "We could give the Trophy back," I suggested.

  Aahz kicked me under the table.

  "Out of the question," Chumly snorted. "It's Aahz's gift fair and square. If Tanda got herself in trouble acquiring it, that's bloody well her problem. You can't expect Aahz to feel responsible."

  "Yes, I can," I corrected.

  "No," the troll declared. "The only acceptable solution is to trounce these blighters soundly at their own game. I trust you'll allow me to fill a position on your team?"

  "I'd had my hopes," my mentor grinned.

  "Count me in, too," Gus announced, flexing his stone wings. "Can't let you all go into a brawl like this without my steadying influence."

  "See, kid?" Aahz grinned. "Things are looking up already."

  "Say, Aahz," I said carefully. "It occurs to me...you know that Rider position? Well, it seems to me we'd have a big psychological advantage if our Rider was sitting on top of a dragon."

  "You're right."

  "Aw, c'mon, Aahz! Just because Gleep's a bit...Did you say 'you're right'?"

  "Right. Affirmative. Correct," my mentor nodded. "Sometimes you come up with some pretty good ideas."

  "Gee, Aahz..."

  "But not that stupid little dragon of yours," he insisted. "We're going to use that monster we got with Big Julie's army."

  "But, Aahz..."

  "But, Aahz nothing! C'mon, Gus! Close up shop here. We're heading for Klah to pick up a dragon!"

  Now, Klah is my home dimension, and no matter what my fellow dimension travelers say, I think it's a pretty nice one to live in. Still, after spending extensive time in some other dimensions, however pleasantly familiar the sights of Klah seem, they do look a little drab.

  Aahz had surprised me by bringing us well north of Possiltum, instead of at our own quarters in the royal palace. I inquired about this, and for a change my mentor gave me a straight answer.

  "It's all in how you set the D-Hopper," he explained. "You've got eight dials to play with, and they let you control both which dimension you're going to as well as where you are when you arrive."

  "Does that mean we could use it to go from one place to another in the same dimension?" I asked.

  "Hmmm," Aahz frowned. "I really don't know. It never occurred to me to try. We'll have to check into it sometime."

  "Well then, why did you pick this arrival point?"

  "That's easy," my mentor grinned, gesturing at our colleagues. "I wasn't sure what our reception at the palace would be like if we arrived with a troll and a gargoyle."

  He had me there. At the Bazaar disguises had been unnecessary, and I had gotten so used to seeing strange beings around me it had completely slipped my mind that our group would be a strange sight to the average Klahd.

  "Sorry, Aahz," I flushed. "I forgot."

  "Don't worry about it," my mentor waved. "If it had been important I would have said something to you before we left the Bazaar. I just wanted to shake you up a little to remind you to pay attention to details. The real reason we're here instead of at the palace is, we want to see Big Julie, and I'm too lazy to walk the distance if we could cover it with the D-Hopper."

  Despite his reassurances, I got to work correcting my oversight. To redeem myself, I decided to show Aahz I had been practicing during my tour with Tananda. Closing my eyes, I concentrated on disguising Gus and Chumly at the same time.

  "Not bad, kid," Aahz commented. "They're a little villainous looking, but acceptable."

  "I thought it would help us avoid trouble if they looked a little mean," I explained modestly.

  "Not bad?" Chumly snarled. "I look like a Klahd!"

  "I think you look cute as a Klahd," Gus quipped.

  "Cute? CUTE?" Chumly bristled. "Who ever heard of a cute troll? I say, Aahz, is this really necessary?"

  "Unfortunately, yes," my mentor replied, his grin belying his expression of sympathy. "Remember, you aren't supposed to be a troll just now. Just a humble citizen of this lower than humble dimension."

  "Why aren't you disguised?" the troll asked suspiciously, obviously unconvinced.

  "I'm already known around here as the apprentice of the court magician," Aahz countered innocently. "Folks are used to seeing me like this."

  "Well," Chumly grumbled, "there'll be bloody Hell to pay if anyone I know sees me looking like this."

  "If anyone you know sees you like this, they won't recognize you," I pointed out cautiously.

  The troll thought about that for a moment, then slowly nodded his head.

  "I suppose you're right," he conceded at last. "Let's off to find this Big Julie, hmmm? The less time I spend looking like this, the better."

  "Don't get your hopes too high," Aahz cautioned. "We're going to do our training in this dimension, so you might as well get used to being a Klahd for a while."

  "Bloody Hell," was the only reply.

  True to his plans for retirement. Big Julie was relaxing on the lawn of his cottage, drinking wine when we arrived. To the casual observer, he might seem nothing more than a spindly old man basking in the sun.
Then again, the casual observer wouldn't have known him when he was commanding the mightiest army ever to grace our dimension. This was probably just as well. Julie was still hiding from a particularly nasty batch of loan sharks who were very curious as to why he and his men gave up soldiering...and hence their ability to pay back certain old gambling debts.

  "Aye! Hello, boys!" he boomed, waving enthusiastically. "Long time no see, ya know? Pull up a chair and have some wine. What brings you out this way,eh?"

  "A little bit of pleasure and a lot of business," Aahz explained, casually gathering to his bosom the only pitcher of wine in sight. "We've got a little favor to ask."

  "If it's mine, it's yours," Julie announced. "What dayaneed?"

  "Is there any more wine?" I asked hastily.

  Long years of experience had taught me not to expect Aahz to share a pitcher of wine. One was barely enough for him.

  "Sure. I got lots. Badaxe is inside now getting some."

  "Badaxe?" Aahz frowned. "What's he doing here?"

  "At the moment, wondering what you're doing here," came a booming voice.

  We all turned to find the shaggy-mountain form of Possiltum's general framed in the doorway of the cottage, a pitcher of wine balanced in each hand. Hugh Badaxe always seemed to me to be more beast than man, though I'll admit his curly dark hair and beard when viewed in conjunction with his favorite animal skin cloak contributed greatly to the image. Of course, beasts didn't use tools, while Badaxe definitely did. A massive double-edged axe dangled constantly from his belt, at once his namesake and his favorite tool of diplomacy.

  "We just dropped in to have a few words with Big Julie here," my mentor replied innocently.

  "What about?" the general demanded. "I thought we agreed that all military matters would be brought to me before seeking Big Julie's advice. I am the Commander of Possiltum's army, you know."

  "Now, Hugh," Julie soothed, "the boys just wanted to ask me for a little favor, that's all. If it involved the army, they would've come to you. Right, boys?"

  Aahz and I nodded vigorously. Gus and Chumly looked blank. We had overlooked briefing them on General Badaxe and his jealousies regarding power.

  "You see?" Julie continued. "Now, then, Aahz, what sort of favor can I do for you?"