by Lila Mina
Lana growled in frustration in his nape. “Sorry, but he seems threatening and real enough. So, keeping it locked isn’t enough now? I must also feel detached? Since when can you do this when it comes to him?”
Honda chuckled, but there was no mirth in his laugh. “Never?” He forced her to look at him. “But I cannot afford this lack of discipline anymore. Not with you and the baby on the line. I — we must move past this. For all our sakes, including Yuki’s.”
Lana’s eyes narrowed, and she grimaced. “Bend the knee, then? Well, we can test this new philosophy when he comes to give both of you the mother of all scoldings. He won’t hold back, you know it, it’s going to be awful, and my heart breaks already for Yuki sama. I’m sorry, goshujin sama, but I have the feeling I’d better get ready to… attend you extensively afterward.”
Honda bared his teeth and thrusted his hips upward, ripping a moan from her throat. “Because it is sincere and legitimate worry that makes you so bold and disrespectful, I am willing to let this one go, but careful now.” He briefly closed his eyes. “I will do my best to… spare you this time. To avoid reaching the tipping point. It is too dangerous for the little one. It would be a great victory over him to remain in control.”
She exhaled and closed her eyes, cheeks burning hot with shame. “Of course, it would,” she whispered. “I didn’t wish this for you. Never. If it can help… try to take into account, we are here with you. Three of us against him.”
The fleeting contact of warm lips on her brow startled her, but when she opened her eyes, his face was turned away from hers. For a while, they remained locked together. Then he stepped away and brought her carefully down until her feet touched the ground. He adjusted his clothes and turned back in direction of the house.
Bewildered, Lana gaped at his retreating back and jumped to grab his sleeve. “Er, sorry… where are you going?”
Honda frowned at her hand on his arm. “What do you mean? We are done here.”
“I… don’t think so!” Bubbles of frustration and other untamed emotions filled her, and she stomped her foot.
“Mind your attitude! What did we talk about? We need to get ourselves together and keep our cool when confronting him.”
Lana gritted her teeth. “All right, I agree, but I came to you with a specific, real need, on many levels, and not to… play. And you deny me because of your own control issues.” Her ability to form coherent sentences was amazing given the raging indignation that burned her. “Can’t we just at least finish what we started? Or is all of this a one-way street?” To her embarrassment, tears blurred her sight.
Honda’s face closed down, and he walked back to her, disapproval radiating from his entire body.
“Her point is perfectly valid and fair, goshujin sama. You should hear her out, and above all, assist her.” Lana blinked; she hadn’t seen Yuki approach them. The lady of the house stared at her husband, not bothering to hide her exasperation, and approached them.
“Knowing my father, I can’t even begin to imagine what Lana san had to handle back there. The least we can do is to offer her the support and comfort she requires — regardless of other… selfish considerations. Sweetling,” Yuki softly brushed away a rebellious strand of hair stuck on Lana’s sweaty brow. “I’d love for you to come back inside with me but... this isn’t what you were looking for, is it?”
Lana pinched her lips and stared at the ground, doing her best to regain figments of her composure. Her arousal and desire had vanished. Only bitterness and frustration remained.
“I…” Lana glanced up and met Yuki’s sad eyes. Honesty was key. “Indeed, no, it’s not, oku sama. Not this time. Anyway. I’m past this now. Let’s not waste any more time.” Lana blocked out Honda who had yet to say a single thing, but whose bow-strung body language communicated clearly his state of mind. “Nakazawa sama will come over later tonight, oku sama, and I fear it won’t be pleasant at all. For either of you. I’m so sorry for this. It’s all my fault, it’s awful, I…”
Yuki’s finger on her lips interrupted her. “I’ll have none of this. It’s yet another difficult chapter in a long, painful story. We’ll handle it, as we’ve always done, but I don’t wish to put you through another stressful confrontation. Why don’t you stay at Gabriella san’s home tonight? You shouldn’t be alone, but you shouldn’t be here either.”
Lana tensed up, but the sincere worry and preoccupation in Yuki’s eyes pierced her heart. “It would be for the best. I have to think things through, so some time for myself will be good. I’ll be back tomorrow evening or… later, we’ll see.”
Something flashed across Yuki’s face. Anguish, sadness, regret, Lana wasn’t sure. But her companion smiled and nodded encouragingly. “This sounds good. Go now, it’s getting late, I don’t want you to run into him.”
Lana headed toward the house, without a look for Honda. I’m so tired… why… why does it have to be so complicated… All I’ve done, that I keep on doing… and of all days, today he couldn’t give me this? Is he truly blind?
Back in her room, she sent a short text to Gabriella, who replied immediately. She was alone for a few days and would welcome some company. Lana smiled despite herself.
Time for a long overdue girls’ night. Too bad I can’t binge-drink myself out of this mess.
Her travel bag was quickly filled with a couple of spare clothes. As she stepped in the hall to get to her bathroom, Honda’s silent, brooding figure blocked her way. They froze on their spots, bodies tense and jaws clenched.
Mirror, mirror…
“Before you leave, a moment of your time, please.”
Lana hesitated for a second, then moved aside to let him in. He sat in seiza in the center of her room. Basic social etiquette demanded she did the same, and she sat opposite to him at a respectable distance. Silence stretched between them, but Lana didn’t break it.
“Will you come back?”
Lana did a double take at the abrupt question and frowned. “Like I told Yuki sama, tomorrow or after. I’m not sure yet.”
“Precisely. It means it is not merely Nakazawa sama’s visit which drives you away.”
“Indeed not. But at this stage, I do plan to come back.”
“So, something, or someone, could make you change your mind, then. This short break could become… permanent.” His tone was flat, emotionless, but she wasn’t stupid.
He thinks I’m going to walk out. That Gabriella will talk me into it. Well, let’s not make it too easy for him.
Lana’s fingers gripped her skirt, and she straightened her spine. “Or, someone could convince me right now I don’t need to think about it and should simply enjoy a good time with my best friend.”
At those words, his body became even stiffer. “And what can I tell you to make up for your significant disappointment? You know there are some... expectations that will not be met. We have been through this.”
Exasperated, she sighed and tried not to roll her eyes at him. “Well, apologies are never useless. And I’m aware of the limits of our arrangement. But when did I make any kind of emotional plea out there? I assumed that whatever support I offer you would be returned in time of need. Like today. Like you promised when you demanded to be my only solution, the outlet of my own temper and urges, when I’m being pushed around like this. Obviously, I... I have problems of my own.”
Honda held her glare without flinching for a few seconds and then glanced away. His shoulders sagged as if all air had left his lungs. To her surprise, he rubbed his face before taking a slow and deep bow that brought his brow to his folded hands. The similarity with the scene on the parking lot struck her.
“Lana san, please accept my deepest apologies. I was indeed terribly selfish and self-centered. I should have been more aware of the consequences of this stressful situation for you, in tune with what you required… and not dismiss it as something lighter. You are quite correct, I failed you.”
Lana’s throat constricted, an odd and unexpected
sense of peace bloomed inside her. Painful knots loosened. She responded with a bow of her own.
“I accept them.” There was no mistaking the obvious relief transforming his body posture. “Yes, we can address the challenge posed by Nakazawa sama in a reasonable fashion that doesn’t cost us too much sanity. I can’t guarantee he’ll be unable to push my buttons, at least at first. The risk for me to become overly… aggressive and needy exists. I’ll welcome any support, yours and Yuki sama’s. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu.” She bowed again, lower this time, and he returned her move, at his usual degree.
“And you will receive it. Please enjoy your time with Gabriella san, and try to focus on other, easier things. And like Yuki said, do not worry about us tonight. It will be unpleasant and challenging, but you were the one who took the biggest risk today by disclosing the news. For better or for worse, although it does not look like it, Yuki is her father’s soft spot. Thanks to her extraordinary support and inner strength, but also his pragmatism as far as you are concerned, he will come to accept our decision. Regardless of the more or less founded… judgement he will pass upon us, and me in particular,” he added, with a touch of wry self-derision.
A glance at her clock told her it was high time for her to go. “Well, all my good wishes, then. I’ll send you a message before I come back.” Both stood up, and she collected her travel bag. “With my presentation at the workshop coming up in a couple of weeks, I’ll be busier than usual at work, so my apologies if I miss any call.”
A thought crossed her mind. “You know... this workshop is public, and the topic is parallel on what I’d like to develop for the Holdings. How about I invite Nakazawa sama to attend my presentation? I’m sure the organizers sent flyers to the Holdings, but I bet none landed on his desk. Any chance Yuki sama could drop him a note about it…? Well, not today of course,” she added quickly.
Honda grumbled something unintelligible then nodded, although he looked as if he had had an awfully bitter cup of tea.
“It would make sense and contribute to consolidate your expertise and reputation in his book. I will talk to Yuki about it and let you know.”
16 Unraveling
Careful not to make the wooden panel rattle, Lana closed the entrance door behind her. It was already past 11 o’clock, and Yuki always went to bed early on Wednesday nights. With a sigh of relief replaced by grimace for her rumbling stomach, she took off her pumps and put her slippers on before trotting to the kitchen.
Five minutes later, the microwave was warming up the dinner box she had bought at the station; she grabbed a non-alcoholic beer in the fridge. The oven pinged, and hands full with her drink and dish, she sat on her favorite bar stool by the counter.
“What an unhealthy and unbalanced meal,” commented a gruff voice from the threshold.
Startled by Honda’s appearance, Lana jumped on her seat, a big mouthful of fried chicken on the way. She recovered quickly and threw an unapologetic smirk at his nose crunched in a suspicious sniff.
“Yes, CVS kaarage is one of the worst things out there, but it’s so good, so greasy… just what I wanted. And look! Cabbage with all the vitamin I need. Would you like some? Please help yourself.” She handed him a piece of chicken with her chopsticks.
With a disgusted face, Honda huffed and took the seat on the far end of the counter.
“You can have it all, Yuki would be aggravated if I ever touched that. She already wants me to cut down my number of nomikai to two per month. Entirely unrealistic, of course.” An accusatory finger pointed at her plate. “She will also be unhappy with you. She is doing her best to prepare all the traditional dishes most suitable for expecting mothers, and this is what you pick when she is not watching?”
“And I’m so grateful, I love her food but I crave the oily and fried stuff, especially after a day like this. So that’s why it will be our… other dirty little secret,” Lana whispered with another smile. She disposed of her fast-food dinner under Honda’s reproachful stare. “Oh, can I interest you in double chocolate-chip ice cream?”
Honda’s eyes widened, and she struggled not to laugh. Even the sternest men turned into five-year-olds at the mention of chocolate ice cream.
“We don’t have this here.”
“Oh… but we do.” Lana replied with a mischievous smile. “I was at the supermarket the other day and hid this nice and sizeable pack under the frozen beans and spinach. Look…” She opened the freezer and took out a one-liter container of US-made ice cream. “You can’t beat this, I assure you.”
Honda quirked an eyebrow. “It is already half empty, when did you buy it?”
Lana pretended to think hard about it. “Oh, what, three days ago?”
Honda’s second eyebrow disappeared in his hairline. “Lana san…” he scowled, but the smile pulling at his lips told another story.
A light blush reddened her cheeks. “Yes, yes, I know. Yuki sama and Dr. Stein would be appalled. But they don’t understand how much I crave it! With no alcohol, I need to get my sugar from somewhere else. Please, try it, you’ll see why.”
Lana brought a spoonful of ice cream to his lips. Slowly, pinning her with an unflinching glare, Honda opened his mouth and made sure to systematically clean the spoon with his tongue. Lana’s core temperature jumped when his tongue moved to her finger to lap at it leisurely.
Her breath hitched, and she sucked her bottom lip. She wanted to drop on her knees and ask him what she could for him, but if he wanted her to proceed, he’d tell her so. Otherwise, she’d need to get her burst of lust under control. Unfortunately, he ended his lesson there. He let her finger go and fetched a cold beer from the fridge — a real one, to Lana’s chagrin.
“You did a remarkable job at the workshop today. I learned a lot and for all that matters, even Nakazawa sama was impressed. He told me he can’t wait to see you as the head of his international team, and for once his sentiment was genuine with no hidden agenda. You made a good judgement call by inviting him.”
Like every time the name of Nakazawa popped up in conversations these days, Lana tried to hide her trepidation. After her confrontation with the older man, and his harsh dress down of his daughter and son-in-law to reaffirm his authority, it had been a struggle to cool down and navigate around him. To her amazement, Honda had found the strength to keep himself in check without spiraling down. A testimony of his own dedication toward her and the baby.
“Good to know, and I’m glad you liked it. It wasn’t much of a challenge. I’ve given this speech a couple of times already, but it’s true the audience was larger and more diverse this time.”
“And how did it end with the guest speakers?”
“Oh, they were delighted. We put them in a taxi for the airport just before 8 pm. The debriefing took forever though. To be honest, I don’t know if I can keep doing this kind of things much longer,” Lana added mournfully. “Or at least, not with more sensible shoes, fashion be damned. My feet and lower back are killing me, my legs are tree trunks. My pelvis and body axis have begun to shift… and I’m not even showing yet!”
“You should take it down a notch,” Honda frowned. “By the way, I received information regarding aikido for pregnant women. Until your delivery, I want you to stop training at our regular dojo. I prefer to oversee your practice here, directly, and not take the risk of any overzealous kohai aiming wrong.”
Lana gulped down her annoyance. He was right. It would also avoid probing inquiries from people at the dojo.
“Thank you for looking into this. Soft practice will help me keep in shape and get ready for… the big day.”
“Yes. Also, now that three months have passed and given the positive feedback from Dr. Stein, I will inform Inoue shihan of the situation. You should expect another discussion with him soon as I am sure he will want to check for himself your state of mind. But speaking of this, there is something else we haven’t discussed yet. Have you informed your family? I imagine they will come to visit you sooner or later, and we
need to plan how to accommodate them.”
His words dropped a bucket of ice on Lana’s head, and her body turned into a knot of tension. Grimacing at the acidic taste of bile burning the back of her tongue, she glanced away. This conversation was long overdue but still, he had caught her by surprise.
A bout of anxious nervousness made her jump on her feet. To give herself a modicum of countenance, she put the ice cream back in the freezer and began to wipe the counter top with more energy than warranted.
“Lana san, what is it? Have they been difficult because of the nature of our relationship?”
Lana stopped and squeezed her eyes shut. I can’t run from this. He needs to know. I should have told him on the first day. As soon as we learned I was pregnant.
With a heavy sigh, she sat down again and stared at her tasteless beer. “I sent an email to my father. He’s happy for me but didn’t ask for more details and doesn’t care much about the how’s and the who’s. I guess he’ll drop by after the birth, but he’s a kind of loose cannon, always busy running around the world for his business. I can’t tell you when he will… grace us with his presence,” she winced. “He cares, yes, but… at the same time, he doesn’t so much. He won’t stay here in any case, he’ll go to a hotel. It’s fine. It’s even better like this.”
Unable to remain still, Lana got up and turned her back to him to prepare a cup of tea and busy herself with something. Her throat hurt, and the so-familiar pain of her acid burns shot from somewhere deep in her guts.
Another minute of silence ticked by. The other shoe dropped.
“And what of your mother?” Honda asked slowly.
Lana slammed her hands on the counter and hissed, anger rising inside her like a flash-flood, mingling with panic.
Such a simple, easy question. So natural. So fucking terrifying. What if she hears about it? What if she –?
