by Maisey Yates
He couldn’t wait to do it again. Couldn’t wait to have her tonight. His hunger for her bordered on obsession, and he was okay with that.
They worked until it started to get dark outside, and then the crowd inside thinned as people filtered out to the street to see the Christmas tree lighting.
Sabrina clasped her hands in front of herself and stayed where she was behind the counter, looking around.
“Come on,” he said, sticking his hand out. “Let’s go. We are going to go watch the Christmas tree lighting.”
“Oh,” she said. “I think we should probably stay here.”
“No way,” Lindy said, coming in from the back. “You go enjoy the festivities. Christmas still kind of bums me out anyway.”
“But you were the one who said you wanted to have cheer and triumph, and Christmas-related revenge,” Sabrina pointed out.
“And I do,” Lindy said, flinging her hands wide. “I have. But, said revenge is centered on this space, and I’m fine staying in it for the time being. You go on and watch the tree lighting, and then come back so that I’m not slammed on my own.”
“Okay,” Sabrina said, taking Liam’s hand without hesitation.
She looked up at him, and she had that strange, sad look on her face again. The one that he had caught sight of earlier. He didn’t quite know what to think about it. Didn’t quite know what it meant. But there wasn’t a whole hell of a lot he could do about it either.
Not without digging into it. The problem was, he wasn’t sure that he would like the answers.
So, he left it. Left it and led her out onto the street, down a couple of blocks to where the Christmas tree was.
Mayor Lydia West was making a speech about Copper Ridge, about its history and the unity in the tiny seaside town. Even with all of the antisocial weirdos. Well, she didn’t say antisocial weirdos, but, he thought it. It was true enough.
Still, she was right. The sense of community here was real. Not because people were overly friendly, saccharine cardboard cutouts like you often saw in movies, but because this was the kind of place where people had to live together. To work together. You couldn’t cut someone off without a hell of a lot of consideration, because you were bound to run into them again.
Bound to need to work with people who were related to them, or friends with them. Everything was wound up together here. A rural tangle that was tough to navigate if you weren’t very careful with the various relationships all around you.
It was what he had been realizing earlier, standing there on the street, with no anonymity at all. You couldn’t get lost in a crowd here. But you can sure as hell get found in one. That was tricky, it was exposing. And in some ways, it was comforting.
At least, he imagined it would be for some people.
He wasn’t sure what it was to him.
He didn’t know much of anything at the moment except that it felt good to hold Sabrina’s hand. And when she moved in front of him and leaned up against him, the soft, sweet press of her body against his—and not just of her ass up against his cock—was like balm for a wound he hadn’t realized he’d had.
“Okay,” Lydia said, brightly, “I’m now going to turn over the lighting of the tree to Sheriff Eli Garrett.”
The sheriff stepped up in front of the people and gave them a slightly abashed wave. Then bent down, plugging the lights in rather unceremoniously.
The tree lit up. Thousands of twinkling white lights blazed to light against the dark backdrop of the tree. Gold ribbons seemed to catch fire in the glow, and multifaceted glass stars sparkled like the real thing.
The choir began to sing “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing,” and that tightness in his chest only grew.
Then, over the top of the music Liam heard a distressed sound. He looked over and saw Olivia Logan with tears on her face moving away from Bennett. She turned and started to stomp down the street, and Bennett said something to his friend, then went after Olivia, who seemed hell-bent on ignoring him.
Sabrina looked the same direction he did, a crease marring her forehead.
“Oh dear,” she said.
“Any idea what that’s about?” he asked.
Sabrina sighed heavily. “It’s a long time coming, is what it is. They don’t... They don’t want the same things. I’m pretty convinced of that. But poor Olivia isn’t.”
“I see.”
“She was really hoping he would propose before Christmas. And he actually told her he wasn’t, but with his friend showing up and crashing what was probably supposed to be a date, and Olivia still smarting from the lack of impending proposal, I’m not that surprised that she’s feeling done.”
“Yeah.”
It was a good thing that he and Sabrina wanted the same things. Namely, they didn’t want marriage, or anything like that. They just wanted what they had. Another good reason to keep it going, really, since another reason that they should stick out this thing that was happening between them.
They weren’t going to end up like that. Making a scene on the streets.
“We’ll be all right finishing up tonight without Olivia,” Sabrina said. “I just hope she’s okay.”
“Yeah,” he said again, absently.
They finished watching the festivities, and then the crowd began to disperse slightly, people heading back into shops, and getting in line to see Father Christmas.
He and Sabrina went back into the tasting room and served up more mulled wine and cheese, and completely sold out of the gift baskets. They worked until the crowd started to thin and the moon rose high in the sky.
It was clear out, which was unusual. And without the blanket of fog to hold any of the heat in, the air was a particular kind of sharp, crystal cold that cut straight through to the bone. It was the cold that finally dispersed most of the crowd, leaving just a few stragglers talking and laughing out on the streets, and a couple of people left looking at different wine labels in the shop.
Lindy was leaning against the counter, her normally pristine blond hair sticking upward from its bun like antennae, dark circles spreading beneath her eyes.
“You look dead on your feet, Lindy,” Sabrina said, giving her sister-in-law’s arm a squeeze. “You should go home.”
Lindy looked around the now nearly empty shop. “It was wonderful, though, wasn’t it?” she asked.
“It was really wonderful,” Sabrina confirmed. “And we’ve got this from here.”
Lindy looked skeptical. “I feel like I should stay.”
“Who’s opening up at Grassroots tomorrow?” Sabrina asked.
“Well. Me.”
“Exactly. You have enough responsibility. And the whole point of hiring me is that you don’t have to do everything. So go.”
Lindy let out a slow breath, then straightened. “Thank you. I really do appreciate it.”
Lindy gathered up all of her things and said goodbye, and then turned the open sign on her way out. Sabrina rang up the last few customers, and waved goodbye to them. Then she flicked the lights off. Leaving only the Christmas tree on.
They had been alone in the shop countless times, but it seemed different this time. Quieter. The emptiness more pronounced.
“That was fun,” Sabrina said, twisting her hands, looking increasingly agitated. He hadn’t seen her look like this for a few weeks. Not since they had first seen each other again after all that time apart. Not since they had first started trying to work together.
She shifted her weight from foot to foot, her focus on the Christmas tree. And then she finally turned to him.
“We need to talk,” Sabrina said.
“We do?” he asked.
“Yes,” she confirmed. “I went to see my father yesterday.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, even as he realize
d he didn’t have a right to that inquiry.
She shook her head. “It wasn’t important then.”
“But it’s important now.”
“Yes.” She took a big breath. “It’s an important part of my speech.”
“You have a speech?”
“I have a speech,” she said, lifting up her hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. He could see that it was shaking. “Liam, if it weren’t for the last month and a half I never would have gone to talk to my father. I would never have been brave enough. I was hiding. All this time I’ve been hiding. So cautious and afraid. So terrified that I would have to contend with all these feelings inside of me, feelings I’ve always had. And they scared me. They’ve always scared me. I used you, the memory of you, your ghost, to keep myself in my place. To keep myself from doing anything that might hurt me.
“I used my parents’ marriage to give myself excuses for not wanting to be with someone. I decided that my passion, my desires were dangerous. You were right about me, you were right the whole time. I was scared. And you’ve helped me... You help me unlearn that. You help me undo it. So many years of locking myself up, and you’ve helped me fix it. Destroy all those walls that I built up inside of me. I couldn’t have done it without you. I know it for a fact, because I was stagnant without you. And I need to thank you for that.”
“You’re welcome,” he said, even though for some reason that didn’t feel like the right response. Even though he wanted to just haul her up against him and kiss her and shut her the hell up because he could tell already he didn’t like where any of this was going.
“So I just wanted you to know that. Because I know we are at the end now. Just like we agreed. I’m not going to ask you for anything more. I’m not going to ask for anything beyond what we decided on in the beginning. This is perfect. It really is. My journey with you is complete. I think I’ve learned everything that I needed to. About myself, about you.”
She took in a shaking breath and he felt it vibrate through his chest. “I understand,” she said, “why you don’t want a family. I understand why you don’t want love or marriage. What you went through was so awful, not even something I can remotely fathom. I get that you’re... That you’re broken in that way. And I guess...” She swallowed hard. “I even respect it. The damage that all of it did. I’m not going to stand here and tell you to just fix it. To heal it. Not when it’s something I couldn’t even begin to fully understand.”
Liam was stunned. He didn’t know what to say. He wanted to argue with her. Wanted to shout at her. Tell her they were not fucking done. They wouldn’t be done until he damn well said they were. That he still got hard when she got close to him, and his heart beat faster every time he saw her, so how could they be done? But his mouth wouldn’t work, his throat was stuck. It was like being locked inside of a dark closet all over again. Afraid to make noise, because if he did he knew it would only last longer.
All of that anger. All of that desperation, bottled up inside of him because he knew it would only make things worse. Because he had to behave himself if he wanted to be let out.
He was frozen like that. Even his heart refused to beat.
He was stunned. He couldn’t say anything, and he had nothing to offer her. That made him feel...helpless, and he didn’t do helpless. But he couldn’t throw money at her and entice her to stay. Couldn’t offer her a favor.
All he had was himself. And he was broken.
“We did it,” she said, smiling, a thin, unnatural expression. “Thank you.” She stretched up onto her toes and pressed a kiss to his lips.
It was like getting cut open, those soft, perfect lips slicing into him.
She walked back down, flat-footed, and gave him another smile. “I’ll see you around though.”
And then she turned and she started to walk away from him. Started to walk out of the shop.
And he was frozen still, frozen, useless.
That thought kicked something into gear. He mobilized, following her out the door, onto the now mostly empty street. The Christmas lights were still blazing, casting a golden glow onto the street. There were still some remaining carolers, singing glory to the newborn king, the sound wrapping itself around him. Strangling him.
“Wait,” he said. “That’s it?”
She turned to face him, the lights like a halo around her golden hair. “It has to be. Because it can’t go on forever. And in some ways I want it to. But this is the difference between being seventeen and thirty. I understand now. I understand what we can have and what we can’t. And I think... I want it all. Someday. A husband. Children. I can have that now. I know I can. And it’s thanks in no small part to you. But part of all of that is letting it go gracefully. And right now I can. So right now I have to. Merry Christmas, Liam.”
And then she stuffed her hands in her pockets and walked away from him. Like he had done to her all those years ago. She was leaving, just that easily. The only thing that had ever been Christmas to him, leaving him standing there on the bedazzled street with carols ringing in his ears.
And he didn’t do a damn thing.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
SABRINA’S BRAVERY WAS maxed out for now. It had simply given way to misery. A deep, unending misery that had reduced her to a puddle. She had cried all night, and then had barely dragged herself out of bed to sit at her kitchen table and cry some more.
Too bad she had to be at the tasting room in a couple of hours. And at the winery for stock before that.
She was not mentally prepared.
She had thought—on some level—that she would be able to handle the feelings that she was left with because she had lost Liam before. And she had been in love with him then, after all, so it wasn’t anything she hadn’t endured in the past.
But she had been wrong. Oh, holy hell had she been wrong.
She had loved him then, but as a girl. Now, she loved him as a woman. Knowing how long it could take to find someone like him, knowing that it was an impossible task or she would have done it at some point in the past thirteen years. Knowing what it was like to have shared her body with him. Her secrets. To have him share his secrets in return.
Yes, it was so much worse now. And it was nothing like anything she’d experienced before. Nothing could have prepared her.
She had built up that goodbye speech in her head, had convinced herself that she was going to walk away from their relationship stronger. And maybe, eventually, that would be true, but right now, it was all just crap. Right now, it was all just pain. Like being stabbed through the heart.
She had lied to herself. Had convinced herself that because so many things inside of her had changed, that because she had accepted that she would always care for him, even though they weren’t destined to be together, that she would be okay when she pulled the trigger on the inevitable end. But she wasn’t okay. She wasn’t even close to okay.
She was devastated, all the way down to her soul.
But she had done the right thing. At least in the service of her pride. She hadn’t gotten down on her knees and begged him to stay with her even if he could never love her. She hadn’t told him that she was completely head over heels for him. Hadn’t spilled her guts and opened up her chest and bled all of her emotions out onto the street. She should still feel better because of that. But she didn’t. She wasn’t sure she would ever feel better again.
She dragged herself away from her kitchen table and drove to Grassroots with burning eyes, and an onslaught of tears that was threatening to fall.
She wasn’t going to cry. Not in front of everyone. With that resolute thought playing over and over in her head she pulled her car into the parking lot and parked, then put her jacket on and walked into the main dining room, keeping her head down. She didn’t even realize she had forgotten to put her hair up until a stray
lock fell into her face. She paused for a moment, feeling completely stunned.
What had he done to her?
She would never be able to undo it. That made her feel filled with a renewed sense of misery. But also...also awe.
“Good morning,” Lindy said, looking at her with a strange, speculative expression on her face.
“Good morning,” she responded, walking past Lindy and going into her office to dump her purse and her coat. She came back out, flipping her head back and brushing her hair out of her face. “I know we were completely out of the 2012 Cab after last night. Was there anything else? I’m going to get moving down to the tasting room.”
“Do I have two totally drippy women on my staff now?” Lindy asked, folding her arms.
“What?”
“You look like you’ve been crying,” Lindy said.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sabrina said.
“Your eyes are red. Your hair is down, and your hair is never down. What happened?”
“Nothing,” she said. “Nothing that wasn’t planned.”
“And what does that mean?” Lindy asked.
“Nothing. It just means that Liam and I are no longer...together.”
“You broke up?”
Sabrina let out an exasperated breath. “I broke up with him. I mean, it wasn’t even a breakup. We had an agreement that we were going to...see each other until after we were done opening the tasting room. The tasting room is open. And now Liam and I will no longer be...working together. So, there’s no need for the two of us to carry on.”
“Yes there is, you idiot,” Lindy said, exasperated.
Sabrina frowned. “And what is that reason?”
“That you’re in love with him.”
“It’s not enough. It’s not enough. He’s not in love with me. And he’s not going to be. I just have to accept that.”
“Why?” Lindy pressed.
“Because some things you can’t save,” Sabrina said, flinging her hands wide. “You of all people should know that.”
