The List

by Alice Ward

  “That looks like Australia,” he commented.

  Hawk took it on the chin. “It is.”

  “I didn’t know you were in Australia. Did you, Auggie?”

  Her chin lifted. “Yes, as a matter of fact, I did.”

  We all turned as Mark walked in. He stopped just inside the doorway, looking confused. Hi, what’s going on?” he asked in a tone that was artificially light.

  “That’s what we’re about to find out,” muttered Worth, turning to sit down in a club chair. “It seems your brother has been on a fairly nice vacation from the looks of it.” He looked pointedly at our hands. “Any reason for that, Hawk?”

  “Liane and I were married in May. You may as well know now. That was our honeymoon.” Hawks’ voice was not defensive — it was simply a statement. The tension was tremendous in the room. “There’s more,” he continued. “You’re both about to become grandparents.”

  “Oh!” Auggie squealed and leapt up to hug me. Worth didn’t move an inch.

  “Auggie, you knew about this?” Worth asked, his voice deadly quiet.

  “Well, not about the baby, but I knew they were married,” she admitted, still holding my hands.

  “Did you go to the wedding?”

  Auggie hesitated and only I knew why. “We weren’t invited,” she said finally, and I felt terrible for her. She couldn’t win.

  “We weren’t invited to our son’s wedding?” he repeated, each word a staccato.

  Auggie fell silent. She had asked not to be put in the middle of this and yet that’s where she was.

  I felt I was the only one who could rationally put this into words. “It was partially my decision.”

  “No, Liane, don’t,” Hawk spoke up. “It didn’t have anything to do with her. It was my decision. You and I have not and will never see eye to eye. The tension in the room at this very moment is proof of that. I felt if you and Mom came to the wedding, there would be some discomfort. I didn’t want that for Liane’s wedding day. It was extremely small. Liane’s father performed the ceremony, and we each had one witness. That was it. You can’t get much smaller than that. We left immediately after for Australia.”

  “Paybacks, eh, Hawk?” Worth spat.

  “Worth, don’t!” Auggie was getting upset, and Mark came up to stand behind her, his hand on her shoulder in support.

  “Well, who in the hell gets married and doesn’t want their parents there?” He was getting increasingly angry.

  “I did,” Hawk said in a firm voice, “and I would do it again. After all, I didn’t think you’d mind. You missed my sixteenth birthday, my eighteen. I don’t remember you being there when I turned twenty or twenty-one. Oh, college graduation? Nope, not there either. What was one more event in my life where you didn’t show up?”

  Mark spoke up. “Well, I think it was a rotten thing to do. You’re so incredibly selfish! You haven’t gotten anything you didn’t deserve. You come back here like some sort of prodigal son and expect everyone to tiptoe around your feelings. You have Mom feeling so guilty that she’s been dealing with horrible depression over all this. You weren’t there for Grandpa when he died because you couldn’t be bothered. You’re an ass, Hawk or Ford or whatever the hell your name is. As for me, I’m sick of the whole mess. Go back where you came from!”

  Auggie’s mouth was hanging open. I could tell she’d never heard anything remotely like that from her youngest son. He was such a kind and respectful young man. My heart broke for her but knew enough to stay out of it. The atmosphere was charged with energy and it actually felt painful to me.

  Worth didn’t let it rest, though. “Mark! That’s enough! Apologize this moment!”

  “No, no, I won’t!” Mark yelled then turned on his father. “This is actually your fault, you know. I’ve heard the stories, don’t think I haven’t. You were wild. Too wild for your own good. You’ve been in trouble with all kinds of people. You alienated him,” he pointed to Hawk, “just because you were too busy to be a good parent. Well, look what you’ve earned. He’s just like you, damn you! Distant, self-absorbed, calculating. He hates me. Look at the way he’s glaring at me! Did you once bring your children together and have any sort of family talk? Did you once ask any of us how we felt about this whole mess?” Mark was literally spitting with anger.

  From the corner of my eye, I saw Marga sneak in, probably hoping to go unseen to her room. She paused and straightened, then came to stand in the doorway. She didn’t look happy about what she was hearing, particularly that Mark was so upset. Auggie was crying by this time, which fueled Mark all the more. Marga’s face was flushed, and I knew she wanted to put in her two cents’ worth, but all her privileges lay with Worth’s permission. She was just like him. She wouldn’t risk losing anything she wanted by sticking up for someone.

  Mark wasn’t done. “I can’t believe you even love Mom,” he threw at Worth. “You’ve put her through hell and knew you were doing it! You see this farm? You know what this is? This is my inheritance, Dad. Keep it! I don’t want anything from you because everything you’ve touched was for yourself. This farm was Mom’s attempt to have a family home. You can give all your money to the people who are just like you. Him!” Mark finished, pointing at Hawk once again.

  “I don’t want his damned money, you little shit! You think that means anything to me?” Hawk was on his feet, screaming. “I only wanted what you had. A family. And you, damn you, you can’t even be that for me, can you? You think it might cost you something? A little bit of your mealy mouth reputation? You think you’re better than me!”

  “To hell with you!” Mark shouted, his young man’s voice crackling with the effort. “To hell with the both of you!” He stormed from the room, and the front door slammed.

  “Ohhhhhh, boy,” Marga cooed and started up the stairs. “Tell me if the house catches fire from all that hot air,” she called over her shoulder as she went.

  Auggie was visibly shaking and crying. Hawk’s face was flushed and very angry. Worth sat stunned except for the muscle jerking in his cheek.

  “Excuse me, but I need some air.” I stood up and made it to the porch before I heaved the contents of my stomach all over a bush. Hawk was right behind me.

  “C’mon, Liane. Let’s get you home.”

  “Thank you,” was all I could muster and although the drive was short, I had the window down the whole time.

  Once I’d settled my stomach with some saltines, I found Hawk on the patio. He was still steaming. I sat down next to him and waited for him to talk. I had another life to worry about now, and I was trying very hard not to pick up Hawk’s extreme anger.

  “Can you believe that?” he began the rant.

  I just sort of shrugged and nodded. I was trying to subdue him.

  “That little shit telling me off like that? I hate the little sonofabitch. Spoiled brat. He thinks he has the world eating out of his pale little hands. Jesus Christ! Where does he get off talking to me like that?”

  I let a few moments pass. “I felt sorry for Auggie, to tell you the truth. She didn’t ask for any of this, you know. She’s been through a lot and not been the cause of any of it.”

  That brought out Hawk’s protective mode. I wondered that he and Mark couldn’t at least agree on the simple concept of keeping their mother out of things. Did they need her as an audience to their rebellion?

  “Ewwww… that Marga. She’s a cool one,” I added, hoping to draw Hawk away from Mark. Mark was just becoming a man. I knew that if things didn’t settle, it could become physical. Once it did, it was very difficult to back off.

  “Aw, she’s a spoiled bitch too. Both of them. That’s what he is, nothing but a whiny little bitch. They have no idea what I went through. They’ve had everything handed to them on a silver platter. ‘Here’s a horsie, here’s a brand new car, do you have a big enough wardrobe?’” he mocked his parents’ indulgence of the twins. “While their asses were riding around on a yacht, I was getting slashed by a gang!”
>
  “Hawk, please, none of that was their fault. If circumstances had been different, you would have been offered the exact same thing.” I sighed, holding my stomach again. “Can we talk about this tomorrow? I really need a lie down. All that energy…” I pleaded with him.

  His face immediately changed. “Liane, I’m sorry. Of course. I forget how sensitive you are to all this. I’ve lived with shit all my life. I guess I’m used to it. Here. Let me take you in and get you settled. Then I’ll make you a cup of mint tea. I think that’s good for your tummy, isn’t it?”

  I nodded and sighed, glad that the storm was over. At least for the moment.

  CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

  Auggie

  The sky grew dark earlier than it should have for that summer night. I knew there was a storm coming in and called down to Lily to make sure the animals were all inside. They would be skittish already. Horses knew when there was a storm coming.

  I replayed the scene in the family room in my head. I’d never heard Mark talk like that. He’d never so much as raised his voice to Worth in all his years. I couldn’t imagine what had provoked him to attack so violently.

  I sighed. That was a lie. I knew exactly what, or rather who had been at the root of it. Mark was more like my side of the family. Very much like Dad. I think that’s why we were so close. It made Worth and now Hawk a bit envious, perhaps. There wasn’t any reason for it. I loved them all equally.

  Marga had to add in her bit of drama. I’d have to remind her of that later when it came time for a prom gown or a sleep over at one of her girlfriends’ house. She needed taming.

  I felt bad that Liane had to witness all that. Surely she must think us a horrible family. Perhaps we are? Perhaps I’d lived with dysfunction so much of my life that I accepted it as normal. I hated to think about that.

  Then there was the news of a grandchild. I wasn’t sure if I hoped it would be a boy or a girl. We seemed to have the LaViere blood in both sexes. Perhaps the baby would be more like Liane; gentle and helpful, loving. In that case, I hoped it would be a girl. It would be difficult for a male to possess those qualities and stand up to Hawk. I knew it would happen. He was too much like his father. It was inevitable.

  I heard the growl of distant thunder and looked out the window. There was, indeed, a storm brewing and it was coming quickly. I went through the house, shutting the windows. Worth was closeted in his study downstairs, and I let him be. I wasn’t in the mood to listen to all his rationale. It would only heat things up again.

  I found Letty in the kitchen, putting away left-overs. Unfortunately, upon seeing all the family at home, she’d started cooking barbecue ribs and salads. By the time dinner was ready, it was only Worth, Marga and myself left, but Marga wasn’t coming down. I thought about taking a plate down to Lily, but Brandon’s car had just pulled into her driveway, and I knew that eating was not on the agenda for her evening.

  I sat in the window seat of my bedroom, watching the lightning. It cut through the darkness like light sabers thrown down by the Gods. I tried to imagine what civilizations thousands of years before had thought about such things. They all thought they were alone; that the entire world only consisted of them and what they knew. How wrong they were. Even today, we only know what we can see. How primitive will we be considered a thousand years from now?

  I drew a bath, filling the tub with bubbles. I needed a good soaking. It was therapeutic for me. The storm escalated in intensity, and the walls of the house shook with the thunder. I grew sleepy and climbed out of the tub, pulling on a sleep shirt and climbing beneath the covers. I hoped Worth would choose to sleep somewhere else. I really wasn’t in the mood for his negativity.

  I’d just flipped on the television with the remote to see how big the storm was when the power flickered and then went out. The house was completely dark. I didn’t hear anyone moving around so I assumed they’d gone to sleep. Worth just probably lit a candle and continued brooding. I wished Mark would come home soon but knew it would only be another confrontation. That’s probably what Worth was waiting up for. I hoped Mark would have the sense to stay at a friend’s. Inspired, I tapped his number, but there was no answer. It went to voice mail. I didn’t blame him. He needed to cool down without any interference.

  I slipped the heavy coverlet off the bed. With the electricity off, the air wouldn’t be on, and it would grow warm in the room. I laid atop the sheets and slipped off to sleep.

  ***

  I was deep in a dream of riding Carlos. He was running at a full gallop, and my hair was flying behind us. We came up to a stream, and he launched us across in one bound. I felt so free, so young, so untroubled. Something was pulling me from the dream, and I resisted. The images of the dream were suddenly vacuumed from my brain, and I awakened to a bright light. Startled and trying to gather my thoughts, I pulled back and grabbed a corner of the sheet to pull over my eyes.

  “Worth? Is that you? Turn off the light, would you? Did the power come back on?” I was only vaguely coherent in my confusion.

  “Auggie.” It was Worth’s voice, but it was somehow different. “Auggie, you have to wake up. Here, sit up and talk to me. I need to know you’re awake.”

  “Worth? What’s wrong? Please take that light out of my eyes. I pushed against the mattress, fighting to sit up. Just then the power must have come back on because the entire room lit up. I realized I’d forgotten to flip off the lamps after the power had shut down. “What’s going on?”

  “Auggie. The sheriff is downstairs. Listen to me. There’s been an accident.”

  “What? What kind of accident? Is it Marga?”

  “No, Auggie, Marga is in bed. It’s Mark.”

  My heart squeezed in my chest, so hard I found it momentarily hard to breathe. “What?”

  Then came the anguished cry I would not forget for the rest of my life. “It’s bad, Auggie. We have to leave for the hospital now.”

  ***

  I hadn’t moved for more than a day. I was frozen, numb, and it hurt too much to think. I wanted to die because surely that’s the only thing that could remove the pain I was feeling. But it seemed my heart insisted on beating. My lungs insisted on taking oxygen in and out. So I continued to live, as unbearable as that living had become.

  They’d found Mark’s truck rolled over off one of the curving backroads. They estimate he must have been driving more than a hundred miles per hour and most likely hydroplaned on the soaked road and lost control. The truck had rolled at least six times and come to rest against an old oak tree. The tree still stood, but my son’s life would be forever changed.

  My sweet, sweet son… my baby. The one who’d been most like me was hanging on to life by a thread. He’d never hurt anyone. He always followed the rules. He’d been caring and considerate and had only risen the one time when he felt I was being hurt. Now I couldn’t help him, only sit by a bed watching machines do what his body was no longer able to do.

  I knew he’d been angry and feeling out of control, and that’s why he’d driven so fast. While I soaked in my bubble bath, concerned about nothing more than the leftovers that might go to waste — he almost died. I hoped he hadn’t suffered, hadn’t laid there in pain, trying to get out, all the while knowing that his life was ending and that no one was coming. That he was all alone. It was unthinkable.

  I dug down into my core, looking for some strength to draw upon, but found none. I didn’t have anyone to turn to. Dad was gone. He’d been my rock. Worth had disappeared. I didn’t know where. Marga was living her own hell. I grappled with the enormity of what lay ahead; the grief and the guilt all alone.

  Mark was in a coma and it wasn’t clear if he’d survive. If he did, he would face months of physical therapy in order to walk again. His back was broken, although his spinal cord had been saved.

  His brain was the biggest concern. So swollen they didn’t yet know how irreparable the damage might be. If he lived, he might not be able to see. Or talk. Laugh again. If he lived,
it might never be outside a hospital bed.

  If.

  The word haunted me.

  The day after the accident, I woke to find Worth gone. They wouldn’t let us stay in ICU, so we’d come home. Marga had screamed that we couldn’t leave him, couldn’t abandon him. Worth had jammed his hands over his ears and walked out the door. I don’t remember much after that.

  My bedroom door opened, and it was Letty with her big, comforting arms. A few steps behind her was Liane and Lily. They circled me as if to calm me with the motion of a group hug. For a moment, I thought they came to tell me Mark was dead, that he hadn’t been able to hold on during the night.

  I began screaming and eventually Letty slapped me, at which point I dissolved into sobs. They had a discussion among themselves, and it was evidently decided that Liane would stay with me. As the others left, she climbed up onto the bed next to me and held my head in her lap. She rocked gently, smoothing my hair and letting me cry until there was nothing left to make tears. She lifted a glass of water to my lips, and I drank thirstily then promptly brought it all back up onto a blanket.

  I felt as though I was drowning. I couldn’t seem to get a breath and flailed for something to hold on to, something solid that would allow me to get my bearings. I needed somewhere to start. But I didn’t know what that something could possibly be.

  Back at the hospital, we were only allowed in his room for fifteen minutes at a time. For that short time, I could hold myself together, talk to him, sing to him, tell him everything would be alright.

  Nothing I’d ever felt before in my life could compare with how I felt inside. Back in the waiting room, I’d dissolve into tears again. Another pill would materialize, and I would fade back into sleep, only to wake hours later to the same hell.

  This cycle repeated itself over the next several days. Liane, Hawk or Marga would sit with me, taking turns reading to Mark or just holding his hand. Nothing changed and I fell into a well of deep despair.