by Elise Jae
“He could have... hurt you.” I won’t accept the other option.
“But he didn’t.”
“I should have ripped his damn cock off.”
“That would have been messy.”
I look at her with a hard glare. I don’t give a shit about the mess. “I should go.”
“No.” She presses her hand to my chest. “I want you still. What happened, doesn’t change the fact that I always want you.”
“Promise me you’ll never take him on again.”
“I can promise you Margot will never let him through these doors again.”
I pick her up, holding her tight to me and cradle her in my arms as I go to the chair. It doesn’t matter if she wants me. I can’t imagine taking her now. Can't imagine doing anything that might risk hurting her.
“Please tell me that’s never happened before.”
I don’t like her pause.
“Not to me.” Her breath seems to deflate her, and she curls against me more tightly. “Margot will make an example of him. It’ll be a few years before anyone’s forgotten and is willing to risk it again.”
She’s quiet for a moment, and I know there’s something else. “What is it?”
“It didn’t feel like…. He was into it.” She shakes her head. “Maybe it’s panic making me remember things weird. There’s no way he would have thought he could get away with actually hurting me. Not with you here.”
But she’s right. It hadn’t felt like he was enjoying himself. But trying to actually hurt her, with me here…..
None of it made sense.
It doesn’t matter why. “If I ever see him again, he’s going to disappear into the Shadow Zone.”
She doesn’t make me promise not to, she doesn’t say a thing. She just buries her face against my chest and holds me tighter.
The clock on the back wall clicks through a dozen digits before I’m calm enough to release my hold on her. And even then, I don’t let her go.
“I’m taking you home.”
I want to take her home, to my home, where I know she will be safe. But that isn’t an option.
I half expect her to argue, but she meets my eyes for a long moment, and then nods. “I’d appreciate that.”
HANNAH
I would have preferred to let Hazard drive me home himself, but something told me that would be a very bad idea.
Not the least because I considered—for a moment—asking him to take me back to his home instead of mine.
When I park in the garage, I take a moment to pause when I step out of the car, letting my gaze linger on Hazard’s… considering just how bad an idea it would be to lock up and run to him instead of going inside.
But there are unspoken rules, and he doesn’t belong to me… no matter how much he seems to care.
The door opening behind me makes me hit the garage door closed, and I pretend I don’t know Noa is there.
Noa looks at me with a sharp glare when I come through the door, his eyes traveling over me.
I didn’t change.
It is the first time he’s seen me in “work clothes” and for a moment, I think he’s mad about them.
“You’re home early.”
Before I can answer, his eyes narrow at the closed panes of white glass behind me—he would have been able to see Hazard’s car. “Are you bringing them home with you now?”
“There was a problem. Margot wasn’t comfortable letting me leave alone.”
It’s not a complete lie, but I’m not in a place where I can have an argument right now. I’ve been on the verge of tears since it happened, and Noa hasn’t ever cared how fragile I am. Why would he now?
Eyes narrowed, he looks at me, tracing over me with more interest than I’ve felt in months.
“Don’t worry about it.” I shove past him. I don’t want to have this conversation right now.
“Hannah.”
I freeze. Not because of his tone… but because he hasn’t said my name in so long it sounds… wrong on his lips.
“What happened?”
“I’ll remind you, you were the one who dictated that neither of us interfered in the other’s work life. What happened doesn’t matter to you.”
“You are mine. If something happens to you I am at fault.”
If something happens to me it will look bad.
“If the first part for that statement was true, you would deserve an answer. But I am not yours, Noa. You’ve made it abundantly clear. You didn’t get what you wanted when I stepped off that ship. Don’t you dare start pretending to care now.”
His jaw is tight as he studies me.
“Fine. I won’t pretend. But your safety is still a concern to me. You will let me know if you need anything.”
Not anything, but I don’t remind him of that. He doesn’t need to be reminded—nor do I—of the failing that started all of this.
“Am I free to go?”
He dips his head in a sharp nod.
It’s all the permission I need, and I slip into my room, shutting the door behind me and listening, trying to be certain he’s gone—to his office, to his own room… straight to hell. I don’t really care anymore.
I drop my things and go directly to my shower. There are too many memories that need to be scoured from my skin.
What I’ve been doing isn’t enough. It needs to change. I need to change.
And the first thing I need to do is get out of this house and away from Noa. He’s like a black hole, slowly pulling me apart and draining my soul.
As I step out, a plan starts to form.
Kimba lived on her own for years. I should be able to find something. After all, what Margot pays me goes into an account that I barely have to touch. I can more than afford to move out.
I towel myself dry, my skin turning red as I use the terry cloth to scrub off the night’s memories.
Tonight, I know there will be nightmares.
Tomorrow… I begin the search for a place of my own.
I don’t know how I’ll explain it… who ever heard of a man not wanting his bondmate?
Something’s wrong with me. It’s the only explanation.
And it’s not something I have any idea how to fix.
The tiny refrigerator in my room is empty, and I take a deep breath, steeling myself to the fact I have to cross the house to get a drink from the main fridge. But when I open the door, the house is dark.
The silence is deeper than usual.
“Noa?” I look around the corner, but he’s not there. The house is empty.
He left, again, without a word.
The cold bottles in my hand clink as I return to my room and I hate the creeping feeling that slides over my skin.
I’m used to being lonely.
I’m not used to being alone.
Six
HANNAH
The club has started to feel like a minefield. And tonight… when Margot slipped me a message that Hazard wasn’t going to be able to come in after all…. I’d decided I didn’t want to be there either.
Noa hadn’t batted an eye when I came back less than an hour after I’d left.
If he cared at all, I’d probably die of shock.
But I still have Hazard’s comm code. And I’m not afraid to use it, either.
“Hey.” He smiles at me with a quirk of his lips and a twist of his brow. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah.” All of the times I’ve needed to talk… I just haven’t. And I’m not going to say what’s bothering me now… but I need to not feel alone. “I just…. You didn’t come in tonight and I missed you.”
His gaze darts to the lower left of the screen and I know he’s checking the time. “It doesn’t look like I’d have run into you.”
“I didn’t feel like sticking around once I got the news.”
“Sorry I had to disappoint. Drift cancelled my night off.”
“Too many monsters?”
“No, I think I pissed him off and he decided to
punish me for it.” He shifts and I catch a glimpse of where he actually is. Like me, he’s laying in bed.
It’s startling how intimate that feels.
“Are you sure everything’s okay?”
It’s not. I have to look away, because all I can feel right now is profound loneliness.
“What did you do to piss him off?”
“I may have antagonized one of the other guys until his only option was to haul back and hit me.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” He chuckles and I can tell he’s tired. “Kilo is great with a gun, but he’s never been able to get enough power behind his fists.”
“Does he punch you often?”
“He certainly tries.”
“I have to admit, I’m much happier being a lover than a fighter.”
“I’m happier you are too.”
There’s a knock on the door and a glance toward it, wondering why he’s coming to me now. “I have to go.”
“I’ll see you later. But you can call if you ever need anything.”
Tossing the pad to the foot of the bed, I get up. I know Noa could hear me talking through the door. I know that he’s not there to play the jealous bond mate. Honestly… I don’t think he’d care if I went to Margot’s one night and just never came back.
When I open the door, Noa isn’t there. Instead, sitting on the tile in front of the threshold is a box.
I know better than to think it’s a gift.
But it is… just not from him.
Cutting the tape, I pull back the flaps and the first thing is a card with my name in scrolling script. My mother’s favorite hobby.
The square of cardstock inside has four more ornate words.
Call before you open
She knows she doesn’t have to tell me who to call. She’s the only one who sends me mail from Earth.
She answers the comm without looking up from her lettering. “Hello?”
“Hi momma,” My mother turns to me with a wide smile.
“You got the box.”
“I did. And I’m following instructions.”
“Good. I wanted to see your reaction.”
“Alright.” Scissors still in hand, I slide it along the seam of this box as well, and when I pull back the flaps, I manage to catch myself an instant before my face would give me away.
I smile so brightly, my cheeks hurt. “It’s beautiful.”
I pull the baby onesie from the box, ignoring the tiny shoes that go with it.
“It’s from when you were a little girl. I figured when you finally get around to giving me a grand baby, they can wear it. I included a copy of the photo you should recreate.”
“Thank you, it’s wonderful.”
I should have told her about my problems…. There have been a million times I should have told her… but I didn’t want her to worry. Didn’t want her to feel like she needed to do something. And I especially didn’t want her to get a hold of Noa and try to… do something.
Letting her dive into the long list of things going on back on Earth that I’ve missed, I pack the onesie away and try to bury this empty feeling with it.
Seven
ONE WEEK AGO
HANNAH
Margot hasn’t said anything about my management of her clients tonight. Anyone who’s come to me has been cajoled and prodded until they see why the woman I’ve steered them to is the better option for them. But she pauses beside me on one of her many passes.
“I’ve put a bottle in number four for you.”
And put the reserved light on, I’ve no doubt.
Her gaze slides from me to the opening door, but I don’t have to look aside to see that he’s here.
“They swarm to him like sharks to blood.” Shaking her head, Margot leans in and gives me a peck on the cheek. “I don’t know how you’ve managed to do it, but your playing favorites has made me a lot of money.”
She leaves me and I have to shake my head at her.
When I turn, Hazard is there, a small cadre of men behind him. But I look at the others and shake my head. “Not tonight.”
His brows pinch and the others walk away disappointed, but I grab his wrist before he can turn to watch them go.
“Tonight, I just want you.”
“It’s been a long time since we played one on one.”
We’ve only done it twice before. The first and second time.
Hazard was the first man I slept with at the club. The man who popped my club cherries.
If I’ve done something with any man at the club, I’ve done it with Hazard first.
His lips part, but he doesn’t say anything and I worry I’ve misstepped. “Unless that’s not okay?”
“It’s okay.” His words are quiet, but I hear them clearly over the thumping of the music. “I told you before. I will give you anything you want.”
Maybe not anything.
Number four is set up as the room always is. Bed. Chair. Bottle.
I’m not certain why, but the set up bothers me tonight… just a vaguely unsettling feeling.
But Hazard doesn’t go to the chair. He doesn’t leave me, doesn’t let go of my hand.
When the door locks behind me, he turns me in a slow pirouette and his gaze traces over me.
“Is everything alright?”
No. “Why would something be wrong?”
He shrugs and draws me to him. His arm sweeping around me to draw me to him, he lifts me off the floor.
“You don’t have to tell me right now, but I want to know. If you need anything—”
“I need you.” I kiss him before he can say anything else. “I just need you.”
He doesn’t look like that answer will satisfy him, but he doesn’t argue. His fingers trail over my shoulders and the robe I’d been wearing slides down to hook on my arms.
The straps of my bra follow after.
Hazard handles me like I’m a precious creation. He makes love to me like no other man ever has.
Add another orgasm to the long list of sexual favors Hazard has done me.
His skin is warm and I rest my head on his shoulder, wishing I never had to leave.
Please tell me “What’s wrong?”
“Does something have to be wrong?”
His fingers swirl over my back. “No, but something is.”
There are too many answers to that question.
“Noa and I got in a fight. He said some things…. I hope he didn’t mean.”
“I’m sure he didn’t.” Hazard drags the covers up over us. “If what I've seen of the bond is right, anything he said that hurt you, hurt him too. He’ll probably apologize when you get home.”
But Noa has never apologized.
Hazard turns us so that I’m on my back and he’s on his elbows half over me. His hand cups my jaw. “I don’t like seeing you feel this way.”
“Then distract me.”
Because Hazard has always loved me the way a bondmate should… and soon, I’ll lose that too. Each Interaction we have could be our last.
This is why Hazard is dangerous. It’s why I probably should have turned him away ages ago. I should have sent him to another woman and stopped myself from falling—
Luckily Hazard angles my hips and as he fills me, pressing deeper, sensations banish all thoughts.
He pushes me toward that precarious high, every movement seemingly calculated. He knows me so well...
But I know him too.
We fall into a familiar battle, each of us fighting to get the other one there first.
Someday, I might win… but not this time.
I come apart, his name a jagged cry on my lips and I’m still fracturing under him when his low grunt ghosts across my ears.
Breath heaving, Hazard keeps his arm locked under my waist, holding me to him until we’ve both cooled enough it doesn’t feel like I’ll unravel when he releases me.
Lying in this bed with him I can’t help but wish for things I’ve no ri
ght to.
I’m going to lose him forever….
A selfish part of me knows there’s a way I could keep part of him.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask for it. But it’s so unfair….
“You’re doing the thing again.”
“Which thing is that?”
“The one where you’re thinking about something that makes you sad and I don’t like it.”
“I want something… but I can’t ask for it. Because I think you’d say yes… when you’d want to say no. When you should say no.”
“Tell me anyway.”
I’m a horrible, selfish person. It’s the only way to explain that I do ask.
“If I asked… would you get off the stopper for me?”
He’s silent and still. “You’re right. You shouldn’t ask me that. Because I would say yes… and then Margot would kill me… and if I got you pregnant, your bondmate would kill me. I’d be doubly dead.”
Noa wouldn’t do anything.
“And if no one killed me…. That might be worse.”
Something slick and ugly slides across my veins a moment before he says.
“If you want a child, that has to be a discussion between you and your bond mate.”
HAZARD
I’ve always known, in the back of my mind… I’ve always known, eventually, she and her bondmate would have a kid. They’d no doubt been trying.
It was one of the promises the Agency made. To both parties.
It was the whole point of the bondings.
But faced with the real potential of that….
The idea of being unable to come to her for a number of months makes me a little ill. A week is torture.
The idea of knowing the child she carried was mine and being unable to claim it—and her—as my own….
This is the first time I’m the one who leaves the bed first.
Saints… what if she asked someone else?
Could I stand that?
I stop in front of the sink, gripping the counter just a little too hard.
Looking at Hannah in the reflection—at the way she’s sitting with her robe draped over one leg.
It’s too easy to imagine her heavy with child… with my child.
