Appassionata rc-5

by Jilly Cooper

  ‘That’s my shirt,’ hissed Blue, ‘Cathie saved up months to buy it for me.’

  ‘My need is greater than yours,’ murmured Viking. ‘You’re not even trying to pull Abby.’

  To egg on Abby’s suitors, a mural showed Don Juan plucking guitars under moonlit windows, being admonished by large ladies, and chasing peasant girls round double beds. Getting into the spirit, Chloë, the comely alto soloist in Beethoven’s Ninth was trying to pull Julian, kneeling at his feet, pressing her pretty bosom against his locked knees.

  ‘As my wife, Luisa, is always complaining — ’ apologetically Julian lifted Chloë’s hand from his groin — ‘after a concert, I simply can’t.’

  ‘No such word as can’t,’ said Miss Parrott, delicately picking bits of onion out of a Spanish omelette. Then dropping her fork with a clatter, she started to cry: ‘Rodney always loved the harp.’

  ‘Well, he’s gone to the right place,’ said Viking, filling up her glass. ‘By now he’ll be knocking back Holy Spirit and goosing his first angel. Don Quixote was magic, Dimitri, would your Guarneri like a top up?’

  In the centre of the living-room, rapidly colouring the green carpet with spilt drink, a raucous game of strip poker was in progress. Abby’s suitors, realizing they had only two more nights to win the two thousand, had decided this would be as good a way as any to get her clothes off. But Abby had turned out to be an ace player, who was still fully clad in her orange vest, suede mini and high-heeled black sandals.

  Among the ring of musicians who surrounded her, on the other hand, Dixie was down to Bugs Bunny boxer shorts, Randy to one sock, Barry to his gold medallions, El Squeako to grey long-johns, and El Creepo to a corn plaster. Nellie had somehow retained her cut-out bra and mauve crotchless knickers. Cherub was wearing just Abby’s sunhat and giggling non-stop. A fully dressed Noriko crouched behind trying to cheat for him.

  ‘Abby’s got a furr house and Dixie a straight frush,’ she whispered.

  ‘There’s the straight frush,’ cried Cherub, who was far too drunk to make use of any information. ‘Sings his song twice over, without a repeat mark.’

  Everyone shouted with laughter and re-filled their glasses.

  ‘Just like Dejeuner sur l’Herbe,’ mused Henry, putting on his glasses to examine the poker groups on the green carpet.

  Candy and Clare, who’d eaten too much paella over the past few days to have any desire to strip off, were absolutely hopping. Randy and Dixie totally ignored them by day, then expected to move into their beds at night. Having drunk a bottle apiece, they had retired to a distant sofa.

  ‘I’m going for brains in future,’ said Candy. ‘If there’s a body thrown in, that’s a bonus.’

  ‘I’m going for breeding,’ said Clare. ‘They never ran after Abby until she took up the violin again. Bloody gold diggers.’

  ‘I fancy Julian, only decent bloke in the orchestra.’

  ‘Let’s go and rescue him from Alto Sex. Who were you talking to?’ added Clare disapprovingly, as Davie came off the telephone to Texas.

  ‘Wrong number, she shounded very nicesh. Got two liel girls.’

  ‘And you told her you were six foot two and twenty-six,’ said Candy in outrage.

  ‘Thatsh my inside leg, musht get ’old of Brun’ilde.’

  Despite continuous whoops, howls and blaring music, Chloë had finally fallen asleep across Julian’s thighs. Gently, like a violin case, he laid her on the floor. On the sofa beside him sat Francis and Bill Thackery, both very drunk.

  ‘We’ve gotta zap this merger the moment we get home,’ urged Julian. ‘We lost a great ally in Rodney.’

  ‘I loved the man,’ Bill Thackery’s eyes were very red.

  ‘Only conductor I’ve ever met who brought the word “you” into his conversation,’ sighed Francis.

  ‘How’s your wife’s hip, Francis?’ called out Abby, who’d been eavesdropping while shuffling the cards.

  Francis flushed. ‘Oh, much the same.’

  ‘I do hope you’ll get her into the hospital soon.’

  ‘Sooner than you think if Francis gets his leg over,’ murmured a now naked Dixie, as he lobbed shiny black olives at Nellie’s nipples.

  Abby, who still hadn’t shed a garment, dealt again. The men in the orchestra had all been so complimentary about her solo and her handling of the concert. But she was utterly unmoved that most of them were now stripped for action because of a certainty that she and Viking were finally going to make it. Drink had anaesthetized the pain of Rodney’s death. She could only remember the heaven of Viking’s arms around her, even the very reluctant slap had been oddly comforting. In a matter of seconds, she had exchanged one father figure for another.

  Even now Viking was detached from the party, leaning against the wall in that heavenly blue shirt, sweating out a weak Scotch, swapping Rodney stories with a stunned, tearful Cyril. But all the time, his eyes never left Abby’s face, a little smile flickering over his beautiful, stubborn mouth. Totally forgetting Marcus, liberated from a disapproving Flora’s chaperonage, Abby felt a pulse as insistent as a snare drum throbbing between her legs. It was going to happen.

  A drunken shout greeted another extract from Rachel’s Requiem, this time on the violin.

  ‘That was a glorious solo, Julian,’ shouted Cherub, then seeing the uncontrollable jealousy on Bill Thackery’s face, added, ‘but your century against the CCO was even better, Bill.’

  Always the good sport, Bill joined in the roars of laughter.

  Julian was glad he had confided to Bill his worries about Rannaldini and the closing-down of the RSO. Bill would fight their corner with the board.

  A hand was sticking out of the wardrobe again so Julian gave it a bottle this time. Tarzan howls greeted the removal of Nellie’s crotchless knickers. Carmine, who’d been discussing an expedition to a bull-fight tomorrow with Quinton, glanced over at Nellie and winked.

  ‘Must have a tinkle,’ said Nellie ten seconds later, and tottered after Carmine into Abby’s spare bathroom.

  A hovering Blue, hearing the lock snap, looked round for Cathie, who was wearily listening to Little Jenny droning on about the Celtic Mafia.

  ‘They are all pigs, Cathie.’

  Everyone was too far gone to begin behaving when Hilary marched in, demanded a Perrier and started photographing the more advanced forms of debauchery, which included Dimitri drinking Famous Grouse whisky out of an ashtray.

  ‘Didn’t you see the “No Moles” sign on the door,’ shouted Randy.

  Ignoring him, Hilary announced she must go and spend a penny. Viking watched her go towards Abby’s spare bathroom, which contained Nellie and Carmine, then surreptitiously turn left into Abby’s bedroom. Equally surreptitiously, Viking stole after her.

  He found her trying on a diamond necklace, before regretfully turning to Abby’s briefcase, systematically opening envelopes, reading letters, flicking through Abby’s diary and her address book.

  Padding up behind her, Viking closed his hands round her neck.

  ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’

  Hilary shrieked and dropped the briefcase with a clatter.

  Under his fingers, Viking watched an ugly red blush rise out of her pie-frill collar.

  ‘I was looking for a copy of tomorrow’s schedule,’ stammered Hilary, ‘to — er — see what time we’re leaving for Toledo.’

  ‘Bollocks, as if you didn’t know, since your poxy lover called a special inspection at six-thirty outside the hotel.’

  He let his hands fall.

  ‘You were snooping, darling. Just how much is Rannaldini paying you to shop Abby?’

  It was a complete shot in the dark. But Hilary’s jump of horror, like a suddenly buggered maiden aunt, said it all.

  ‘Get out, you meddling bitch, or I’ll call the police,’ said Viking.

  Alone in the room, still shaking with fury, he picked up a periwinkle-blue silk scarf, breathing in Amarige. How trusting Abby was — with
most of her orchestra in the next room — leaving the unlocked briefcase, the rubies, sapphires, diamonds, the platinum Amex card all spilling wantonly out of her jewel case. Amidst them, like a golden egg, with its leaves shrivelling, was the orange he’d picked her from the coach.

  Viking had never been in any doubt that he would win the two thousand pounds. He had already earmarked the money, and told his Wexford grandmother that he would be sending her to America for her seventieth birthday. She hadn’t seen her elder sons and their families who lived in New York and Philadelphia for twenty years.

  Viking knew that Abby adored him. He had not forgotten how she had trembled in his arms outside the pub at Christmas. It had been the same this evening. It would require less effort than picking that orange. She would fall into his hands like a sleek ripe yellow pear.

  Flora had told him about the secret engagement to Marcus and her grave doubts about the whole thing. Viking felt it was almost his duty to break it up.

  ‘Sorry, mate,’ he turned Marcus’s photograph to the wall. ‘You’ve lucked out on this one.’

  As he wandered back into the living-room, he was pleased to see the silhouettes of his Second Horn and Cathie Jones become one under the stars on the balcony. It would make up for nicking Blue’s shirt.

  Peter Plumpton, totally naked, was now mincing around with an upended bread basket on his head.

  ‘D’you thenk it’s suitable for Escot?’ he was asking, to howls of drunken laughter.

  Abby’s other suitors, having failed to beat her at poker, were getting desperate. El Creepo, who wanted the two thousand for a big screen for his porn videos, was clumsily trying to chat her up.

  ‘What brassière size d’you take Abby?’

  ‘Don’t insollt my woman,’ howled Viking, grabbing El Creepo by his food-stained lapels.

  ‘Don’t, Viking, your tooth,’ screamed Abby, as El Creepo raised a nervous fist.

  Diversion was provided by a mighty splash from next door as the brass section threw a fully dressed Dirty Harry into the jacuzzi because they thought he needed a bath.

  All the other revellers surged into the bathroom, with El Creepo sidling hastily after them, leaving Viking and Abby gazing at each other.

  ‘Am I?’ she whispered.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Your woman?’

  ‘Sure you are.’

  Unnerved by his nearness, Abby reached for her champagne, but Viking caught her wrist and emptied the glass into a vase of chrysanthemums.

  ‘No more,’ he said softly. ‘It dolls the senses, you don’t need Dottch courage with me.’

  Abby was always banging on about the importance of bonding. Next door, it was more a case of James Bonding, as the rest of the party stripped off with squeals of glee to see how many of them could jump into the jacuzzi so the water spilled over, turning the blue shag-pile into a soggy pond.

  ‘I’ve always longed to go skinny-dipping,’ yelled Ninion.

  ‘And I’ve always wanted to go fatty-dipping,’ screamed Isobel, erupting from the wardrobe, breasts flying like duffle-bags, landing amid the heaving flesh, dispatching the last of the water.

  ‘Quite extraordinary, pure Rubens,’ said Old Henry, putting on his spectacles to walk round the jacuzzi.

  ‘Who killed Cock Rubens?’ shouted Dixie, active at the back of the scrum, to more cackles of laughter.

  Davie Buckle sat beside them on the loo with the seat down swigging from a bottle of Dubonnet and telephoning Japan. Everyone jumped as Militant Moll stomped in, dressed for bed in men’s wool striped pyjamas and leather slippers.

  ‘Anyone seen Ninion?’

  ‘No,’ chorused the heaving flesh.

  Burying his face gratefully in Isobel’s massive breasts, Ninion prayed Moll wouldn’t recognize his skinny flanks.

  ‘He said he was going to Mass in one of the cathedrals,’ called out Miss Parrott.

  ‘Plenty of steeples round here,’ giggled Clare.

  ‘You’re despicable,’ thundered Moll, marching out to rousing cheers. ‘Can’t you see how this degrades women?’

  ‘Get us some more hooch, Davie, love,’ asked Randy who was busy degrading Candy. ‘Just give room service a bell.’

  ‘Got to cock in with Brün’ilde,’ mumbled Davie, redialling.

  ‘Tum, ta, ta, tum, tum, tum, ta, ta, tum, tum,’ yelled the RSO to The Ride of the Valkyries.

  ‘You get the booze, Lincoln, you’re the youngest,’ Dixie ordered the Fifth Horn, who was sitting on the edge of the jacuzzi, in his Y-fronts, sadly gazing into space.

  Opening the wardrobe and finding Simon Painshaw and Peter Plumpton passed out in each other’s arms, Lincoln hastily shut the door, and staggered into Abby’s bedroom where he found Little Jenny in tears on the bed.

  ‘I thought you loved me.’

  ‘I do, I do.’ Lincoln collapsed on the bed beside her.

  Viking would throttle him, but he couldn’t keep the secret any longer.

  ‘Two thousand pounds would have paid off my overdraft,’ he admitted finally, ‘paid a deposit on a flat, and bought you an engagement ring, because, oh Jenny, I want to marry you.’

  ‘Did you say engagement ring?’ yelped Jenny, blowing her nose on Abby’s scarf. ‘Oh please, oh yes please.’

  Having kissed her at length, Lincoln staggered to his feet.

  ‘Let’s go to my room, Cherub won’t be back for hours. I’ll go and find the key.’

  Looking for stray bottles of drink in Abby’s bedroom, Candy found Jenny, gargling with Abby’s mouthwash and spraying Amarige on her bush.

  ‘You’ll never guess why they’ve all been chasing Abby,’ she whispered. ‘Promise you won’t tell anyone?’

  Candy promised.

  ‘Randy wanted some new golf clubs,’ Jenny was still explaining two minutes later.

  ‘I’ll club him,’ screeched Candy, storming back to the jacuzzi.

  ‘Found it,’ cried Lincoln, waving his room key.

  ‘Why are you carrying Cherub’s clothes?’ asked Jenny.

  ‘It’ll take him longer to get back to our room,’ said Lincoln.

  As none of the sorties for more booze had been successful, Francis was dispatched on yet another recce.

  ‘Lady in buff, Lady in buff,’ said the RSO, swaying to the tune of ‘Lady in Red’.

  Going into the sitting-room to round up any spare drink, Francis discovered Abby and Viking kissing the life out of each other. They looked so beautiful. Viking was stroking Abby’s cheek as though he was rubbing the earth away from some long-buried Grecian urn. The blaze of triumph on his face made Francis reach for his dark glasses.

  Oh fuck, groaned Francis. Bang went poor darling Janey’s hip operation. Never had he found it harder to be a good loser.

  When he returned, the revellers fell on his armful of bottles.

  ‘Viking’s won the two grand,’ he murmured sadly to Old Henry.

  For a second, Isobel stopped French kissing Ninion.

  ‘Viking’s always been too grand,’ she said dismissively.

  ‘It was Catch 25 situation,’ sighed Dimitri, emptying a whole bottle of Amarige into the steadily overflowing jacuzzi. ‘I vanted to take you to Petersburg, but I love you too much to vin sweepstake.’

  ‘You can take me to Paradise instead,’ cried Miss Parrott. ‘Oh my wonderful, wonderful Whayte Russian.’

  FIFTY-NINE

  Viking was not happy about the contrast between Abby’s seven-room suite, and the cupboard he was sharing with Blue which was stuffy, airless, shaken with stamping music from the Flamenco night-club opposite and already littered with his discarded possessions.

  He felt as though he was shoving a beautiful bird of paradise into a bantam coop. But he had no time to fret. The pack, in their last-ditch scramble for their prize money, would be soon on his trail.

  ‘You have the choice of two ironing boards,’ he said, unbuttoning his heavenly blue shirt.

  Abby shoved the beds together.
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  ‘We can make love across them.’

  ‘A woman of experience.’

  ‘Only of hotel bedrooms. I toured for four years. They provided French champagne and baskets of fruit but nothing as appealing as-’ the words died on her lips. The fastest undresser in the world, Viking kicked off his shorts with one foot and caught them on his upright cock.

  ‘That’s awful neat,’ said Abby in admiration.

  ‘It was a trick of Rodney’s.’

  Oh shit, what a time to remind her.

  Abby collapsed on the bed, her face crumpling.

  ‘Perhaps we shouldn’t with Rodney just-’

  She gazed up, her eyes huge, enflamed, anguished.

  ‘Rodney’s ondyng wish,’ Viking crossed his fingers behind his back, ‘was for us to end op together. I expect the old dote’s already installed a two-way mirror in the floor of heaven so he can watch us.’

  ‘He wanted us to be together? Are you sure?’

  ‘Quite.’ Ducking Jove’s thunderbolts, Viking peeled off Abby’s orange vest. ‘Jesus, you’re lovely, darling.’ Tipping back the yellow bedside lamp, he lifted one warm gold breast wonderingly, then let it drop.

  But, as he unzipped her suede skirt, Abby hung her head, uncharacteristically shy and terrified, the giraffe finally cornered by poachers.

  ‘You need a tranquillizing dart, my darling,’ Viking stroked her quivering shoulders, talking to her softly. ‘You have no idea how stonning you look, or how beautiful it’s going to be.’

  Thank Christ he’d beaten the others to it, the thought of them groping and fumbling her was unbearable. He reckoned that Abby was far too tall often to have been carried by a man, and probably never in a bedroom. So, to make her feel precious and fragile, Viking gathered her up, telling her her mouth was like a dark red rose, before he buried his lips in it, kissing her so passionately and for so long, that it was Abby who pulled away gasping for breath.

  Then, with the ecstasy of an art dealer unrolling a previously undiscovered Modigliani, he laid her across the two beds, sliding his hands in wonder over the sleek satiny scented contours.

  ‘Oh, my beauty.’

  ‘Am I OK?’ Fazed by the intensity of his gaze, Abby’s hands fluttered to shield her breasts and her pubic hair.