The List

by Alice Ward

  “Fuck!” The yell ripped out of me like fire from the chest of a dragon. Hell, it was appropriate. I was more dragon than man. I was more fiery beast than human.

  Rushing into the office, I kicked the back of the sofa. The heavy piece of furniture didn’t budge against my shoe. I let loose on the end table instead, flipping it over and sending glass coasters onto the floor. The wall came next. I delivered two swift kicks into its smooth wood paneling. My foot snagged in the last hole, causing me to stumble and almost go down.

  The moment gave me what I needed. Forced to pause, I stepped back and surveyed the damage.

  “Fuck,” I said, except much softer this time. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

  The only right thing to do seemed to be to pour a drink. I went to the minibar and filled a tumbler with whiskey, then settled on the couch. Something still wasn’t right, though. Slamming my glass down on the coffee table, I pushed the couch sideways till it faced the window. The blinds were open, and I could see the lights from the building across the street.

  It made me feel slightly better, seeing the yellow squares. In that building, at least a few people were still up. They were going about their lives, getting ready for bed or waking up. They didn’t know me, and they didn’t know how fucked up I was.

  I drank my whiskey and stared out the window. Eventually, the blackness turned into gray, and then the gray turned into dark blue. It seemed to happen all in the span of a minute. I was frozen in time, unable to even think. I still heard Riley’s voice, though. Her disgust. Her anger. Her disappointment.

  She hated me. Actually hated me. I didn’t blame her. Maybe a lot of women who knew me hated me, she just happened to have the guts to voice her opinion.

  She wasn’t like that when I met her. She’d had trouble just declaring what she wanted to drink. My abuse of her must have been too much. In a sad, twisted way, my shitty behavior forced her out of her shell.

  The sky brightened even more, but there was none of the orange or pink you would see in the country. Instead, it was just progressively lighter shades of dirty blue. I thought of the retreat I took Riley to, of the still lake and the calm night air. If I could have gone back to any time and place in my life, it would be that one.

  My phone sat on the couch cushion next to me. I stared at it, a new idea swirling around in my head. I knew Riley wouldn’t be calling me up anytime soon. I’d blown things with her. I’d hurt her and knew she was better off without me. Fuck, maybe I was also better off without her. Even if we made up, I’d find some way to ruin things sooner or later.

  But maybe I still had one chance left to do something good in this world.

  There was one woman left who I could still make things right with. Before I had another chance to question myself, I snatched my phone up and found my mother’s number. Without a doubt, she was passed out right now. My call would wake her up, but I couldn’t wait another minute to do what I needed to. I’d already waited thirty years.

  I didn’t need details from her to know that nothing had changed with my dad. He was still the same abusive asshole he’d always been. But maybe I could finally convince my mom to leave him. No, scratch that. I’d make her leave him. No more asking. I had an apartment on the Upper East Side waiting for her. I had a private jet at my immediate disposal. If I had to, I’d fly down to South Carolina and force her to leave my dad.

  The decision sent adrenaline pumping through me. I hit the saved number and sucked in a breath.

  One ring and all my confidence came crashing down. Panic replaced excitement. I dropped my phone like it was on fire and it clattered to the floor. What was I doing, really? Did I honestly believe that I could intimidate or physically force my mother into doing what I wanted her to?

  Of course I thought that. I thought that because that’s what I was taught to do. I’d learned by watching the man who raised me.

  Agony ripped through my chest. I dropped my head forward and held it between my hands. I wanted to do things right, but at this point, I didn’t have a clue as to where to start. I’d come undone. Been turned inside out. I wasn’t the person I thought I was, and I had no idea how to become the person I wanted to be.

  There was only one answer. I needed to remove myself from the lives that I’d gotten too involved in. I couldn’t afford to get close to anyone. I couldn’t risk fucking things up anymore. That meant no more trying to change anyone else. If my mom didn’t want my help, there was nothing I could do.

  It also meant I couldn’t let what happened with Riley happen ever again. No more slipups when it came to women. I was bad news, and that meant I had to protect others from me.

  The first step on this new path would be the hardest, but also one of the most crucial ones. No more Riley. No more touching her. No more seeing her. No more talking to her. Not ever again.

  CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

  Riley

  “You look great,” Ann-Marie said from the kitchen table. With her hair piled up in a bun, her black-rimmed glasses on, and a cup of coffee sitting in front of her, she looked exactly like the novelist she aspired to be.

  “Thanks. You don’t think it’s too casual?”

  Before she could answer, I went back to my room and closed the door so I could check myself out in the full-length mirror. The shirtdress I had chosen came down to my knees, stopping just a few inches from the tops of my brown high-heeled boots. I readjusted the top button of the dress and went back into the living room.

  “It’s perfect,” Ann-Marie answered, like I had never left. “I’d call it dressy casual.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to go with me?”

  “On your date?” she laughed. “Did you just ask if I want to be your third wheel?”

  I winced. “Yeah. Sorry.”

  “You’ll be fine. If things get weird, call me or text the safety sentence. Remember?”

  “Yep. ‘I forgot to pick up the laundry.’”

  “Good.” She hooked her arm over the back of her chair and smiled at me. “This will be really good for you, you know.”

  I chewed on my bottom lip. “I’m not sure. I mean, I’m not even into this guy.”

  “You only met him once. How could you already be into him?”

  “Xavier said—”

  “Don’t do that,” Ann-Marie snapped. “Don’t even talk about him. And of course he doesn’t like Seth. The guy was super possessive of you.” She paused and gave it some more thought. “That being said, if anything feels off...”

  “I’ll text, and then you can call with a fake emergency so that I can leave.”

  “Good. That works too.” She beamed at me like she was the teacher and I was her prize pupil. “The thing that I’m trying to say is that just going out on dates is good. Nothing has to go anywhere, and not every date has to be magical. Just getting out there and meeting people is important.”

  “Oh, yeah? When was the last time you went on a date?”

  “Hello. I’m working on a novel. See how dedicated I am?” She waved her hand at the laptop and notebook in front of her.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to go? It’s Saturday night.”

  She gave me a smile. “And you’ll have a great time. When is he picking you up?”

  “We’re meeting at the gallery.”

  “Oh. Okay. Text me the address?”

  “I already did.”

  “That’s my girl.” She turned around to face her computer. “Now get the hell out of here. I have two very lovestruck teenage protagonists and no clue whatsoever how I’m going to get them to prom together.”

  “Ah, the easy days.” I picked up my purse and grabbed my keys from the hook by the door. “See you soon.”

  “Hopefully not too soon,” she called as I went out the door.

  Since I was already running a few minutes late, I took a car to the express stop and then rode the train to Columbus Circle. The fact that I was going out tonight was still somewhat shocking, even to myself. When Seth showe
d back up at the bar and asked me out for a second time, I didn’t know why I didn’t say no.

  Maybe it was precisely because of what Ann-Marie said. Maybe there was a need to start living life again growing in me. A need to just be out in the world, meeting people and having fun. So, despite what Xavier said, I told Seth that I would go out with him.

  It wasn’t’ like Xavier’s opinions had any bearing on my decisions anymore, anyway. Three weeks without him in my life and I was still furious over our last conversation. If only he’d said more, if only he’d had some kind of real response to my accusations. Instead, he’d just sat there like he was in shock, then threw an off the wall accusation at me… and left.

  Yeah, I was the one who made him leave. In my defense, I had no choice. If Xavier couldn’t open to me at least a little bit, there was no hope of a future between us. I should have been relieved he was out of my life.

  I found the building—steel with minimal windows—and took the elevator up to the tenth floor. My nerves got the best of me as I waited for the doors to open. I still didn’t feel like myself. The Riley I knew worked, went home, baked a pie, went to sleep, then got up and did it all over again.

  Or maybe I was getting her confused with the Riley who existed before Xavier.

  Never mind. I pressed my lips tightly together as the elevator opened. My thoughts kept going back to Xavier, so I’d have to do whatever it took to distract myself.

  The second I stepped out of the elevator, a waitress offered me a tray of champagne flutes. I selected one and immediately took a drink. The bubbles filled my nose and sent a hit of relaxation through me. That’s more like it.

  The space was huge, its walls filled with paintings that were as tall as people. I’d never been to an art show that was so packed. I had to turn sideways and shuffle my way through the crowd. The chances of my finding Seth in here were extremely low.

  Hunkering down in a corner, I pulled my phone out, thinking I’d text to see where he was. Before I could do that, someone touched my arm.

  “Hey.”

  I looked up to see Seth standing just a few inches away.

  “Hi!” I gave him a smile, surprisingly relieved to see him. “I didn’t think I would find you in here. It’s so packed.”

  He rolled his eyes. “I know. And the art’s so lame.”

  “Is it?” I frowned. “I thought you knew the artist.”

  “Yeah, I do.” He tossed back his champagne. “And she’s stuck-up like you wouldn’t believe.”

  “Ah.” I clutched my glass tighter. I would have liked to check out some of the work, but the closest painting was yards away, and the room packed with people.

  “You wanna get out of here? Go grab a drink somewhere?”

  “Sure.”

  “Cool.”

  He took my champagne from me and set both flutes on a nearby shelf, then offered me his arm. I looped my hand around it and let him lead me back to the elevator. Already, I was feeling disappointed. If Seth didn’t like tonight’s paintings or artist, why had he invited me to the opening?

  “Thank God,” he said after we entered the elevator. He lifted the collar of his shirt and fanned some air into his face. “It was stuffy in there.”

  “Yeah, it was.”

  Being away from the gallery was actually welcome. With the noise and bodies gone, I realized just how much I didn’t want to be there.

  “You hungry?” Seth asked. “There’s a great pub nearby.”

  My stomach growled, and we both laughed. “Yeah. I guess I am.”

  “Let’s go.”

  Once outside, we took a left and went east. My nervousness had returned, and I searched for something to say. Something that had nothing to do with Xavier, the one thing Seth and I had in common.

  Maybe Ann-Marie had been wrong. It could be I wasn’t ready to date at all. It took me a year to get over Jesse. My relationship with Xavier, though much, much shorter, had been more intense than any I’d ever had. It would be a long time before I felt fully free of him.

  “I took my new yacht out yesterday,” Seth said, interrupting the silence.

  “Oh, great.” I smiled, relieved he’d found something to talk about. I asked him a few questions about sailing, and that was all he needed. We spent the walk to the bar talking about what kind of weather makes good sailing conditions and about the pros and cons of competing.

  At the bar, we settled down at a table in the middle of the space. The whole atmosphere reminded me a lot of the pub I worked at, making me wonder if Seth favored these kinds of places.

  Just as we sat down, two large groups came in and swarmed the place. Seth kept talking about his yacht, but at that point, I was starting to zone out. After a few minutes of no waiter appearing, he looked around in hesitation. “Jesus, what’s up with this place? What does it take to get some service?”

  “They’re pretty busy,” I offered.

  “That’s no excuse. It’s their job to get over here and take our order. You’d think someone working for tips would aim to please. Am I right?”

  I gave a noncommittal grunt as an answer. Had Seth forgotten that I waited tables myself?

  “I need a cigarette,” he sighed. “Come out with me.”

  “Maybe I should wait here. We’ll probably lose our table if we both go.”

  “Fuck it,” he snarled. “This place sucks. We’ll go somewhere else.”

  “Uh… okay.”

  Seth seemed oblivious to my hesitation, standing up and striding toward the door. I followed at a slower pace. My stomach was beginning to knot. I couldn’t tell if it was just my original hesitation about coming out tonight or if it had to do with something else. Like the man I was out with. Seth hadn’t once asked me a question about myself, and this was the second place he’d decided he wanted to leave after just a few minutes.

  That emergency text to Ann-Marie was looking pretty tantalizing right about now.

  I found Seth outside, smoking a cigarette by the curb. He caught sight of me and smiled. “I like that dress.”

  “Thanks.” I self-consciously smoothed the front down.

  “Cigarette?”

  “No, thanks. I don’t smoke.”

  He took another puff, and I tried to think of something to say again as we stood on the sidewalk. Behind us, a laughing group of friends went into the bar we’d just vacated.

  “I know what,” Seth said. “My place is only ten blocks from here. Let’s go back there. I can have the doorman bring us dinner. Plus, I have a pool table.”

  He grinned at me around his cigarette and the knots in my stomach tightened so hard it felt like I was about to double over from pain. I quickly searched for an excuse, but my brain was full of fog. I was no good in these situations. Dodging unwanted offers wasn’t my forte. I didn’t even know how to do it in a polite way.

  “What do you say?” Seth asked.

  “Just for dinner,” I found myself saying.

  “Cool. I’ll call a car.”

  He tossed his cigarette into the street and pulled his phone out. I glared at the smoking litter and extracted my cell from my purse. Twenty minutes with Seth and I knew that I had no need to spend even one more with him. My heart pounding away, I casually sent a text to Ann-Marie.

  SOS.

  The distress signal sent, I put my phone away and looked back toward Seth. He’d lit another cigarette, and the cloud of smoke wafted in my direction. I took a step back to escape it, and Seth laughed.

  “Sorry,” he said, stepping forward and waving the smoke away from me.

  “I appreciate the apology,” I muttered with a small cough.

  In my purse, my phone began to blare. I looked down at it and feigned surprise. “Oh, sorry. Let me just see who that is.” Still not looking at Seth — if I did, I was afraid I’d break character — I pulled the phone back out. “Hello?”

  “Riley?” Ann-Marie shrieked. “Oh my God, I need you to come home right now! My dad just called and… and… Gr
andma passed.” A loud, fake sob hit my ears. I’d have to remember to congratulate my roommate later for her A-plus acting.

  I turned away from Seth and pressed the phone tighter against my face. “Are you serious? Oh my God. Okay, I’m on my way. I’m so sorry. It will be okay.”

  “I don’t know,” she wailed, her cry crescendoing. “I just don’t know if it will.”

  “Hold on. I’m leaving now.” I hung up before she could start crying again. Another second of her fake moaning, and Seth might hear and suspect something was going on.

  “Who was that?” Seth asked from behind me.

  I pivoted on my heel and faced him. “It was my roommate. Her grandma just died. I’m really sorry, but I have to go home. She’s really upset.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I stared at him, blinking and not sure what to say to that.

  Seth shook his head. “Never mind. We’ll get together another time.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed.

  “Tomorrow?”

  My tongue froze against the roof of my mouth. “I’m pretty busy tomorrow night.”

  It was partially true. I wasn’t working at the bar, but I did need to get back on the job hunting train. I’d taken a week off and ended up getting lazy.

  “Hm.” Seth’s eyes narrowed the slightest bit. “Some other time this week then.”

  “Yeah.” Maybe I should have just told him that I didn’t want to see him again. We were in a semi-safe place. He wasn’t going to freak out and attack me… at least I didn’t think so. The guy seemed like a potential egomaniac, but I didn’t think he was violent.

  A car pulled up behind Seth. He glanced at it and held his finger up to signal the driver to wait. His hands dipped down into his pockets as he turned back to face me. “This isn’t about him, is it?”

  “Him?” I only repeated the word because I couldn’t bear to say the name.

  “Yeah, because if it is, you don’t have to worry.” Seth took a step toward me. “He won’t be jealous. We’re friends, and friends share things.”

  Share?

  A shiver went down my spine. Texting Ann-Marie was the right idea. “It’s not about that. I don’t even talk to him anymore. I just told you, my roommate’s grandma died…”