Crave: Addicted To You

by Ash Harlow

  “I can do that. I can manage a safeword if it means not having to explain myself to anyone.”

  “What word do you want to use?”

  He watched her as he thought, and she could see the change in his eyes when he made his decision. “Break. It covers everything, and it’s simple. It says that I need a break, and when I need to take off, I feel I’m about to break.

  “Break it is. And one more thing.”

  “I’ve come to learn that with women, there’s always one more thing.”

  To be honest, there were a lot more things, like how he’d felt beneath her hands when she’d given him that massage. How much digging in those muscles he still needed, because those knots he carried around would take more than a few minutes’ work to release. But she only had to remember the letter from Ray, wanting her money, all-take-no-give, and all the extra things she thought she wanted from Vince vanished. Not becoming involved with the totally unreliable hot guy. “Promise me you’ll remember to use it when you need to, because I’m warning you, if you don’t and you disappear, I’m sending in the search party.”

  “Fair enough. It’s a promise.”

  There was another thing. She needed to talk about what happened earlier, in the cabin, because she had no idea whether she’d overstepped or undershot some sort of mark. Or whether they were going to pretend nothing happened. But this whole boundary thing she was working on, closing gates to prevent a stampede, messed with her head. It made her over-think, and she was so much better being spontaneous.

  “Are they going ahead with the auction to raise money for training more PTSD dogs?” Vince asked.

  Well, that confirmed it. Her father always said something like ‘hesitate and lose,’ and now the opportunity to bring up that touching thing was gone. “Yeah, I think they have a date set. The training program will go ahead whether or not we’re successful with Calliope’s certification. But success with her will be the ideal outcome.” She fixed him with a hard look. “Especially for you and me. I know I have to get my Animal Behavior qualifications first; everything hinges on that. But I really want to run this program at the Sanctuary, Vince.”

  “What? And spend your days hanging about with a bunch of emotionally freaked losers like me?”

  She laughed. “I was thinking more about the dogs. Why the interest in the auction? Are you going to put yourself on the block?”

  Vince groaned. “They’re not doing that guy auction thing, are they?”

  “Yeah, we were going to ask if you’d offer yourself up as Ultra Hot Stud for a Night guy. What do you think?”

  “I’m still sitting here, Lulah, because I know you’re joking. Tell me I’m right.”

  “I think you might need some practice.”

  “Lulah. Boundaries! Wrangle the cattle.”

  That felt better. Back-to-full-speed Lulah, free from speech censorship. “Didn’t I tell you? I’m going to test drive all the guys up for auction.”

  Vince shook his head. “Be careful, now. You keep this up, a guy could easily get the wrong idea.”

  “Or the right one.” She laughed. “Look at your face.”

  “What?”

  “You look mortified. I’m considered quite desirable by some men, you know.”

  “I don’t doubt you are.”

  Now he seemed troubled.

  “Ah, come on, I’m teasing.” Lulah toyed with her glass. “Vince, you know, before, when we were inside?” He stared back at her, shifting uncomfortably, and she knew she was awfully close to a boundary she tried to ignore. His emotions seemed to be on high alert tonight, switching back and forth, never quite finding a position to settle. “I’m not going to pretend that there wasn’t some kind of connection in there. I would have been right on board with that, Vince.”

  He stood and pushed his chair back. “Really dangerous ground here, Lulah.” He stacked the plates, but Lulah pulled them from his reach before he could clear them away.

  “So what? Are you going to walk away whenever a conversation becomes too difficult?”

  He sighed and dropped his head back. “Probably, yeah. I’m a mess. You know that. I didn’t come here promising anything. Once Calliope’s trained, I’ll get out of your hair. You can forget about me.”

  “Sure, I’ll forget about you, no problem. Sounds good. Leave those dishes; I know you have other stuff to do.” She wanted him out, gone. He confused her, and she handled this badly, letting him slide under her skin. Even if he wasn’t looking for that spot, she’d opened things up, positioned the signposts. Heart this way.

  He gave her a shrug. She hated the chicken-shit brush-off of a shrug. Hated what it said and didn’t say.

  Calliope was at his side, watching every gesture, each step. “Come along, girl,” he said to the dog, his attempt to smile a failure. “Sorry, Lulah. I’m so far away from being ready for any of this, it isn’t funny. Right now, I scare the crap out of myself, okay? And that’s more than I’ve admitted to anyone. So much in my life is in turmoil that I can’t think of anyone or anything beyond sorting things out for Gable. I told you I wouldn’t lie. Thanks for dinner.”

  She stopped him when he reached the porch steps. “This thing with Calliope, it’s up to you whether we continue with her in the program. Nobody’s forcing you, Vince. And she’s your dog.”

  “She’ll be there.”

  He went down the stairs and across the yard. As usual, Calliope stuck at his knee, watching out for him. Sometimes his walk was easy, a relaxed stride that ate up the ground. Other times, like tonight, it filled with tension, barely containing every anxious thought and reaction that stuttered through him.

  Lulah returned inside and started to clean up the kitchen. She had to step back from Vince, because this wasn’t doing him any good. In fact, she seemed to be making things worse for him. All that emotional pushing and pulling proved he didn’t have a handle on this any better than she did, and she no longer seemed to have a handle on this stuff at all.

  Certainly, he was feeling pressured, and that was unfair on him. What the hell was she thinking, giving him that massage, straddling him? Straddling him! Oh, Lord, somebody held her self-control boss hostage tonight. Time to step back and become friends again.

  Touching him had been nice, though. Those muscles all bunched up over his neck and shoulders, filled with knots that were like physical punctuation marks for each sleepless night, each nightmare and flashback, every frustrating instant when someone he tried to deal with didn’t understand. So much, she wanted to work on those knots to rub away his mental pain.

  Her spontaneity now seemed cheap and disloyal. A massage and a lap dance, as though providing some sort of social service for a returning vet. No, worse actually, because she had only been driven by what she wanted, and he had moved her along in a gentlemanly manner. Yup, heading to hell on a blazing chariot with a couple of crazy horses pulling her ride.

  An hour later, the light still blazed in the barn, and she could make out the silhouette of Vince at his workbench. His traditional high and tight Marine haircut had grown beyond regulation length, and she guessed he’d be tidying that up soon. Tidiness appeared to be vital to his wellbeing right now. As if keeping order all around him would keep order in his head. From what she saw, either he didn’t realize or didn’t want to admit he had no chance at all of holding his psyche together through sheer will.

  Recently she’d taken him tea before she went to bed, and she filled the kettle, setting up a tray.

  Vince opened the door as she attempted balancing the tray in one arm while pushing at the door with the other. “Let me take that for you.” He looked calm.

  “I’m not here to bother you—”

  “You’re never a bother, Lulah. Don’t think like that.”

  “I’ll leave you to your work. I can collect the tray tomorrow.”

  “Can’t you stay for a bit? I like having you here, even if you want to read or listen to some music or whatever. Share the tea with me.” H
e placed the tray on his workbench, and she followed, keeping a safe few-feet distance, giving him space.

  Giving herself space.

  “Vince, earlier on the porch, I was mean. I didn’t intend to be. Confusion, you know? I wasn’t sure what happened.”

  He poured the tea as he spoke. “When you touched me, that was amazing, but if we let things go farther, I’ll ruin it. That’s why I need to pull back when I do. Know that when I’m doing that, I’m thinking only of you, and I’m right on the edge.”

  “You really want me to step back, train Calliope, and stay out of your way?”

  He reached for the mug of tea they shared, their fingers brushing as he took it from her grasp. For the next two breaths, he watched her intently before raising the mug for a drink, eyes still on her over the lip of the cup. When he handed it back, he held on to it when she gripped the handle.

  “More than you know. I feel it, too, that charge we get from each other. And you bring me peace, Lulah. Having you in that chair while I work, having your silence and your physical companionship, that calms me. I don’t understand why, but it allows me some rest from the chaos. No, I don’t want you to step back, not even a little bit. But this,” he released the mug and opened his arms, “this is all I am.”

  “I understand,” she said as she curled herself into the armchair. He moved away, picked up his sandpaper, and started back on the neck of the carousel horse.

  Hell, this was worse. The clue lay in the peace and calm thing he’d mentioned. He thinks I can make it better for him when what I want is for him to make it better for himself. No matter how hot he is, no matter how exciting the attraction between them was, she didn’t want him relying on her for his wellbeing.

  Her father had pretty much done that to her since the day her mother walked. And clearly she was crap at the job. An idiot only had to look at the situation her father was in right now to see it.

  She had to be strong and help steer him away from her towards people who could fix him. Mostly, she was thankful to have made that little discovery before things went any further.

  Chapter Eleven

  A couple of minutes after seven a.m., Vince returned from his forest run with Calliope. After some breakfast, he would drop Calliope off at the Sanctuary for training and get over to Lulah’s to pick up Gable’s wagon. Why was the kettle taking so long to boil? Oh, hell, he was so wired at the thought of seeing Taryn and Gable. The pressure inside made him feel as though he would erupt.

  The run hadn’t burned off much of the crazy, so he dropped to the floor and went through a rapid routine of push-ups and sit-ups until Calliope joined in and started licking his face.

  He stopped his ridiculous workout to give her head a rub. “Did a certain person teach you to do that when my pressure built too high?” He continued rubbing her, and the bird’s nest of tension in his chest unravelled. His breathing came easier, and now it was possible to picture himself driving up to his old home without a corresponding escalation of anxiety. This was good. Well done, Calliope.

  He poured his coffee and took it through to the bathroom, because he was concerned about his appearance. He wanted to present a picture of normality to show that he could take care of himself without any crazy obsessive shit going on. That stuff set Taryn off. And it would depend on her mood as to whether ‘crazy shit’ would be classed as turning up military-groomed, homeless unkempt, or something in between.

  Last week, he’d taken his hair close to a Marine high-and-tight. A habit he was yet to ditch, and if he glanced around his house, he’d have to admit that everything was at Marine standards. Even the shrubs in the yard were clipped into submission. Others called it topiary, but he knew it as order, and the way he’d clipped them turned them into lousy hiding spots for…

  Who was he kidding? Right now he felt mad as a snake.

  Pulling to a stop at Dog Haven Sanctuary an hour later, Calliope gave him the oddest look, as if she wanted to stay with him rather than do some training. Usually, she would hurl herself out of the vehicle for a quick wrestle with Joker or Justice, but today it was that ‘you need me’ stare. Vince held the door for her. “Come along, princess, my crisis is over. Off to school with you.”

  He walked with her down to Sanctuary HQ. People would be milling about, drinking coffee before starting for the day. The volunteers received their duties, Lulah as the drill sergeant, Marlo the captain. As he turned into the kitchen area, he stopped. Lulah and Mike were by the coffee machine, and Mike crouched, getting something from a low cupboard, his hand resting behind Lulah’s knee to steady himself. She laughed.

  Laughing! Yeah, deadhead, that’s what she does around normal, happy, upbeat people.

  Neither of them noticed him, and he went to leave, but at that moment Calliope pulled the leash from his hand and bolted past him to greet Lulah. She turned and caught Vince at the door.

  “Hey, Vince…”

  Her face changed. Seeing him erased her smile, made her serious, ruined her moment with Mike. Fuck, this hurt. He focused beyond her, out through the doors that opened to a courtyard. Others gathered there with a small assortment of dogs.

  It was Saturday, therefore more casual than the weekly routine. He’d done enough volunteer work at the Sanctuary over the last year to know how it worked. His focus stayed on one of the interns teaching a dog food refusal using his morning donut.

  “Vince?”

  He pulled his gaze back to her. Goddess-imp-freakin’-perfection. “I don’t want to bother you. I’m dropping Calliope off. Can I grab her from your place later?”

  “Sure, but aren’t you coming into town tonight?”

  “Town?”

  “Yeah, remember, we were all going to meet at Be Hoppy? Beer, pizza, pool.”

  “Oh, right, I remember. I’ll see you there.” Calliope returned to him, and he held her leash again, gripping it like some sort of lifeline. Under Lulah’s gaze, he relaxed his hold to pass it over to her, turned, and left.

  He’d actually spent a lot of time trying to forget about the meet-up tonight. The bar was busy on a Saturday night, so it would be noisy, too many people. Marlo and Adam would be there, though, and he could do with some of Adam’s good sense right now. And, of course, Lulah would be there, most likely dressed up in something that would almost kill him each time he glanced at her. And Mike would be hanging off her like a lovesick hound.

  The trip out to his old home passed quickly. It was completely the wrong way to go about a visit, but he knew if he asked Taryn if he could come and see Gable, the answer would be no. If he turned up, there was always a chance Gable would be playing outside and he could see her before Taryn snatched her away into the house.

  He made the last turn into the street slowly and kept the pace of the pickup at a crawl, giving himself time to once more rehearse what he was going to say.

  When he knocked on the front door, Taryn answered in an instant. “Did you forget—”

  “Hi, Taryn.”

  “I thought you were Andrew.” She seemed confused, peered quickly beyond him, and pushed to close the door.

  He put a hand up to stop her. Aww, crap, he didn’t want to fall into this sort of shit. “Sorry. I know I should have called, arranged something, but I’ve no idea how we’re doing this stuff these days. I have something for Gable; I’d like to give it to her.”

  “Go away, Vince.”

  “I believe I have the right to see my daughter.”

  “You don’t have any rights. You’re damn lucky I didn’t have you locked away after that last stunt you pulled.”

  “That wasn’t a stunt—”

  “Are you receiving help or are you still flipping out?”

  “Please, let me see Gable. I want to give her something. Let me spend some time with her. Hell, even thirty minutes. Come on, Taryn, I’m begging here. She’s my daughter.”

  “She isn’t here.”

  “What? Where is she?”

  “She’s out with Andrew.”r />
  With Andrew? What the fuck? The Jerk-off? Christ, control, control, control. He studied his shoes and counted forwards and backwards—one to ten, ten to one—up and down the scale until he could trust his voice again. “What time will they be back?”

  “They’ll be back when you’re gone. Now leave, Vince.”

  He shook his head. “I’ll wait in the pickup until they come home.”

  “Let go of the door and get off the property or I’ll have you removed. Your smooth-talking buddy’s not here to help you this time. I’ll call the police.”

  He released the door and walked back to the truck. Incongruous as it seemed, he admired Taryn’s strength. It was good to know that such a formidable woman took care of his daughter. He climbed into his truck and sank low in the seat. Without a doubt, she would call the police, and if that happened, any chance of seeing Gable would be blown.

  He took a few seconds to stare at his house, see if he could find the shift in the curtain that meant Taryn watched him. She was a fast mover, and the idea that she might already be on the phone to the cops spurred him into action. He’d have to go through his lawyer after all. Maybe she could try again to set up some access to Gable for him. He started the truck and headed back towards town where he could grab some lunch and take a hike out to the lake.

  He stopped at a bakery for some food and a drink to take on his hike, and as he exited, someone called to him. Across the street, he saw two guys who he recognized from the Marines. They invited him to join up with them for the afternoon, and even though he knew he should continue with his idea to hike out to the lake, maybe swim, nothing had gone as planned so far, and he went and joined them outside the bar where they sat. If he stayed for an hour, there’d still be enough time to reach the lake. But ten minutes later, he had a beer in his hand and a weakening resolve for a hike.

  Lulah placed the second dog bowl on the porch, setting a reasonable distance between Joker and Calliope. “Seems your daddy’s a no-show.” She stood back and watched each dog lift a bone and carry them off to their favorite eating spots in the yard. Where had Vince got to this time? Adam and Marlo would be along in half an hour to pick her up. Mike was catching a lift with them, too. She hadn’t made transport arrangements with Vince, so she hoped he would meet them at the bar.