Her Man Behind the Badge
Page 18
Jazelle glanced pointedly at her watch while trying not to let Raine’s dejected expression get to her. So far the little guy hadn’t said a word or attempted to approach his grandmother with a hug or kiss. That was because he’d learned Della didn’t welcome such displays of affection.
“I have to go, Mom. I’ll be back in about an hour to pick up Raine. He’s already eaten, so you don’t have to bother feeding him.”
Della looked over at her grandson, who was sitting stiffly on the edge of the cushion, clutching a backpack to his chest. “As long as he behaves, everything will be fine. But he needs to know right off that he can’t go outside. I just had the yard seeded and I don’t want it disturbed.”
Trying to hang on to her patience, Jazelle said, “Raine has brought a coloring book and crayons with him. He’ll entertain himself.”
She walked over to Raine and, after giving him a hug and a kiss, hurried to the front door. But before she managed to make an escape, her mother called out, “What’s so important this evening that you needed me to watch Raine?”
“I have a meeting with someone, Mom.”
Della frowned with disapproval. “A man, no doubt. Jazelle, didn’t Spence teach you anything? Men are nothing but users.”
It would be easy for Jazelle to fall into the same bitter pit her mother existed in, but she refused to live such a miserable life. For one thing, the Hollister men had showed her that there were genuine, loving men in the world. Whether Jazelle was ever lucky enough to find one was another matter.
“I’ll be back for Raine in an hour,” she said dully, fleeing through the door before her mother could throw any more sage advice at her.
Chapter Twelve
When Connor arrived at Jazelle’s, her truck was gone, so he parked to the side and settled back in the seat to wait for her return. Behind the dark lens of his aviator glasses, he studied the modest house and allowed his mind to go back to the night he and Joseph had responded to the Wallace break-in.
Connor had been flat-out exhausted that night and he’d been annoyed as hell at Joseph for wanting to make a security check on Jazelle’s house. Now he could only think of how much the unplanned stop had changed his life.
Meeting Jazelle that night had blown Connor away. Not just because she’d had a pretty face and shapely figure. No. There had been an undefinable something about her that had touched him in a way he’d not understood. Why she was the first and only woman to ever get grip on his heart, he didn’t know. Now he was faced with the long, arduous job of untangling his feelings and putting them back where they belonged.
The sound of a vehicle interrupted his troubled thoughts and he glanced around to see Jazelle parking alongside him.
Taking in a deep, bracing breath, he climbed out to meet her.
“You could’ve gone on into the house,” she told him as they met in front of the parked trucks. “I left it unlocked just in case you got here before I made it back home.”
He slipped off his sunglasses and dropped them into the pocket of his shirt, while telling his eyes not to take in the pretty sight she made standing there in the sinking sunlight.
“No problem,” he said. “I just got here anyway.”
Without so much as a smile of greeting, she started toward the porch, leaving him to follow. Clearly, she was still irked over his blunt call last night. Well, that hardly mattered now, he thought grimly.
“Have you eaten?” she asked as the two of them entered the living room. “Raine and I had a quick meal before I took him over to Mom’s. But I do have leftovers if you’re hungry.”
“No thanks.” The house seemed unnaturally quiet and he realized it was because Raine wasn’t there playing with his toys and chattering about all he’d done at the ranch. “Joe and I had a late lunch at the office.”
“Oh, you had to work today?”
“For a few hours. A couple of other deputies needed off to do some personal things, so we filled in.”
“I see.”
She was wearing the same dress she’d had on the night of the dinner party at Three Rivers. She’d looked enchanting that night and this evening was no different. But it was hardly the dress or the elegant way her hair was pinned back from her face that made him want to jerk her into his arms and kiss her senseless. No. It was the love he knew he would taste upon her lips, the longing he would feel in her arms. He wanted that more than anything.
No woman before Jazelle had even pretended to have genuine feelings for him. Now that he’d had a taste of what real caring felt like, he didn’t think he could ever go back to one-night stands, to women who only cared about self-gratification. So that left his future looking pretty damned empty.
She said, “Congratulations are in order, it seems. Everyone at Three Rivers is awfully excited about you and Joe finding the mystery woman.”
He shrugged. For Connor, being a deputy had never been about seeking praise or pats on the back. “To be honest, we got lucky.”
“No matter if it was luck. You’ve made progress and everybody is happy.”
Happy. He’d thought he’d been a happy man before Jazelle. But that was before he’d learned how it felt to be truly wanted. Now he wondered if happiness was something he wasn’t supposed to have in his life.
Giving himself a hard, mental shake, Connor walked over and sank onto the middle of the couch. Jazelle followed and eased down onto the cushion next to him.
He was trying to decide how to start when she said, “After you called last night, Connor, I’ve done a lot of thinking—about you and me. That is what you wanted to talk about, isn’t it?”
He nodded, while wishing he could tear his eyes away from her lips. Just watching them filled him with the desire to kiss her.
“Yeah. We’ve, uh, been getting pretty close these past couple of weeks,” he said then almost laughed at how ridiculous that sounded. They’d been as close as two people could get and then some.
She cleared her throat. “That’s exactly what I’ve been thinking about. We never set out for that to happen.”
Connor’s gaze dropped to her lap, where her hands were tightly linked together. The grip she had on herself was such that her knuckles were white. Was she wishing she had her fingers around his throat? He wouldn’t blame her. It was his fault that any of this had started between them in the first place.
“No. We were just going to enjoy being together. That’s all.” He hated the huskiness of his voice. It made him sound weak. It made him sound like he still wanted her deep down, where it counted. And he didn’t. He couldn’t.
“I understand that’s how you’ve always felt about it, Connor. And, to be honest, after you left the other night, I realized Raine’s and my life isn’t the sort of life you want for yourself. And having an affair with a man isn’t the sort of thing I want for myself, or for him.” She paused and drew in a deep breath. “That’s what I’ve been thinking and I... I’ve reached the decision that we shouldn’t see each other anymore.”
Connor shouldn’t have been stunned. After all, he’d orchestrated this meeting as a way to end things with her. But he was staggered that she’d turned the tables on him. In fact, he felt like someone had knocked him flat on his back and every ounce of oxygen in his lungs had left his body.
“You want us to stop seeing each other?”
Lifting her chin, she glanced to a spot across the room. “Wanting and needing are two different things, Connor. And I don’t need to mess my life up a second time.”
She looked at him and he cringed as he spotted the mist in her brown eyes. This wasn’t the way he’d expected this evening to go. He’d not planned on her doing the dumping. And he’d definitely not planned on the excruciating pain that was burning a hole in the middle of his chest.
“You think being with me is a—mistake?”
“Think about it, Connor. If by
some twist of fate I became pregnant with your child, you’d be furious. You don’t want children. You don’t want a wife. I’d end up in the same situation I went through with Spence.”
She might as well have whammed him in the face with her fist. “You honestly believe I’d be like him? That I could turn my back on my own child? I thought you knew me better than that, Jazelle. And if that’s what you really think, why in hell did you invite me into your bed?”
Hot color swept over her face. “You’re leaping to conclusions, Connor! I didn’t say you’d turn your back on your child. I said you’d be furious with me. Now come on and be honest about this. You told me more than once that children aren’t in your plans. Dear God, you didn’t even want to ask me for a date because I had Raine! As to why I invited you into my bed... I’m beginning to wonder if I’d momentarily slipped a cog or two.”
The underlying fury in her voice said more to him than her actual words.
Connor was struggling to hang on to his temper and it wasn’t just because she was pushing his buttons. No, he was angry at himself. For being a fool. For allowing himself to fall head-over-heels for this woman.
“Okay,” he said flatly, “you’re right in the fact about me having children. I’m not equipped for the job.”
Her gaze landed pointedly on his crotch. “If you ask me, you’re perfectly equipped for the job. You just don’t want to deal with what comes afterward.”
Clenching his jaw, he rose, but as he walked across the room, he realized there was no place for him to go. Not yet. Not before he explained what he was doing there.
Explain what, Connor? You don’t have to say another word except “Thank you, Jazelle. Thank you for understanding that I need out of this, that you’ve made it easy for me to turn tail and run.”
The damning voice in his head had him growling like a wary dog. He wasn’t running, he told himself. He was trying to do what was best for everyone. So why did he feel like Jazelle was tearing his insides out? Why did he feel as low as the dirt on the bottom of his boots?
Swallowing at the painful lump in his throat, he walked back over to the couch and sank down next to her.
“I’m sorry, Jazelle. You have a right to be angry with me. I’m actually angry with myself. And I don’t want us to part like that. The time I’ve spent with you and Raine has been more special to me than you could ever imagine. But you’re right. I don’t want to deal with what comes afterward. Not the love, the wedding rings, the babies. No. I’m Connor Murphy, the good-time guy.” He looked at her pale, taut face and wondered how he was going to live without seeing her, touching her, loving her. “Just tell me something, Jazelle. When did you decide we needed to end things?”
Her head bent and she was pressing her fingertips to her closed eyelids. “The other night—when you told me you didn’t want us to go to bed together with Raine in the house. I realized then that being in a family situation was making you uncomfortable. Being with me as a part of that family was making you uncomfortable. At first, I didn’t want to accept the truth. I wanted to ignore it.”
Connor could’ve told her that he’d been trying to ignore a lot of things since he’d met her. The instant attraction he’d had for her. Breaking his ironclad rule of never dating a single mother. And last, but hardly least, he’d been trying like hell to ignore the strange, unexplainable feeling he got in his chest just from being near her.
“I’ve been doing plenty of ignoring, too,” he murmured.
She lifted her head and this time her eyes were more than misty. Tears were on the verge of brimming over the lids and rolling onto her cheeks. “You see, I like you very much, Connor. I more than like you. I really care about you. That’s why—Well, when a person cares about someone, he or she doesn’t want to make that person miserable by trying to hang on, or trying to change them into something other than what they are. Don’t you agree?”
He reached for her hands and his stomach clenched with pain as he wrapped his fingers tightly around hers. “I do agree. And it’s good that we both can see that our goals and our future plans are different. But there is the matter of Raine. I told him that we’d always be buddies and I truly meant that. In spite of you and me being...over, I hope that you’ll let me see him from time to time.”
The tears had slipped and as Connor watched them spill over the edge of her top lip, he hated himself for causing her one moment of pain. Despised himself for not having the courage to try to be the man she needed.
“Of course I don’t mind,” she murmured thickly. “My only concern is that he’s going to ask why you’re not coming around—I mean on a regular basis. I’ll have to explain things in a way he’ll understand. I don’t know how I’ll go about it, but I’ll manage.”
“Don’t try,” he told her. “I’ll, uh, come by and see Raine soon. I’ll explain that...well, I’ll tell him something.”
“Fine,” she said bluntly. Then, extricating her hands from his, she stood. “Now I need to go fetch Raine from his grandmother’s. I promised him I’d be back in an hour.”
Connor stood and wondered why he felt like he’d just ran a marathon in triple-digit heat. “All right,” he said. “So I guess this is goodbye.”
“Guess so,” she said with a solemn nod. “And if you do happen to visit Three Rivers again, don’t feel awkward about me being there. As far as I’m concerned, we’re still friends.”
This is crazy, Connor thought. The two of them had been as close as two people could get. Now they sounded like programmed robots. If this was what love did to a person, then he was damned well glad he was getting out.
“Friends. Sure, why not?”
Leaning forward, he pressed a light kiss on her cheek then turned and walked out of the house before she could see the pain in his eyes.
* * *
The following week was extra busy at Three Rivers. With September’s arrival, Taggart and the hands were gearing up to move several herds from the Prescott ranges down to the more weather-friendly pastures of Three Rivers.
During this time, extra day hands were hired to help with the massive endeavor, which meant the bunkhouse kitchen needed even more food than usual. Jazelle never cooked or cleaned for the bunkhouse. The cowboys took care of those chores. It was her job to make sure they had all the supplies that were needed. Yesterday she’d spent most of the day in town, gathering up a truckload of groceries, which had meant she’d had to put off doing some of her household chores until today.
Jazelle had thought the added work would help to distract her thoughts away from Connor. But even with all the cleaning, serving meals, shopping and tending to children, she’d not been able to get the man from her mind or her heart. How did everything around her keep going at its normal pace while her whole existence had seemed to stop?
Jazelle, you were right to end things with Connor. Just like your mother has always been right about men. They’re users. And that includes Connor Murphy. He was never going to love you. Not really love you. So why grieve over something you never had?
Because, she answered the taunting voice in her head, deep down she’d held out hope that Connor would come to realize he wanted her and Raine in his life on a permanent basis. That eventually he’d come to recognize he had the makings of a good husband and father.
Everything but the “want to,” she thought sadly as she peeled a soiled sheet from Billy’s crib mattress.
“Oh, there you are, Jazelle. I’ve been searching all over for you,” Maureen said as she stepped into the nursery that joined Roslyn and Chandler’s suite of rooms.
Wadding up the sheet, Jazelle stuffed it under one arm and turned to face the woman. It wasn’t often that Maureen quit her outside ranch work before dusk. Seeing her in the house in the middle of the afternoon meant she was planning something out of the ordinary.
“Were you needing me for something, Maureen?”
Gold Cliffs was a luxurious casino located in the beautiful forested mountains near Prescott. The establishment offered fine dining and live entertainment, and though Jazelle had often wanted to visit the place, she’d never been able to afford the trip.
“If anyone deserves to play hooky, it’s you, Maureen. You work harder than anyone around here,” she told her. “The green skirt you’ve been hunting is at the cleaner’s. Remember, there was a little stain on the front.”
“Darn, I do remember now. I dropped a piece of buttered bread onto my lap. Oh, well,” she said, hardly allowing the missing garment to dampen her high spirits. “I’ll find something else to wear. I was considering that blue-leather skirt Vivian gave me for Christmas. The straight one that zips all the way down the side. Do you think it would look...well, over the top?”
Mustering up the best smile she could, Jazelle said, “No. It would be perfect. Just don’t let Gil go near the blackjack table. With his eyes on you, he’ll never be able to concentrate on the cards.”
Maureen laughed and gave Jazelle’s shoulders a one-armed hug. “Jazelle, honey, you’re good for my ego. And did Reeva tell you that I want you both to take off early tonight? No cooking dinner or cleaning up the mess. Gil and I will be gone, so will Roslyn and Chandler and the kids. Kat will fend for Blake and their bunch.”