The List

by Alice Ward

  “I picked it out the day after you first came into my office.” She looked at me, amazement on her face. “Now, let’s have no more nonsense about worrying what people think. You have the right to have all the excitement every woman does when she’s newly engaged. We have nothing to hide,” I pointed out and she agreed.

  CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT

  Auggie

  I discovered I liked everything about the idea of setting up housekeeping. I realized that until now, I’d been just camping on other peoples’ properties, including my parents’ and even though Mother would surely be fit to be tied when she found out, this would belong to Worth and consequently, to me. I knew that Worth liked modern furnishings so I set off for a few of the best stores and allowed their interior designers to show me some ideas. I chose what appealed to me and what I thought Worth would like, and ordered it loaded into a truck and delivered immediately.

  I spent hours in the department stores picking out linens, appliances, dishes; everything that was needed to stock a house. My Escalade wouldn’t hold it all, so I ordered it to be delivered and then proceeded on to the next stop that would fill my car — the grocery.

  While I’d never been the one to prepare the meals since Mother always had help, I did learn to cook and really rather liked it. Stocking a kitchen from scratch was an undertaking and I filled two entire carts to the brim. These were carried out to the car and I headed toward the apartment.

  When I arrived, the first load of furniture had already come and I was thrilled to find Worth’s friend and designer, Jeremy, standing by. Worth knew I would have my hands full and asked Jeremy to give one of his. Jeremy also brought two assistants from his own staff to help. The trucks continued to arrive in succession. I was in heaven as Jeremy and I pointed every time a new delivery man entered the condo. While Jeremy pulled things together with his assistants, I focused on the kitchen so I would know where everything was when it came time to cook. I threw together a huge wok of stir-fry and when Worth entered the house early that evening, his mouth dropped open.

  “My god… I can’t believe this is the same place!” he said, filled with pride. “And you cooked? Aren’t you exhausted?”

  I nodded proudly, and we all sat down to eat a plate of food and finish up a few of the design elements before Jeremy and his staff left for the night.

  “Be sure and let me know if you need anything more,” Jeremy called over his shoulder.

  “Bill me!” Worth called after him and Jeremy flipped him the middle finger.

  Worth locked up but I was already in the shower when he made it to the bedroom. He called to me that he would shower in another bath and I smiled. I loved this domestic feeling of togetherness. I knew I would never again feel alone.

  I met Worth in the bedroom and he smiled. “Your hair is still damp and you look adorable.”

  “I’m so exhausted I can’t see straight,” I confessed. “This was harder than riding the course all afternoon. I guess I’m out of shape.”

  “Are you kidding? Look at all you accomplished!” he praised me. “Come here, let me hold you and you just go to sleep.”

  His words were honey to my ears. Worth laid back the covers and slid into the bed, holding his arms out to me. I crawled in against his chest and his long arms enfolded me. I leaned up to kiss him and it was warm, moist and deep. This must be what the essence of life is all about.

  ***

  The next morning, Worth left early. His clinic was having its grand opening that evening. I had so many things to do around the house, I wasn’t planning on getting there until just before it opened. I wouldn’t miss it for anything, though.

  Jeremy’s crew had worked wonders throughout the condo. I still wanted my personal touch on things and that’s what I enjoyed doing most. That afternoon, Worth returned, showered and dressed in one of his best suits. I had dinner waiting and had dressed as well. We shared steaks and salad and then headed to the clinic.

  It was magnificent and there were already people in the parking lot. It was a catered affair. Champagne and hors d’oeuvres were being served by waiters in tuxedos and there were plenty of energy-building, healthy food options at stations throughout the building.

  I was wearing my ring and a good many people saw it, then huddled off to discuss what it meant. No one dared to ask. For the time being, it was more enjoyable to speculate and gossip about it among themselves.

  I clung to Worth’s side as we stood near the entrance to welcome in newcomers. I was holding his hand when I felt Worth stiffen. I looked up and saw a man and woman entering — a man who was a stockier, grayer version of the man beside me.

  His father.

  CHAPTER TWENTY NINE

  Worth

  I knew he would come, although I went out of my way to avoid inviting him. He had come to inspect my kingdom, to level arrogant disdain over what I had built. He was in for an even bigger surprise. Auggie was at my side and she was wearing my engagement ring.

  He looked me straight in the eye, nodded and then wandered off to look around. Mother hugged me and I introduced her to Auggie. Mother’s eye caught the huge ring on Auggie’s left hand and she gave Auggie an even bigger hug. She was smiling and enjoying herself.

  Father had completed his tour and was approaching. Mother intercepted him, whispered in his ear and his eyes immediately went to Auggie’s hand. Auggie smiled, her eyes welcoming but Father looked her over and walked out the door. Mother was confused, embarrassed and shrugged at me as she followed him out. I wanted to wring his neck.

  How dare he ignore Auggie! How dare he ruin our special night. I fought to keep control of my emotions, looking down at Auggie and seeing a deep sadness in her eyes. For some reason, she didn’t seem surprised, however. There was an understanding in her eyes and a sympathy for me. I hugged her and moved on to greet other guests. I would deal with my father later.

  The night turned out to be an overwhelming success. We received extensive press coverage from not only the local media but from health, mind and body publications who wanted to cover a story of a clinic that combined so many therapies in one location. The appointment book was instantly filled and the ambiance was one of happiness and good health, even without treatment. I was content. I had Auggie and I had my life’s dream. My father could go to hell.

  Auggie was quiet as we left after the grand opening. Aside from some staff who were cleaning up, the guests had all departed. “You didn’t know he was coming?” she asked me, holding my hand as we walked through the parking lot.

  “I hoped he wouldn’t hear about it, but knew it was an unreasonable hope.”

  “What do you want to do about it?” Her eyes were large and questioning.

  “I need to have a face down with him,” I told her.

  “When?”

  “Why not right now?” I said and tucked her into the passenger seat and climbed behind the steering wheel, slamming my door.

  There was an occasional snowflake but the roads were otherwise clear as we headed to the farm. When we arrived, the house was still brightly lit. I knew he’d be up. He never went to bed early.

  “Do you want to come in?” I asked Auggie.

  “Of course. If it affects you, it affects me,” she told me, squeezing my hand.

  “Get ready for anything,” I cautioned her and we knocked at the door before entering.

  Father was sitting in his study, the door opened and the light from his desk lamp spilling onto the woven carpet. There was a decanter of bourbon on the desk before him. Mother came down from upstairs and frowned at me, shaking her head to indicate this wasn’t a good time. I smiled, patted her hand and pushed past her.

  He looked up as we entered. “You may as well sit down,” he said, eyeing Auggie as she took the matching wingback to mine. “I understand that congratulations are in order,” he growled, taking a swig from his glass. “You drink?” he held a glass out toward Auggie but she shook her head. He started to offer it to me and changed his mind
, slamming it down on his desk. “What in the hell is the matter with you, boy?” he shouted, causing Auggie to jump and I heard Mother gasp behind me.

  “There are ladies present,” I pointed out but it didn’t seem to affect his disposition one way or another.

  “They can leave if they can’t take it,” was his surly response. He puffed his cigar and tapped the ashes onto the surface of his hand-carved cherry desk. “So, what the hell do you want? My congratulations? My permission? Pretty damned sure you’re not here for that,” he barked.

  “We aren’t here for anything other than to clear the air,” I said quietly.

  “Save the shrink crap, Worth. That shit won’t work with me,” he snapped.

  “What will work, Father? I’ve spent my life trying to please you and seem to always fall short. You’ve made my life a hell. I accept responsibility for the drinking and the carousing, but you have to man up and tell me just what the hell is so wrong with me. The time has come and the women in our lives are standing by. I want them to hear it from your lips.”

  “Hear what from my lips, damn you! You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Let it lie, Worth. Let it lie.”

  “That’s the whole problem, Father. It has been nothing but a lie, all these years. Tell Mother why you hate me. Let Auggie know, now, before she marries me and still has a chance to get away. Tell the damned truth for once in your life!” I shouted, louder than I realized.

  “Damn you, Worth! Damn you to hell! You want to hear it? Okay, then here it is. It was you who should have died. You who should have rolled that car in one of your drunken races, but no…. you have the devil guarding you, don’t you, boy?”

  “Why should it have been me?” I snarled. I was a rabid dog.

  “Because!” he shouted, pounding the desk. “Linc was the better man. He had the best of me in him! The best of me and the best… the best…” his voice halted.

  “The best of whom, Father?”

  “The best of her damned mother!” he roared, pointing at Auggie.

  I’d known it, of course. I’d finally put together the connection of the red-haired Jezebel, who had reacted so strongly to meeting me along with Auggie’s discovery of the photos in the album. I had suspected he was hiding something all these years and when I realized that his hatred was not inspired by anything I’d done, but instead by what had happened to Linc, it all clicked.

  I heard a loud thump behind me and looked around the wing chair to see Mother had fainted. Father just sat at his desk, puffing his cigar and looking at her. I was on my feet, as was Auggie, and I took her vital signs. She had just passed out from the shock. I lifted her and carried her upstairs to her room. She began to come to and as the memory of what she’d just heard began to flood back, she started crying.

  I sat with Mother for some time and Auggie found her night things. I found a vial of sleeping pills in her nightstand and gave her one, pocketing the rest just in case. I left as Auggie helped her change. She waited until Mother fell asleep and then joined me downstairs.

  “You’ve made a pretty fine mess of things,” Father said to me.

  “Does Auggie’s mother know that Linc was her son?” I asked quietly.

  “No, nobody knew. I knew when she disappeared what had happened and had her tracked to her aunt’s. When she put Linc up for adoption at birth, my agent was there. I told your mother he was the son of a friend who had been killed in a car accident and had the adoption papers to prove it. I didn’t need them. He was already my son,” he blurted the story, anger, and a deep, depressed pain coloring his words.

  I looked at Auggie. With Mother’s fainting, I’d not had a chance to deal with her and the shock she must be feeling. She seemed nonplussed. I guessed. “You knew, didn’t you, darling?” I asked her.

  She shifted in her chair. “I knew about their affair but have been trying to track the resulting child. Now I know. She rose to her feet and walked toward Father’s desk. She leaned forward, picking up the decanter and the glass of bourbon, pouring herself a full glass. Setting the decanter down, she looked at Father, who was watching her. “You’re a bastard,” she commented quietly and threw the bourbon into his face. She set the glass down, looked at me and said, “I’ll be in the car,” as she passed me on her way out of the house.

  I stood, looking at the gray-haired, corpulent fraud before me. “I couldn’t have said it better myself,” I said in a level voice and followed Auggie out of the house.

  She had the Escalade running and soft classical music playing. The glow from the dash lit her features and I could see big tears running down her cheeks.

  I put my arms around her and said, “I’m sorry you had to witness that, but that was the best way to get it over with. Let’s put it behind us and start our own life now.”

  “I need to tell you something,” she said quietly.

  “Go ahead,” I urged her.

  “I knew about Mother and your father, but I didn’t know about Linc. Mrs. Jessup told me they’d had an affair and that Mother had disappeared for the winter, supposedly to Florida. I didn’t have an exact year and wasn’t sure what happened to the child who everyone suspected she was off having. I stole your toothbrush and that document I asked you to sign granted your permission to have your DNA tested and compared to mine. I had to make sure we weren’t of the same blood before I could be with you. I was in hell, Worth… in hell. It’s why I was avoiding you. I just found out two days ago that there was no connection. I’m sorry for misleading you, but I needed to know, obviously, and didn’t want to expose anyone’s secrets.”

  Worth nodded, considering the logic of her explanation. “I noticed my toothbrush was gone and thought it had fallen in the trash and been thrown out. I knew there was some reason you were avoiding me, Auggie, but I let my jealousy lead me to think it was Knotts.”

  She shook her head. “It’s always been you, Worth. I loved you from the moment I walked into your office.”

  I lifted her face and kissed her softly and then harder as she molded herself to my chest. There was redemption in her clinging. She was suffering the same pain I was going through and yet the two of us were the only comfort either of us could have. “I love you, Auggie,” I said and she nodded.

  “I love you, Worth,” she returned and I kissed her again.

  “Will you tell your mother?” I asked her.

  She shook her head. “I won’t. She’s had her own version of hell all these years. If she knew her son had only been a few miles away and then was killed, it would be too cruel. Not just for her, but mostly for Dad.”

  “I think you’re right and if she finds out, it won’t be from either of us. At least we both know why they’ve been the parents they’ve been… and it had nothing to do with either of us. Linc is gone so there are no ties between them.”

  “Let’s go home,” Auggie suggested and I agreed, putting the vehicle into drive and leaving the farm for what might very well turn out to be the last time.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Auggie

  Worth and I spent the winter pulled in opposite directions. His clinic had become all the rage and he extended the hours to accommodate the demand. I could tell it was wearing him down and urged him to bring in another psychologist to help with the load.

  I spent my days in a rotation between supervising the construction of the new house, Sunset Village activities and my new love of homemaking. At night, Worth and I climbed into our bed, exhausted and had fallen into a routine of a kiss, hug and falling asleep. Neither of us were happy with this, but for the time being, it was our life.

  I had cooked a roast with potatoes and vegetables and taken the time to make homemade dinner rolls. Worth came in, circles of exhaustion beneath his eyes.

  During dinner, I brought up the topic. “Worth, this is silly. Success is one thing but killing yourself isn’t worth it.”

  “I’ve already begun looking for another doctor,” he informed me, picking at his food.
/>   “I’m afraid you’ll get sick,” I urged again.

  “I said I have already started looking!” he said, slamming down his fork and leaping up from the table. I heard the bedroom door slam and sat there, shaking at what had just happened. I had never seen Worth lose his temper like that.

  I hoped he would come back shortly, apologetic and we could finish dinner but there was no sound from the bedroom. I quietly finished eating and then cleaned up, shutting off the kitchen light and settling on the sofa to watch a bit of television and get my nerves settled. Worth never emerged.

  Sad, I finally decided to go to sleep in one of the extra rooms and climbed between the covers, lonely and wanting to cry. There was no movement or sound from the bedroom. Eventually, I fell asleep and when I awakened the next morning, I checked on Worth, but he had already gone.

  That night he came in and it was a resumption of the night before. We ate dinner but silence commanded the table. He wasn’t angry — he was simply stone cold.

  This bothered me more than a little. This wasn’t the calm, resourceful Worth I knew. Why was he becoming so rough, so temperamental?

  “I slept in the other room because I thought you needed some space,” I said in as empathetic tone as I could muster, given the hurt I was feeling.

  “I know.” Two words that I could translate a hundred ways. He knew why I slept elsewhere and didn’t care? He didn’t care if I was hurting? He understood that he was being cold and dismissive to me. What did he know?

  “Is this about your father?” I tried once more to break open the shell and encourage him to talk.

  “No.”

  I couldn’t make myself ask the next question. This wasn’t the time or the point in our relationship. I had too much to learn about this man I was now living with. There were times he took me to the pinnacle of happiness and other times when I looked into the pits of hell. I needed to give this time to become more familiar; more time for me to learn what he needed from me. He might say it wasn’t about his father, but I knew differently. His father had literally wished Worth dead in lieu of his illegitimate son.