The List

by Alice Ward

  The fierceness in his voice was so strong that I thought I’d imagined it. When I turned to face him, though, I found him looking at me with an intensity that I’d never seen before. His face vanished into intermittent darkness and light as the car passed by street lamps. Each time his eyes appeared again, they were still fixed on me, staring me down. Gazing into my soul. Winning me over.

  No one had ever called me theirs before. I’d been a girlfriend, but I’d never belonged to someone. Not in the way Xavier made it sound like I belonged to him. He made me feel important. Needed.

  With a start, I realized that I hadn’t thought of Jesse all week. The ex-boyfriend who absorbed my thoughts for well over a year was finally gone and in the past. I’d moved on, and it was because of Xavier.

  “You need to be protected,” the man sitting next to me said.

  “Do I?”

  He blinked rapidly, like the answer was only obvious. “Of course.”

  He reached across the seat and laid his hand on mine. With his thumb swirling soft circles across my skin, it would be difficult to say no to anything he proposed. I sighed and closed my eyes, enjoying the wave of relaxation that rippled through me at Xavier’s touch.

  It occurred to me the driver was only a couple feet away. There was no way he hadn’t heard everything Xavier and I had just said. The thought made a round of laughter burst from my lips. I opened my eyes to see Xavier looking at me in pleasure.

  “That’s better.”

  I quelled the laughter and nodded my head toward the front seat. I didn’t have to say anything. Xavier understood what I was getting at, though he didn’t seem perturbed at all over the thought of someone listening in on our conversation. He lifted a shoulder and smiled like it was no big deal at all.

  I blinked my eyes to dry up the tears that were starting to collect there. “I understand what you’re doing. And thank you. It’s just that your methods are a little… harsh.”

  Xavier dropped his head back and looked at the roof. “I’m not going to agree with you.”

  “I see that. How about we agree to disagree for now, and talk about it more in the future?”

  “I can adhere to that.”

  “Good.” I squeezed his hand. He winced at my touch. Confused, I looked down just as we passed a pool of light. There was a bruising on his knuckles that I hadn’t noticed before. “What happened?”

  “With what?”

  “Your hand. It’s all bruised.”

  “Oh.” He drew his hand away from mine and held it up for inspection. “I didn’t notice.”

  “You didn’t feel it? How did it happen?”

  “I was boxing the other day. At the gym. I missed the punching bag and hit the wall. It happens sometimes.”

  “Ouch.”

  He retracted his hand even further and massaged the top of it. “It comes with the territory.” He leaned down and looked out the window. “We’re almost there. Are you hungry? Did you eat dinner?”

  “Yeah, but it was hours ago.”

  “I’ll order you something and have it delivered. What are you in the mood for?”

  I shrugged. For some reason, I couldn’t get his bruised knuckles off my mind. Him saying he didn’t feel them seemed like it had to be a lie. How could you punch a wall and then just forget about it?

  “Riley.”

  “Uh-huh?”

  “You’re capable of making decisions. Remember?”

  I smirked. “Chinese. I want Chinese.”

  Xavier’s mouth broke into a full smile as the car came to a stop in front of his building. “Excellent choice.”

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Xavier

  The darkness seemed to move along the ceiling, ebbing and flowing, then transforming and taking on animalistic shapes. I turned away from it and faced my bedside clock. Five past one. Next to me, Riley slept peacefully on her side, the sheet slipped down to reveal her bare back. I watched her shoulder rise and fall, the movement so slight it was barely noticeable.

  I had planned to wait to contact her until Friday, but I couldn’t hold out any longer. I needed to touch her, to feel her soft flesh against mine. I needed to know she was all right. The text about the watch had been partly a ruse. I did lose my watch, but I didn’t give a fuck about where it might be. I had half a dozen more sitting in my walk-in closet.

  I didn’t know what I was thinking when I called my driver and had him take me over to Crumbs. I wasn’t thinking. That was the answer. I was just going crazy. I’d needed to set my eyes on Riley before I completely went off the deep end.

  This wasn’t me. I’d turned into a man I didn’t recognize. Every moment of my life had been about control. It began early on, when I was a small child. I’d looked around myself, saw the adults near me going about their lives without any hold over their own behaviors, and vowed I would never be like them. I would understand my impulses. I would contain them. I would pursue only things that were of real help to me. Even though, as a kid, I didn’t have the words to articulate this to myself, I’d still felt the real desire being born in me. I would be better than what I saw, and no one would stop me.

  And now I’d failed. I’d let my goals take a backseat to a fling with a woman. No permanent harm had been done yet, but I could see it coming. It wouldn’t be long before my work would begin to suffer. Soon, I’d wake up one day and find myself part of a couple. There would be no more me anymore. The Xavier who made his own decisions and did what he wanted, when he wanted to, would be gone.

  Fear burst through me. I tossed the sheet off and grabbed my boxers. Yanking them on, I quickly left the bedroom. I needed to hear someone else talk. The voices in my own head were driving me insane.

  Taking my phone from where I left it in the foyer, I went into the dining room, which was the area most removed from the master bedroom. I knew a number of people who were probably awake, but I wasn’t in the mood to shoot the shit with Julian or another friend. They would want to know exactly why I was calling so late.

  That left only one person. And it was good timing, too, because I hadn’t talked to my mother in over a month.

  I dialed her number and listened to the rings. Night owl tendencies must be genetic because, like me, my mom rarely went to sleep before two in the morning.

  “Hey, doll,” came her sudden answer.

  The old nickname made my chest ache, and not in a good way. It reminded me of my childhood, a time which should mostly have been erased from my mind.

  “Hi, Mom. How are you?”

  “Good, good,” she drawled in her South Carolina accent. “How’s the big city?”

  “I wouldn’t know. I don’t get out much, unless I’m going to work.”

  “How’s Julian?”

  “He’s good.” I paused. She didn’t pick up the conversation. There was an elephant in the room. It was the one thing I always, without exception, brought up in our rare conversations. “What’s going on with Dad?”

  The last word felt wrong on my tongue. Dad. That was supposed to be a sweet word. An endearing one. For me, it wasn’t, and it never would be. It came with far too many negative associations.

  “The plant laid him off.”

  “Laid him off or fired him?”

  She didn’t like that. I could tell by her silence. I pressed back the curse before it left my lips. Not even one minute into the conversation and I already knew not a damn thing had changed back home.

  I couldn’t be nice anymore. I had to say what was on my mind. “Did he show up to work drunk again? Is that why they let him go?”

  “He’s stressed out, Xavier,” she said sharply. “You know about his heart condition.”

  “Yeah, I know that it’s missing and that he probably did that to himself. It’s called karma.”

  Her harsh exhale rumbled over the line. “When are you going to—?”

  “When are you going to leave?” I interrupted.

  “You think it’s so simple.” Her voice grew thick as sh
e started to cry.

  “Christ,” I breathed, leaning back in my chair, and running my hand over my face. “Don’t cry, Mom. I didn’t call to upset you. I needed to make sure you’re all right.” There was some anger in my words, but I couldn’t hold it back. This woman made me feel powerless, and when I was in that state, I invariably became furious.

  “We could use some money.”

  I gnawed on the inside of my cheek. I knew that one was coming. “There’s an apartment here waiting for you. You know that. It’s already paid for. You say the word, and I’ll have new furniture in it tomorrow. I’ll send a plane to get you.”

  “You know your dad doesn’t want to move to the city. The smog ain’t good for his lungs.”

  “It’s not for him,” I answered through gritted teeth.

  It was the same old conversation we always had. It differed slightly each time I picked up the phone, but it was always a tired reenactment of the same drama. My mom always tried to win over my sympathies in a roundabout way. But it wasn’t empathy for her that she was trying to garner. It was for my father. A man who didn’t deserve even a shred of my pity.

  “He’s not taking losing his job well,” Mom went on.

  “You mean he’s hitting you again.”

  “Xavier Michael Fields,” she hissed. “Are you not hearing anything I’m saying? He’s your father, and he’s in need. You have billions of dollars, and all it would take to help us out is a little bit of that...”

  “I know how much it would take,” I interrupted. “I also know that if I gave you some money, even if I sent it directly to you, it would end up in his dirty hands. He’d take it from you, just like he always does.”

  “We’re married. What’s mine is his, and I know that’s hard to understand, but it’s time you tried.”

  “Are your bruises his? Was that broken wrist he gave you his? Because from where I’m standing, Mom, it doesn’t look like they are. He’s given you all this pain, and you’ve had to carry it on your own. He didn’t even drive you to the ER when he broke your wrist. I drove you. And I was thirteen. Remember? I didn’t even have my driver’s permit.”

  “You were always good to me as a boy, I know. So why can’t you be good to me now?”

  My free hand twisted into a fist. I pressed the bottom of it into the top of the table, putting so much force into it, it was a surprise the wood didn’t splinter. “I am trying to take care of you. That’s why I’m calling and asking you to come here. Leave, Mom. Leave before you’re one of those dumb women you hear about on the news who stayed and paid for it with their lives.”

  “Don’t you call me dumb,” she snapped. “I’m still your mother, and I deserve some respect!”

  “That’s not what I meant. You’re twisting my words.”

  “Well, you’re not exactly giving me much to work with. Call me back when you can talk to me with respect.”

  The line went silent. I pulled the phone away from my face and looked at it, just to make sure she really had hung up on me. And she had. She was gone.

  “Fuck,” I roared. I wound my arm back, ready to release the phone and send it flying into the wall. Right before my grip released, though, I realized how destructive I was being. Just because my parents were insane didn’t mean I needed to be too.

  I set the phone down on the table before I changed my mind. Fury pulsed in my veins, making me grip my hair. I needed to get this anger out, but there was nothing to be done. I could get dressed, go downstairs, and hit Enigma. It was still open for a couple more hours. If I didn’t find someone to fight there, there were several other clubs I could hit up.

  “Xavier?” I jerked in my seat and turned around. Riley stood in the doorway, wearing her panties and one of my t-shirts. “Are you all right?”

  I’d almost forgotten she was here. She shouldn’t see me like this. No one should see me like this. My parents were fucking disasters, and I was halfway as bad as they were.

  I turned away from Riley before she had a chance to properly see my face. “I’m fine.”

  “I heard you yelling.”

  “I’m fine,” I said again, keeping my voice as calm as I could.

  “Okay,” she murmured. “Do you want me to stay up with you?”

  My chest tightened. I almost said yes, but the squeezing sensation in my lungs became even stronger. I didn’t share my family problems with anyone. They didn’t define me, but some people might have made the mistake of thinking they did.

  “I’m fine. Go back to sleep.”

  “All right.” There was pain in her voice. It hit me like a jagged knife, slicing me open and making me bleed more than I thought was possible. It was pain just like the kind my mother walked around with on a daily basis. Pain like the kind I inherited from my parents.

  There was nothing I could do for Riley. I wasn’t a magician. I wasn’t even a monogamous man. I couldn’t give her what she wanted, and she couldn’t fix me. I could tell her all of this, but she wouldn’t understand. She’d fight back. She’d argue that I had it all wrong, that people could change, that things could get better.

  But I already knew things didn’t change that easily. I’d been trying to get my own mother to change for the last thirty years, and I still hadn’t had any luck. I listened to Riley’s footsteps as she padded back to the bedroom. Finally, I was alone. Just like I needed to be.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Riley

  Banging woke me up. It sounded like someone opening and closing drawers as hard as they could. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I rolled out of bed and found my clothes. They smelled of yesterday’s shift, but there was nothing to be done about it. After pulling my pants on and buttoning up my shirt, I followed the noises through the penthouse.

  The source of the noise was Xavier. He was in a small room I’d never been in that looked like a home office. He extracted a folder from a filing cabinet, shut the drawer, and turned around. “You’re awake.”

  “Yeah.” I smiled and leaned against the door frame. “I think I was way behind on sleep. I don’t usually stay in bed so long.”

  He went to the desk in the center of the room and put the folder into his briefcase. “I need to get going.”

  The tone of his voice made me stand up straight. “Sorry. I didn’t know you were running late.”

  “It’s fine.” He walked across the room, his gaze on the floor. As he passed by me, it was like an arctic chill followed in his wake. Something was very wrong.

  In the second it took me to turn around, he was already halfway down the hall. He disappeared in the direction of the living room. I went and got my things, then put on my shoes. I couldn’t have done anything to piss him off. When we’d gone to sleep the night before everything seemed great.

  Maybe I was being paranoid, but I couldn’t help but take this sudden turn of Xavier’s mood personally.

  He waited at the door for me, his face in his phone.

  “I’m ready,” I announced.

  He looked at me for the first time that morning, but his face was dead. There was a facade there, a bland and emotionless mask. “Let’s go then.”

  On the elevator ride down, I tried to think of something to say. “How did you sleep?”

  His lips twitched. “Well.”

  “Even though you woke up in the middle of the night?”

  He adjusted the lapels of his suit. “I do that often.”

  I was trying to get him to throw me a bone. What was he up doing during the night? And why was he now in such a sour mood?

  Xavier pulled his phone back out. “Want me to get you an Uber?”

  “Um, no. I feel like walking.”

  “To Brooklyn?”

  “Just for a while, and then I’ll get on the train.”

  I didn’t want to say that accepting anything from him in that moment felt wrong. His chilly attitude was already making me feel like I’d imposed by staying the night… even though he was the one who’d asked me to sleep over.
>
  The elevator doors opened, stealing away the rest of our time together. Xavier’s shoes hit the lobby’s floor with quick smacks. I hurried to catch up with him.

  “Have a good day,” he said as the doorman opened the door for us. It was the nicest sentence I’d heard from him all morning, but like all the others, it was delivered without feeling.

  “You too,” I dumbly said, coming to a halt on the sidewalk.

  Xavier kept his eyes on his phone as he walked to his SUV. He didn’t even have to break eye contact with the screen to open his car door because his driver did that for him. I made myself turn and walk in the opposite direction. I was not going to stand around and watch him roll out like I was that lovesick girl in Les Mis.

  I pulled my phone out and sent Ann-Marie a text as I walked. On Fridays, she didn’t have to be at her office job till ten, so I gave her my whereabouts and asked to meet up.

  Twenty minutes later, I sat in an eastside diner waiting for her. The location we’d picked was a ten-minute walk from her office. I fiddled with the salt shaker and stared out the window. My head was a mess of thoughts and my heart a jumble of emotions. The only thing I knew for sure was that I was getting yanked around. Xavier was playing games with me, even if he was deliberately trying not to.

  Ann-Marie blew into the diner with six-inch heels and her best white blouse. I waved her over and watched as she settled herself into the booth across from me. She lightly dabbed at the corner of her mouth. “Did my lipstick smear?” she asked by way of greeting.

  “No. You look great.”

  “So do you. What color are you wearing? Blowjob nude?”

  She grinned, but the joke made something inside me snap. Big tears pushed at my eyeballs, and my chin began to tremble.

  Ann-Marie’s eyes went wide. “Jesus. I’m sorry.”

  I grabbed a napkin from the silver dispenser and turned my face down so the waitresses and other patrons wouldn’t see me cry. I quickly wiped away the tears and made an attempt to compose myself.

  “Oh my God,” Ann-Marie breathed. “You’re already crying over him? Oh, this is bad.”