The List

by Alice Ward

  Delphine surreptitiously checked the guy out. “Blond. Kind of effeminate.” She started laughing again.

  “Oh.”

  “That’s not your type?”

  “No, I just...” Was hoping it was someone else. “I’m just tired of customers hitting on me.”

  “Join the club.” She secured her pile of receipts with a paper clip and stood up. “I’m going to get started on the ice. You got the bathrooms?”

  “Yeah. I’ll do them last thing.”

  Delphine winked. “Good thinking. You wouldn’t want to clean them only to have some drunk guy pee all over the walls.”

  She walked off to take care of her side work. I slowly slid off my stool, stuffed my receipts into my black book, and refastened my apron. When I turned around, I nearly fell over backward.

  “Sorry,” the guy standing a few feet away said. He reached his arm out and momentarily touched my elbow. “I didn’t mean to surprise you. I just didn’t want to interrupt what you were doing.” He gave me a lopsided grin.

  Going purely off the blond hair and pink button-up, I assumed this was the guy Delphine was talking about.

  “It’s all right,” I told him. “Don’t worry about it.”

  “Still, I feel bad.” He squinted his eyes and studied my face. “Sorry, I don’t mean to stare. It’s just… I saw you over here, and you look so familiar.”

  “Do I?” I gazed back at the man in front of me, trying to figure out if I’d seen him around anywhere. “I’m sorry, but I don’t recognize you. Where do you think you might know me from?”

  He snapped his fingers in excitement. “I know! Do you know Xavier Fields?”

  My heart twisted in agony at the name. It was one thing to have it constantly on repeat in my head and another to have someone else say it out loud. Those four syllables burned my ears, a painful reminder of what I might have had but never would.

  “Yes,” I responded, pulling my shoulders back straighter. “I know him.”

  “Oh, cool. I’m Seth Wasser.”

  He extended his hand, and I shook it. “Riley Carson.”

  “I saw you two together, maybe about a week ago. You were having coffee. I would have come over and said hello, but it looked like you two were having a pretty important conversation.”

  “Oh.” I sounded like a dumbass, but I couldn’t get anything else out. My heart was still spasming in pain, and my brain wasn’t working right.

  Seth seemed completely oblivious to the effect the conversation was having on me. He stuck his hands in his pockets and kept grinning. “So, how do you know him?”

  “Just from… around… a club. We met at a club.” Talking about Enigma was almost as painful as talking about Xavier, since it was the place we met. I glanced over Seth’s shoulder, hoping some new customers had come in. I desperately needed to escape this conversation. Unfortunately, the bar was even emptier than it had been ten minutes ago.

  “Nice, nice. He’s an interesting guy. Are you two…?” Seth raised an eyebrow and waited for me to answer the unfinished question.

  “No,” I said tartly. “We’re not.” I sucked in a burning breath and crossed my arms.

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean to assume. I just saw you together, and I thought—”

  “Nope. Nothing is going on with us.”

  Seth kept going, waving his hand, and talking like he hadn’t heard me. “I mean, I see Xavier with a lot of girls, so it’s hard to know sometimes. They could be the flavor of the minute or just a friend, or, you know… anything else.”

  I bristled. “I’m definitely none of those things.”

  “Ah.” His eyes started to dance in a new way. “I know this might be a bit forward of me, but would you like to get drinks sometime? At somewhere other than the place you work?” He smiled wide, looking extremely pleased with himself.

  I bit down on my bottom lip so hard I felt skin tear. “That’s nice of you, thank you. But I’m not really dating right now.”

  “I understand. It could be super chill. No pressure whatsoever. It’s just that you seem like a nice girl.”

  The casualness of his words did something positive to me. Seth wasn’t suave like Xavier. He was not eloquent and slick. He was real, and I found myself liking it. Still, it had only been a week since everything went down with Xavier. I’d need at least a couple more months of sitting on the couch eating ice-cream and watching Sex and the City before I could think of dipping my toe back into the dating pool. I’d waited a year, and my first attempt blew up in my face. If there was such a lame thing as PTSD from dating, I was pretty sure I had it.

  “Thank you,” I honestly responded. “If it were another time, I would probably say yes. There’s just a lot going on in my life right now.”

  “I understand.” He pulled a white business card out of his pocket and offered it to me. “Hit me up anytime you like. Again, it can be super chill. Do you like sailing?”

  “I don’t know,” I laughed. “I’ve never been.”

  “Perfect.” He grinned, showing off a row of straight, white teeth. “I could give you a lesson.”

  I glanced down at the card in my hand. Seth’s name, phone number, and e-mail was printed on it, but nothing else.

  “I hope to hear from you soon.” He gave me a kind of two-finger salute as a goodbye and walked away. I watched him cross the floor and exit the bar.

  Not five seconds later, Delphine was at my side. “Was that creeper hitting on you?”

  “He was actually nice.”

  “Hmm.” Delphine’s lips twisted. “If you say so. Hey, table four just got sat. You want it?”

  “Yeah, I’ll take it.”

  I tucked Seth’s card into my apron and went to greet the new party. Business picked up slightly, and I spent the rest of the night stabbing tickets and refilling beer pitchers. The whole time, though, I was aware of Seth’s card burning a hole in my apron.

  I probably wouldn’t call him up, even once I felt ready to date again. Still, being asked out was nice. It brought back a little bit of the hope I’d felt earlier in the day. My life would feel right again soon. Knowing I could be in the dumps but still look forward to the future brought the first genuine smile in a week to my face.

  CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

  Xavier

  I weaved my way through the crowd and toward the DJ booth. Benji saw me coming and removed his headphones.

  It’s too loud, I mouthed at him. He nodded and sent a signal to the guy in charge of the speakers. I turned and stalked back to the bar, where nothing had changed. Enigma was crowded as fuck. Somehow, despite the fact that we distributed a set number of invitations each day, the club was packed. Every person invited tonight must have also brought a plus three.

  Seeking to get away from the throng, I wound my way upstairs. I’d been spending every night of the last week at the club. Basically, if I wasn’t at work or the gym, I was here. With the exception of the necessary car rides, there was no in-between time. It was good. I preferred it this way.

  Because Riley hadn’t gotten in touch since she basically ran out of the coffee shop, I had to assume things were good and done between us. One week was too much time. I refused to wait around for her to come back and agree to take me up on my offer to keep things low-key between us. I’d never waited around for a woman for more than five minutes, and I wasn’t about to start now.

  Unfortunately, my subconscious wasn’t of the same mindset. Each night spent apart from Riley had been marked with dreams about her. Mostly, we were back at the lake in Connecticut, either sitting in front of the fire or down in the water.

  The water scene was the most frequent one. It played more or less as it actually happened, except in the dream I said more than I did in real life. I told Riley that I didn’t want her to go, that her belonging to me was inevitable and that I planned on doing whatever was necessary to make things right.

  It was all pretend, of course. The dreams were representative of the weaker side of my
self. We all had a fallible side to our psyches. I was just usually much better at keeping mine in check.

  Throwing open the door to the office, I found the place empty. I thought I wanted to get away from the noise downstairs, but the second I saw the bare room I realized nothing would make me feel better. I probably needed to just give up for the night. Neither Julian or Davis were there, and they were about the only two people I could see myself able to have a conversation with.

  Backtracking, I went back to the mezzanine. There was a new group in the VIP section, but one of the heads was more familiar than the others. Seth stood up from his table and waved me over. My feet itched to turn around and keep walking, but I hadn’t spoken to him all week. Not since we put Riley’s information into the database. And damn it if I wasn’t curious to find out what was going on with him.

  He sidled away from his table as I made my way over to him. One of the girls, who looked like a supermodel, watched after him with a pout on her face. Seth blew her a kiss and turned back to greet me.

  “Hey, man. How’s it hanging?”

  “How many invites were sent out today?” I barked out.

  Seth recoiled. “Jesus. Hello to you too. I’m not in charge of the invites. That’s Matt’s area.”

  “It seems like a lot.” I looked at the main area below us.

  He shrugged. “Again, fuck if I know what’s going on. But it’s a real party tonight. Hey, two of these girls over here are Victoria’s Secret Angels. You wanna get in on this? The brunette is your type.”

  I glanced past Seth’s shoulder and saw the girl from before still eagerly watching him. “I’m heading home.”

  “Your loss.” He took a swig of the beer in his hand. “Oh, hey. I saw that girl. Riley.”

  An electrical current ran through me, paralyzing my limbs and mouth.

  “I like her,” Seth went on. “She’s kind of feisty. I bet she’s wild in bed. Am I right?”

  I pressed the tip of my tongue against my teeth, feeling more like biting Seth’s head off than answering his question.

  “Well?” Seth asked.

  “You… asked her out?”

  It was the PG version of the question I really wanted to ask. Although I willingly gave Seth Riley’s information the week before, something about it didn’t seem real. There had been the possibility of him getting up with her, but I hadn’t allowed myself to think about that. But now, hearing that he’d actually made a move made a world of difference.

  Seth was wrong for Riley. She didn’t deserve to have a smarmy bro like him pawing all over her. Fuck, no woman did.

  “Yeah, yeah,” Seth said, looking extremely pleased with himself. “I asked her out. She kind of played hard to get. She likes to be that way, huh?” He grinned wide. “I love that shit.”

  Heat rolled in my stomach and shot into my hands. I curled my fingers in tight. I was two seconds away from punching Seth in the face. The guy was oblivious to my mood. He went on and on, waving his beer bottle around while running his mouth. He was probably still talking about Riley, but I didn’t hear anything he said. The noise of the club had turned into a buzzing similar to that of a beehive.

  Without saying goodbye, I turned and took the stairs at a run. I already knew where I was headed. Questioning myself was unbearable. The pounding in my temples and the tightness in my chest made it impossible to think straight.

  Seth. Riley. Together. Riley with other men.

  It was wrong. It was all so, so wrong.

  I didn’t take the time to wait for my driver. I rushed out into the street and hailed a cab. Giving the cabbie the address, I fell back against my seat and closed my eyes. One… Two… I tried the counting technique that sometimes calmed me down. Tonight, though, it didn’t work. Nothing worked anymore. Not distracting myself at the office or the club. Not beating the shit out of losers in the alley.

  There was one thing I needed, and there was no substitute for it.

  Rain started to come down as we crossed the bridge into Brooklyn. Traffic became lighter with each block covered. It was almost two in the morning, and Riley’s neighborhood had settled down for the night. I tossed the driver some cash and jumped out. The drizzle had turned into an all-out storm. Fat, warm raindrops hit the back of my neck and slid down my collar.

  I went to hit Riley’s buzzer but thought better of it. I didn’t want her roommate waking up and talking Riley out of letting me in. Instead, I hunkered down under the front’s overhanging and called Riley’s phone.

  It rang on and on. Just as I was sure she wouldn’t pick up, a groggy voice answered. “Hello? Xavier?”

  “Riley.”

  “What are you doing? It’s so late.”

  “I’m downstairs. Let me in.”

  A heavy silence followed.

  “Let me in,” I repeated.

  “You’re… downstairs?”

  “Yes.”

  Another moment dragged by. I was well aware that Riley might hate me right now. I could understand her point of view too. I wasn’t a revealing person. Perhaps she’d hoped I would be. Just like she’d hoped I was the kind of person who’d stick around on a regular basis.

  I didn’t have any justification for doing what I was doing right now. Riley and I had both already seen the light. We were two different kinds of people who wanted very different things. That fact right there should have settled everything between us. But yet here I was, doing something I hadn’t thought through for reasons I couldn’t comprehend. It was like someone else had taken over my body.

  “Okay,” she finally said. “Hold on.”

  I took in the first real breath that I had since calling her. The line went dead, and a minute later I saw her through the glass, coming down the dimly lit hall. Her hair was disheveled, and there were bags under her eyes, but to me, she looked better than she ever had.

  She unlocked the front door, and I pushed my way inside and out of the rain, bringing a puddle with me. Riley looked me up and down, her eyes wide.

  “What are you doing?” she asked.

  Since there was no real answer, I didn’t bother with trying to look for one. Instead, I stepped forward and pulled her into my arms. Her chest pressed against mine and our lips collided together. I was soaking wet, but there was no resistance on her part. She kissed me back right away, her arms going around my neck and holding me close.

  I lifted her off the floor as we kissed, and she wrapped her legs around me. Her tank top and soft pajama pants were getting wet with rain water, but she didn’t seem to notice. The hunger in her kiss told me she craved this as much as I did.

  I pressed her as tight to me as I possibly could, but it still wasn’t enough. Thoughts of what might have happened over the last week swarmed my head. Had Seth touched her? Had any man touched her?

  Riley Carson was mine, even when we weren’t together. Even when circumstances pulled us apart. There was no denying that she was meant for me and no other man.

  I instinctively walked for the staircase as we kissed. If I got my mouth off her for one second, she would speak. She would ask what was going on. She’d want to know if I’d changed my mind about us. Since I didn’t have any answers, I just needed to keep kissing her. I needed to keep our lips locked and my hands all over her body until the rest of the world faded away.

  I stumbled against the bottom stair, and Riley disengaged herself from my arms. Jumping onto the first step, she took my hand and pulled me upstairs. Apparently, she was as eager to avoid talking as I was. We burst through her apartment door and into her living room. It was the first time I’d been inside where she lived, but there was no opportunity to check the place out. Riley guided me across the room and through an open door.

  She closed the door behind us and then we were on each other again. My hands were in her hair, and I was lying her down on the bed. Her familiar smell and taste overwhelmed me. I thought of Seth getting even one whiff of her delicious aroma and fury seized me. I gripped the back of Riley’s hea
d harder and crashed my teeth against hers.

  Pinning her against the bed with my weight, I pushed down the waistband of her pajama pants. She was hot and ready for me. I drove a finger between her soft folds and took what was mine. Riley whimpered against the harsh touch, but it was the sound of pleased pain. I explored her completely, fucking her with my hand and reminding her that no one could do it like I did.

  Taking my mouth down, I raked my teeth along the sensitive skin of her neck. I found her shoulder and gave it a firm bite, which made her yelp. Pulling my hand out from between her legs, I seized her thin tank top and pulled it over her head. Her tits heaved under the street light coming in through the cracked curtains.

  “No one else gets this body,” I whispered. “No one but me.”

  Riley looked at me with flushed cheeks. With her chest heaving and her lips trembling, she looked beside herself with arousal.

  “Understand?” I asked.

  “Yes,” she whispered back. “I understand.”

  With a growl that came from a deep place in me that even I didn’t recognize, I tugged her pants off. Her naked body stretched out in front of me, ready for my damage. Crashing my lips against hers once more, I wrapped my arms around her back and tugged her close.

  A burning crept up my balls and shaft, and Riley wasted no time responding to it. She seized the base of my dick and gave it long, squeezing strokes. I hissed into her mouth, each of my exhales becoming her inhales.

  The burning in my cock became a fire. I ached to possess the woman underneath me as I never had before. Seizing her hips, I flipped her over and onto her stomach.

  “On your hands and knees,” I ordered.

  She lifted herself up on her elbows, her tight ass pointing toward the ceiling. I stroked my length and marveled at the beauty in front of me. Devouring her tonight would be more satisfying than any time before.

  Pulling my arm back, I landed my palm on her ass. Riley jerked forward and grunted. I smacked the other ass cheek, then did it all over again. Red welts rose on her flesh, so intense that even the poor lighting in the room couldn’t hide them. My hands ached to do it again, but I held myself back. Any more, and she’d tell me to stop, and I wasn’t there to hurt her. I was there to worship and consume her. I was there to remind her of the irreplaceable position I held in her life.