by Alice Ward
“Hawk?” Perhaps he didn’t hear me come in, although I knew he had. He didn’t flinch but continued looking out the window at some undeterminable point in space. I took a few steps toward him, and as I did, I could see his face wasn’t damp from bathing. He was in a cold sweat. “Hawk!” I was alarmed. My tower of strength was having a full out meltdown. “What is it? What’s wrong?
His voice, normally deep and commanding was whispery and raw. “I can’t do this.”
“Can’t do what?” I asked him, not believing that he could possibly mean what I was afraid he meant.
He turned now, his strong, handsome physique withering as he did so. “I can’t make love to you.”
I was right!
My heart thumped in my throat. I timed a few beats, mentally approaching the thought of what he’d said and searching for some logical explanation. I moved closer to him, the gauzy negligee swirling around my legs. I reached out a hand toward him, but he pulled away. “Right,” I acknowledged, nodding and moving back across the room to sit on the edge of the bed. “Come and sit down, Hawk. Let’s talk about this.” I patted the spot beside me.
“There’s nothing to talk about. This has all been a horrible mistake. We should have never come here; should never have gotten married. It’s not too late. If we don’t consummate this, it just goes away, like it never happened.”
I don’t know what happened in the hour we’d been apart, but it was clear the demons in his head had done a good job tormenting him. He was panting with some emotional exorcism, and the perspiration was beginning to trail down his powerfully-muscled chest. I found myself torn. I felt desire for the man I loved and now wanted to touch so intimately, but I felt compassion for a creature who was obviously in trouble. I could sense his pain, although I had no idea of the cause. This was far, far deeper than wedding jitters.
“Would you answer something for me?” I asked, keeping my voice gentle.
He swallowed. “Of course.”
“Do you love me?”
He met my eyes. “With every fiber of my body.”
“Have I done something to anger you?”
“You? How could you? You’re the gentlest person I’ve ever known. No, Liane, it has nothing to do with you.”
“Then, while we are still friends who care about one another, let’s sit and talk about this. If, when we’re done, you want to annul the marriage, I’ll go along and just disappear from your life.”
“Don’t you hate me?” he cried in a ragged voice, dragging his hands through his hair.
His pain speared me so intensely I nearly doubled over. I took a deep breath. “Of course not! I feel your pain, Hawk. Do you understand? You can’t keep the pain from me. I feel it every bit as real as you do. Please, come here and sit. Let’s open this pain and get rid of it. It’s hurting me too.”
He couldn’t argue with that. He didn’t want me to hurt, and the idea that he was the source was enough to convince him to come and sit on the bed.
“Good. Hawk, whatever it is, we will work through it. I love you. I’m not simply in love with you, but I love everything about you. The way you look, talk, feel, think… even the way you cuss when things don’t go your way. You need to understand that it’s unconditional love that will never end.”
“Why?” he asked me. “Why do you love me, Liane? I’m bad news. I’m a bad seed. I should have never been born. My parents tried to get rid of me, my brother hates me — don’t deny it, I can see it in his eyes. I’ve never made many friends. They all end up wanting to get rid of or get away from me. I can’t saddle you with that. I can’t take your beautiful innocence here, even under the edict of marriage and then have it hurt you. Somewhere along the way, Liane, believe me. You will want to get away from me too. It will happen. It always does.”
His thoughts took my breath away. I’d never known anything in my life, but loving support and the idea that I wasn’t wanted was something I couldn’t understand.
“I see where your pain comes from and can understand why you feel this way. I truly do. You’ve forgotten one thing, though.”
He looked at me and even now, I saw the desire in his eyes. Doubtless the lamp behind me was outlining my form beneath the sheer fabric. I belonged to him. He no longer needed to ask, or wait or plan how to get me. I was his. He’d won. Now that the challenge was past, he was afraid to reach out and take the prize. It had always been denied him at the last moment. Somehow things never worked out for him. He’d been born rich, handsome, and with magnetic parents. A fairytale upbringing. Then everything soured, and he ended up exiled and unwanted. Of course, he doubted what we had. Who wouldn’t?
“You’ve forgotten that you’re no longer alone, Hawk. From the first time we met at the Y, I knew I belonged to you. That’s why I was drawn to you. We were simply two halves of a whole, waiting to meet. There is an attraction between us that can’t be altered. Even if we leave this moment and never see one another again, there will always be a part of you that’s missing, and that part is me. I’m what makes you whole, Hawk. Me. Not your parents or siblings or anyone else. Not your money, your reputation — no one but me. You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”
I saw him sway slightly forward, as though subliminally toward the goal of embracing me. He held back, though, like a child who’s been offered candy but knows he’s not to have it. I held out my hand. “Just take it. Feel me.”
His hand reached toward me, his mouth opened and breathing hard. The closer he got to my hand, the more his shook. Finally, he punched the bed. “Damn! It’s no good! I can’t take your sweet innocence away, Liane. I’m rotten, and I’ll make you rotten.”
I let him have his moment and then I rose to my feet and turned to face him. “No, Hawk. It isn’t you who will make me rotten; it is I who will make you pure.” I swirled around to the door and opened it. I didn’t turn around. “Before I head butt you again, I’m going back to my dressing room. It’s the second door on the left if you want me. Tomorrow you can book our flight, and we’ll go back to Louisville. I’ll agree to the annulment. I can’t force you to take something that’s already yours. Let me say this one thing, however. If you think that keeping me in your life will bring me pain, you have absolutely no appreciation for what I’m feeling at this moment.” Without drama, I smoothly glided out of the room, closing the door gently behind me.
I went back to my dressing room, tossing the clothing choices and bags onto the floor. I threw back the covers and slid in, huddled like a disciplined child. The tears began, and I let them come. I could go no closer to him. If he wanted to remain alone, whether it was out of fear for me, or a self-imposed isolation that allowed him to obstinately be a martyr for the rest of his life, it was what it would be. I couldn’t change it.
***
I felt myself being pulled from sleep and I fought it. It felt so good where I was. I was warm, and my dream was sweetly blurred. This was a different dream. No images and no plot — simply sensations of electric impulses soaking through me. I wanted to stay in the dream. It was safe here, and I felt completely alive.
A sound vibrated through me, and I was momentarily pulled from that lovely place and into the darkness of a room. I tried to acclimate myself with where I was. A womb, maybe? There was a heartbeat and warmth. A soothing comfort that I innately knew was where I belonged.
The dream wouldn’t let go of me, however. It became stronger, more acute, almost tactile as it pulled back into its depths.
It was tactile. It was warm, and it was wrapped about my entire backside. Ahhh, so pleasant and I leaned into it, wanting more. The dream pulled me closer, reaching around to touch my breasts and slide apart the fabric I slept in. In the darkness, I pressed deeper into them and moaned when I heard my name. My eyes fluttered open, and the dream evaporated.
It was my husband — a dream of a different kind.
I twisted to face him and wound my arms around his neck, kissing his face and his mouth. “You see? You ca
n’t escape your fate,” I whispered, and he groaned and threw back the covers that separated us.
I saw the hawk circling then, gliding lower and lower, intent upon its prey. It rose above me and rent the nightgown easily, laying me bare. The dim light in the room was enough for it for I knew his keen eyes wouldn’t miss a thing. Its wing began at my chin and very slowly swept over me. The wing slid down the side of my neck into the cradle of my shoulder. It separated into fingers, each one working synonymously to examine the texture of my skin. I lay still, letting it become acquainted.
My Hawk moved to my chest, molding to the side of my body and over my hip. He rose and repeated this motion as I listened to the in and out of his breath. Ever so slowly, he gradually moved up to my breast, cupping me and then grazing my nipples. I gasped at the sensation, and he tensed. I was afraid he would fly away so I lay still once again. Eventually, he began again, moving over my belly and into the apex of my sex. With a gentle but firm pressure, he pushed my thighs apart and ran down the skin inside my legs. First one side, then the next. Again I tensed as the sensation caught me by surprise. This time, however, it did not startle the hawk.
Goosebumps rose, and the hairs on my skin became conductors of the energy that lay between Hawk and myself. They began to tingle, to vibrate and the effect was more than I could stand. I heard a whine and realized it was my own. My body involuntarily rose toward Hawk, needing the connection. I offered myself up as a sacrifice to his keen hunting skills. My legs parted wider as my needs heightened. My arms reached and pulled Hawk down upon me. His eyes narrowed as he searched for the precise spot to attack.
In nature, I knew the hawk could not linger. It must attack and withdraw quickly, lest its prize be stolen. It was a creature of the darkness, of mystery and of fear. No one suspected, however, that it was the hawk who feared. The prey never had time enough to witness its own demise. One moment it was there, and the next it was not. Only the hawk remembered. Only the hawk knew where to strike again.
In the dim light, my Hawk towered above me, his bulk blocking the light and I arched toward him, needing more. I yearned to be held safely in those arms. I yearned for something more.
“I love you,” he said as his hips settled between my thighs, his thick cock grazing my sex. I felt his love, then I felt his fear. Tears leaked from the corners of my eyes when the love overshadowed the doubt that stirred like a witch’s brew in his mind.
He struck.
There was a splinter of pain as we became one for the first time and he captured my cry in his mouth. As it ebbed, craving took its place, and my whimpers became pleading.
“Yes, baby, ride with me.”
He licked away a tear and began moving slowly within me, as though forming my inner walls into a shape that matched his own. He arched to withdraw, and I mewed objection, but he immediately returned. Again and again and again.
Hawk made love rhythmically and tenderly, conscious of how I must feel. He would not relent, increasing his intensity until shocks built in my pelvis and traveled up my spine to my brain. Something exploded and my mind was filled with what could only be described as the vibrations of fireworks. I felt no fear. I simply surrendered to the spasms as they shot through me.
Hawk cried out as he plunged into me one last time. He sank into me deeply, as I knew he must be feeling what also came from my body. In the same way, I picked up his energy and it heightened mine and I poured it back into him. Each time I thought my spasm had subsided, he moved incrementally, and I exploded over and over.
“I love you, my Liane. Now and forever.”
I felt more than heard the words. As languid warmth descended over me, he withdrew and rolled to pull me close against him. His body molded over mine and eventually he pulled the covers over us. There was a new scent in the room. I intuitively knew it was our scent of love. It imprinted itself upon my memory, and I drifted, trying to hold on to the dream.
CHAPTER TWENTY TWO
Liane
I will forever remember Australia. I believed that my heaven had come early. During the days, Hawk and I drove all over exploring. I knew we weren’t prepared to go to the more remote, dangerous portions of the inner continent, so I contented myself by visiting the zoos and some of the natural parks. We hiked steep trails and I marveled as each turn revealed something new to me, unknown creatures and flora. I had to exercise some caution, however, as there was poisonous life here that was unfamiliar to me.
We swam in the ocean although there were sharks so we didn’t go out far. I knew they could attack even in the shallows, but we hired some guides who took us snorkeling. At night, we dined on the beach or in a club. Sometimes when we were exhausted from our daytime adventures, we simply soaked in one of the huge whirlpool tubs, rubbing bubbles over each other, then slowly wiping them clear. This always led to lovemaking, and we didn’t discriminate with location. Hawk crept up behind me often, lifting me into his arms and placing me in yet another unique position.
We made love on the balcony beneath the moon, on the back lawn and on the edge of the swimming pool. We spent a particularly interesting evening in the home gymnasium. Hawk had made a game of counting how many positions he could achieve when we were draped over one type of equipment or another. A couple of nights we adjourned to the home theatre and made love on the white leather seats while a sexily salacious movie played in the background. We called it “making love in the round.”
When we boarded the jet to go home, we were replete after our six weeks of bliss. As we neared the U.S. we both began to stiffen, dreading the homecoming. It was likely to be warm and effusive from my dad, but cold and hurtful from Worth and probably Auggie. I don’t know whether she planned to tell Worth, but somehow, eventually, he would find out. The hurt would come then, and the only thing that remained to be seen was whether revenge would be involved.
We arrived home, exhausted but so terribly in love with one another. We barely did anything but make love and sleep. I’d even lost my appetite, and Hawk noticed this one day. “You’re growing awfully thin, my girl,” he said, pinching the fabric away from my body.
“I’m just not hungry. In fact, my stomach has been bothering me. I was sick yesterday morning.”
We looked at one another, and realization dawned. I raced to a drugstore for a home test kit and sure enough — we were pregnant! I immediately made a doctor’s appointment, and he confirmed it. “Did you miss your period?” Hawk asked, still attempting to understand how I’d gotten pregnant. I’d started the pill a few months ago.
“I’ve always been very irregular. I’m embarrassed to say that since we’ve been making love so much, I thought maybe I was, well… you know… kind of ‘worn out?’”
He grinned. “You silly goose. Well, this changes things completely.”
“How do you mean?”
“I’ve been giving this thought since we came back from Australia. This house is under tight security due to my business, but it’s not the sort of place for a baby to be raised. Why don’t we make this an office and build a new home on the rise? The property Mom gave us?”
“I think that’s a marvelous idea!” The idea of living in Hawk’s military compound had never thrilled me and to have a house that we created together seemed like a dream come true. “Do you think we could be in before the baby comes?”
“We can try. I’ll get Mom’s architect on it. I remember she always works best when she’s well paid. I’ll see to it.”
In the meantime, our life settled into a rhythm. I visited with Dad often, and he was completely elated at the news. I knew he was lonely, and the idea of having a grandchild around for him to bounce on his knee was something that would bring him a great deal of delight. I ached to tell Auggie and Worth; it would be their first grandchild after all. I knew it wasn’t my job to share the news, however. I left it to Hawk, and he seemed in no great hurry.
Hawk introduced me to Beverly Dexter, the architect. Just as he had promised, money talked,
and she grew quite excited at the idea of building a home on the high point of the county. She had multiple views to work with and acres and acres of untouched ground. She drew up some preliminary plans for a very modern, almost futuristic design and we heartily approved them. We had loved the clean, open lines of buildings we’d seen in Australia. The design incorporated not only windows in every direction, but inside there were plans for an arboretum, huge tanks for saltwater fish built into the walls and naturally, stables and outbuildings for a variety of animals. Hawk agreed to let me begin raising a few exotic animals which would require some diversity of terrain and housing. I threw myself into research for what I’d need and gave all that information to Beverly. We agreed that the house would come first, and after the baby was born, we could work on the outbuildings. She was sworn to secrecy and professional enough to recognize where her company’s interest lay.
I stopped to see Auggie from time to time, but I avoided Worth. There was something brooding deep inside him. I suspected it had much to do with Hawk. The two of them still hadn’t reconciled. If anything, Hawk held him more and more responsible for his feeling of alienation. It had magnified after the incident on our wedding night when he realized how close he’d come to throwing everything we had away. The memory terrified him. I believe he almost felt as though Worth would hex us.
One night it came to a head. Hawk and I stopped by to bring Auggie some pictures from our trip to Australia. We had all decided not to mention anything to Worth. We were in their family room, the photos splayed out across the coffee table. I was quite animated, telling her about the manor house where we’d stayed and showing her some of the gardens and zoos we had visited. We showed her a picture of us scuba diving and were laughing about my reaction to seeing a shadow I thought was a shark. That’s when Worth walked in.
Auggie’s laughter fell silent, and Hawk’s face turned dark. Worth stepped into the room, and he came over to the coffee table to see what we were laughing at.
