The Shape of My Heart

by Ann Aguirre

  The three of us hurried after him. Dana fell into step with Evan, so I quickened my pace to catch up with Ji Hoo.

  He glanced over at me with a half smile. “I’m seriously relieved that you showed up. Another week and I’d be forced to start an a cappella group.”

  “And that’s to be avoided?”

  “Nobody wants me to sing without music, trust me. But I’m a kick-ass drummer. You’ll agree after jamming with us tomorrow night.”

  “I can’t wait.”

  Dinner at the burger dive turned into a two-and-a-half-hour planning session. The amazing thing was they treated like me like a founding member, listening to my suggestions, even making notes occasionally. So it was past ten when we finished up and walked back to the bar. Evan suggested we go in to talk a little more and it wasn’t like I had anything better to do. I drank a couple more beers, as did Ji Hoo and Dana, though Evan stuck to iced tea. By midnight, I felt ready for my first rehearsal, both excited and slightly buzzed. A rosy glow permeated everything as I followed the other three out to the car.

  “If you’re cool with it, I’ll ride along, too,” Ji Hoo said.

  “I don’t mind. We’ve been hanging out for six hours now and my gut says you’re good people.” With a faint twinge, I recalled Max saying more or less the same thing.

  I’m putting some space between us. It’s for the best.

  You sure about that? Eli asked.

  Shut up, you. What’s your verdict about the band?

  They might suck as musicians, but they’re decent people.

  Weird as it sounded, relief flooded through me to hear Eli agree with my assessment. One of these days, I needed to stop listening to this voice in my head. I understood that it wasn’t actually him, but I couldn’t bring myself to silence his echo. Not yet.

  Then when, C? It’s been five years.

  I’ll let you know.

  In my distraction, I stumbled into Evan’s back as he was unlocking the van. He was astonishingly solid, didn’t stumble even when I bounced off him face-first. With a smirk, he opened the back door for me.

  “There you go.”

  “Thanks. I appreciate the ride, too. I’d have to call one of my roommates out to get me. The buses stopped running an hour ago.”

  “Hey, anything for our new keyboardist,” Dana said as Evan started the vehicle.

  Ten minutes later, they dropped me off at the apartment, no trouble. My last vestige of doubt melted away. Definitely the best idea I’ve had in a while. Smiling, I strolled toward the building, the same warmth I used to get from different-colored pills trickling through me, only without the accompanying numbness. Pausing on the front steps, I watched the taillights recede.

  Ji Hoo shouted, “See you tomorrow!” out the window as they pulled away.

  Once the car disappeared from sight, I pushed open the door and went up to the apartment. I figured Angus would be at Del’s tonight, but Kia might be home. I’d like to get to know her better, but she was pretty much always studying, and I hated to bother her. After unlocking the door, I found Max sprawled on the couch with the lights off. The TV was on, throwing shadows over his face.

  He propped up on an elbow as I shut the door. For a long moment, he didn’t say anything. Then his voice came out hard, angry, even. “Your phone broken? Or maybe the battery’s dead.”

  “Huh?”

  “I texted you. Three times.”

  I know. I saw.

  “Sorry, it was loud in the bar. I probably didn’t hear it.”

  “I thought you were meeting Jared at The Pour House.”

  “The evening evolved.” I smiled, acting like I didn’t realize that he was pissed. “And if you set me up, you can’t expect me to check in, Max. No offense, but that’d be weird. Not to mention unfair to the person I’m with.”

  “Then you must’ve had fun tonight.” The words came out sharp enough to cut diamonds.

  Looking back, I had to admit that was true, though Jackass Jared had nothing to do with it. So I nodded. “Had burgers for dinner and then relocated to that bar near campus. Played a few rounds of darts, talked about music.” All of that was certainly true.

  You should just tell him, Eli piped up.

  If I do that, Max kicks Jared’s ass. There’s drama. It’s better to just let it die quietly. When he isn’t so mad, I’ll tell him about the band.

  Eh. I heard Eli’s shrug. If you say so. You’re the expert.

  “Sounds like I picked a winner on the first try,” he bit out.

  “Isn’t that what you wanted?” I waved and headed for my room.

  I heard him mumble, “Fuck if I know,” but I didn’t turn. I couldn’t.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  The next afternoon, I took the bus to the mall.

  A keyboard player needs a keyboard. There was a small music store where I hoped to find something usable. The shopping center was unimpressive by Chicago standards, one level with Sears and JCPenney as the flagship stores. I hopped off at the stop closest and walked the last three blocks. Inside I found mostly housewives wrangling toddlers along with a handful of older people dressed for exercise; women in colorful track suits speed-walked past me, gossiping about other ladies in the coffee klatch.

  With a grin, I headed for the shop; a sign in the window read ASK ABOUT GUITAR LESSONS. The guy minding the place perked up when I walked in. He probably didn’t get many customers; musical instruments didn’t rank high on the list of casual impulse buys.

  “Can I help you with something?”

  “I’m in the market for a keyboard.”

  He led me around, talking brands and budget. In the end, I bought a Yamaha portable. He promised the sound would be good enough for performance. But after I bought it, I realized I had no feasible way to get everything home. There was no way in hell I wanted to lug the gear to the bus stop, even assuming I could manage. Studying the contact list on my phone offered only a few possibilities. Nadia, I guess, or Angus... But that wouldn’t solve the problem of how to get my stuff to Evan’s for rehearsal tonight. But maybe... Hoping he wouldn’t think I was an asshole, I tapped Evan in my contact list and waited for the call to connect.

  “What’s up, funny girl?”

  I had no idea if that was a compliment but since I was about to ask for a favor, I let it go. “What’re you doing right now?”

  “Eating cereal in my underwear.”

  That started a laugh out of me. “You believe in complete honesty, huh?”

  “Hey, you asked. Don’t risk the question if you can’t handle the answer. But I’m pretty sure you didn’t call me up for that. Unless you did.” I could actually hear the smile in his voice.

  “Could you put some pants on and swing by the mall? I just got a new keyboard and I could use some help getting it to your place.”

  “Not a problem. Just chill with Dave at the store and I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

  It was closer to twenty when Evan rolled in; I was fiddling with an acoustic guitar, getting a free lesson and starting to feel awkward about it. I put down the instrument and waved, picking up all the accessories I could carry.

  Evan grinned. “I see how you are. So I’m a pack mule to you?”

  “Do you see any saddle bags?”

  “Thanks, D. I’ve got it from here.” He made a take-off gesture at the store clerk, who reluctantly went around the counter and left us to haul everything out to the van. As he stacked my stuff in back, Evan added, “I handle transportation and since I have the most room, I store the amps and everything else at my place. If you want, you can leave your gear, too.”

  “That would be good. Otherwise rehearsal could be problematic. I’ve never really needed a car before.”

  “City girl,” he scoffed.

  “Basically. I really appreciate this.” To my surprise, he came around to open my door. Evan might look like a thug, but his manners suggested otherwise.

  “I might be planning to sell your shit on Craigsli
st as soon as you take off.” He cut me an ominous look, thick brows drawn down.

  “If you do, you won’t have a keyboardist,” I pointed out. “Don’t you stand to earn more money as a working band than as a felon?”

  “Your logic is my Kryptonite.” He started the van and drove toward his house.

  As promised, he showed me the other equipment, safe in his garage. I unloaded beside him, though he was careful to grab the heavy stuff. Evan sighed when he realized I’d bought basically everything we could possibly need for a show in one shot. He studied me, tapping one Doc Marten against the cement floor.

  “What?”

  “No job. You just spent eighteen hundred, easy.”

  “So...?”

  “It means you’re a rich girl. How do we know you won’t just take off the minute this stops being fun? Because it’s definitely work. And the rest of us need you to take it seriously. We don’t expect to hit it big or anything, but—”

  “Relax,” I cut in. “I wouldn’t have spent the money if I didn’t think I could earn it back.”

  He scanned my face for a few seconds more, before letting me off the hook with a sharp nod. “Fine. You want a ride home?”

  “At this point, it’s only an hour and half until rehearsal. Unless I’d bother you, it makes sense for me to hang out here.” I didn’t analyze my reluctance to go home, though it absolutely had to do with the new tension between Max and me.

  “If you don’t mind watching TV while I shower, make yourself at home.” Evan gestured for me to precede him into the house and I was surprised by how nice it was.

  Wood floors contrasted beautifully with eggshell walls, more modern than I expected. The rooms were small but in all honesty, the house was cleaner than our apartment, a pleasant surprise from a guy living alone. Furniture was sparse, though, and there weren’t too many personal belongings spread around. I remembered him saying he was house-sitting.

  “The living room’s through there. All the remotes are on the coffee table. Help yourself to a drink from the fridge if you want one.” He seemed really casual as he left me alone in his front room, heading down the hall toward what I presumed to be the bathroom.

  My phone buzzed as I clicked the TV on, along with the cable box. I channel surfed for a couple of minutes before picking it up. A tremor went through me when I saw Max’s name. It was like I’d broken up with him even though we were never dating. Apart from Eli, I’d never felt this particular tightness in my chest.

  You’re in love with him, Eli pointed out.

  Am not.

  Lie to yourself if you want. Don’t even try to fool me.

  With a deep sigh, I touched the message. Where are you?

  There had to be some way to get back to the old footing. Yeah, the trip had changed things, enforced a certain intimacy, but that didn’t have to ruin our friendship. Reminding myself not to be a dumbass, I ignored the ache in my sternum and sent back: Hanging out with a friend.

  Jared? That came back so fast he might’ve sprained a thumb.

  Nope. I don’t think that’s gonna work out. See you later.

  I expected that to end the convo, but Max persisted. So who’re you with? He named a few people and I stared at my cell, wondering why he seemed obsessed with how I was spending my Saturday night. At that point I could’ve told him about the band, but I wasn’t ready to explain. If we sounded terrible together, if it didn’t work out, I’d rather my roomies didn’t know that I’d spent so much money on an impulse, like credit card debt could fill the hole in my life.

  Nobody you know, I texted.

  We know all the same people, he sent back immediately.

  No. We don’t.

  That silenced him. I was putting away my phone when Evan sauntered into the living room. His hair was so short, I could hardly tell he’d just showered, apart from the clean, soapy smell as he passed me and plopped onto the other end of the couch. He cocked a brow.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Huh? Why?”

  “You look aggravated.”

  “A little, maybe. Don’t worry, it’s nothing that’ll impact my musical aptitude.”

  “Glad to hear it. Now give me the remote, I’m not watching Hoarders. That show is depressing as fuck.”

  “I treat it as an object lesson. Like, this is what can happen if you get overly attached to crap you don’t need. It’s also kind of...aversion therapy.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I have mild OCD and watching that show is—”

  “Got it. You’re a weird girl, you know that, right?”

  With a wry smile, I nodded. “It might have come up once or twice in conversation.”

  Since it was his TV, I didn’t bitch when Evan turned on sports. Unfortunately the game didn’t hold my attention, so my mind turned to Max. Who was probably getting off work now. In the old days, before the trip, neither one of us went out on Saturday night; we just hung around the apartment, made dinner together, played video games or watched movies.

  I miss him.

  Evan startled me by speaking since he’d been wrapped up in the match for the past hour. “I have to go get the other two. Do you want to wait here or ride along?”

  “I’ll go with you.” It seemed weird to do anything else.

  “Come on, then.”

  Dana and Ji Hoo were waiting outside their dorms when we rolled by. They piled in, and though I braced for questions, neither seemed particularly interested in why I was with Evan. We talked about the set list on the way back to his place, and it felt so good to have something besides classes and Max to focus on.

  “I don’t know all of those songs by heart,” I warned them. “Do you have sheet music?”

  “For most of them,” Dana answered.

  Ji Hoo added, “The rest we can probably buy online and print at Evan’s place.”

  We did that first. Well, Evan did. The rest of us went to the garage, where the magic happened. I could definitely tell it was a rehearsal space from the drum kit to the amps. With a determined nod, I set up my keyboard, though Ji Hoo had to help me.

  He gave me a weird look as he showed me what to do. “If I hadn’t heard you, I’d swear you never touched a keyboard before.”

  “To be honest, I haven’t. I’ve only played the regular piano. There may be a learning curve but I can figure it out. When’s the first show?”

  Dana laughed. “Relax. We have to book one.”

  “So there’s time. I’m relieved. I was afraid you’d tell me our first gig is next weekend.”

  “It is,” Evan said, coming out of the house.

  “Wait, what?” I gaped at him.

  “Wow, you’re easy. I’m kidding. I thought I’d give us two weeks of rehearsal before calling any of our usual venues.”

  Ji Hoo nodded. “Good idea. We might be able to play the Omega Chi Halloween party next month. That was okay last year.”

  “It would be a good first show for Courtney,” Dana agreed.

  “How come?” I glanced between them, wondering at the rationale.

  Dana slung an arm around my shoulder. “They’re not a tough crowd. They drink a lot, not musically critical. The end.”

  “But our usual set list won’t work,” Evan told me. “I’ll introduce you to the Greek party soundtrack later. For now, let’s work on the other stuff.”

  “Sounds good to me.”

  After a few false starts while I familiarized myself with the new keyboard, rehearsal kicked off. I wouldn’t call myself a pro but I didn’t screw up too badly in the first few songs. Four tunes later, Evan and Dana gave me notes while Ji Hoo practiced tossing his sticks. Since I wanted to improve, I didn’t mind the critique. The next three songs went smoothly, and it was way more fun than I expected, the way our individual instruments threaded together to form a coherent, beautiful sound. Evan had a great voice, husky and smoky. At first, I kept forgetting to sing and Dana yelled at me about shifting keys in the middle.

&nb
sp; “You’re only harmonizing half the time,” she griped. “Damn. You’re not competing with Evan. Think of yourself as a back-up singer.”

  With zero performance experience, I could only promise to try harder. I nodded at her. “I’ll do better.”

  They all stared at me. Then Ji Hoo shook his head. “Man, you’re so different than Stella.”

  “Is that bad?” I asked.

  “It’s fantastic,” Dana replied. “We might take Racing Sorrow to the next level.”

  Evan grinned. “Hells yeah. With Courtney on board, we might even play the state fair this summer.”

  I had no idea if he was joking or if that was a hard gig to book, but I smiled tentatively. “Thanks for giving me a shot.”

  At the halfway point, we took a break and ate leftover pizza while they told me a little more about their plans to advertise and set up more shows. It felt good to be part of the collective, even if I was the noob. In the latter half of practice, I incorporated their suggestions and I managed to stay on key.

  An hour later, we knocked off for the night entirely. Dana and Ji Hoo both had plans for later, so Evan drove them back to campus.

  In the van, I asked, “So tell me about the name. How did you come up with it?”

  Evan said quietly, “We’ve all got something bad behind us, you know? Without going into our sad stories, it felt right. Every morning we get up, racing sorrow, and telling ourselves this is the day we put it behind us for good.”

  “Wow. I love that.”

  “Kind of cheesy,” Dana mumbled.

  I shifted to meet her gaze. “Not at all.”

  When they hopped out of the van, I waved until they disappeared inside the dorm. It wasn’t that late, not even ten, but I’d bothered Evan enough for one day. “I really appreciate the ride home. Thanks again for bailing me out at the music store. I think Dave was about to make an indecent proposal.”

  He offered a fleeting smile. “Eh, he gets lonely. You probably kept him in business for another month with everything you bought.”

  “I’ll consider my philanthropic quota met for the month.”

  “Courtney...” As he turned toward my apartment, passing headlights illuminated his stark features. “I hope you won’t think I’m a dick for mentioning this...”