Titan (EEMC Book 2)

by Bijou Hunter

  And I’m right!

  Over the next few days, Anders needs pot a lot. Not for stress, but to deal with the pain. Unaccustomed to people making a fuss over his suffering, he acts embarrassed when we pamper him. Except he’s our family now. His suffering affects us. I don’t think anyone’s ever felt Anders’s heart. They get distracted by his body or even his handsome face. No one dug deeper. Now, four people care more about him than he could ever care about himself.

  After the trip to the Village, we visit the supermarket. Mama, Dove, and I buy too much food—vegetables, fruits, grains, and meats. I’m amazed by the number of choices. Mama has big ideas for future meals. I warn her how Anders is used to eating from restaurants, and we can’t expect him to give up his routines completely. She promises we won’t overwhelm him with changes.

  At the Walmart, Anders has us find shoes, both for warm and cold weather. He insists we buy jackets and other clothes. We only get a few things each. I know people in this world like collecting items, but Dandelions don’t believe in excess.

  Compromise will prove important as we merge our ways with Anders’s. We can’t twist up his mind with too many changes. However, Anders can’t expect us to give up our beliefs either.

  “I want you to be you,” he says that night in an almost-panicked voice. “If you change, your feelings for me might change, too.”

  “Then, I won’t change,” I promise as I nuzzle his jaw. “I never want to stop loving you.”

  Anders trusts in my words, though not always or completely. Those terrible voices have been telling him ugly lies since before I was born, and he’ll always hear them.

  But my voice is stronger in his mind now. Each day, I’ll speak to him, making promises I intend to keep. Mama, Dove, and Future will also fill his head with loving truth. Anders will finally have the family he deserves.

  ANDERS

  Pixie is usually a wise little flower child, but she is wrong about why people treated me like a monster. My honey always wants to see the best in me. And there’s no denying my mother was nuts to try to murder me, and my grandparents were fucked up people to torment me. And, of course, my father wasn’t the devil. I wasn’t born evil. Those were lies, and I deserved better.

  But I can see why the people here in Elko—the Executioners and their honeys—viewed me with suspicion. Their distance didn’t come from blaming me for the death of Wheels. Instead, they remained wary for the same reason most people did in my life.

  I’m scary. I use my large body to terrify and hurt people. I’m the bad guy. I wasn’t born that way. My family started me down the path. Then, heroin and the Killing Joes sped along the process.

  By the time I arrived in Elko, I barely spoke. My face was always angry. I struggled to show a single sliver of warmth to these people. They treated me as a leashed monster because that’s how I acted.

  But Pixie ignores that side of me. I know she sees it, though. I’ve long since stopped thinking of her as innocent or naïve. What she lacks in life experiences doesn’t make her dumb. She chooses to focus on the good in me.

  Just like she does with her family. Dove isn’t weak. She owns a soft soul. Fairuza isn’t bossy. She possesses a strong spirit. I’m not a monster. I’m a man with a broken heart filled with sunshine hiding behind clouds.

  This belief explains her reaction at the Village when I grab Perry by the head. The asshole tried to walk past Fairuza as if she were invisible. No way would I let that shit slide. I place my large hand on his head and press down. He stops moving immediately under the weight of my strength. Around us, the Volkshalberd shrink in fear. Even my fellow club brothers get edgy. Am I about to pop this man’s head?

  “If I get wind,” I whisper in Perry’s ear, “of you saying anything negative about my family, I will tear off your arms. If Future comes looking for you one day and you try to turn him against his family, I’ll tear off your legs. If you try to continue your shitty bloodline, I’ll tear off your dick and balls. In reality, asshole, you’re on borrowed time.”

  Once I release Perry, and he rushes away, a pissed Pixie appears next to me. She doesn’t give two shit about her former stepfather’s feelings, of course.

  “You need to take care of your body,” she mutters, checking my shoulder despite me not even using that arm. “Mama, make him behave.”

  Fairuza offers me a knowing smile before promising her daughter that she will act as my supervisor while I supervise others. Frustrated by my behavior, Pixie frowns hard at me. No doubt, if I squished Perry’s head, she wouldn’t bat an eye. Her only concern is my health.

  Pixie is very bothered by adding more scars to my body. When she touches my old ones hidden under tats, she isn’t disgusted. Her heart hurts, and Pixie gets clingy when she’s afraid.

  I learn this fact over the next few days. She rarely lets me out of her sight.

  Once we’re done at the Village, we pick up Dove and Future to go to the store. I’m tired and a little grouchy, but I want my family to own proper clothes. We also buy the groceries they’ve been begging for since moving into the house.

  Before heading home, I swing us by Bambi’s Bar & Grill, so they can see what the restaurant looks like from the inside. We enjoy a late lunch, where everyone smiles and sways to the country music.

  “No more work,” Pixie insists once we arrive home. “You should go sit on the couch and rest. Or sleep. We’ll carry everything inside and put our new clothes away.”

  “What if I want to help?” I push, challenging her.

  “You need marijuana for your pain. Dove, help him.”

  Pixie is a sneaky flower child. She knows I can’t pull my same grouchy bullshit with her little sister. Dove will cry immediately, and I can’t deal with that sight. So, when the girl guides me into the house, I follow like an obedient giant.

  “Here’s your remote,” Dove whispers, still shy around me.

  I can’t deny enjoying these people taking care of me. No one has babied me like this since I lived at the apartment building with the bunnies while coming off heroin. Back then, their comfort felt fake. They didn’t know me. Bronco ordered them to pretend to care.

  With the Yabo family, I know their feelings are real. Even little Future picks up the remote when I drop it later. He’s always checking my face to see if I’m happy or not. I don’t know why the scrawny little guy isn’t scared of someone so big.

  Tonight, Fairuza finally makes her carrot juice. I do my best to be impressed by something I have no craving for. Future, though, goes nuts. He’s so happy to have a familiar food that he can’t stop giggling. Once he gets started, the women follow suit. Watching the four of them laughing, I chuckle too. Is life with a good family this simple?

  Later, after her family heads to the basement, Pixie tells me how Fairuza will take the kids downstairs every night by eight.

  “That way, we’ll have privacy to run around naked,” she says, checking my shoulder again. “However, with the cooler weather at night, we might not be able to enjoy the hot tub.”

  “Is naked something we can do now?” I ask, awkward after all her mothering today.

  Grinning immediately, Pixie stands and starts stripping. Once naked, she bounces around and holds her tits.

  “We must be very careful, though,” she says, and her gaze flashes to my wound. “You can’t be on top.”

  “No, not for a while, but we’ll still have plenty of fun.”

  Pixie’s smile returns. “I want you to feel good.”

  Once again, I see myself through my honey’s big brown eyes. She thinks I’m sexy. My heart is full of sunshine. My past is part of my story, but it doesn’t define me. I’m not perfect, but I belong to her.

  When I see myself as she sees me, I know I’ll never be happy again if I keep hiding in the shadows and mumbling rather than speaking up. From now on, I want to be the man Pixie loves rather than the man others fear.

  PIXIE

  Our home is so large and filled with activities th
at I never want to leave. Days after the raid on the Village, Anders has men set up the trampoline and a huge playset. I won’t let him help. Anders sits in a chair and supervises. Future climbs into his lap at one point, curious about what the men are doing in his yard. When they finish, and my brother realizes the fun stuff is remaining, he hugs Anders.

  My blond bear even blushes a little when Future thanks him. I suspect Anders forgets to be human. That’s a bad habit I hope to help him fix.

  Hours later, as we eat dinner outside, Anders admires the improvements. “I thought I didn’t want changes, but the yard looks fucking great. My house feels like a home now. I want more.”

  “No chicken coop,” Mama says immediately. “Barbie said children under five shouldn’t be around the chickens.”

  Anders grins at me and admits, “I really didn’t want chickens.”

  “Me either,” I announce despite Dove’s frown. “I like fresh eggs, but chickens are very messy. All animals are. I saw Bronco’s girls cleaning up dog poop a lot from their yard. I don’t want to spend my day worrying about where I’m putting my feet.”

  Anders leans his head back and unleashes thunderous laughter. Future flinches at the sound and then claps when he realizes what’s happening. Dove giggles at how happy our grand sequoia sounds.

  The next night, while Future sleeps in the bed he shares with Mama, Anders plays “Raiders of the Lost Ark” for Mama, Dove, and me in the special room. My sister and mother are as amazed by the movie as I was the first time.

  This experience is beyond the cooking and travel television shows we’ve watched. Instead, we feel as if we’re in the room with the people on the screen. Dove even gets upset during the violent parts. Though she cuddles closer, looking teary-eyed, my sister refuses to stop watching.

  We enjoy ourselves so much that we plan to make a weekly habit of movie night. Anders can’t hide his excitement. He’s like a little boy with new friends to share his toys with.

  Over the next weeks, Anders proves he really does crave change.

  “I want to make a kid,” he tells me often. “I want a piece of me in this world that isn’t fucked up.”

  People have children for many reasons. Some do so because they have no choice. Others just want to fit in. Making a healthy version of Anders doesn’t seem like the worst reason in the world.

  “We will have sex every day, and then our child will exist.”

  “You need to stop with the cartwheels and jumping on the trampoline,” he mutters, always wearing a prickly frown when he struggles with his past. “You’re making my jizz fall out when you do that.”

  “No, no,” I assure him in my softest voice. “The trampoline makes the jizz bounce farther up into me. And cartwheels use gravity to help the jizz swim faster.”

  Anders laughs whenever I explain my theories. He is never completely certain if I’m joking or not. Though I remain a strange creature from an unknown world, he understands I’m the person who loves him most.

  However, I’m not the only one who adores Anders. Mama calls him her giant blond son. Dove thinks he’s a majestic bear. Future wants to share everything with Anders, especially apples.

  Our love gives him the confidence to push himself farther. Suddenly, he talks about adding more color in the house.

  “Akron’s honey painted their family room a dark yellow and a real nice green. Feels as if their yard flows into the house.”

  “I can’t think of anything better than adding more of your heart to your home,” I say, excited about his ideas.

  In early October, Anders hires men to paint the house. While he supervises the home improvements, Mama, Dove, Future, and I visit Lana’s house. He doesn’t want the paint fumes to mess with his child.

  “He’s very protective since I missed my menses,” I explain to Topanga.

  “You should double your calories to ensure you’re getting enough to reach a healthy weight while also feeding what will likely be a large baby.”

  “The baby might not be so big.”

  Topanga and Lana share a look that means I’m naïve. I’m learning to read their expressions.

  “Well, I will eat whatever I need to eat,” I explain, more interested in the painting going on at the house than a baby that I won’t see for a very long time. “I will see a doctor and do the stuff you do in this world.”

  Again, the women share a look. I wish I felt closer to them, but I’d rather play with Dove and Future or talk with Anders and Mama than make friends. One day, I might get better at the small talk part of relationships. Right now, I only wish to focus on my four people.

  “Barbie found the Dandelions!” Mama cries, rushing into the house from the front yard where she spoke with Bronco’s sister. “She found them on the phone.”

  “Mama, how?” I ask, looking at my phone without understanding.

  Topanga laughs when I shake the device. “She probably searched their names on the internet.”

  “How do I do that?”

  “I spoke with Helena,” Mama says, taking my hands and pulling me into a hug. “She and many of our friends are at a Florida commune. Tomorrow, others will come to their computer where they can see and talk to us. I didn’t understand that part, but Barbie said she would help.”

  Tightening my grip on Mama, I’m struck by a cold dread. As relieved as I feel over finding our fellow Dandelions, I can never leave Anders. Does Mama understand how I won’t move to Florida?

  “Are they leaving Elko?” Topanga whispers to Lana.

  I sit down and try not to panic. Yet, the thought of Mama, Dove, and Future leaving breaks my heart. Abandoning Anders isn’t even a possibility, and he can’t walk away from his duty to Bronco.

  Mama is so excited about finding the Dandelions that she talks too fast to Barbie. I don’t know how the women became friends. One day, Barbie showed up and said Mama should go with her for gardening supplies. Now, they talk every day. Will having a friend in the Woodlands convince Mama to stay?

  “Pixie,” she says, still thrilled as she sits next to me on Lana’s couch, “there’s a camera on the phone. We can take pictures of our home and send them to Helena and the other Dandelions. Otherwise, I’m certain they would never be able to picture our life here. Barbie said Anders will know how to create the pictures for us.”

  When I consider her words, Mama must see something on my face. She wraps her arms around me.

  “We will always be Dandelions,” she whispers in my ear. “But, our home is with Anders now.”

  Filled with relief, I hold Mama tighter. “I thought you might leave.”

  “How can I leave a man who loves my chickpea shakshuka as much as Anders?” Mama teases, and I shiver with relief. “Leaving you and Anders would be like tearing out my heart. Dove and Future wouldn’t survive without you, either. This is our home.”

  By the time we arrive at the newly-painted house, I’m exhausted from too many fighting emotions. Most of all, I missed Anders, but I knew he wanted everything to be nearly finished for his big reveal.

  “Wow!” Future says as we walk inside.

  My brother perfectly expresses how we feel once we see the rich yellows and greens on the walls. The once cold house feels warm and colorful now.

  “This doesn’t look like Bronco’s house anymore,” I tell Anders, wrapping my arms around his waist. “This home belongs to Anders Van Der Haas. It’s as big and warm as his heart.”

  “Only because of you,” he whispers, stroking my stomach where our baby grows.

  Dove asks if she can see her room, now painted a pale purple. Mama takes the kids downstairs to investigate. She chose a light green for the bedroom she shares with Future. Though I’m excited to see everything, too, I remain at Anders’s side. He’s far more beautiful than any wall color.

  “This home feels loved,” I tell Anders. “Do you?”

  Anders just smiles and hugs me tighter to him. My grand sequoia does feel loved.

  Despite his newfound con
fidence, Anders still struggles with his past. There are times when he can’t seem to find an ounce of peace in his own skin. His muscles clench as if he’s preparing to explode.

  I don’t waste time explaining anything to him until he’s smoked a joint and gotten a little space from us. Then, I whisper to the scars on his body, reminding them how they represent Anders’s strength. Weaker people die from such suffering. Anders is a grand sequoia, battered by many cruel years yet as powerful as ever.

  Anders knows I love the real him. No, he isn’t perfect. Occasionally, he’s downright cruel. I stand up to him at times and let him be at others. Mostly, I refuse to let his past ruin his present and future.

  Anders is like a haunted house from the movies I watch during that first Halloween. Many times, he is quiet, undisturbed, beautiful. Other times, the pain from his youth and the years he spent with the Killing Joes can make him scary. The cruel voices in his head never want him to forget or forgive. If he lets his past die, they won’t exist, and everything fights to live on.

  Yet, Anders is changing. So am I. Mostly, I’m beginning to understand this outside world’s many rules.

  First, we go to the doctor and dentist like Topanga wants. She’s so amazed to learn we don’t have cavities.

  “Few sweets and lots of flossing,” Mama explains. “Also, each Dandelion went to the dentist once a year back in Indiana.”

  At the doctor, we learn about calorie intake. He encourages us to drink those nutritional shakes the Executioners brought the Volkshalberd. Mama also sees an eye doctor and gets glasses.

  To become more independent of Anders and our new friends, Mama and I are learning to drive enough to get our legal papers. For now, we can use cars inside the Woodlands, where the Executioners are the law.

  Dove doesn’t attend school. However, through the laptop computer, she has access to more learning than could ever be found at the Village. She loves books and spends hours outside with her reading tablet. Like at the Collective, she’s old enough to do mostly independent learning.