Shakespeare on the Roof

by Anthony E Thorogood

  ***

  Twenty Three: Romeo & Juliet

  I was laid up for quite a while, my body protesting to the treatment I had given it. I couldn't use my left arm for what seemed like weeks, my shoulder had been a bit mangled, and my head was doing strange things from having a couple of roofs collapse on it. But once the world stopped spinning I slowly started to pull myself together. I phoned Kashmere a few times, Stan always answered and was enthusive and grateful but Kashmere had always just stepped out. Ollo and Sunshine came round one morning and gave me all the gossip. Lincoln, it would seem, had done some kind of deal with the police and all charges against him had been dropped, apparently there weren't many charges anyway. Not that it mattered to me, I had no intention of calling on Lincoln. Spode was definitely dead this time, his DNA had been cross checked with that of family members to prove that it was him and his body had been soaked in petrol, burnt and any ashes that remained were scattered out in space. So Spode rotates around the world looking down on us, spooky thought. Kashmere had been hurt when the roof of the bunker fell in but she had come round quickly, it was just me who had been really injured.

  The doorbell rang, which made a change from the 1812 Overture, although the doorbell wasn't nearly so impressive, I would have to do something about that. I opened the door.

  'Our super hero Jack Hamma,' said Lincoln at the top of his voice as he stepped inside. 'Man amongst men, business man, patriot, super hero.'

  'Don't let the door hit you on the arse as you leave,' I said.

  'Don't be like that Jack, I know it didn't look good for me but the police had no real case. I can tell you why.'

  'I'm not really interested.'

  'I know you've had a rough time, that had nothing to do with me, I can explain.'

  'Okay, go ahead.'

  'Well, its Old Stan really, I do legal work for him, I did some for the boys, well I knew something about what they were getting up to, not all of it, some of it, and well, I was trying to protect Old Stan, I was his legal representative so I was doing the best I could for him. I can tell you categorically that I had nothing to do with that arms dealing or any other of their shady business deals, perhaps I did turn a blind eye to what was going on and it looks like it was my fault you got thrown to the lions but I didn't mean for you to get hurt.'

  'Well I did and it's probably the end of my career.'

  'Rubbish, you're our primeval fighting spirit, one man alone pitting himself against anything the world can throw at him and you come up trumps.'

  'Come through to the kitchen,' I said, I'll grab us a beer.'

  'Good man, excellent.'

  We walked through to the kitchen, sat at the table and cracked open a couple of stubbies.

  'All this has put a spanner in the works for me and Kashmere.'

  'Why is that?'

  'Did you know that Kashmere and I went on a commando raid together? That's how we met.'

  'My God I had no idea. Mind you it sounds good to me, beats going to a pub or a disco and trying to chat up girls.'

  'It was good for a while but now, what with her brothers being killed, she won't have a bar of me.'

  'I think you've got that wrong.'

  'No, I've tried ringing a few times, she won't speak to me.'

  'Why don't you go around and see her, you could be surprised.'

  'Like I said, she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, who could blame her.'

  'You've got the wrong end of the stick.'

  'Better to get the wrong end of the stick than a jab in the eye with a sharp stick.'

  'Just go and see her.'

  'I think not.'

  'Have it your way.'

  'So, you were going to tell me how you got involved in all this mess.'

  'I did some work for the boys, they were cousins, distant cousins, but cousins. Kashmere came to me and it all started getting out of hand so I sent her to you, Old Stan didn't want the boys to get any money. I tried to back off, I couldn't represent them all. The boys wanted to get a slander case going, I didn't know what that was all about but I reckoned you might be able to sort it, I had no idea of the mess this was going to be. I still don't know the whole story, no one ever will.'

  'As far as I know,' I said, 'there was a lot of double crossing going on.'

  'We'll never know the truth.'

  'You probably know more than most.'

  'I was able to get Old Stan off the hook.'

  'What had he done?'

  'Nothing, the police just wanted to drag everyone into the case and with very little effort the charges against Kashmere were dropped.'

  'She wasn't involved in any of this.'

  'Of course not.'

  'What a bloody mess.'

  'And the police were investigating you,' said Lincoln.

  'Me!'

  'But I got them off your back.'

  'Shit, this is as bad as being in the army, people telling you what to do and checking up on you.'

  'No worries, time for some R&R, a party!'

  'Party?'

  'Garden party, my place, Saturday, about four-ish.'

  'Thanks but no thanks.'

  'Lots of lovely people for you to meet.'

  'I've met enough lovely people recently thanks.'

  'Be there.'

  'Why?'

  'Kashmere will be there and I have a plan.'

  'Last time there was a plan I ended up full of bullet holes.'

  'This is a good plan, you just leave it to me.'

  I walked from my house, down to the river bank, across the swing bridge and into the leafy exclusive inner suburbs to Lincoln's house. Lincoln was playing tennis with Mr Rolex and the two leggy girls.

  'Hi Lincoln you old con artist,' I said as I walked towards, what was hopefully, the drinks marquee. Bren, the Rolex watch, waved and shouted:

  'Mr Hamma, I've got a proposition!'

  'Let me guess,' I said under my breath, 'you have an idea for a movie.' I'm sure the man must be ten cents short of a dollar. He hurried over to me.

  'I still want to make that movie of your life. The working title is Commando. I've got Dirk Lightning to play the lead.'

  'No thanks.'

  'It would be financially very rewarding.'

  Pandora and Penelope walked over smiling their brilliant white smiles, their hair was still blonde and their legs, if anything, were even longer.

  'Hi hunky,' said Pandora or maybe it was Penelope.

  'Hey good looking,' said Penelope or possibly Pandora.

  'Hello ladies,' I said. Who cared which was which.

  'Think about it,' said Bren.

  'Not at the moment,' I said. 'I've got to love you and leave you. I have to find a glass or two of the old familiar juice, need to whet the whistle.

  'You can love me and leave me anytime,' said someone, not sure who, but it definitely wasn't Bren.

  I grabbed myself a glass of the bubbly alcoholic grape stuff and skulled it. I was still a bit stiff but hell my body was getting back to normal more and more every day and I find champagne helps with that sort of thing, so I poured myself a second glass, turned around and there she was, a picture of perfection.

  'Kashmere!'

  She took one look at me and turned to go.

  'Lincoln tells me you're doing well at Uni,' I said as I caught up with her, she turned to me.

  'You've been talking to Lincoln about me?'

  'Yes, I wanted to know how you were.'

  'Well I'm doing very well thank you. And thank you for saving my life, I'm sorry I haven't thanked you before, Grandpa tells me I've been very rude and he gets very angry at me, he shouts that you saved my life, and I am grateful, very grateful, but as you said yourself, you only did it because he asked you to.'

  'Do you really think I would lay my life on the line because Old Stan asked me to?'

  'Wouldn't you?'

  'Of course not.'

  'Well why did you do it then?'

  'Don't you
know?' I said. 'And look, I am truly sorry about your brothers.'

  'Don't be, they were evil.'

  'Isn't that why you've been avoiding me?'

  'No you idiot.'

  'We seem to be in some almighty tangle.'

  'Maybe we should just leave it that way,' she said, 'trying to undo all the knots might get us into an even bigger jumble.'

  'Perhaps you're right.'

  'Sorry to interrupt you two love birds but it's time to break off your little tête à tête,' said Lincoln. 'Time for our Shakespearian Fandangle.'

  'What's going on?' said Kashmere.

  'You'll see,' I said. 'Got to change.'

  'Are you two up to something?' said Kashmere.

  'Afraid so,' said Lincoln.

  Lincoln had decided to put on a bit of a show for the troops, he was going to get up on the roof of his house and play Juliet, I was going to strut my stuff and play Romeo. I felt I could be quite convincing as Romeo but Lincoln didn't have a hope in hell as Juliet. Someone rang a bell and everybody came out of the various marquees to see what was going on. I strode forth as Romeo:

  'But, soft what light through yonder window breaks

  It is the east and Juliet is the sun!

  See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!

  O, that I were a glove upon that hand,

  That I might touch that cheek.'

  'Ay me! said Lincoln. He was wearing a wig and a long dress and he looked a bit precarious up there on the roof. I was wearing a tunic and tights, the tights didn't leave much to the imagination and from the smiles on the faces of Penelope and Pandora I would say their imaginations were working overtime.

  'She speaks', I said. 'O speak again bright angel for thou art

  As glorious to this night, being o'er my head,

  As is a winged messenger of heaven.'

  'O Romeo Romeo wherefore art thou Romeo?' said Lincoln.

  'Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?' I said.

  'Tis but thy name that is my enemy,

  O, be some other name!

  What's in a name, that which we call a rose

  By any other name would smell as sweet,' said a lovely, sweet female voice, sweet with a hint of an American accent.

  'Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized,

  Henceforth I never will be Romeo,' I said.

  'What man art thou?' said Kashmere, she had climbed up on the roof and, I must say, she made a much prettier Juliet, I could really get into my role as Romeo now.

  'I know not how to tell thee who I am,' I said and swung myself up on the verandah post. I got a footing on the roof and went to stand next to Kashmere, or should I say Juliet.

  'Art thou not Romeo and a Montague?' said Kashmere.

  'Neither, fair saint, if either thee dislikes'.

  'How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?

  The orchard walls are high and hard to climb?

  And the place death, considering who thou art.

  If any of my kinsmen find thee here.'

  'With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls;

  And what love can do, that dares love attempt

  Therefore thy kinsmen are no let to me.'

  'If they do see thee, they will murder thee.'

  'Alack, there lies more peril in thine eyes

  Than twenty of their swords.'

  'I would not for the world they saw thee here.'

  'I have night's cloak to hide me from there sight.'

  'By who's direction found'st thou out this place?'

  'By love.'

  'Oh gentle Romeo, if thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully,' said Kashmere moving away from me.

  Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear,' I said and moved back towards her.

  'Jack!' yelled Kashmere in panic.

  I got so carried away as Romeo in tights that I didn't realise I had walked onto the skylight. It broke, I fell, landed on the fridge, fell off the fridge, hit my head on a table and crashed onto the floor. I blacked out for a couple of minutes, when I came to Kashmere was holding me in her arms and showering my cheeks, my nose, my eyes, my mouth with kisses.

  'This could be the start of a beautiful friendship,' I said.

  ***

  The End

  That's all for now folks but you can read the next book in the series: In Bed with Jane Austen. Jack Hamma receives an emergency phone call to escort a seventeen year old girl home from school but the Russian mafia has other ideas.