Loner

by Rae, Harloe

  The gasp I release is mock to the extreme. “Me? Never. Plus, you’re still young enough to believe I’m the coolest person ever. We can review that concept once you’re thirteen and truly think I’m ridiculous.”

  “You’re being silly,” she murmurs.

  And my baby is growing up too fast. This grumpy goof is going to need ice cream later. Or that other surprise I’ve been holding out on. “You cannot start the pre-teen drama yet. Not happening.”

  “I’m not.” She totally is.

  “If you say so.”

  “I do.” Millie smiles, wide and genuine. “I’ll always be your little girl, Mama.”

  “Much better. I love you, sweetie.”

  “Love you lots.”

  “What else—”

  “We’re in front of the school, Mama.”

  I whip a fast glance out the windshield for confirmation. How did we arrive so fast? Must have been my lack of concentration. Again. “All right, well, run along. Have fun getting your learn on. Mama has a lot to do.”

  She manages to stretch her grin wider. “Like see Ford?”

  Would it be too telling if I bang my head against the steering wheel? “He’s not on the list.” As in ever again. “Nice try, though.”

  Her bottom lip sticks out a mile wide. “I wish he would be.”

  “Okay, bye! Have an excellent great day, Millie.”

  My daughter blows me a kiss before hopping out onto the sidewalk. With her head down and shoulders slumped, no one spares my little girl a glance. I can only hope this is a phase. Once she gains more confidence, others will see what I do so clearly. Those days are just beyond the horizon.

  As I pull out of the parking lot, a popular, fast-paced pop song croons from the radio. I recall shaking my ass to this tune at Bronco Buck. Muscle memory kicks in, and I begin shimmying to the catchy beat. Along with my smooth moves, sneaky reflections filter into the cracks.

  The air conditioning is blasting, but a tingle of heat begins crawling under my skin. Certain moments rise to the surface faster than others. Crawford’s parting blow has been plaguing me since he stormed out of my house. Farewell fuck? Who says that? He should’ve just left before I woke up, dignity intact and great memories to keep us warm. But then we wouldn’t have shared that mind-melting, extremely erotic—

  Dammit, there I go again. I inwardly curse myself. This nonsense reminiscing needs to quit. While turning onto Main Street, I shove all thoughts of Crawford and what we did to the darkest recesses of my mind. I’ve been avoiding Josey almost as much as the stupid asshole responsible for this fiasco. She’s been texting me nonstop about him since we left the bar together. Appeasing her with tiny morsels has postponed the inevitable, and I’ve stayed away from our typical meeting spots to avoid confrontation of the spilling-juicy-details variety. One look at me and she’ll be able to tell exactly what’s on my filthy mind. So many dirty images.

  Avoiding her forever isn’t an option, though. Which is exactly why I’m parallel parking in front of our favorite coffee shop. While smoothing down my hair, I repeat a few proactive mentality boosters.

  This is just another day in my office.

  Josey will never suspect a thing is out of place.

  I’m a boss bitch.

  If all goes to shit, I’ll hide in the bathroom until she relents.

  I slide into that mindset and strut into Steeped. Josey is waiting for me at our regular table along the far wall in the corner. A steamy cup of what I assume is hazelnut vanilla latte is waiting in front of an open chair. Either she’s buttering me up or feels guilty for hounding me. A slight ache pinches my chest. I should be the one treating her after all the ghosting this week. She follows my slinking stride as I move toward her.

  “Hey, you. Thanks for ordering.” I plop my butt into the cushioned seat, pick up the mug, and inhale a greedy whiff. “Smells like heaven.”

  Josey gives me a lopsided smile. “Figured you’d need it after spending days hiding.”

  I try not to flinch. “I deserve that.”

  “You do, but I get it. We all recover at different speeds.” She pauses, probably waiting for me to fill in the blanks. I don’t take the bait. “How’s Millie?”

  “Good, I think. She misses you.”

  “I miss her more. Is she ready for summer?”

  “Big time. I think she’s done being in first grade.”

  My friend laughs. “Doesn’t surprise me. She’s always been ahead of the curve.”

  “That’s what I keep telling myself.”

  Josey shrugs. “Don’t stress, mama hen. Your little chick will spread her wings soon enough.”

  “Chickens don’t fly.”

  “So? They still need to leave the nest.”

  “Good point.”

  “Anyway, I’m glad you finally showed.”

  “Being cooped up at home isn’t quite the same.” I start unpacking all of the daily essentials. Once my laptop is flipped open and the screen flashes on, I feel prepared to face any hurdles heading for me. My shield is locked and loaded.

  “Sitting at a café by yourself isn’t that great either,” she mutters.

  I don’t bother hiding my wince. “I’m sorry, Joe.”

  She scoffs. “It’s fine. We’re all good.”

  My nod is slow. Based on the knot twisting my belly into a solid mass, I’m not entirely sure she means that. But the tension between us wanes with each passing beat. I blow out a long exhale and begin scrolling through my email.

  So far, all seems normal. We get settled into our routines with little fanfare. But the calm is almost deceptive. We’re busy working, focusing on our respective devices, but there’s a tension in the coffee-scented air.

  Josey squirms in her seat, nearly tipping a plate off the table. I quirk a brow, but otherwise manage to ignore her movements. She taps a pen on her mouse, the clacking going straight to my temple. Humming is her next choice of irritant. Is she doing this on purpose? Maybe this is how she’s been adapting in my extended absence. Drawing attention will only open the door to more questions. I narrow my eyes on a detailed list from my client, but the words are blurring.

  A loud huff breaks our terse silence. “So! Ford Doxe.”

  I can’t help but grin while checking the clock. It only took three minutes. “What about him?”

  She tips her chin and quirks a brow, giving me that disgruntled look I know so well. “As if I wasn’t going to bring him up. Count your blessings that I gave you this long of a reprieve.”

  I let my smile spread. “I appreciate your patience and discretion.”

  “Don’t even try pretending that we’re not discussing Saturday night, and probably Sunday morning, at great length.” She holds up both hands, putting a few feet of space between them. I release a loud snort at her humorous generosity. Yeah, in his dreams.

  I twirl a curled tendril of hair around my finger. “Um, nice try.”

  “Give me the dirt or I’ll march my ass to Iron Throttle. Getting the truth from the other guilty party shouldn’t be too difficult.”

  Her bluff rolls off my bouncing shoulders. “As if you would.”

  She crosses her arms. “Is that a dare?”

  I hold my breath while studying the fierce lines of her expression. There’s no flush or twitching nose in sight. Shit. “There’s no way Crawford will spill the beans. He’s antisocial and broody on a good day.”

  For once, I’m glad he’s separated himself from society. My salacious acts can be buried in a restful peace with him out there. A frown tugs on my lips. I might miss that hussy.

  A sparkling gleam shines in Josey’s eyes. “Ah, I knew it! You totally bumped uglies.”

  I cross my arms. “What part of that speech alluded to sex?”

  “Oh, please. This isn’t ninth-grade gossip. You went home with him. I’d have to be pretty gullible to believe that you only invited him inside to watch the evening news.”

  “If it’s written on the ceiling…” I
trail off.

  She huffs. “It’s not, and I’m not going to double check until you leave.”

  “It was a really great film.”

  “Of your own making.”

  I feel my cheeks go up in flames. “Definitely not.”

  “Yeah, I can’t see Ford doing that either.”

  That reminds me of something. “Why didn’t I know that you grew up with him?”

  She circles the rim of her cup. “Figured it was obvious.”

  “Not to me.”

  Josey winks. “Is the big city girl still acclimating to small-town living? My high school had three hundred kids total. It’s safe to assume I’m well acquainted with anyone our age.”

  I cluck my tongue. “Noted.”

  “All right, no more diversions. How was Ford in the sack?” She bobs her eyebrows.

  I glance behind me, scanning the surrounding area for eavesdroppers. “Josephine! I’m resisting telling even you. Do you think that means I want all of Silo Springs to hear?”

  She makes a show of checking for bending ears. “I doubt anyone is listening.”

  “That’s what you always say. Then, during my next spree at Springs Market, the entire rumor mill is whispering and pointing. The gaggle gals don’t play.” I point at her, infusing as much accusation into my finger as possible.

  Josey leans forward and bites at me. “You’re paranoid. And if they’re talking about you, take it as a compliment. You’re spicy news, especially after a romp with the town’s reclusive bad boy.”

  I groan. “No. No, no, no. The last thing I want is for a bunch of strangers to be making assumptions about my personal business. This is precisely why I didn’t want to go out dancing in the first place.”

  “You had fun. Don’t bother denying it.”

  I let my eyes slide shut, inhaling the rich aroma of freshly ground beans and melting chocolate mixed with spun sugar. A shiver runs through me from the scent alone. After clearing my vision, physically and emotionally, I stare at my best friend. This woman is the closest thing I have to a sister. Other than Millie, she’s my only family. “Okay, I surrender. That night is going down as one of the best in all of history.”

  Josey squeaks. “Oh. My. Gah! I totally called it. In my mind, of course. Tell me everything. Right this moment. I need to live vicariously.”

  “He, uh, brought out this animal inside of me. We stayed up until four o’clock in the morning. It was freaking wild.” A familiar buzz tickles across my limbs. I cross my legs, only to let them fall open a moment later.

  She scoots closer, edging toward me to whisper. “Did you love it?”

  I feel the blush bloom in my cheeks. “Um, maybe?”

  “Don’t be shy, Keke.”

  “Okay, yes. I’ve been replaying every filthy moment since he left.”

  Josey motions me on, spinning her wrist in rapid circles. “I need more. Talk dirty to me, Keke.”

  And I do. I spill all the spine-tingling, toe-curling details. Well, only to the extent that keeps my dignity intact. She doesn’t really want to hear about me being bent over in half while taking a very solid eight inches from behind.

  Josey smacks the table. “Holy shit. My bestie likes it rough. You’re a crazy sex fiend. I love it.”

  I’m certain my face is redder than a ripe tomato. The burn has me tilting my chin down. “Shhh, keep your voice down. And this was completely spontaneous and out of my comfort zone. I just needed to get that experience out of my system. I’m done and regulated and back to plain vanilla now. No more insane sexcapades.”

  “Yeah, okay. I’m more likely to believe you just held hands while playing Scrabble.”

  “For real, Joe. One and done. I’m a mother and need to be responsible.”

  “You’re also a woman. Just because you have a daughter doesn’t mean your needs vanish. Don’t be ashamed of your sexual appetite or preferences. Sounds like Crawford opened your eyes.”

  “Did he ever,” I mumble.

  She claps a hand over her gaping mouth. “You naughty girl.”

  “Oh, hush. It’s nothing that bad.”

  “Yet,” she adds.

  I shake my head. “We won’t be having a repeat.”

  She scoffs. “There’s no way you can ignore this sort of ravishing chemistry.”

  “Yes, I mostly certainly can. We agreed. But even if we didn’t, Ford turned into a massive dick after his balls were empty. I don’t need his kind of attitude.”

  “The ridiculously great in bed kind? Knock your socks off each night? Delivering fantasies at your command?”

  “Ah, not exactly. More like he doesn’t get his way and acts out worse than a spoiled toddler.”

  “So, what did he want that you didn’t give?”

  “I don’t even know anymore. We had a big fight. I’m moving past it.”

  “Did you erect a wall without giving him a fighting chance?”

  “No.” I roll my eyes toward the wall.

  Her lips form a thin line. “Not even a smile at my clever choice of words? You’ve definitely been self-sabotaging.”

  “Have not,” I retort.

  “He needs more from you.”

  I furrow my brow. “Absolutely not. He made that clear.”

  Josey blows a puff of air through her pursed lips. “You can help each other.”

  “With orgasms, maybe.”

  “Now you’re thinking.”

  “Right, but that’s the extent.”

  “No way. You’re both in need of healing. Very different varieties, but that will work for your benefit. He seems to have a knack for rescuing you, right?”

  Here she goes again. My romantic bestie is up on her soapbox. She has her chin resting on an open palm, a dreamy glint in her gaze. More than anything, I want her to find someone. No one deserves a happily ever after more than her. I hate to disappoint her, especially when she’s nearly bubbling over with glee.

  It would be easy enough to offer myself on a silver platter to the brash asshole for another round. The fire still racing through my veins couldn’t agree more. But the possibility of temporary pleasure isn’t worth the risk of my heart or my pride. “It’s not going further with Ford. He’s too surly with an extra scoop of jaded.” I release a sharp exhale. “Guess we have that in common.”

  Josey whistles. “You haven’t met his brother. Hot damn.”

  She earns an exaggerated eye roll for that. “I can’t imagine anyone being sexier than Ford.”

  “To you, maybe. Grant is just…yum. I’m just sad he left Silo Springs.”

  “Why did he?”

  “There’s some family drama.” She buttons her lips. “That’s not my story to tell.”

  There’s almost nothing worse than getting teased with the idea of getting the inside intel, only to have it snatched away. But what do I want that information for? I stow any hint of interest from my expression. “I’m all too familiar with that.”

  Josey’s grin trembles ever so slightly at the corners. “Life is messy, Keke. That doesn’t make it any less beautiful.”

  “No truer words, bae.”

  “Speaking is the truth.” The sparkle returns to her eyes. “Does Millie know about your adult slumber party?”

  I lift the mug to my lips, very thankful I hadn’t taken a sip. “You better be joking with that question.”

  “Don’t fault me for trying to lighten the mood.”

  “Wouldn’t dream of it.” I giggle and resume my attempts at getting work done. “Keep the entertainment coming. Unlike a certain someone, I enjoy the company of others.”

  Healing Hug #14: A little self-love goes at least halfway.

  The prodding in my skull doesn’t give me a moment’s rest. Blonde hair. Green eyes. Snarky wit that gets me harder than steel. But to be fair, everything about Keegan makes my dick twitch. Her bewitching spell is precisely why I find myself parking in a rear lot off Main Street.

  The slap of my boots bounces off the brick walls as I str
ide through the shadowed alley. A streak of sun pours across my back, the unrelenting rays finding me regardless of where I try to hide. It seems the elements of nature, along with a few select individuals, are also conspiring against me to lighten up.

  I straighten my shoulders and continue stalking forward, shoving those idiotic thoughts away. The weather is warm and bright. My mood just happens to be the polar opposite. What else is fucking new? This is a regular afternoon in June. No one is forcing me to change my ways or be more visible in town. These decisions are my own. I’m allowed to drop into a bar for a beer. That’s a normal thing to do. But who the hell am I trying to convince?

  The desire to be better is driving me faster than before. These needs are chasing me, hounding me with relentless efforts. The familiar path I’m on led me to a very different place two weeks ago. I reach the sidewalk and hang a right. The opposite direction offers a collection of memories that I’ve been trying to erase from existence. That’s an impossible task, especially when a coil tightens in my gut just being in close proximity.

  I’m staying the fuck away from Bronco Buck indefinitely, but there’s another bar on this same street that calls to me. It’s a safe spot where I’m guaranteed to be left alone, for the most part. The patrons at Howlers aren’t known for idle chatter or being overly social. I can blend in with the throng without trying. Misfits and outcasts. Bikers and guys from the worst side of the tracks. They find solace in the rundown tavern. I couldn’t ask for a better establishment to escape in.

  The thrum of midday traffic vibrates the ground beneath my feet. I dodge a puddle on the cobbled concrete, a sure sign that Wyoming isn’t just blue skies and rainbows. A thick sigh whizzes off my lips when a neon sign flashes at me from the end of this block. That familiar beacon hauls me in, offering a sense of security I would never admit to wanting.

  Being isolated at home for days on end remains more grueling as of late. The limited options I’ve managed to entertain myself with in the past have fallen flat. I’ve been leaving more often, for whatever excuses I can create that don’t risk an encounter with a particular breed of wildcat. Running into Keegan would be catastrophic to any semblance of progress I’ve made. A few more weeks, or months, and that woman will be out of my system. I don’t care how fast my heart races at the mere idea of seeing her. Or that my body is strung so damn tight with rampant arousal. There’s no doubt I’m being punished.