The Color of Heaven - 09 - The Color of Time

by Julianne MacLean

“Maybe so.” We stared at each other fixedly for a few seconds until I shook myself out of my reverie and cleared my throat. “On that note, I think I know one of the dentists who works here. Chris Jenson? We were friends back then. I don’t suppose he’s working today? If he is, I’d love to say hello.”

  Cassie regarded me with interest. “Yes, he’s here, but he’s with a patient right now. What’s your name?”

  She glanced quickly toward the resume, but it was sealed so I jumped in.

  “It’s Sylvie Nichols,” I told her. “You could mention to him that I was Ethan Foster’s girlfriend, in case he doesn’t remember.”

  The color drained from her face. “Oh… I see.”

  It seemed that no one had forgotten what happened to Ethan and his father all those years ago. People certainly had good memories.

  Cassie stood up from her chair. “If you’d like to take a seat, I’ll go and see when he’ll be free.”

  With a heated rush of butterflies in my belly, I turned around and found a place to sit in the waiting room that was full of patients.

  * * *

  A moment later, Cassie returned to the reception desk. She leaned over the counter and waved me over. “Sylvie?”

  I stood quickly and approached.

  “Dr. Jenson is just finishing up with a patient,” she said in lowered voice, “but if you don’t mind waiting about ten minutes, he said he’ll be right out.”

  I nodded with enthusiasm. “Sure, I can wait. Thank you.”

  “No problem,” she said with a wink and a smile as I sat down again.

  * * *

  I pretended to flip through a magazine while I sat in a leather chair in the far corner of the waiting room. In reality, I was completely disinterested in anything I was reading. All I could think about was what I would say to Chris and how I would behave.

  I couldn’t act as if we knew each other intimately, because we didn’t. I had to behave as if we were old acquaintances who hadn’t seen each other in fifteen years.

  It all felt very intense and stalker-like—and good Lord, I didn’t want to be either of those things, but I could see no way around it. I had to meet Chris Jenson again and lay all my questions to rest, one way or another. At least then I would know the lay of the land and could move forward from there—whatever the terrain might be.

  Maybe he’d emerge looking nothing like the man in my dreams, and then I would know that’s all they were—dreams.

  Either way, he was probably married. In that case, I would say hello, politely ask after his family, maybe get a job out of it, and that would be that.

  Ten minutes passed and the waiting continued. Eventually, a full twenty minutes went by and I began to wonder if I should just get up and suggest that Dr. Jenson give me a call when he had more time, because clearly they were running behind. I was about to do exactly that when I heard voices in the back hall. I looked up from my magazine just as a young man emerged to pay his fee at the desk.

  My heart began to race out of control at the idea of seeing Chris in the next few seconds. I forced myself to stay focused on the pictures in the magazine and try to look surprised and relaxed if he appeared in front of my chair.

  Then at last, he came out of the back hall to the reception desk. Wearing a white lab coat, a blue T-shirt, jeans and sneakers, he scanned all the faces in the waiting room, searching over all of us…

  I felt like a deer in the headlights—completely dumbstruck by how handsome he looked with his tousled brown hair and strong facial features. Slim and muscular, he was just as I remembered in the dream, but even more jaw-droppingly virile, because it was obvious he hadn’t shaved that morning.

  Finally our eyes met, and he gave me a dazzling smile.

  Chapter Fifty-three

  “Sylvie.” Chris waved at me to follow him. “Come on back.”

  I tossed the magazine onto the coffee table and immediately stood, slung my purse over my shoulder, and felt the other patients watch me with envy for being called in ahead of them.

  He led me into a small staff room with a kitchenette, microwave and table, and moved fully into it before turning around.

  “My God,” he said, holding his hands out. “Look at you. I feel like I should hug you.”

  Feeling completely dumbstruck, I laughed clumsily and stepped forward into his arms. It was a quick hug, friendly and casual.

  “How many years has it been?” he asked as we stepped away from each other.

  “Too many,” I replied.

  “The funeral…”

  I nodded and looked down at my feet.

  “Rough times,” Chris said. We were quiet for a brief moment until we both looked up. “But you look great,” he said. “What have you been up to? Cassie said you dropped off a resume.”

  “I did,” I replied while I struggled to calm my racing heart and behave like a normal human being. “I got my diploma in dental hygiene in Montana just last year. I worked a maternity leave in Billings for a little while, but that ended. Then I had to come out here to take care of my grandmother. She fell and broke her hip a few days ago, so somebody needs to be here for her.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” He rested his hands on his hips. “Is she going to be okay?”

  I waved my hand dismissively through the air. “Oh, yeah. She’s a real trooper. Nothing can keep that woman down. She’s eighty-six and still goes to Zumba classes and cleans her own rain gutters. It’ll take her a while to get back on her feet, though.”

  He looked impressed. “So is this just a temporary thing?” he asked with a tilt of his head. “Or are you planning to move out here permanently?”

  Honestly, this was the first time I’d ever considered that as an option. It wasn’t a bad one, actually.

  “It depends if I find a job or not,” I replied. “If I do, then it could be a permanent thing. I’m certainly open to it.”

  Chris nodded, but didn’t say anything. After a few seconds, he shook his head as if to clear it and dropped his gaze to the floor.

  “I’m sorry. I can’t stop staring at you.” He bowed his head for a long moment, then at last his eyes lifted. “Seeing you really takes me back. It feels like yesterday, doesn’t it?”

  “More than you know,” I replied, the corner of my mouth lifting in a small grin.

  I should have said something more I suppose…helped the conversation bounce along in a socially acceptable manner. I should have asked him what brought him back to Portland or how long he’d been living there, or if he had kids, how his family was. Instead, I found myself locked and held in the incredible spellbinding depths of his eyes.

  We stared at each other without speaking for a long moment. In any other circumstance, with any other person, it might have been awkward. But with Chris, I felt as if there were some sort of implicit understanding—that we were both consciously aware that something was present between us. A knowledge of each other. An age-old fondness.

  Then propriety set in.

  “Your timing is impressive,” Chris said. “As it happens, we’re looking for a new hygienist. Not me, specifically, but one of my partners. Her name is Sandra Aldridge and her regular assistant gave her two weeks’ notice just yesterday. No joke.”

  “You’re kidding me.” I wanted to chuckle, because I’d never been a very lucky person in the past—quite the opposite, in fact—so this was a first.

  “If she’s looking to hire,” I said, “I’d be available to start right away. I just need to make sure my grandmother is okay at home. They’re supposed to discharge her in a few days and she’ll need some help for a little while.”

  Chris nodded. “I’ll certainly put in a good word for you. At the moment, there aren’t many resumes on file, so I think you have a really good chance. I know that Sandra would be thrilled if she didn’t have to advertise the position.”

  I spread my arms wide. “I’m totally available.”

  Again, we regarded each other meaningfully for a few seconds u
ntil he gestured toward the door. “I’m really sorry, Sylvie, but I have to get back to work. Something urgent came in this morning, so we’re all behind today.”

  “No problem. I understand. I won’t keep you.” I turned to the door, but he stopped me.

  “But wait a second…”

  There was something in his voice that made my heart beat faster. I paused and faced him.

  “Listen,” he said, “we should get together and catch up. Would you like to grab lunch sometime?”

  “I’d love that,” I replied.

  “Great.” There was a warmth in his eyes that relaxed and thrilled me at the same time.

  “What about tomorrow?” he asked.

  “That’s sounds good. I’ll be at the hospital in the morning,” I explained, “but I could meet you somewhere.”

  “How about The Old Stone Keep?” he suggested. “They have great food. I go there all the time.”

  “I know the place,” I said with a smile as I let him escort me into the hallway.

  He walked slowly, as if he weren’t quite ready to reach the waiting room yet.

  “You’re not married?” he quietly asked. “I notice you’re not wearing a ring.”

  “No,” I replied, ambling along the hallway. “I’ve had a few relationships, but nothing ever worked out in the end. I guess it took me too long to get over what happened to Ethan.”

  “I can understand that.”

  “What about you?” I casually asked, glancing down at his ring finger as well. “Married? Kids?”

  “Not yet. My cousin Jared—I’m not sure if you ever met him back in the old days… He has a whole brood, so I get to be an uncle at least. I spend a lot of time over there.”

  A shiver moved through me and I was desperate to know if Jared lived in the same house I’d dreamed about.

  “It’s nice to have family close by,” I replied, wishing we weren’t approaching the reception area just yet. “How are your parents? Are they still in Seattle?”

  “Yes, but they visit here every summer. I just bought back our old cabin by the river. Do you remember that?”

  “Of course.”

  “My parents sold it when we moved,” he replied, “and they always regretted that. Now it’s ours again.”

  “That’s wonderful. I’d love to see it sometime.”

  We reached the reception area and I stopped and faced him.

  “It’s exactly the same,” Chris said.

  Suddenly I felt as if everyone was staring at us.

  “Well, it was good seeing you.” Not wanting to put on a show for everyone, I moved toward the front door. “Tomorrow at 12:00?”

  “I’ll be there,” he said. “Looking forward to it.”

  “Me, too.”

  Chris waved his next patient in, and I passed by the desk where Cassie was just finishing a call. She hung up the phone and beckoned me over.

  “Don’t go yet,” she said, rising to her feet. “I spoke to Dr. Aldridge just now and she’d love for you to come in for an interview. Are you available tomorrow afternoon?”

  “Yes,” I replied, feeling shaken by all these quick developments. “I’m meeting Chris for lunch but I could come in right after that.”

  “Perfect,” Cassie replied. “She just had a cancellation for 2:00. Can you be here then?”

  “Of course. Thank you so much, Cassie. I really appreciate it.”

  “No, thank you,” she replied. “If things work out, you’ll be saving me a ton of work trying to find someone.” She leaned forward over the desk. “And I think you’ll love it here. It’s a great place to work and we’re all really close.”

  We shared a knowing smile and I knew, without a doubt, that she and I were going to be good friends. “I’m sensing that already.”

  As I stepped outside, I looked up at the clean white clouds against the blue sky and felt a deep stirring of joy. I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, but I felt good about it and I was eager to see it all unfold.

  More than anything, I was positively jubilant to be having lunch with Chris the next day. There was so very much to catch up on.

  Epilogue

  Summer, 2016

  All my life, I’ve had trouble letting go of the past. It’s been a constant battle to try and do so. It’s taken me a long time to understand this particular inclination of mine and to learn from it.

  I used to have so many questions—and perhaps the root of my problem was that I never set out to find solutions, or seek whatever new questions might be waiting for me over the horizon. Perhaps it was a fear of the unknown, for I merely remained in my place—feeling safer there, I suppose, because the pain was familiar. All I ever did was dwell upon the past and focus on my regrets and what could have been.

  But somehow, this wild, magical life hurled me into a new place where I finally discovered what I was meant for. I finally learned how to look to the future with optimism and confidence.

  This past February, after a six month courtship, I married the great love of my life. Chris and I spoke our wedding vows in his family parish in Cape Elizabeth, and I am pleased to report that I am expecting our first child next spring.

  We work together in his dentistry practice, though I work most closely with one of his partners—a lovely woman named Sandra who has young children of her own. She is far more than just a boss to me. She is a true friend.

  I am closest, of course, to Cassie, the receptionist and office manager. Our connection was immediate and she has mentioned more than once that she thinks we must have been sisters or best friends in a previous life. Soulmates, for sure.

  I am touched by that, because I, too, am certain it’s true.

  When I look back on my experiments with lucid dreaming, I still wonder what really happened to me. Was it just a series of vivid dreams with elements of premonition? Or did I actually leave my body through astral projection in those dreams, visit Captain Fraser’s magical sundial, and travel back through time to actually change the past?

  I do know one thing for sure: Something incredible happened to me, because when it was over and I woke up in my grandmother’s home in Portland—back where I started—I knew things I shouldn’t have known, like the fine details of the crystal collection at the Fraser House Inn, or the fact that Chris had a cousin named Jared who lived on the water. When I met Jared for the first time, I recognized him from my dreams, as well as his house and his dog, Buffy.

  I also asked Gram if she’d been checked for polyps lately. I took her to see her doctor, and sure enough, we discovered she needed to have some removed.

  But the most extraordinary thing that convinced me there was some form of mysticism at work was the hurricane, which hit Cape Elizabeth on September 8, not long after I was reunited with Chris and Cassie. I knew, even before the meteorologists announced it, that it would make landfall at midnight, it would be a Category II storm, and the tree in Gram’s backyard would fall on her shed. That’s exactly what happened.

  The sailboat, however, did not end up on the lawn of the Fraser House Inn. I have no explanation for that. Whenever I try to think about why some things are the same and others are different, my thoughts get all tangled up.

  Most importantly, all that really matters is that Chris turned out to be the same wonderful man he was in my dreams, and our attraction to each other was equally intense. The one huge difference was his circumstances in the past.

  In this life, he had never been married, nor did he ever have a child.

  When I confided in him about my strange lucid dream experiences and asked if he’d ever dated a girl named Katelyn, he confirmed that he did take part in a TV interview while in dentistry school. It was a long time ago and he had trouble recalling the details, but he was quite certain he considered asking the reporter out for dinner. Something held him back, however. He couldn’t explain why, except that it didn’t feel right.

  “Maybe I knew I was supposed to wait for you,” he said as he pulled me into his
arms and kissed me tenderly one evening as we lay in the boat, under the stars.

  Today I still wonder if I truly did travel back through time on two separate occasions, change what happened in the past, and live different lives, in alternate dimensions. I’m not sure I’ll ever know the answer, because I will never return to visit or touch the sundial again. I wouldn’t dare risk another trip into the past where I might change something, because I love my life, exactly as it is today.

  I wouldn’t even go back to try and fall in love with Chris instead of Ethan that first summer, because I believe in my heart that Chris and I were not meant to be together until now, because I still had lessons to learn.

  On that note, one thing I’ve learned is that nothing is ever set in stone. When things seem terrible or tragic, the future can change on a dime. Sometimes, the worst things that happen to us teach us to be stronger, and they prepare us to hunker down and weather the next crashing wave. And it’s amazing how luck can change when the wave recedes and you open your heart to the possibility of good things.

  I once loved a boy named Ethan and I believed I could never live without him. I also terminated a pregnancy when I was very young. Those things left me wounded and wishing for a different life.

  In my dreams I changed the past by saving Ethan from his father’s wrath that fateful night in the Foster mansion. There are still days when I wonder what might have been if I’d gone back a year earlier and kept the baby. It’s hard to say how our lives might have turned out under that scenario, but to dwell on that question is to continue obsessing about the past, when I want to live—truly live—in the present.

  I have forgiven myself and others for what happened all those years ago. But I have not forgotten any of it, nor do I ever wish to. I am the woman I am today because of what I have been through. I am grateful for all of it—every single minute, good or bad—and I will never again lose sight of what miracles might be possible in the future.

  Regret—I am all done with you. All my energy is exactly where it should be—focused on my family and friends and the beauty of each new day. I will always be grateful for the bounty in my life, and as time marches on, I will move forward with courage and exhilaration.