Single White Psychopath Seeks Same

by Jeff Strand

  Then the prisoner stopped moving. I assumed he was faking, but I couldn’t be sure. I got up off him, then went over and picked up the sword.

  “Yeah! Cut his head off!” Daniel shouted.

  I lifted the sword above my head, screamed in rage, and then slammed the blade down into the sand next to him.

  I stood there, panting.

  “You, uh, missed,” Daniel pointed out.

  I looked down at the prisoner and kicked him in the side. “Forget it. He’s no fun to kill like this.”

  Stan began to boo and fling popcorn again. “Whatta rip-off! G’wan, kill him!” Mortimer and Josie began to join in.

  “No,” I said, clutching my injured shoulder. “I’m not killing some unconscious guy. That’s no challenge. You guys are here for fun, right? Well, let’s chop him up when it’s fun!”

  “Booooooooo!!!”

  “Quiet!” snapped Daniel. “If he wants to save him for later, that’s his choice.” He gestured dramatically. “Thou hast proven thyself worthy! Thou art Initiated! Welcome!”

  He began to applaud. The others joined in, half-heartedly.

  “Thank you, thank you,” I said. The gate opened and Foster entered, holding a metal prod. “Long have I dreamed of joining such a fine-”

  “No speeches,” said Daniel, removing his robe. “I realize it’s only about four, but it’s bedtime. We all need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be one busy, exciting day.”

  Foster jabbed the stick against the prisoner. His body jerked as if electrified. Foster jabbed him again. I didn’t think the prisoner was feigning unconsciousness this time.

  I reached for the sword. “Leave it,” said Foster. “I’ll take care of it.”

  “I can help out,” I said.

  Foster took out his revolver. “Get the hell away from it. You’re lucky I don’t blow off your kneecaps anyway.”

  The gate behind me opened. “Whoa, Foster! Put the piece away! Show some respect to our newest initiate!”

  “Yeah, whatever,” said Foster, pocketing the gun.

  Daniel patted me on the injured shoulder, none too gently. “Don’t worry, it may hurt but it’s not deep. I’ll send Foster to your room with a first-aid kit.”

  As we left the arena, we stepped into a hallway that split off into three directions. “Take off your shirt,” said Daniel. “Don’t wanna drip blood all over the place.”

  I took off the shirt, almost shrieking in pain. I pressed the cloth to my cut, and Daniel motioned for me to head down the hallway to the left. “Congratulations on your victory,” he said.

  “Thanks.”

  “Mind if I speak freely?”

  “Not at all,” I told him.

  “I didn’t want to make you look bad in front of everyone, but you really should have killed him. I know you may not think it’s sporting to waste an unconscious victim, but I think you cost yourself some respect from everyone else. And I think you cost me some, too, for bringing you here.”

  “Sorry. That’s just not the way I work.”

  We stopped at a door. Daniel swiped his card. The door opened and we stepped outside into the cold, behind the mansion. The next door was only a few feet away, and after Daniel opened it we were back in the red-carpeted hallway.

  “I can understand that,” Daniel admitted. “And your act was entertaining and all, but you’ve got to realize that these people don’t know you. That karate stuff was kinda funny, a little, but there has to be a payoff. Beating the guy up doesn’t cut it. You should’ve chopped his head off. You’d be a hero. Now they all think you’re some fake.”

  My stomach did a flip-flop, but I tried not to let my anxiety show. I stopped walking. “I don’t much appreciate being told who I have to kill.”

  “Oh, don’t give me that, Andrew! These are games! That’s why I invited you here! I kept the details secret, but you knew what was involved! We’re supposed to be having fun! If you’re going to let some ridiculous moral code get in the way of everything, you might as well go home. I’ll have Foster fly you home tonight. How about that?”

  The way he looked at me, I knew flying home was not an option, even if I’d been willing to leave Roger and the others behind. I put my hand to my shoulder. “I’m sorry. I really am. I’m not thinking right. I’m tired and my shoulder hurts like hell. I just thought it would’ve been more fun to kill him when he was awake to see what was happening, like you said at dinner tonight, but you’re right. I should’ve killed him.”

  “Yes, you should have.”

  “I could run back there and finish him off, if you want.”

  Daniel appeared to relax. “Nah. We’ll get him later. This was nothing, anyway, just a prelude. You’ll have plenty of time to redeem yourself tomorrow.”

  Chapter 11

  I SAT ON the edge of the bed (having moved those phony severed heads to the closet, facing the wall) trying to look at something besides the corpse pictures. God, I missed Helen. And Theresa and Kyle. If I managed to get out of this, I was never going to leave my house again, so I couldn’t get into trouble. Well, that wasn’t true-I got into all kinds of trouble without leaving the house, or even my bed, but at least not potentially fatal trouble.

  Guilt or no guilt, I needed to soak in the Jacuzzi. No matter how dangerous it was, I was going to have to make my move tomorrow, so I had to be in the best shape possible. I turned on the hot water as there was a knock at the door.

  I almost told Foster to get lost, but I did need the bandages. Of course, if he decided to make good on his kneecap threat…

  The door opened. It was Josie, holding a first-aid kit. “Hiya,” she said. “I come bearing gifts.”

  “Hey, it’s just what I’ve always wanted,” I said, crossing the room.

  “Foster said that for all he cared you could bleed to death, so I volunteered.”

  “You’re very generous.” I reached for the first aid kit, but she held it behind her back.

  “Don’t you want me to patch you up?”

  “Nah, I’ve got it covered.”

  “Oh, don’t be silly. I know what sissies you men are. I’ll do it.” She closed the door behind her. “Nice wallpaper, huh?”

  “Yeah. I’ll have to buy some for the kids’ romper room at home.”

  “Danny just likes to mess with his friends. You’ll get used to it. Not for a few years, but you’ll get used to it. Oooh, the Jacuzzi sounds like a good idea. Mind if I join you after we finish?”

  “Danny might not approve.”

  She opened the first-aid kit. “Danny might not find out.”

  “And then Danny might not remove my heart with a can opener. I think I’ll pass.”

  “Your loss. I’m scrumptious in the nude.”

  Now this was disconcerting. I wasn’t sure if she was serious, kidding around, or if Daniel was waiting right outside the door to find out what I’d do.

  “I’m sure you are,” I said.

  “C’mon, you’re getting even with Roger, don’t you want to get even with your wife, too?”

  “I don’t consider being slaughtered by your husband getting even.”

  “What if I told you Danny was okay with it?”

  “I probably wouldn’t believe you.”

  “You’re not very trusting.”

  “If you provided me with a signed, notarized statement that he was okay with it, then I’d be perfectly happy to have you be nice and naked in my hot tub. As it is, the fact that I get locked in here when nobody’s around indicates that we haven’t crossed all the trust barriers yet.”

  “All righty, then.” She patted the bed next to her. “Let’s get that shoulder bandaged up.”

  “Really, you can just leave the kit.”

  “Andy, sweetie, you don’t have to worry. I may bite, but I’m not venomous. The big, strong serial killer isn’t afraid of a waif like me, is he?”

  She wasn’t exactly a waif, but pointing that out seemed like a really good way to get hurt. I sat down o
n the bed next to her, and she removed a bottle of rubbing alcohol and some cotton swabs from the kit.

  And then I realized that while I was standing there being extremely uncomfortable with her in the room, I was overlooking a perfect opportunity to strike. Daniel might be a horrible, vicious murderer…but he also might be willing to release the prisoners to save his wife. It was a risk, sure, but there clearly wasn’t going to be an easy solution to my problems.

  Josie pressed the alcohol-soaked cotton swab against my cut. I forced myself not to wince. Instead, I put my hand gently on her leg.

  She continued cleaning the cut, but there was a definite hint of a smile.

  I slid my hand upward just a bit as she set aside the cotton and alcohol and took out a bandage. I peeked into the kit. No scissors. No sharp objects. The rubbing alcohol wasn’t even in a glass bottle.

  I’d just have to do this without a weapon.

  Now that the excess blood had been wiped away, my cut didn’t look all that bad. It was barely even bleeding anymore. I wondered if Josie thought I was a complete wimp.

  She tore open the bandage wrapper.

  I slid my hand down her leg, and then up again, beginning to knead the flesh.

  She gently put the bandage on my shoulder.

  I pounced.

  I slammed my hand over her mouth and wrestled her down onto the bed. I grabbed the first aid kit to bash against her head, but she got a handful of my hair and tugged hard.

  Damn! Why hadn’t I thought to turn on the whirlpool first, to cover the noise?

  She bit down on my hand, but I pulled it away before she could draw blood. “ Danny!” she screamed.

  I got ready to slam my fist into her face, but the door burst open. Daniel and Foster entered; Foster with his gun.

  I raised my hands in the air. “Don’t shoot!”

  Foster pointed the gun at my face, ready to do just that.

  “No!” said Daniel. “Josie, come here.”

  Josie got off the bed and rushed over to Daniel, throwing her arms around him. Foster looked like he wanted to shoot me so badly that he could barely keep from wetting himself, but he didn’t pull the trigger.

  “What’s the story, Mayhem?” Daniel asked.

  “We weren’t doing anything,” I insisted.

  “Oh, really? And what were you doing?”

  “Look, I’m sorry, okay?” I said, getting to my feet. “She came in here saying all this stuff.”

  “What stuff?”

  “That she looked good naked, and did I want her to join me in the hot tub? She said you didn’t mind!”

  “And you believed her?”

  “No! Well, yeah. I mean, c’mon, Daniel. You built a freakin’ gladiator stadium in your backyard so you could watch people kill each other. I figure somebody that depraved isn’t going to get all bent out of shape over a little wife-swapping.”

  “I’m missing where the ‘swapping’ portion comes into play.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “I’m not sure I do.”

  “Come on, Daniel!” said Foster. “Why are we listening to him? Let me blow his face off.”

  “In a second.”

  At that moment, water began to spill over the top of the Jacuzzi. “Aw, for crying out loud,” muttered Daniel, walking over to turn off the faucet. “Now look what you’ve done.”

  “Can I shoot him for that, at least?” asked Foster.

  “No, you may not. Give me the gun. You’re getting all worked up; you’re gonna hurt somebody.” Daniel walked back to the doorway and grabbed the gun out of Foster’s hand. I lowered my arms.

  “But he tried to kill Josie!”

  “He didn’t try to kill Josie, you jackass! He tried to get off! Get out of here for a minute, all right?”

  Foster punched the wall, then stepped out into the hallway. Daniel closed the door, and pointed the gun at me.

  “All right, look. I knew she was gonna come on to you, and I’m cool with it. Share the wealth, know what I mean? Maybe I don’t provide her with a signed, notarized statement, like you said, but I’m happy to let her do her own thing. My only question for you is, why was my wife screaming my name?”

  “Isn’t that what you’d want?” I asked, trying to smile.

  “This is not the time for jokes,” said Daniel, keeping the gun pointed at me. “This is the time to think very carefully about one’s own mortality, especially when one could very well end up with the other prisoners.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “Really, I am. I thought she liked it a bit rough.”

  “Mmm-hmm. And did you ask her?”

  “It’s not something I’m used to asking.”

  “Well maybe you should consider it in the future. If you have one.”

  I leaned forward and cracked my knuckles. “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure.”

  “You invited a man who has killed fourteen people into your home. You did it for the express purpose of letting him help kill even more people. And now you’re telling me you were expecting a well-behaved houseguest? Are you some kind of idiot?”

  “Watch yourself,” said Daniel.

  “No, you watch yourself. You invite me here into this hedonistic sociopath paradise where we can do whatever we want, so hell yeah I’m gonna dive at your wife when she tries to seduce me. Now, I apologize for getting rough. I didn’t hit her or anything; I just put my hand over her mouth. I won’t do it again. But come on, Daniel, I turned my former best friend over to you for who-knows-what kind of torture…did you think you were inviting Mr. Rogers?”

  Daniel pulled the trigger.

  I flinched at the sound of the gunshot. I turned and saw that a bit of smoke billowed from a bullet hole about six inches from my head, in a color photograph of a skinned body.

  “You’ve got a point,” he said.

  Josie started to protest, but he waved her silent. “I guess we need to go over some house rules. Do whatever you want to the prisoners. Respect the guests. Understand?”

  “I understand.”

  “I’m sorry to say that you’ve cost yourself an incredible couple of hours. Believe me, I know what you’re missing. But tomorrow we’ll start fresh. How does that sound?”

  “That sounds fine,” I said. “Josie, I’m sorry. I got carried away. You should be a little less irresistible.”

  “Jerk,” she muttered, opening the door and leaving.

  “You’re not making friends here,” Daniel informed me. “I suggest you soak for a long time, then take a cold shower, get a lot of sleep, and hope things go better.”

  “They will,” I promised.

  “I’m counting on that. Sleep tight.” He left. I heard the door lock, and then promptly rushed into the bathroom and vomited.

  After I’d recovered, I reached into the hot tub and turned the knob to drain some of the water. The bathroom had plenty of towels, so I used those to soak up the spilled water.

  Now they were going to be watching me even more closely than before. I’d screwed up my chance. Possibly my only chance. And I hadn’t even gotten any use out of the fingernail clippers. Things had seemed pretty much hopeless before, but now…

  I looked over at the bed.

  No. No way.

  I hurried over to it.

  Yes!

  A yellow card key. Josie must have lost it during our struggle, along with a stick of chewing gum.

  Would she notice? If she stuck with Daniel, she might not need to use it. It had been a few minutes already. She could be in their bedroom. Or she could be on her way back.

  Should I sneak out now, just in case, or wait for a better opportunity during the night, when everyone was asleep?

  If they heard me leave, and there was an extremely strong likelihood of that happening if I went now, I’d be screwed. If she came back for the key, I’d be no worse off than I was before discovering it (which was pretty darn bad, admittedly, but I was trying to think positively). But if she didn
’t come back, I might be able to find the prisoners. Find Roger.

  I decided to wait.

  I SPENT almost an hour in the Jacuzzi, doing my best to relax. Nobody had returned for the key.

  I got out and got dressed in the old clothes. Looking at my watch, I saw that it was about five o’clock Alaska time. If they got a full night’s sleep, the mansion residents would probably be waking up to start their new day just after midnight. Appropriate.

  An hour didn’t seem long enough to wait, but I was scared to doze off for fear that I wouldn’t wake up until they came to get me. An alarm clock would’ve been nice. Instead, I quietly paced around the room, breathing deeply, trying to get myself in a jolly state of mind.

  The next hour passed very slowly, and I spent most of it checking my watch to see how quickly the hour was passing. Finally, I decided it was time to go. If the card worked.

  I held the card up to the reader. There was a beep, followed by a click. I pulled the door open, carefully peered down both ends of the hallway, and stepped outside my room.

  Chapter 12

  I HAD A cover story ready-Josie had dropped her card during our scuffle, and I got bored and decided to take a stroll-but if they caught me I probably wouldn’t have a chance to use it. The usual variety of Andrew Mayhem screw-ups was no longer permissible. Bumbling incompetence would be fatal.

  I shut the door behind me. I didn’t know exactly where the prisoners were being held, but it was certainly in the metal structure and not the main house. The mansion was practically a maze, but I could probably find my way back the way we’d come earlier.

  And, hopefully, locate a telephone along the way.

  In fact, looking for a phone was probably the best place to start. My room hadn’t been equipped with one, but the other bedrooms might. Probably any room that wasn’t specifically intended to store homicidal maniacs who hadn’t completely earned Daniel’s trust would have a way to contact the outside world, right?

  If I accidentally opened a door where one of the others was staying, I was dead, but that wasn’t likely to happen. Not with this many rooms. Though that didn’t mean somebody in a nearby room wouldn’t hear me.