Virtually Yours: A Virtual Match Anthology

by Kait Nolan

  “I guess I could always start dating for real,” Roxie said. “And he’d take the hint.”

  That was a horrible idea. He suppressed a scowl by pressing his lips tightly together. “You don’t want to date just to put off this jerk.”

  “No,” she agreed, drawing out the word into multiple syllables.

  He waited for her to say more. Why did she always get quiet when he wanted her to talk? Licking his lips, he found himself saying, “There’s this site online called Virtual Match. You can sign up and then they send you emails and texts from a virtual boyfriend. That way, if he reads your emails, he’d see that you’re dating someone, but you wouldn’t have to actually date someone.”

  Great. He’d rather Roxie be with someone make-believe than find happiness in a real relationship. He was a winner alright.

  “That’s…weird. I swear this girl at my high school did something like that. She had a boyfriend who sent her the biggest freaking teddy bear. It arrived in the middle of chemistry on Valentine’s Day. She swore her boyfriend was real, but his name was Paxton McKracken. What parent would name a child Paxton when their last name was McKracken? I think they arrest you in some countries for less than that.”

  She was almost done with her first slice of pizza and he was on his fourth. It was amazing she didn’t starve to death if she always ate this slowly. She was burning more calories talking and gesturing than she was consuming. But, hell, he was enjoying watching her eat. She licked her lips slowly after every bite.

  “And everyone knew she was hot for Jeremy Rush in chemistry and, damn, didn’t it work. A week later, Jeremy and her were doing graphic PDA against her locker. There’s this theory that most guys don’t want a girl until it looks like they can’t have her. It’s like a supply and demand thing. I’m almost certain that Paxton McKracken netted Jeremy Rush.”

  Wow, was she off-base. She might be available, but he wanted her…so much so that he was pushing her at an invisible boyfriend.

  She squinted and tilted her head. Then, a smile slid across her lips. “Virtual Match, huh?”

  He nodded.

  “Hmm.” She glanced his way. “Can I have another slice of pizza?”

  ~*~

  He logged on to Chris’s Virtual Match account. There was a section for new clients that employees could grab from if they thought they could handle more clients. There she was. Roxanne Edmonds. He stood up, pushing the chair back. The stumps of his legs ached after the hour of mowing and weed whacking he’d done earlier, but he needed to be on his feet, even if they weren’t his feet.

  This was crazy.

  “Don’t do it, Berg. Don’t do it.”

  He dragged both his hands through his hair. This might be more psycho than that bastard at her work.

  And she’d think it wasn’t real, that he wasn’t real.

  Why did it feel so damn creepy?

  Leaning forward, he clicked on her file. Oh, damn, she’d ordered the deluxe package! Why had she ordered that? That meant in addition to the emails and texts, she’d be getting phone calls from Chris. Why did she want to talk to someone? This was supposed to be about getting that coworker off her back. If she wanted to talk to someone, she could come next door and talk to him…or talk at him rather.

  Tonight had been good. Hadn’t it been good? It’d been good.

  They’d talked. Well, she’d talked. They’d eaten pizza—eventually she’d managed three pieces—though he’d had to slow down on his seventh slice so he wasn’t just staring at her while she ate.

  Why did she need to talk to a pretend boyfriend?

  He took a deep breath and thought it through. Did he really want some other guy pretending to be her boyfriend? Hadn’t he been pretending all these other women he’d been emailing and texting this week were her anyway? It’d been the only way he could figure out what to say.

  Closing his eyes, Berg tipped his head back. These were some lame-ass excuses for deceiving her.

  It probably wouldn’t amount to anything. In a couple weeks, he’d tell her the truth if she even cared. Which she wouldn’t. How could it matter? It was a fake relationship. Between two real people.

  Dropping back into his chair, he dug his knuckles into his right quad, massaging it. This might be the only time he talked to her and said things that mattered instead of the stilted single syllable crap he’d said so far. Something about her left him tongue-tied…which made him frustrated…which meant he sounded grouchy and pissy when he did reply.

  Reaching out for his mouse, he clicked to accept her as a client.

  “I am a bad, bad man.”

  Chapter Three

  “This isn’t weird. Why should it be weird? So, I paid some guy to interact with me. It’s not like I hired an escort,” Roxie muttered as she sat in front of her computer, waiting for it to boot up. Her eyes widened. “Oh my goodness, it’s totally like I hired an escort!”

  “Roxie?” Hannah stuck her head in. “Are you having some sort of mental crisis?”

  “No. Why? Why would you ask that?”

  Hannah grinned. “You’ve been muttering under your breath ever since you walked in the door.”

  Roxie sighed and dropped her head down into her folded arms. “I think I might have gotten involved with…someone and it’s too far outside my comfort zone.”

  “A guy?”

  Roxie shrugged rather than reply. It could be a guy. It could be a girl. It could be a randomly generated response from an operating system. She could be romancing a computer. She’d tried to focus on the Virtual Match “About” page but it hadn’t really held her interest. She’d been too focused on working up her courage to date a computer.

  Obviously her subtle hints to Berg about them dating had gone right past him…or he chose not to acknowledge them.

  This was the next best thing.

  Which was a sad state of affairs to be in.

  “It’s your neighbor, isn’t it?” Hannah asked. “The Marine with the hot form?”

  “How did you know he has a great body?”

  Snapping her fingers, the other woman pointed at her. “I knew it! You kept saying he didn’t have a problem carrying in all those books and you went to the office workout room for two of your lunches last week.”

  Hannah was right. How obvious could she be? Why not just hang up a sign saying she, Roxanne Elizabeth Edmonds, had unrequited lust for her neighbor? And, instead of acting on it, Roxie was about to start a love affair with a PC.

  Wrong on so many levels. What if she liked it? Did that make her some special sort of perv? Maybe there was an FBI division hunting freaks who developed a thing for computer-generated programs. She eyed her laptop. It wasn’t that wrong, was it? How high was the ick factor?

  “We had pizza together last night. My neighbor and I.” She sounded defensive even to her own ears.

  Narrowing her eyes, Hannah asked, “Who paid for it?”

  “He’d just mowed my lawn. Well, our lawn.”

  “Was he mowing the whole thing before you moved in?”

  “Yes.”

  Hannah tsked as she shook her head. “There are books about this. How to get a man without really trying and stuff like that…”

  Roxie reached over and clicked on her email program. The notification chimed as it opened up. She’d gotten a man without really trying. There was a subscription fee, but very little effort. In a moment of madness, she’d even gotten the deluxe package. Oh, yes, she’d ordered herself up a Paxton McKracken. “Hannah, how do you know when you’ve reached the pinnacle of pathetic?”

  “When you’re sitting on your kitchen floor in a pair of decade old sweatpants with a pint of freezer-burnt rocky road ice cream singing ‘Dancing Queen’ while crying your eyes out. Up until then, you’re just rehearsing for the role.”

  Roxie wrinkled her nose. “Does it have to be rocky road?”

  Hannah raised her eyebrows.

  Glancing over at her email, Roxie sighed at the unfamiliar email add
ress and the overly familiar subject line of “Just wondering how you are.” She didn’t have to open it. Its mere presence would be enough to get William to give up. Maybe. Though, if she didn’t open it and respond, maybe not. She really should respond just in case there was a human on the other end anyway. It would be rude not to.

  “What is it?”

  “Email from the new…guy.” Some people used the term “guy” as gender neutral—and what was a computer if not gender neutral?

  “Are you going to open it?”

  “Probably.”

  “Now?”

  “Probably not.”

  Hannah sighed. “Well, I have people to explain sexual harassment and substance abuse to.”

  “Same old. Same old.”

  Once her coworker left, Roxie’s hand began to itch with the need to look at it. She really should wait until her break…since it was a personal email. She minimized the window.

  Her good intentions lasted an entire hour before she opened it up. She clicked on the picture beside her fake boyfriend’s email to get a better look. Not bad. If you like blond guys with a thousand watt smile. He even looked slightly familiar. Maybe it was clip art or he’d modeled. After hanging out with Berg, though, “Chris” almost lacked…angst.

  Roxie groaned. She’d become that girl—the one who only wanted guys who were broken. Not that Berg was broken. But he had demons. This guy looked…nice. Berg was only nice in that he wasn’t technically unkind and was polite when forced. That was more her sort of “nice.” Also, her fake boyfriend was contacting her. She wasn’t having to tease answers out of him one syllable at a time. Boring.

  Still…

  From: Chris Knight < Chris@Synergy.ca.usa>

  Sent: Monday, October 5, 2015 6:34 AM

  To: Roxie@netwave.js

  Subject: Just wondering how you are

  I had a great time last night. You looked amazing. We should get together for dinner sometime soon. Let me know when you’re free. I want to get to know you better. I want to learn what makes you smile. I love your smile. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since last night. I hope you felt the same way.

  Chris

  She read it again. Using Berg’s voice. She was so pathetic. If Berg had sent her an email it would have been two sentences long: “Pizza was good. We should go Dutch next time.” Nah, that was too long.

  If she’d done this to someone else—signed them up for a Virtual Match account, someone who didn’t know it was fake, this would be unbelievably cruel. It felt real. When he said she’d looked amazing, she wanted to believe him. Swallowing a lump in her throat, Roxie sniffed. Was it so wrong to want someone to say these things to her in real life? Why didn’t someone want to know what made her smile?

  She wasn’t a bad person. But it had been years since her last real relationship. Her latest series of set-ups from friends had led to some abysmal dates that would go down in the annals of “how not to meet your future spouse.” When her mini-golfing date started hurling his guts out on hole nine, she’d decided to go on a dating hiatus.

  Roxie pushed to her feet and went next door. “Hannah, what’s wrong with me?”

  Her coworker’s eyes widened. “I decided last time I answered that question that I wouldn’t answer it again.”

  “I’m not unlovable, am I?”

  “Nooooo.” Great. Her work friend had a deer in the headlights look. This should make for an uncomfortable work environment.

  “That wasn’t meant to be sexually harassing.”

  Hannah snorted. “You’ve been in HR too long. Next, you’ll be asking if we need to do a trust exercise, and I’m not falling off the top of my desk into your arms.”

  “Seriously, though, I thought the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach. I’ve done cookies and pizza and he does not adore me yet.”

  The other woman’s eyes narrowed. “What happened with the new guy?”

  Shrugging, Roxie leaned against the doorframe. “He said all the right things, but he’s not the right guy.”

  “Give him a chance.”

  Tossing her arms up the air, she said, “Fine. I’ll pretend to be into him. For you.”

  Hannah fought a smile. “That’s all I ask.”

  From: Roxie

  Sent: Monday, October 5, 2015 9:17 AM

  To: Chris@Synergy.ca.usa

  Subject: RE: Just wondering how you are

  I liked spending time with you too. What makes me smile? Besides you? I like romantic comedies especially when the person next to me groans and looks away during the kissing scenes. I love to jump in puddles so that the splash makes a big splat sound and everyone within ten feet gets soaked. (This doesn’t make me many friends at bus stops.) I like any kind of baby animal. Even the ugliest animal manages to look cute when it’s a baby. I love the unexpected: a package from a friend, a coworker bringing in cupcakes, the first daffodil in spring. I like thunderstorms that make my heart pound. What do you like? What makes you smile?

  Roxie

  She hit send. And drummed her fingers. And tried to get work done.

  From: Chris Knight

  Sent: Monday, October 5, 2015 9:47 AM

  To: Roxie@netwave.js

  Subject: RE: Just wondering how you are

  Roxie,

  I’ve attached a picture of a naked mole rat baby. I call that exhibit A. Though I still suspect it’ll make you smile. You make me smile. I didn’t smile very much before I met you. Sometimes my best friend could force a smile out of me but not always. I guess I’ve spent too much time seeing the darkness in life. I look for the black underbelly of every cloud. Maybe I need more unexpected things in my life. I’ve gotten into a routine. It’s hard to break out of it. Maybe I just need cupcakes too. Sadly I don’t think anyone is going to bring me some. I should let you get some work done today. Email me later.

  Chris

  Wow, baby naked mole rats really are hideous.

  ~*~

  It was killing him to sign all these emails as Chris. He was going to have an identity crisis. Not to mention he’d started bcc’ing Chris because, eventually, Chris would be calling Roxie. His Roxie. Yeah. That had lasted through one entire email. He didn’t want Chris having any part of this. It was odd enough that he was being real while pretending to be a fake person who was pretending to be real.

  “I must be out of my freaking mind,” he said on a groan. There was no way this wasn’t going to bite him in the ass.

  Maybe she’d get bored of this. It had to be weird for her. Most of the other women had only emailed short replies arranging fake dates. Then again, most of the other emails he’d sent hadn’t been so personal. He wanted to be sending these emails to Roxie as himself, dammit. But he also didn’t want her moving across town to get away from his unwanted attention. She’d done nothing to indicate she wanted to be more than friends. She’d been more flirty with “Chris” than with him.

  He was having an identity crisis.

  Growling, Berg pulled up a local college’s website. He’d been skimming classes earlier. With his knack for languages, he might be able to get some sort of international business job.

  Berg hadn’t even noticed the passage of time until there was a knock on his door. Shutting his laptop, he pushed up stiffly. He arched his back in a stretch. What time was it? Huh, he’d been plugging through local college websites for hours. Just the fact that so much could be done online was intriguing. Not that he couldn’t stand a few strange looks and being the oldest guy on campus, but sitting around in his pajamas while taking a class was appealing.

  He yanked open the door, expecting to duck down for a package on the stoop and nearly face-planted in the cupcake Roxie had in front of her.

  Blinking, he stared. She was right there. With a cupcake. Surreal. “Did I know you were coming over?” Had she guessed he was Chris? So much for being vague. Maybe all the women he’d been emailing assumed he was someone they knew.


  “No. That’s why it’s unexpected.” She waved the cupcake under his nose. “It’s a cookies and cream cupcake. This bakery near my work makes them.”

  “You should have gotten one for you too.” He’d always been taught you didn’t eat in front of other people. His mother hadn’t given him a precedent for when the hot neighbor you were secretly emailing brought over something you secretly asked for.

  Roxie pulled her other arm from behind her. “I did.” And she walked by him, setting one cupcake in his hand. Stopping in his kitchen, she leaned against the counter and delicately began to peel the wrapper off the cupcake. It was like she was disarming a warhead.

  He yanked down the wrapper on one side and took a bite. “Mm. This is good,” he said around the cupcake.

  “Do you think I’m lovable?”

  He choked on his cupcake. His eyes burned as he coughed. Setting down his cupcake on the counter, he leaned over the sink and guzzled water, trying to soothe the fire in his throat.

  “Is that a no?”

  He was still coughing as he shook his head. Dang but that stung. Cookies and cream cupcakes should not be aspirated. Maybe he’d finish his cupcake later. Roxie might like the unexpected, but his windpipe was less fond. “Why…” He cleared his throat and tried again in a raspy voice, “Why do you ask?”

  She shrugged. She didn’t look like a woman who’d received emails from a boyfriend at work, not even a fake boyfriend. Had she hated his last email? “I’m twenty-seven years old and no one told me I look pretty today.”

  Now, wait a second… Oh. Hell. He got no credit for what he’d said as “Chris.” She wasn’t going to believe “Chris” even knew what she looked like, aside from the small avatar alongside her email. Berg cleared his throat.

  His voice was still croaky as he said, “You look pretty today. That pink color of your dress…is very pink.” He was so much better if he had time to think about it.