by Maisey Yates
“Yes,” Lindy said. “You can’t save a relationship when one party is actively sleeping with someone else. I do know that. But that’s not your situation. He loves you.”
“No, he doesn’t. He likes sleeping with me. That’s not the same thing.”
“Heaven help me,” Lindy said. “I’m surrounded by ridiculous women.”
She stepped back to her office, and at the same time Olivia walked in, looking no better than Sabrina.
“Are you all right?” Sabrina asked, in spite of herself.
“No,” Olivia said. “I broke up with Bennett.”
“I thought you might have.”
“I thought it would clarify things. I thought that... That it would make him... But I’m just miserable.”
“Join the club,” Sabrina said. “I broke up with Liam. And I am miserable.”
Olivia looked like she might burst into tears. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry,” Sabrina said. “I’m sure that my talk with you about Bennett didn’t exactly help.”
“Your talk with me about Bennett was part of my decision. But I think you’re right. I think he needs to figure himself out, and I need to let him do that. I think it’s the only way we’re going to move forward. He’s comfortable with me. And...I think this is exactly what we both need. Time apart.”
Sabrina regarded Olivia closely. “Except you don’t want time apart.”
Olivia shook her head miserably. “I don’t like being by myself.”
“I was by myself for a long time before Liam, and I can say pretty confidently that I got used to being with him. And that I don’t like the thought of not being with him. Of being alone. But I’m not sure that I can stand to be the only one in a relationship that’s in love.”
“I don’t think he loves me,” Olivia said. “Or I’m afraid he might not. And I need to see if that’s true.”
Sabrina sucked in a sharp breath. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. If he wants to be with you, then let him be the one to make that choice.”
She meant it. Bennett Dodge had been dragging his feet with Olivia for a couple of years, and if he wanted to be with her, he could sort it out. But that wasn’t what she was doing with Liam. Because she really had meant what she had said to him. If he didn’t want it, she wasn’t going to hang around and demand that he figure out a way to wanted. It wouldn’t be fair. It just...hurt.
“I’m going to try. I really am.”
Lindy came back in, her expression one of slight disgust. “Ladies,” she said. “There is no need to get ridiculous over a couple of men who don’t appreciate what they had. Better that you sort it out now than after ten years of marriage. Trust me.”
Olivia mumbled something that sounded like an agreement. But a half-hearted one at best.
“Look what we have,” Lindy said. “We are fine just like we are. You don’t need Bennett Dodge,” she said to Olivia, then turned to Sabrina. “And you don’t need Liam Donnelly. And I...I don’t need anyone. Except for you two. Well, and Bea. Also, Dane serves a function occasionally. I could also use a masseur. And a maid. But I don’t need a man. And neither do you. So, get it together.”
Sabrina looked at Lindy, at all of her resilience. And she tried, with everything she had, to believe that someday she would reach that same place. Where she was completely satisfied with what she was building here with Grassroots. Where she wouldn’t ache every time she thought about Liam.
But from where she stood right now, it was almost impossible to believe.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
THE CHATTER AROUND the early morning breakfast table was getting on Liam’s nerves. His brothers were so...content. So damned happy. It made no sense to him. It was something his brain couldn’t untangle. He felt every inch a miserable son of a bitch, and they were drinking coffee and talking as if the world was just spinning like it always had. But it couldn’t be. He didn’t see how it could be.
Every night since Sabrina had broken things off between the two of them was a misery. He’d had nearly two weeks of it. And here it was, getting close to Christmas, and it wasn’t getting any better. How could it? She wasn’t here. She wasn’t in his bed. Because...because she knew that he was broken. She understood.
She saw him.
She was going to go off and have babies with some other man.
Fucking hell. He couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t damn well stand it.
“You’re even more unpleasant than normal,” Cain said, elbowing Liam from his position next to him at the table.
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
Liam gritted his teeth. “Nothing.”
“He’s right,” Alex said, who was joining them this morning to help them deal with a new shipment of cattle. “You’re a bigger pill than usual, which is really saying something.”
“Shut your damn mouth,” Liam said.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Finn asked. “No more bullshitting. I’m serious. You’re always off doing your own thing, you never tell us what’s happening. I know there’s something going on with you, we all do. So, get yourself together or tell us what’s happening.”
And it was like a lit fuse that had been burning for months, maybe years, decades, suddenly reached its end.
“You think you know me? You think you know there’s something different about me? Except that’s the problem. None of you know. None of you fucking know. And you know what? You should have. Someone should have. No one ever did anything for me. No one.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Alex asked.
Well, he had started. He couldn’t stop it now. Even if he wanted to. He wasn’t sure if he did. He wasn’t sure what he was doing. What he wanted. Except it was all pouring out of him now. Like poison coming from a lanced wound, and he knew that there was no going back now. There was only going forward.
“I keep to myself because it’s what I did to survive. All of us had a sucky childhood, and I’ve never seen any point in dragging my own personal drama out for everyone. But you really want to know? You really want to know why I keep to myself? Why I don’t smile as much, or react to things the way the rest of you do? Why I went off by myself? And made all of the money that I could? To give myself all the control over my life that I could possibly have? I can tell you a story, then. You want to know the story?”
“I want to know,” Finn said.
Alex was just staring at him, an expression of abject horror on his face.
He hated this. Hated that he was talking about it. Hated that it was all bubbling up to the surface. Because that meant it mattered. And he didn’t want any of it to matter. He wanted to be done with it. He wanted it to be over. From the moment he had handed his mother that check, he had wanted it to be over.
That was his fuck-you. But it hadn’t felt like it. It had just felt like more begging for approval. She hadn’t even said she was sorry. Nothing. She had not given him a damn thing. No one ever had.
“Our home life wasn’t good,” Liam said. “Alex can attest to that. But there was more. There was more that happened. Our mother blamed me for her being trapped in that life. For her not having all of the things she thought she should have. She blamed me for the poverty. She blamed me for being stuck with our father. She blamed me. And she hated me. She didn’t have the focus to give to either of us, really. Sometimes there wouldn’t be food in the house. And Alex...I never wanted you to be hungry.”
“I don’t remember that,” Alex said, his voice rough.
“You were always fed,” Liam responded.
“What the hell?” Alex asked. “Are you saying that I ate when you didn’t? That you starved for me?”
“I was your older brother. I didn’t do anything big or special. I just did what had to be done
, because none of the damned adults in our lives could bother.”
“I never knew that, you stupid prick,” Alex shouted.
“What the hell?” Liam responded, taken aback by his brother’s barely leashed rage.
“How could you not tell me? I thought we were in all of that shit together. And it turns out you were in a whole different field of shit, and you didn’t even tell me.”
“How are you getting mad at me? I’m the one that kept your ass from starving. Our mom locked me in a closet for days on end sometimes, doing her best to keep me out of the way. And you’re mad at me?”
Alex was white now, rage tightening his mouth. “Hell yes, I’m mad at you. Let someone in, Liam. Let someone fucking in. What the hell is your problem?”
“Have you been listening to anything I’ve said? All of it’s my problem. Our mother. Our father, who couldn’t be bothered to ever check in on his sons. Who looked the other way the whole time she did whatever the hell she wanted with me. That’s my problem. Sorry if my trust issues are little bit too pronounced for you given all that I went through.”
“You’re a grown man,” Alex said. “You could have told me any of that at any time, and instead, you just let it sit there. Then you let it get worse.”
“Are you blaming me?”
“Hell no. But how could you not tell me? How could you not let me shoulder it with you? How could you... You let me be so mad at you. I felt like you abandoned me when you left.”
“You were old enough to take care of yourself then,” Liam said. “And I had to get out.”
“Yes. I would have understood that if you’d explained to me some of the things that you went through. But you didn’t.”
“I never asked to be your hero, Alex,” Liam said. “You wanted me to be. But I didn’t see the point in making your memories of our life worse just to make myself look better.”
“I would have... I would never have let that happen to you if I’d known.”
“And then your life would’ve been awful too. And you wouldn’t have been any better off than I am. But you... You’ve moved forward. I’m happy for you. It’s a good thing. It’s a damned good thing. Everything that I did was worth it for that.”
“But maybe if it wouldn’t have been you alone, we could have moved on together.”
Cain and Finn weren’t speaking at all, they were both just sitting there, stone-faced, their coffee mugs in front of them untouched and growing cold.
“Don’t worry about me,” he said to Alex. “It is what it is. I’m not going to have that life. It’s not going to happen.”
“Why? Because you don’t want it? Because you sure as hell could have fooled me. I’ve seen you with her. I know that you love her.”
“She doesn’t want me,” he said simply.
“How do you know?”
“Look. She left me. She left me because she knows that there’s no future with me.”
“And you fought for her? Or did you just stand there, all stoic and unruffled. Because you act like you don’t care about a damn thing.”
“What’s the point? What’s the point in fighting for something that you can’t have? I gave that up. No point pounding against the closet door when you can’t escape. There’s no point begging to be let out when it isn’t gonna happen until you’re quiet.” He shook his head. “I’m not going to beg for someone to love me. I did it enough when I was a kid. I’m done with it.”
He stood up, making his way toward the door. “I’m going to go do our jobs. I’m done sitting around talking about it.”
Alex stood up too, and then he looked over at Finn and Cain, giving them meaningful looks. Then he grabbed hold of Liam’s shirt and dragged him outside, out to the front porch.
It was gray and icy out there, the sun not yet risen over the mountains. It matched his mood. As cold as his damned heart.
“You told me that I was going to have to man up,” Alex said. “You told me to go after Clara when I was going to let her walk away. You told me to be a man, Liam, and I expect no less from you. Get it together. Fight for something. Fight for her. Fight for you. How long has it been since you’ve done that?”
“I did,” he said. “You know I wrote Mom a check. I wrote her a check for a lot of money, and it still wasn’t enough.”
“Yeah. But you didn’t want to give her money. You didn’t want her to have a house. You wanted her to say she was proud of you. To tell you that she was wrong. You should have shown up with nothing more than you. Have you ever offered that to someone?”
“Why the hell would I?”
“Nothing else is ever going to fix it. Until you find the person that looks at you and sees that you’re enough, nothing is gonna fix it. But first, you have to trust that you are.”
“What is this? Therapy?”
“Maybe. If it has to be. You lead with things. It’s all about what you can do for people. Even when we were starting this whole ranch expansion with Finn. With the tasting room, you were offering to throw your money at it. That’s what you do. You put all of these things out in front of you so that when it gets rejected it’s not you.”
The words struck him like a blow. Made him take a step backward. He could hardly breathe. Could hardly think past the pain pouring through his chest.
“You’re enough, you’re just too scared to test that. You can say your money’s not enough. You can say your success isn’t enough. You can say that your protection of me wasn’t enough. You never have to see if you are.” Alex took a step toward him. “Maybe it’s time to test that. Maybe it’s time to see. What are you afraid of?”
“You know damn well what I’m afraid of,” Liam said.
“Say it. Feel it. Stop hiding behind all that...that Liam thing that you do. Where you shut everyone and everything out. You want family, you’ve got it. You know you do. With me. With Finn and Cain and Violet and your sisters-in-law. You want love... You want Sabrina? You go down there and you damn well demand it.”
“She said she knows that I’m broken.” If anyone had ever seen him, really seen him, it was her. And she’d walked away before he had a chance to disappoint her.
“Then go down there and tell her you aren’t. Or maybe that you are, but you want her anyway. It’s time. You have to do something. You can’t just keep pretending you don’t care. Not when you care more than anyone I know. I knew that there was something, but God help me, I didn’t know it was that.”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Like hell it doesn’t. I would’ve been there for you too. I would have. But I think that you didn’t want to ask just in case. For once in your life, Liam, ask for something.”
He didn’t know what to say to that. Not to any of it. It was impossible. Impossible for him to do that. Because he would only get rejected. Because it would only end with him being told he wasn’t enough. And that was what he believed, deep down in the bottom of everything. But it wasn’t enough and he never could be. That was the worst thing. Standing in that corner office in New York, with all of that money, all of that power and still feeling small. Still feeling like there wasn’t a damn thing he could do to fill that yawning void inside of himself. Like there wasn’t anything that could be done to erase all those broken, destroyed things inside of him.
And here his brother was standing there just telling them to do it. Like it was that simple. To get on his knees in front of the woman that meant more to him than anyone ever had and offer himself. Only himself.
“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” Liam said.
“I do,” Alex said. “I sure as hell do. My friend died for me, Liam. Left his sister behind, left everything behind for me. I didn’t feel like there was any way on earth that I could compete with that. But you know what, she loves me. Clara loves me, and I didn’t do anythi
ng to deserve it. I swear to God I didn’t. All I do every day is get up, hoping to continue to be worthy of that thing that she gives me so easily. Like it’s not even a struggle. I still don’t understand it, but I sure as hell need it. I love her. I love her, even though she deserves love to come from a better man.
“Even if you don’t understand it... If Sabrina can love you, you go and you take that. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense. Enough things in life aren’t fair, dammit, shouldn’t this go in our favor? Just once? Just once shouldn’t we have something?” Alex was breathing hard, his face seeming older than he’d realized his younger brother had gotten. “And if we only get a good thing once, it had better be the best thing. It had better be the woman you love. The woman who loves you.”
Liam felt... He felt like he’d been punched. Felt drained. “And what if she doesn’t?”
“Then that would suck. It really would. But I’m willing to bet that she does. And if she does, then I think it’s worth anything to see, don’t you?”
“But what if...”
“You go right back to where you’ve always been. But you’ll have the answer.”
“Somehow, that seems worse.”
“Maybe it is. But it could also be better. So much better. Give it a chance.”
Liam turned to walk away from his brother, and Alex stopped him. “You really were my hero, Liam. Even before I knew. You were always more than enough for me. You’re my older brother. You’re the reason that I’m with Clara now. You’re the reason I’m half the man I am. It certainly didn’t come from our father, sure as hell didn’t come from our mother. It came from you. If you can see all that in me, then you should see a fraction of it in yourself. At least.”
And then Alex was the one who walked away, and left Liam alone with everything.
Left him alone with a decision to make.
And the longer he stood there, the angrier he got. She had left him. Had told him that she understood. She had left without a fight. And he had... Well, he had spent a lifetime not fighting for things. Had spent a lifetime striving for material possessions instead of the love of people, because he didn’t think he could earn the love of a person. But he was done with that.
