by Alice Ward
Hawk and I played checkers and card games, but these were simply incidental to the real reason he would come. He needed a mother’s love; to know I’d never really abandoned him, but had, for his own good, sent him to a safe place. I confessed my selfishness and my fear, how I’d put my focus on the children at home. I explained as well as I could that it hadn’t been deliberate or about him. I’d been as lost as he was. Afraid. Uncertain what to do. I asked him not to blame Mark or Marga. About them, however, he seemed indifferent.
It was Worth for whom he reserved the bulk of his resentment. He believed Worth to be the architect that lay behind the circumstances. He accused Worth of refusing to deal with him personally, foisting him off onto other doctors who pressed bottles of medications into Hawk’s hand.
“How could I know that what they were doing was wrong?” he asked me one snowy afternoon when the wind managed to wend its way between the window panes. “My father was supposed to protect me. To know more about what was good for me than I could know for myself. I trusted him. The more pills, the worse my world became. One pill caused me to be sleepy, and they’d give me another to wake me up. Then I’d feel hyper, and another pill would calm me down. It was pills, pills, and pills, Mother. I sensed I was out of control and the only way I knew to reach out for help was to behave badly. As badly as I knew how. It was the only time I had yours and Father’s complete attention.”
“Hawk, I’m so sorry,” I said for the hundredth time that day, but he only shook his head.
“Father ignored everything. Ignored the signs. He knew them. He’d been there before himself, hadn’t he?”
I swallowed and nodded, remembering the man Worth used to be. Still was, I feared.
“It was easier for him to send me away, to put me into a stranger’s responsibility than to admit his own shortcomings. If he admitted he was fallible, he no longer had any defenses against his own father. Even after his father was dead, his brother rose to take that place, and the torment began again. Mother…”
I held up a hand. “Please call me Mom.”
His eyes softened and he nodded. “Mom, the day I killed Linc, Dad wasn’t sorry. When I ran to him, he hugged me, but I knew he wasn’t hugging me because he was glad I was safe. He was hugging me because he was glad Linc was dead — and that I’d been the one to do it. He always passes the buck.”
I had to admit, although I didn’t verbally acknowledge it, that much of what Hawk said was true. I’d come close to saying the same thing many times but had held back. I knew where the line of no return lay, and I wasn’t willing to cross it. I’d come close enough to create the chasm that lay between Worth and myself since Dad’s death.
Was I being selfish to not take Hawk’s side and confront Worth? Would it do any good?
“You have to understand, Hawk,” I said as gently and dispassionately as I could. “When a parent realizes they cannot be what their child needs, sometimes the best thing they can do is to take that child to someone who can help them. I think your father thought that’s what he was doing. Perhaps he could have risen to the occasion and helped you himself. Perhaps not. It’s in the past, however. Is there any way you can forgive him… forgive me… and let go?”
“The same way good ole Dad has let go of what his father did to him?” he pointed out without empathy.
I sighed heavily. “Your point is well taken.”
I never told Worth much about those conversations with Hawk. I felt the conversations were private, much the same as those Worth had with his own patients. I did tell him when Hawk came by, though. When I spoke our son’s name, I could see a flicker of something in his face, but never really knew whether it was pain or anger. He kept it below the surface, which was dangerous. I felt the volcano building inside him.
Sometimes Hawk brought Liane, and as we became better acquainted, we grew much closer. She told me of her empathic nature, and I told her I’d already guessed it, based on the way she had calmed that birthing mare. I think she was relieved that I knew; and more so that I didn’t think she was strange.
“You have a special gift, Liane. Everyone does, but not everyone gets to use theirs or even know they have it. That’s why it’s so important to be true to yourself. You can’t live the life others would have for you. Otherwise, on your final day, you will look back with regret.”
I noticed I’d become far more introspective since Dad’s death. Suddenly life and death were not just something that happened in the barn or on television. It was real and part of my life. Indeed, it would be my own life.
The day came that Hawk and Liane told me they were getting married. After months of legal paperwork, Hawk officially had his new identity, and his passport had arrived. They would honeymoon in Australia. I was jealous. I’d always wanted to go there myself.
“So, when and where will the ceremony be? Liane, I’ll be happy to help with the planning.” I smiled with enthusiasm. It was the first shaft of light in an otherwise gray existence. “I’m sure your dad won’t mind if Worth and I were to chip in a bit?”
Hawk looked at Liane and swallowed hard. “It won’t be necessary, Mom. Liane and I will be married by her father in the churchyard with only a few people there. My friend, Kenny, will be my best man and Liane’s girlfriend will stand up for her.”
“Oh.” My heart shifted closer to my feet.
“Mother… Mom, you and Father won’t be invited to the wedding.”
The words lay there, stark and cold and I dared not pick them up. I wasn’t strong enough.
“Oh, I see.”
Could he hear the sound of my heart breaking? Could he feel the pain that was rushing into my brain at that moment?
“We’ve discussed it and feel it would be, well, cleaner that way. Father and I are not on good terms. I don’t think either of the twins will care either way. The only one who will care is you. But you won’t come without Father. You see?”
I swallowed hard and nodded slowly. “Yes, I guess I do.” I couldn’t stop the tears, though. They had become a daily event over the winter. I was to be denied my eldest son’s wedding because of Worth. The only question that remained was who to blame? Who could I blame?
“It’s okay.” I tried to be brave and patted Liane’s hand. “It’s your special day, and it shouldn’t have any tension in it.”
“I’m glad you understand.” Hawk’s voice cracked a bit, and I glimpsed a softness there for the first time. Perhaps it had more to do with Liane, than with me, however.
“Hawk, one thing. I don’t want to be the one to tell your father. Don’t make me go through that. Either tell him yourself or not at all, but just don’t ask me to be the middleman on this.”
He nodded. “I understand. I think it’s better if we just don’t mention it to him. This is about Liane and me. It’s about beginning our lives together. It will be better if Father’s role is as an observer than participant.”
I had to agree, and as much as it hurt, I could see his point. I resolved to look at the brighter side. Hawk and Liane had spent a good deal of time with me through the last months. The least I could do was to finally put myself second and them first. I could find the strength to let Hawk have his happiness. As a matter of fact, I owed it to him.
So, on the eve of their early spring wedding, I met Hawk and Liane at a small restaurant in town. We kept the mood light, and I presented them with the deed to a thousand acres that adjoined Hawk’s property as a wedding gift. It had just come available through a tax sale, and I managed to spot it and snap it up. Its elevation was high enough to see the Ohio River and a good deal of the county.
“Perhaps someday you would like to build there,” I suggested.
A part of me expected Hawk to fling the piece of paper back into my face. Instead, he swallowed hard and said, “Thank you.”
When it was time to leave, I walked out to the parking lot so I wouldn’t be crying in the restaurant.
“I want you both to know that I love you and wish
for you all the happiness you can possibly squeeze out of this life. Your father, Hawk, for all his self-involvement, loves you too. Never forget that. Liane, welcome to the family, darling, although I’m not sure if that’s a blessing or a curse.” I forced my lips to smile and my eyes to twinkle as I said it. “Regardless, after tomorrow, you will be a LaViere, just like the rest of us who are cursed with the name.”
We all laughed as I kissed them. I closed my eyes as Hawk enfolded me in his arms. I waved goodbye as I got into my car and lowered the window. “Have a wonderful honeymoon!” They both waved and I watched them as long as I could in the rear view mirror.
They didn’t notice the small, gray rental car that briefly parked across from the churchyard that next day. They didn’t see my tears or feel the warmth of the love I sent toward them. Well, Liane did, for after Hawk kissed her at the altar, she turned a bit and blew a kiss toward the street.
I’d blown one back, and she’d smiled and touched her hand to her cheek. It was enough. I pulled away from the church, heading toward home.
I had no idea what life was to bring and could not have been prepared, even if I did.
CHAPTER TWENTY ONE
Hawk
If there was ever a time in my life that I believed I knew what wonderful felt like, it was then. Liane and I were married by her father that cool spring day, surrounded by sprouts of spring flowers and the sound of the church bell tolling. The scene could have easily been in England — even I felt it was a romantic setting.
Liane was breathtaking in a simple, white tissue sheath with her long locks atop her head in a circlet braid with little dried flowers woven in. She had described the dress to me beforehand, although I wasn’t permitted to see it. Beyond that, I don’t remember much except that for the first time, I knew what it was to truly have someone who belonged to me. It was unimaginable.
After the ceremony, we went inside the vicarage with Vicar Coventry. Many of the church ladies had assembled a light luncheon with delicious foods they’d made in their kitchens that morning and brought by. Judging by the display, I had a feeling that many of the ladies might have an eye on the single vicar and were taking advantage of that opportunity to show off their cooking skills. Needless to say, he’d have leftovers for days.
Liane and I boarded a Quantas jet for Australia that evening, and as we settled into our first-class seats, I wished that we’d had our honeymoon night before we left. The anticipation was incredible. True to her beliefs, Liane and I had never been intimate; not even much more than kissed. To a man who could buy almost anything he wanted, it was unbelievably titillating. I was putting over nine thousand miles between my wedding and making love to my wife for the first time. I must have been insane when I agreed to that.
We touched down in Sydney, and it was seventy-five degrees. They were just approaching their spring equivalent of our autumn weather. We saw Sydney Harbour from the jet, and it was certainly impressive with its ferry and the iconic Sydney Opera House and bridge. This city of modern, white elegance had come a long way from its Aboriginal ancestry. The native Aborigines had inhabited that land since Paleolithic times, but the concept of founding hadn’t taken place until the first fleet of British ships arrived in 1788. Even then, that beautiful landscape had been used as a British penal colony. I’d had plenty of time to read up on the country’s history on that nine-thousand-mile flight.
Our concierge had a limo waiting with champagne and a seafood tidbit selection, but I opted to wait until we reached our destination. I was tired, even after sleeping on the jet, and wanted my full faculties for my bridal night. I had booked Barford, a luxury home that had the appearance of an English manor house. I thought Liane would appreciate the ambiance.
Although there were only two of us, the home featured ten bedrooms and baths and included manicured lawns and a view of Sydney Harbour. It was completely private. I’d requested a Lamborghini be available for private sight-seeing. Although the kitchen was to be fully stocked and staffed with a chef, I wanted to try some of the local cuisine while we were there.
When we arrived, our driver left us at an impressive entrance with a massive black door surrounded by leaded glass. Once inside the harlequin-tiled entryway, we were briefly introduced to the staff who maintained the house and grounds as well as the comfort of the guests. We were shown through the ground floor rooms beginning with a comfortable living area banked by fireplaces and windows overlooking the harbour. Most of the house was built around a central courtyard. The inside rooms had doors that opened onto it. The outside rooms had views of the extensive, manicured grounds or the harbour itself. Decorated traditionally but in subtle prints and white marble baths and kitchen, the overall effect was one of being in a shaft of heavenly light surrounded by water and greenspace. The lower level offered a massive workout room and a home theatre banked by white leather seating. A pool in the back completed the luxury. I felt a pull between wanting to have the home filled with friends so we could party non-stop and the more realistic and immediate desire to be alone with my new wife.
Liane asked if she might use one of the bedrooms as a dressing room and I swallowed, suggesting she use the one next to ours. She looked at me funny, but I did my best to not think of the surprise awaiting her there so she wouldn’t sense it.
When she turned away, I blew out a breath watching the innocent creature walk to her slaughter.
Liane
I stood in the midst of such luxury and wondered how I’d gotten there. Our ceremony had been lovely and the fact that Dad performed it made it an intensely personal experience. Hawk had looked so handsome in his black tux and a corsage made of Lily of the Valley, my favorite flower. After our kiss, I blew one to Auggie who I sensed was watching from somewhere behind us. I felt so bad that she couldn’t be a part of our special day, but I knew Hawk was right. To have the tension that lay between him and some members of his family at our ceremony would have ruined it.
Ecstatically happy as I was, Dad had given me a rather uncomfortable, stern speech before we left. It had something to do with being a good wife and keeping my husband happy. I think it was his rendition of what he supposed Mom would have said had she been there. She was there, in a way. That’s why I wanted our ceremony in the churchyard, where she could watch from her spot in the cemetery a few feet away. I felt her spirit with us, and I knew she approved of the man I’d chosen to be my husband for life.
The flight to Australia was unexpectedly long. I don’t know what possessed me to want to go there. Perhaps it was the idea that it was so far away from all that was familiar, and I wanted Hawk and my early married life to experience something novel and untried. I also knew I was drawn to the animals and terrain of the country, so that made the flight more endurable.
Hawk was restless, and I suspected that it was a combination of the anticipation of our wedding night, combined with the simple reality that he couldn’t just take off somewhere on his own for the duration of the flight. He hated being trapped.
Once we arrived at the estate, I was absolutely bowled over by its charm and opulence. Hawk had completely outdone himself by selecting it. I would have been perfectly happy in an inexpensive motel near a tourist attraction, but Hawk understood the finer things. I felt like a princess in her castle.
I took over one of the rooms for my luggage and to get ready for my wedding night. My cases had already been unpacked and things hung in the closet. What I wasn’t prepared for was the second closet. Hawk had engaged the services of a personal shopper who had filled it with an entire wardrobe, all in my size and selected to flatter me personally. Now I understood why he’d insisted on that picture-taking episode one evening at his house and why I’d found my closet door standing open in my apartment. He’d evidently been peeking for sizes. This made me smile. He was so wonderfully thoughtful and generous.
I fingered the beautiful clothing and found a white, almost transparent negligee hanging at the front of the other items. There was a
blue, velvet box strapped to the hanger and I opened it to find a matching pearl necklace with green diamonds and stud earrings. I knew he’d intended that I wear this so I asked the maid who was standing by to lay it out and run me a bath. I was a bit uncomfortable having a servant, but I knew it was her job and to be less than gracious would be insulting to her.
While she did this, I took advantage of the view over Sydney Harbour. There were two cruise ships entering the port and the layered decks looked like floating wedding cakes. There were beautiful flowers, trees and birds I’d never seen before. What a strangely exotic and different place to be and I was very glad that Hawk was with me. As a rather timid person, this would have been too much for me to enjoy all on my own.
The maid came to get me, and I went into the white marbled spa and settled into the bath. It felt decadently luxurious after the rigors of the flight. I almost fell asleep. I was very nervous about the upcoming night and took my time getting ready.
After helping me dress and brushing my hair until it gleamed, the maid respectfully ushered me to the hallway, pointed out Hawk’s door and then disappeared. I put my hand on the knob, the new diamond ring sparkling on my left hand and opened the door. The night I’d waited for my entire life was about to begin.
Hawk was standing by the window. His profile was to me, and I could see he was dressed in only a pair of silk pajama pants, gold with black fleur-de-lis in design. One muscled forearm was flexing as his hand gripped the window lock. He wouldn’t look at me. His hair, still damp from bathing, was brushed back and tucked behind his ears, although one dark lock hung down in his face.
