by Lila Mina
But are they, really?
Lana gulped down hard and looked away.
Shame and anxiety surged back. Why do we need to have this smokescreen of lies between us? His… and now mine… I should be able to tell her everything… She wouldn’t judge me, she would care... But… but I don’t want sympathy… I want rage, I want oaths of blood and fury! He can do that… and it’s not what I want from her…
“Come on now, this is not over yet. Goshujin sama and the chief priest have gone ahead. Let’s join them in the garden, this will have… more meaning for you.” Yuki softly pulled at Lana’s sleeve, and the younger woman followed her to the bottom of the stairs where they put their shoes back on.
The two women took two turns on the gravel alleys of the temple grounds until they reached the garden in the cemetery dedicated to unborn, dead and sick children. Lana came to a brusque halt and gasped at the sight in front her.
Thousands of little stone statues, most of them wearing red knit clothes, were aligned in three or four rows under the shadow of tall and majestic trees. It wasn’t the first time she saw them. Jizo being the bodhisattva protector of travelers and deceased children, his statutes were a common sight by roadsides or in temples; but this time, their number was impressive, almost overwhelming.
Lana took her time walking up by them, looking at each statue, marveling that all wore different expressions. Little toys or stuffed animals had been placed next to some of them. They caught up with Honda and the chief priest who showed her the statue he had brought with him.
“This is the statue that was chosen for your child, we will place it here.” He put the light-grey granite statuette in a free spot among the others. It wore a small and peaceful smile that Lana liked right away.
Realization dawned on her; she threw a side glance at Honda who met her half-frown with a quirked eyebrow. Nothing here was done for free, and she was certain the statue was not a gift from the temple. Honda had taken care of all the expenses. She would have to talk with him as soon as they got home. It wasn’t his role to take care of that little one.
After a deep bow that the party of three returned, the chief priest took his leave. Lana kneeled to brush the statuette and marveled at its smooth texture. In her mind, her long-gone baby could be touched now, and it made her loss more real and more painful, but in a way also easier to handle.
“It’s a beautiful statue, Lana san,” Yuki murmured behind her. Contemplative minutes of silence stretched among the trio. Yuki rested her hand on Lana’s shoulder. “When you’re ready, would you mind coming with me? There’s something I’d like to do while we’re here.”
“Yuki san, I am not convinced that today is a good day for that,” her husband protested.
“No, I think it’s as good a time as any. Lana san shared something painful and personal with us, the least we can do is to do the same. You don’t need to come along if you don’t wish to, goshujin sama. I am... quite fine with handling this on my own.”
Honda huffed. “You know I will accompany you. It has been too long already since we last paid our respects. I don’t mind sharing this with Lana san but I wonder whether this will not be too… overwhelming for her, especially today.”
Puzzled, Lana stood to face her two companions. “I assure you I feel fine. If Yuki sama wishes to show me something that matters so much to both of you, I would be honored to join you. You have provided me incredible support today, I hope to do the same. We may go now, it’s all right.”
Yuki gave her a grateful smile. “Thank you. It’s just over there,” she pointed out behind Lana at the endless rows of Jizo statues.
Lana frowned and then realized what Yuki meant. Her sight once again blurry, she grazed her companion’s hand, unable to trust her voice. Yuki’s smile turned wistful, and she led the way further down the path. Lana and Honda followed her at a slower pace. Lana couldn’t bring herself to look at him.
Yuki stopped in front of a group of statues standing a little apart from the others. Her husband joined her and together, side by side, they clapped their hands twice then took a deep and long bow in front of three dark-grey statuettes. Worn out by rain and wind, they had been there for a long time. Each of them wore a handmade red knit cap.
Lana dried her cheeks and offered her own prayers, leaving enough space to the couple. Everything made more sense now; the amazing empathy pouring from them, but also why her pregnancy held such special meaning in their eyes. A few moments later, she felt Honda’s presence next to her.
“Goshujin sama,” she whispered. “My sincere condolences, I am so sorry for your loss…”
Face unreadable, Honda lowered his head, but sorrow shone in his eyes. “I appreciate your sympathy.” It was almost impossible to catch his words. “While the circumstances differed from yours, the feeling of loss was… acute, above all when it became definitive.” He struggled to maintain his composure. “You are not the only one who thought… there would never be another chance.” His hand moved to touch her lower belly but stopped in mid-air. They were in public.
Lana bit her lip, fresh tears welling up. “Some mornings, I wake up and think that this is just a dream…” she croaked, staring at her feet. “And then I fear it will turn into a nightmare, that I’ll lose this one, too… because of my wounds… because I’m almost forty… because what hangs over our heads and made this a reality... or for whatever reason this kind of things can happen... and I just can’t bear the thought…”
“Let’s take this one day at the time. We will do what we can to make everything go well. Then there are things that are out of our control… and we need to accept it, as hard, painful and infuriating it can be,” Honda said with the gentlest voice she had ever heard him use.
Blast you. You act like this and want me to keep my emotions in check? Won’t you just hold me for a second?
Lost in her turmoil, she didn’t realize she had stepped closer to him and almost done what was forbidden, given where they were… and what he had reminded her of the previous night.
Then a warm and smooth hand slipped in hers and squeezed it. A hand she had come to cherish more than she ever thought possible. A hand that broke the dangerous momentum.
“Let’s not be too sad today, sweetling. Let’s remember and mourn those who were gone before there was even time to love them properly and let’s rejoice and be grateful for this blessing we are all given,” Yuki whispered in her ear.
Lana centered herself again, squeezing back the comforting hand. Yuki was the one she should rely on for giving and receiving in an open manner, not in a coded subtext that was sometimes too confusing and contradictory to decipher.
She gave her two companions a small smile. “Both of you are right. I will reflect on this and do my best to not let my… anxiety take over.”
Honda nodded with a soft grunt. “The best way to clear one’s mind is to avoid useless rambling and focus on the present moment. Let’s engage together in mild practice back home, followed by a Zazen session. Please attend it, Yuki san. I think we could all use it after such a day.”
“Yes, with pleasure. I think it is time to go home, don’t you think? I will prepare something nurturing and comforting, then join you afterward.”
“Thank you. I will bring the car in front of the main gate. Wait for me over there.” After a final deep bow for the statuettes representing his three unborn children, Honda walked away in the direction of the parking lot. Yuki and Lana headed back to the main gate that was much closer.
“Thank you for telling me about this, Yuki sama. I’m so sorry for what you had to go through. I can’t imagine.”
“I should have done it sooner, but I didn’t know how to broach the subject. When we talked about your own experience this morning, and when goshujin sama proposed we hold this ceremony, I decided the time had come. I regret that Gabriella san didn’t feel like joining us though. I understand she helped you go through that difficult time?”
Lana lowered her eyes.
“Yes, she did. She saved my life back then. One day… I’ll tell you everything, Yuki sama. But not today. Trust me, I mean no offense.”
Yuki shook her head. “None taken. Step by step, that’s how it must be done.” The two women fell into a contemplative silence as they waited for the car to arrive. As Honda pulled over, Yuki brushed Lana’s hand. “You have a caring and generous heart, sweetling, and I love it,” she whispered before opening the back door.
A faint blush reddened Lana’s cheeks, and she sat down. Sitting alone in the back would allow her to regain some composure away from the piercing and sometimes all-too-knowing stares of her companions.
20 Drawing a Line
With shaky hands, Lana unfastened her belt then untied the knots of her dogi. It was a relief to be alone in the small and smelly changing room of the Mitaka dojo for once. To think this would be her last night here for maybe one year or more... Her composure was holding by a thread. On the mats, it had been painfully hard to keep it together in front of her comrades.
She had come up with an obscure medical reason justifying her taking a break. Out of politeness, none of her friends had asked for details, offering her instead their good wishes. She wasn’t stupid; it was the right moment to stop. For her sake, for the little one’s, above all before her bump would show.
So why do I feel like a quitter… a fucking traitor?
Tears blurred her sight while she scrubbed a wet deo towel all over her body, doing her best to look and smell presentable with no immediate access to a shower. Those people were her friends, and she had to lie to protect herself… and him. The bad taste in her mouth had nothing to do with her pregnancy for once. Between this, her heated confrontation with Gabriella, and the otherworldly clouds gathering over their heads, the price of her choices was inflating at an exponential rate.
Maybe I really need a break and should go… somewhere else? But where? And alone? Alone is good. I like being alone… right? I’m a loner, taking time for me would be so refreshing… But… Being far from them… from him… It’d be… liberating? How about downright painful!
She banged her head against the wall, exasperated with herself and all her contradictions. With a sigh of resignation, she put her black knee-length skirt, royal blue V-neck shirt and earrings on. Her hellish night wasn’t even over yet. She had to stop by their main dojo before going home.
Like Honda had predicted, Inoue wished to see her. Although the man appeared to be on her side and somewhat protective, it still felt like being called to the principal’s office.
Lana stepped out the changing room and walked toward the entrance to offer proper salutations and respects.
“Lana, wait!”
The last person she wanted to confront. She gulped and busied herself with her shoes, avoiding his eyes.
“Hey, Tim. Sorry, I’m in a hurry, I need to catch a taxi and go to hombun dojo…”
“Well, can I walk with you?”
Lana let out a small puff of breath. “Of course.”
The two friends stepped out. Silence stretched between them and became awkward.
“Lana, how sick are you, how serious is this? I can’t believe you said nothing before…”
Her stomach lurched at the concern and sorrow in her friend’s voice. “Tim, don’t worry, it will be fine. I…” Lana looked around; they were alone. Caution be damned, she needed to be honest with someone. “I meant to tell you and give you more details. It’s not something I want to share with everyone else, but you’re my friend…” She took a deep breath. “I’m not sick but pregnant.”
Eyes widening almost comically, Tim took a step back. “Wow! I mean… err… congratulations, I guess?”
With a tired smile, she gave him a kind slap on the shoulder. “Thank you. Yes, it’s a big surprise, but I’m happy.”
“So… well…”
“Who’s the dad, that’s what you want to ask?”
“Right, but it’s none of my business… so I’ll shut up.”
Lana chuckled. “Let’s say it’s complicated and that’s why I haven’t told everyone.”
“‘Complicated’, as in, you’re not in a serious relationship with the guy?”
“It’s serious all right but not a standard relationship either, and I won’t introduce him to everyone.”
“Oh. Oh! Is he… married? Lana, come on... I don’t want to be judgmental or whatever, but…”
Biting her lip, Lana did her best to curb her surge of annoyance. Her friend’s worries were legitimate. Tim, Gabriella… All of their concerns are justified.
“Well, he is, but his wife knows. We are… all in a relationship.” She couldn’t help a grin at the shocked surprise blooming on her friend’s face as he connected dots that shone a new light on her.
“Circumstances make the situation too delicate for the entire world to know. I’m a grown woman, you know, not a teenager who has no idea how things work, and I don’t need a partner — or even two — to take care of this little one. I’ll be fine on my own if I have to. Tim, can I count on your complete discretion, please?”
Recovering from his shock, the American gave her a long, assessing stare, then nodded. “Yes, of course. And you can also count on my help if anything happens. Just call me, all right? Don’t think for a second you’re alone out there. And if there’s a need for... harder muscles than yours to remind that guy of his responsibilities, I’ll be right there, I’ve got your back.”
Oh man, if you only knew…
“Thank you, I appreciate it.” She engulfed Tim in a warm hug. Her friend was happy to reciprocate the gesture. “But don’t worry, he’s the kind of man who takes his responsibilities seriously. Both do, as a matter of fact.”
“Martin san, what are you still doing here? Inoue shihan is expecting you in less than thirty minutes.”
Taken by surprise by Honda’s stern interruption, Tim and Lana jumped away from each other. Back in plain clothes, he was walking to his car. His blistering gaze seemed to pierce through Tim who gulped audibly. Lana had to repress a furious desire to roll her eyes.
“Yes, you are correct, Sensei. My apologies, I’ll be on my way and hail a taxi. Tim, let’s be in touch, okay? Let’s have a coffee or something soon.”
“Yes, my pleasure, and Yukari will be delighted to see you now and then. Take care!”
“Thanks, you too. Sensei, if you will excuse me…” Lana added, bowing respectfully to Honda, who had a sour expression plastered over his face.
“Don’t bother with a taxi, I will take you there myself. You have never been to our dojo-cho’s office, haven’t you? You will waste even more time looking for it. Come on now, it would be rude to make him wait.”
Lana hesitated but couldn’t escape it. “Thank you, Sensei, I apologize for this imposition.”
A deep frown on his brow, Honda grunted and led the way to his car. With a last glance at Lana, Tim mouthed ‘Sorry for that, good luck!’ behind the back of their instructor. She replied with a discreet shrug.
Honda waited until on they were on the road to unleash his aggravation.
“What were you thinking! Taking Johnson san in your arms? This was downright improper!”
Pinching her nose, she let out a long breath. Possessiveness and uber-controlling behavior. I don’t need this tonight.
“Why are we having this conversation? This was a gesture made out of pure friendship.” She kept her voice low. It was that or shouting at the top of her lungs.
“Friendship? Friends do not hug!”
“Yes, they do. I’ve never heard you complain when I hug Gabriella.”
“It is different! She is not —”
“What, a man? Please! With all due respect, this is a cultural problem, nothing else. People in North America, men and women, do share hugs when they are close friends. In Italy, we would have kissed each other’s cheeks! Tim showed me support, and I expressed my gratitude.”
“You are not in North America, or Italy! This is Ja
pan, this is a dojo, with rules and etiquette, and I should not even have to remind you of this. Stop with this immature behavior!”
“I’m sorry, but practice was over, we weren’t inside the dojo, and no! I won’t apply Japanese social rules to my one-on-one relations with fellow foreigners, that would be awkward and raise all kinds of flags we can’t address! And do you really want to lecture me about dojo etiquette regarding personal relationships?” Her low-blow tumbled out of her mouth, to her immediate regret.
“Martin san!”
With a groan, she pressed her palms against her eyes. Last-name calling was never a good sign.
“My apologies, that was out of line,” she muttered. Gosh, I’m so fucking tired... “But we’ve already had this conversation. Once and for all, I need you to trust me when it comes to my interactions with other men! I have no interest in anything but a friendship with Tim. I’m not seducing him or whatever you might think!”
Honda’s knuckles were white on the wheel as he made obvious efforts to check himself again. “I know that, but Johnson san’s true intent is unclear.”
With an eye-roll, she pushed against the seat headrest.
“He is not interested in me. He’s protective, acting like a big brother even though I’m older than him. It’s such a guy thing to do! But it’s often like this in the foreigner circle. Most of us are all alone here, with no family, no security net. We look after each other, above all when someone is single and pregnant,” she added. “And yes, I told him the truth, because I trust him, at least with this part of the story.”
Lana banged her fist against the window. She was losing her cool, and it never helped to draw an efficient line. A heavy and lengthy silence settled between them, filled with aggravation. They would soon arrive at destination, but she couldn’t face Inoue with a tempest bolted inside her. Gabriella’s words of warning resonated in her mind; her anguish and worry suddenly made sense.
She turned to face Honda again, back in control.
“I will not cut people loose, or transform myself into something I’m not, for the sake of meeting your standards and expectations. I’ve agreed to your terms regarding our relationship, but you agreed to respect my lifestyle. This means not just my career but also my friendships. My life includes many layers where different rules apply, and sometimes they contradict yours. You don’t have to like them but at least tolerate them, knowing I will always honor my pledge toward you. We can meet halfway, don’t you think?”
