The Baby Shower

by Tasha Blue et al.

  She looked down for a moment and then her eyes rose to meet his. “Thank you.” That was all she said.

  He left and she closed the door behind him and watched him walk away from the window while she held Maddie in her arms. The significance of his back walking away from her and leaving her alone, was not lost on her. She hoped that someday, that would not be the dominant thought in her head when she looked at him.

  He was back the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. Each day he came to see her and each day he brought flowers, lunch or some thoughtful gift for her or for Maddie. Each day she grew more comfortable with him, but she began to grow leery of his constant presence. The communication from Kevin had slowed just a bit, and Lamar was becoming a constant presence in her home.

  He kept a respectful distance from her, but each day that distance grew shorter and shorter. She was just a little more concerned with what he wanted from her. Finally, she knew she would need to talk with him about it.

  They were standing in the kitchen and Maddie was sleeping in the living room. Marina poured him a cup of coffee and when she turned to look at him, she saw that his eyes had not left her at all since they had entered the room.

  “Lamar, we need to talk,” she said with a smile, hoping she sounded kind.

  He took a step toward her. “That we do, Marina.”

  She felt butterflies suddenly erupt within her and begin to zoom about as though it was a blizzard of them swirling everywhere. Her heart began to race and he took another step toward her, making her catch her breath as she looked up at him in uncertainty.

  “You’ve been coming over often… um, every day actually…” she managed as he stepped toward her again and stopped right in front of her.

  “…um, and I…” she forced herself to take a breath and look up into his dark brown eyes which were locked on her face, “I just wanted to remind you that we are just friends, Lamar.” She lost her voice at that point, because he had reached his hand up and taken her chin in his fingers. Her heart pounded against her chest and blood rushed through her.

  Her breath became short and she felt almost helpless as he gazed down at her, inches from her face.

  “We are friends. Good, old friends. Now you are a momma, and I love that about you, Marina. It has brought out a beauty in you that I never knew was there. I know Maddie’s father is around sometimes, but there’s no one here for you.” He traced his thumb over her lower lip and she could not breathe.

  “There’s no one here to love you, and you are a woman who shines best when she is really loved.” He lifted his hands to hold her face and lowered his lips to meet hers.

  Everything in her went into alarm, and everything was on high alert as he pressed his lips to hers softly, kissing her with a gentle tenderness. She felt like every natural disaster in the world was going off inside of her as his lips parted hers and when his tongue met hers, she closed her eyes and a soft cry emerged from somewhere near her heart, escaping from her body, only to be muffled by Lamar’s kisses.

  She didn’t know what she ought to do and confusion twisted through her as tiny embers of remembrance began to glow in the depths of her. He tasted her deeply and she gasped, submitting and kissing him in return, uncertain if it was what she really wanted, but feeling the electric wires in her body go live with his touch.

  Lamar moved his hands from her face to her shoulders, pulling her close to him, and then slid them slowly down the sides of her full breasts and around her waist, drawing her forward until they were pressed firmly against one another. She wanted to pull away; she wanted to run, having felt ultimate rejection from this man. Yet, the magnetic pull of his familiar and unfamiliar mouth on hers was dynamic. She had loved him more than she had ever loved anyone, and she had been hurt more by him than anyone else had ever hurt her. It was a powerful paradox, and one that created a vortex of confusion in her.

  As if stepping in like a guardian angel, Maddie woke and cried for her mother, and Marina instantly pulled away from Lamar, both of them gasping for air. Marina felt her world slowly right itself again. She walked into the living room and lifted her child into her arms, thanking her silently for her impeccable timing. She changed her and told Lamar that she needed to feed her, asking him if maybe he could visit another time, subtly implying that he needed to leave.

  He nodded and leaned over to kiss her cheek before he walked out the door. Marina took Maddie to her bedroom and climbed into the bed to feed her. As she lay against the pillows, emotions overflowed out of her eyes and down her cheeks. He should have been her husband. He should have been Maddie’s father, but he was not, and now she had no idea what to do with his affections and underlying intentions.

  She and Maddie fell asleep again in the bed where Kevin had slept beside them. Marina laid there, missing him terribly and wishing he were with them now. She knew it would only complicate matters more, but at least she knew where she stood with him. She wanted him, he was married, and she could not have him. Those were solid lines. Those were boundaries. There were rules in place.

  There were no rules with Lamar; he was a wild card, a dangerous possibility, and she had no idea how to handle him or what to do.

  Lamar returned the next day, as was his new habit, bringing two dozen red roses for Marina.

  “I’m sorry if I went a little too far yesterday, Marina,” he told her right away. “I don’t want to hurt you. I want nothing for you and little Maddie but the best, but I just have all these feelings for you, and they are coming back so strong, stronger than they ever were before. I worry about you, lady, and I wonder what your life is going to be like raising this little girl on your own. I don’t want you to be lonely.” He kept a slight distance, but only slight.

  “I’m so caught up in you, so bound up these feelings for you, Marina, you just pull at me like there’s a gravity between us that I can’t deny, and I want to be here with you both, however you will let me be here,” he told her, watching her closely.

  She kept herself a little way from him, keeping her eyes from connecting with him just a little more than she had been during his visits.

  He helped her with Maddie as much as she would let him, and he helped her around the house. She knew he was showing her that he belonged there with her, but she just didn’t know if she could make herself believe that it was real. She was not sure if she could trust him again and believe what he said.

  Lamar was near to her every chance he got, touching her hand, her arm, her back, lingering and watching.

  When she walked him to the door to tell him goodbye that day, he pulled her into another kiss, holding her closer than he had the day before and this time, when he let her go, he held her face in his hands and looked deeply into her eyes.

  “Marina, I’m going to be honest with you. I think you probably know it, but I want you with me. I want to be your man, I want to help you raise Maddie and take care of you. I want that more than anything else in my life, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen.

  “I’m not asking you to give me any kind of answer, but I want you to think about it. I want you to know just what it is that I am trying to do here. I want to build a family with you.”

  He kissed her as she stared at him in shock, her heart pounding and breaking almost simultaneously. “I have never stopped loving you, Marina, and you deserve to be loved, more than anything, all your life. You’re my girl and I want you,” he said earnestly, and then turned to leave as she stared after him with an open mouth and a torn heart.

  Chapter6

  Kevin’s first priority when he and Ellen returned from their honeymoon was to see Marina and Maddie. He had missed them terribly over the course of the two weeks he had been gone. He realized that his constant focus on his phone texting to Marina had drawn the ire of his wife because of his lack of attention to her.

  But it had also placed Marina squarely in his thoughts and dreams, and in order to focus on his goal of repairing his br
oken marriage, he had to keep her from constantly occupying his mind while he spent time with his wife.

  The day they got back, Ellen went directly to her room and closed the door, and he felt as though somehow they might have returned to their old habits, but he was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

  He, in turn, immediately went to Marina’s. He saw a tall, solidly built, black man leaving her house when he arrived, and wondered about him as he entered. Lamar saw Kevin walking in and wondered the same thing.

  Marina turned and saw Kevin in her doorway. Everything that had happened in the two weeks that they had been apart seemed to evaporate immediately, like morning fog; there for a moment, and gone the very next.

  She rushed to him and hugged him tightly, and he locked his arms around her.

  “I’ve missed you!” she said, in tears, unable to hold in her emotion.

  He reached his hand up and stroked her long black curls. “I’ve missed you too, Marina. So much.” His voice left him and he closed his eyes and breathed her in, pressing his face to her cheek and inhaling her scent. He kissed her cheek subtly, softly, and let his arms fall away from her. She smiled widely up at him and he saw the tears on her cheek.

  His fingertips erased them and he tilted his head slightly. “What are the tears for? Are you alright?” Concern was beginning to bubble up in him.

  “I’m fine. We’re both just fine,” she said grinning at him. “I just missed you so much, and it’s been… busy around here.” She shrugged and looked away from him. “Come see Maddie. She’s getting so big already!”

  He followed her and a seed of confusion and doubt began to grow in the pit of his stomach. They went into the bedroom and Kevin lifted Maddie from her bassinet, holding her close to his heart and rocking her as she slept. “I’ve missed you so much, sweet baby,” he whispered, his hand covering her back. “God, I’ve missed you.” He closed his eyes and for a moment, nothing in the world existed but the three of them together, and he was completely happy.

  Then he kissed his daughter on her head and laid her back in her bassinet.

  He sat on Marina’s bed and looked at her. “What do you mean it’s been busy? What’s been going on here?” The seeds of concern were growing as he spoke.

  She sat beside him and clasped her hands in her lap. “Well, Lamar came to visit and meet the baby,” she started, uneasily.

  Kevin nodded. “Yes?”

  “And he’s been coming back every day since,” she continued, not looking at him until the words were out of her mouth.

  Kevin felt everything in him tighten into a knot.

  “Every day? Why would he do that?” he asked.

  She drew a deep breath and looked at Kevin directly. “Well, he was on friendly terms when he first came in, but then he wanted to be around Maddie and me more, and so he came every day to see us, to spend time with us. Kevin, he has made it clear that he wants us.”

  Kevin could barely contain the chaos that overtook him inside, but he kept it in complete check and remained unruffled on the exterior. “What exactly does he want?” he asked, fearing that he already knew the answer.

  She pressed her lips together and then shrugged. “He wants to be here with us. He wants to be a family.”

  He felt as though everything that was most precious to him in the world was being yanked away and it was the worst pain he had ever known. It ripped a hole through him and left a huge gaping darkness through which nothing but an arctic blast of cold could be keenly felt.

  “What have you told him? What do you want?” he asked, not sure he wanted to know the answer.

  She stood up, walked a few paces, and ran her hand over her forehead, then turned to face him. “I haven’t answered him. He just said what he wants and he hasn’t asked me what I want. I don’t know what I want.” But as she said it, she knew otherwise.

  “Well, that’s not entirely true; I do know what I want, but I can’t have it, so the alternatives are to either be alone or to let him come back to me and be here with us.”

  Kevin stood up and looked sharply at her, doing his level best to keep his tone and his expression calm.

  “Marina, anything you want, anything at all, is yours. I would give you anything or do whatever you want. Name it, and it is yours. What is it that you want?” he asked, stepping toward her, hoping that whatever it was could be the talisman that kept Lamar at bay and away from the woman he loved and his child.

  She shook her head. “I can’t tell you that, Kevin.”

  He began to feel desperation course through him and it was so thick that it felt like it was permeating his body. “You can have anything you want,” he repeated, walking toward her until he reached her, standing just in front of her.

  Marina’s heart was breaking in her chest. She knew she couldn’t have what she wanted, and she knew she could not admit it to Kevin. She felt like everything in her was splintering in pain.

  “Kevin, I can’t, so stop asking me, please.” She could not stop a tear from rolling down her cheek and she tried to turn her head away from him so that he could not see it, but it was too late, and he lifted his hand to her cheek to wipe the tear away.

  “Marina,” he whispered and pulled her close to him, “Tell me, please. Tell me what it is you want. I will give it to you.” He lifted her chin and looked into her eyes, trying to anchor himself to the floor so he wasn’t completely lost in them.

  She felt the frustration of her entanglement build until she could not hold it in any longer, and everything she had been keeping to herself erupted all at once in the firm hold of his arms.

  “Kevin, I want you! Alright? I want to be with you. I love you. I want you here with me, helping me raise Maddie, holding me at night, loving me for the rest of my life. I want you! Are you happy now? I have admitted it.

  “I cannot have you, you’re married. I tried not to fall in love with you, and I’ve done my best. I just can’t keep my heart from needing you, and it is tearing me up! Lamar came and he wants to be here with us.

  “I want you and he wants to be in your place here, beside me with Maddie. Since you cannot be here and you don’t want me like that, I have to decide whether I want to be alone and wish you were with me. Or I can let him in and at least have a little love in my life, even if it’s not what I want.”

  She gushed everything out at him, and he stood there before her, awash in shock as her words registered meaning in his mind and in his heart.

  He shook his head slightly in disbelief and suddenly grasped her face in his hands and drew her to him in a kiss, moving his mouth over hers in surprise, in need, in desire and disbelief, in utter happiness, in relief, and more than all of them together, in complete love.

  Marina was stunned and still for a moment, but the warm touch of his lips on hers was like air to one who had been suffocating, and she drank him in, coming to life in his arms and feeling an exploding flame of desire and need ignite within her. She bound her arms around him and kissed him back as passionately as he was kissing her.

  His hands moved from her face to her back, holding her to him tightly as his tongue found hers and they tasted the heat they had both longed for. It burned hotly and their bodies hardened against one another in need.

  Kevin finally pulled his face away from hers and placed his hands on either side of her face. “Marina,” he spoke in a ragged whisper, “I cannot tell you how much I have wanted to kiss you, to touch you, to love you. I love you, my sweet, wonderful, beautiful woman. I love you with all of my heart, and I have wanted you so desperately, but there is so much complication… so much…” he broke off and choked back his emotion.

  “I know,” she whispered, placing her hands over his to feel him.

  “I’m married, and that is something I take very seriously. Ellen and I have recommitted ourselves to each other. I should not have even kissed you just now, and if that hurts you at all, I will never forgive myself for it, because I could never hurt you, but you have ask
ed me for the one thing I cannot give you, and that is myself.

  “Were it not for Ellen, I would be with you all of your days; I would spend my life with you, happily, blissfully, and love you every moment for the rest of eternity, but I am not free and I cannot give you that.” He lowered his hands from her face and holding one of her hands, sat on the bed with her as tears rolled down both of their cheeks.

  “I don’t want Lamar here; I don’t want him to be the dad that is around all the time, raising our daughter and loving you every night. I do not want him to have what I love more than anything in the world.

  “He does not deserve it; he walked out on you and hurt you, and I couldn’t bear for you to be hurt by anyone, including me. I can’t ask you not to be with him; you are single, and I am committed and it’s your right to be with someone so that you aren’t alone. It would be wrong to ask you to sacrifice your happiness for my own selfish wishes, and I would never do that.