by Lila Mina
In a blink, Honda was pressing on her side, physically invading her space, his extreme annoyance at her reaction pouring in waves. Lana stared him down with a coldness and distance she had never aimed at him. Their high-octane tempers were roaring, but this time, she wouldn’t submit to his.
“My… mother,” she uttered, barely contained rage dripping with every word, “will never hear from me. Will never know about it. Ever. That… woman,” she spat, pressing a finger on his chest, “must never learn where I am, that I’m pregnant, or that I’ve got a child. Whatever happens, goshujin sama, never, ever try to track her down and contact her. Even on my dying bed, I don’t want to see that sick... person near me, even less around my child. If there’s one thing I may demand of you, then let this be it. More than those invisible things haunting us, she’s my demon who tortures me. In the flesh.”
She stopped as blood rushed to her ears. Her throat constricted, and she felt sick. Wavering on her feet, she grabbed the counter to regain her balance. Honda caught her elbow.
“My apologies for making you speak about this,” he whispered.
With a groan, she rested her forehead against his shoulder for a handful of seconds and shook her head.
“Don’t. I haven’t been forthcoming about this.” Lana sighed and went back to her seat before burying her face in her hands.
It’s time, girl. Time to do this. Time to spill it out. Time to see if you can really trust him after all. Not just with your body and strength. With your most debilitating weakness.
Another groan and she straightened up, locking eyes again with the father of her child.
This father of this child.
“All right, I would like to explain this mess now and I don’t want to do it ever again.”
“Proceed.” Honda sat back opposite of her, body and face hyper controlled.
Lana could have kissed him for it. Handling someone else’s emotional meltdown was above her strength right now. A deep breath helped her collect her thoughts.
Where to begin? There’s an end to this story, but where did it start? How? Oh, who cares anyway? Maybe he won’t, down the line. Maybe I’ll disgust him. But it’s too late to back down.
“My mother’s family is the epitome of old-fashioned, pre-war Italian decadence. Filthy rich. She never had to work one day in her life. Nothing held her interest, except men, perfect looks, parties and spending money on anything it can buy. Addicted to plastic surgery and to her morning cocktail of vodka and Valium. As for my father… he took off, leaving me behind. According to him, there was no room for kids in the kind of busy life he led.”
Her fingers began to fidget nervously; she curled her hands to stop them from shaking.
“She had her hands on a guy from our town in a blink. His shipping business had made him a local business king. A match made in hell. They were drunk and high on legal and illegal drugs all day long. I was fine with that. The last thing I wanted was their attention.”
Lana grabbed Honda’s beer and drank it in one gulp. It was bad, but she needed it. Surprisingly enough, he didn’t say anything.
“Very early on, I decided I’d get the hell of out there as soon as I hit eighteen. I had only a couple of friends, including Gabriella. On weekend nights, I’d dream about going far, far away, I’d teach myself Japanese by watching imported anime and NHK drama on VHS tapes. The good ol’ analog days...”
Lana’s voice trailed off. The blinking digital clock on the oven at the top of the shelves mesmerized her. “She would always criticize my looks, calling me fat, or too thin, depending on her medication. I had other sweet names, like graceless, dumb or stupid cow. I guess she felt threatened — but not appalled, mind you — by the creepy glances my stepfather threw me from the moment I turned fourteen. Lucky me, I was a late bloomer.”
The beer can was empty. Heavy silence fell in the kitchen, only broken by water dripping from the kitchen faucet that needed to be fixed. Silent, utterly still, Honda was a marble statue in front of her, face covered by shadows, but his knuckles were white, and the tendons of his forearms were like bow strings. She picked up her tale with a droning voice.
Now to the hard part.
“So, imagine my shock when, during the summer of my seventeenth year, the most popular guy of our town started courting me. One year older than me. Not just handsome; astoundingly beautiful. A swimmer, he had the body to prove it. Everyone joked he was the secret son of Neptune. I fell in love with him the minute he asked me about the book I was reading. He had the sweetest and kindest voice, full of warmth and laughter. At first, he scared me; I thought it was a prank, that he would crush my heart at a moment notice. But no, his interest was genuine. Ah… how I wish he had walked away and never met me.”
Her eyes burned, and she had to clear her throat to find her voice again.
“We spent all our time together, going for swims, scuba diving, sailing along the coast… He brought me to secret places and underwater caves, we counted shooting stars at night… He made me CDs with songs of groups I had never heard of... He told me stories, funny stories, ridiculous stories, amazing stories. A natural storyteller. His great talent, but he wanted to become a coast guard. He was my secret, what gave meaning to my life. His name was Paolo, and he would have turned thirty-nine last month.”
The last part was a whisper. Lana wouldn’t meet Honda’s eyes. She didn’t mind telling him of her one, true love, but the memories of that fateful summer flooded her mind and numbed her senses. The beer can was now a shapeless form.
“I got pregnant,” her voice turned rough. “We were young, stupid, sometimes used condoms but not always, and we were always touching, always on each other. You saw that picture… such an amazing feeling of being untouchable, immortal, with no cares in the world. Anyway. We were reckless, and should have known better... Of course, we should have known better...”
Lana’s voice broke, and her whole body began to shake like a leaf. It was still close to 25°C at night but her skin erupted with goosebumps. She rested her brow on her hands.
“I freaked out. My mother was a substance abuser, and a piece of luxury trash with no redeeming qualities. Her underage daughter getting pregnant would be a deadly sin… and above all an unforgivable social embarrassment. Paolo stepped up. He proposed to me. As soon as I’d turn eighteen, two months later, we’d elope, get married and start our life together. He’d find a job and a flat in Rome or Milan, buy us train tickets, everything would be ready in time for the baby’s birth. We just had to keep quiet. We needed money, so I began to withdraw cash, gave him some of my jewelry to sell…”
Her chuckle came out as a sob. Her monologue sounded like babbling now. “For one week or so, I had those fantasies of a beautiful family life filled with love and joy. I imagined the baby’s eye and hair color, I chose names… I was so sure it would be a girl… I was anxious, but also hopeful.” Lana choked.
Tears ran down her cheeks, but she didn’t bother drying them. Finish this! Up to the last sordid details….
Honda’s tension was like a physical force field around him, pressing on her skin and wrapping her in a hot, suffocating bubble. Still, she didn’t look him in the eye.
“A fool’s hope. Two weeks later, the weekend before school resumed, she found out. I don’t know how. The money transfers… my nervousness... I guess I got careless. Paolo had come to pick me up to go the farmer market. We were in the kitchen together, drinking a cup of coffee. Usually, those… two were comatose until past noon, so I didn’t worry. But on that day... she barged into the room. Just back from her party, reeking of alcohol, pupils so dilated by cocaine or whatever, her eyes had turned pitch black.”
A whimper passed Lana’s lips; her voice became a raspy stutter, awful images playing against her closed lids.
“She jumped on me like... a rabid beast. Slapped me twice. So hard I fell on my knees, too startled to defend myself. She grabbed my hair and… and punched my face, spitting insults. I… I was a whore, a slut! Sh
e should have killed me at birth. I had ruined everything, I was blowing it! Then she… she ki… kicked me in the ribs, took a rolling pin and struck my… my... lower belly. She was howling that no bastard trash would be born into her family!”
“Paolo was… was shouting. Caught her from behind, trying to take her off me, but angry and high, she was too… too strong for him. Right then, he arrived, hollering. He grabbed Paolo, and… sla… slammed his head on the marble kitchen counter. There was an… awfully loud cracking noise. Something wet and warm splattered on my lips... and my sweet, beautiful love... fell down on the floor, dead... mouth wide open... empty eyes staring at me.”
Eyes squeezed shut, her trembling fingers touched the bloody droplets she could still feel on her mouth.
“She continued... clubbing my stomach, but I was beyond pain. Overwhelming rage and hate: that’s the only things that made my heart beat. The baby was lost. I was bleeding. My family was dead. Those beasts had killed them. A part of me died, too…
“They left me on the floor of the kitchen. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t speak. Jaw and left arm broken. I remained there all day. Two men picked up his body at some point. They were laughing. At night, I managed to crawl, and sent a text message to Gabriella. She sneaked in, I was so afraid of what they would do to her if they caught her. When she saw me, she threw up. Later she told me I had no face anymore because of the swelling and blood. My blood, my baby’s blood, my love’s blood.
“Gabriella found the strength to carry me to her car. I don’t know how I even survived that. She drove me to a hospital, fifty kilometers away from our town. There was blood everywhere in her car, so much she had to get rid of it. She was terrified they would find me. She signed me in under a false name, said I was a tourist who had been assaulted. The surgeons fixed my jaw, orbital bone and arm. They removed one of my ovaries. They told me there had been too much internal damage to my uterus, I’d never get pregnant, neither naturally nor with medical assistance.
“I turned eighteen in the hospital. The police did an inquest, but he basically bribed everyone, up to the public prosecutor. They pretended Paolo had assaulted me, and then disappeared. The hospital reported my case, but nobody came to question me. Gabriella told me later nobody seemed to find it odd my mother didn’t look too much distressed. Nobody cared. And I never saw those animals again. After my discharge, Gabriella picked me up, and we drove to Torino. I found a part-time job at a library. I finished high school there and enrolled into university. Gabriella joined me later. After graduating, I moved to Canada. I never went back. Never told anyone.”
Lana put her arms down. The memory of her physical pain was so vivid, it almost felt real. A part of her was relieved to share her burden with him. The second man in her life who had pledged to care for her and her baby… and the first who had the skills and means to do it.
When she thought about it, it made perfect sense she had accepted his proposal. A fundamental need – no, a craving. There was a lot she was more than willing to do for it. Curse or no curse.
Silence filled the kitchen. Wary, Lana looked up. To her shock, unshed tears glistened in Honda’s eyes. Out of reflex, she raised an unsteady hand to brush his temples but stopped right before touching him.
He didn’t ask for it.
But this time, he caught her hand and brought it to his lips. It was the tipping point. A lifetime of grief and guilt, hate and rage broke her dam and wracked her with silent sobs.
17 Dictated by Fate
Honda picked her up and carried her back to her room; he placed her on her futon with surprising gentleness. He lay beside her but stayed at arm’s length. Her sobs and tears subsided; soon, the only sounds in the room were her pants of exhaustion.
“Lana san,” he broke the silence before licking his lips, a rare show of nervousness. “You said this happened twenty years ago. But when to be exact?
“Uh… Exactly twenty years ago. September 1996.”
His body stiffened, and he pushed himself up on his elbow to face her. “What… what was the day?”
She blinked. How does this even matter? “Sunday, September 8th. At around 8 am if you want to be specific,” she added dryly but then gasped when he recoiled in shock.
“No! This… this is impossible! How?” He lay back on the futon and rubbed his face. “And then again, maybe this would explain a lot…” His voice was filled with pain and wonder at the same time.
“What are you saying?” Lana began, a terrible suspicion forming in her mind. “You don’t mean that...”
Face still buried in his hands, he nodded. Then he removed them to look at her squarely, his exhaustion plain to see.
“Yes. My fateful encounter, my scar… all of this happened to me on September 8th, 1996, in the afternoon. I can’t remember the exact time, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it were at around 3 pm.”
A whimper escaped Lana, and her fist clutched his shirt. “Have we… have we been always connected then? All those years? We were… meant to become this?”
Honda blinked and let out a long hiss. “I don’t have the answer to this question. But on that day, unspeakable rage and hate filled me, too, and I also thought my life was coming to an end. I cannot say if we were meant to meet, even less if this… what we do… what we are together… is a solution or only a step toward something else. But we went through unfathomable trauma, at the same time, and look at us today.”
“But your assault was at the hand of a demon! Mine wasn’t! And frankly, I don’t see how this nogitsune could have impacted me!”
“But the coincidence is too big and impossible to ignore.”
A lengthy silence settled between them as they reflected on their troubling discovery.
“What was the name you chose for your baby?” Honda asked then, keeping on surprising her.
“Ca… Carina.” Her guts twisted like whenever she thought about the little one she hadn’t been able to protect.
“Tomorrow morning, I will make arrangements. The three of us will go to the San’en-zan Zojo-ji temple in the afternoon and we will organize an offering to comfort Carina’s soul, a mizuko kuyo. You will choose a Jizo statue to protect her and we will give prayers to O-Jizo-sama so He may guide her to safety. We will also pray for the health and protection of… our little one,” he added softly, fingers brushing her belly.
Lana’s sobs resumed; her low-burning anxiety about their current predicament mingled with her traumatic memories. She bit her knuckles to check herself and focused again on the knots embedded in the wooden ceiling.
“Yes, I’d like that very much, thank you. I wish to invite Gabriella.”
“Of course. I would like to thank her for her remarkable loyalty. You should rest now,” he advised before sitting up. Right away, she missed the comforting warmth of his body next to hers.
“I think extra release from all of this is necessary, goshujin sama. Tears are not enough. Were never enough,” she mumbled, a hand coming to rest on the small of his back to keep him from getting up.
Don’t go yet. Just a little while longer, please. Don’t leave me alone. With them. With her.
The words never passed her lips. Sounding needy was the last thing she wanted. Especially with this man.
Straightening up, Honda didn’t reply. Then, in the room barely illuminated by the lights outside, she felt more than she saw his massive body turn to face her again. He moved over her, his shape filling her field of vision. Her hands ran up and down his arms and didn’t miss the sudden muscle tension building there.
A different energy surged between them, familiar, welcome, a tune they knew well by now.
“You mean, you need another way to express your pent-up anger? Your rage and grief?” Like his body, his voice had shifted. Dark velvet. Hot lava. Filled with dangerous promises that warmed her chilled soul.
Grim, Lana nodded. In the dark, his eyes were two wells of black water. She wanted to drown in them, feel her barriers dissolve, let herself m
elt only to be remade afterward. She gripped his biceps, her body already responding to his signals.
This time, he didn’t turn away. He had heeded the warning bells.
Regardless of the sword hanging over their heads, this was why they were such a good fit. Each of them had become a powerful outlet for their darkest emotions, their endless pool of anger. Each of them took in the other’s destructive hunger and transformed it into climatic pleasure.
“Let’s be careful, little mudansha, because today, your emotions and mine are so volatile and raw… This could bring us to unsafe places for the little one…”
Lana moaned in want and shut her eyes. Her desire for him grew with each passing second. On their own, her fingers unbuckled his belt, pulled down his pants, freeing him from the constraints of his clothes.
Pain, yes. Sharp pain. Delicious pain. Teeth and blood. Nails and scars. Harsh pounding. Freedom in unchecked lust. But no. It’s too risky.
“I know,” she groaned, “let’s… let’s keep it under control but… if you could please start, goshujin sama… I want you inside me.” Oh yes, she sounded needy all right. But in a good way.
“Yes, and I want to be inside you…” Honda growled back before sliding in with a single masterful stroke, ripping a moan from her. “This was just for lubrication,” he warned in her ear, but it sounded more like a delicious promise.
“Even better,” Lana groaned in return, hands slipping under his shirt, nails digging hard on his flanks, leaving angry trails behind them.
He grunted in appreciation and bit her neck not too kindly. Both had their clothes still on, not bothering to undress more than necessary. This one was meant to be rough, quick and dirty given the circumstances.
“Get on all fours, now. Raise your ass as high as possible. Stay like this,” he grunted.
Lana buried her face in her pillow and followed suit, her underpants and tights on her ankles, her business skirt up her hips. Honda spit on her puckered hole and pressed his saliva inside with his thumb, not bothering with more preparation. It would hurt, and it was the whole point. He stood on one leg for leverage and pushed in steadily, not waiting to hear or see her reaction.
