Shattered Bonds: Book Seven of Wicked Play

by Lynda Aicher

  “You’re leaving.”

  Without her saying a word, he knew, and it killed her. His cheek was pressed to her hair, and she sucked in a deep fill of his scent, holding it in until she had to let it go. Like him.

  “There’s no justifiable reason for me to stay with you anymore,” she said, too chicken to look at him out of fear of what she’d see or not see.

  His chest lifted beneath hers with his deep breath. “You’re right.”

  Her stomach swam with the same mix of illogical emotions that had plagued her all day. She wanted him to beg her to stay, yet there was no way she could. “I’m not walking away from you,” she clarified, her words thick. “You understand that, right?”

  His simple agreement didn’t come close to expressing what he was feeling or thinking.

  He pressed a kiss to her head and squeezed her tighter. “But you’re pulling back. I don’t blame you.”

  That was when she understood the monotone of his voice. It was the shield he used to hold his feelings in. He’d started to let that down with her, and now it was back. Could she really go through with this?

  But this wasn’t about her.

  If she said it enough, she’d remember that. It was what she had to do to help him.

  “It’s not about blame.” She buried her nose in his collar and took one last inhale before easing back. His expression showed nothing, the hard placidness so ingrained she doubted he even realized how coldly it came across. But his eyes, those expressive eyes that said more than words, were dark with disagreement. “When you understand that, maybe you can move on.”

  “Liv.”

  A warning. She gave him a soft smile and tucked her hand beneath his suit jacket so it lay over his heart. Rapid but not racing. She was learning to read him, this man who gave away nothing.

  “I care about you. Very much.” Her throat burned with the words she wasn’t saying. “But you’re not ready for me. Us. And I can’t—” she blew out a breath. “I can’t be something you doubt. I might be selfish, but I want all of you and I can’t have that if your heart’s not whole.”

  He blinked a few times, staring over her head as his hands fisted against her lower back. His heartbeat increased, its tempo solid against her palm. “I want to fix it,” he whispered. “I just don’t know how.”

  She sniffed and fought to hold it together. “I think you’ve started,” she said, proud that her voice was even. “Go from that. I’ll be here to help however I can, but you have to do it.”

  He cupped the back of her head, forced her closer, and she spent every second memorizing him. The way he fit against her, the hard lines and firm hold. The rich cologne and subtle cedar scent. His strength and kindness and that hidden vulnerability he kept bundled behind the very power that had held her up through the accident and aftermath. She absorbed it all until he slowly let her go. Feet moving back first, hand drifting down her shoulder and off, the other sliding from her back until his touch was gone.

  With a ragged swallow and more determination than she’d ever had to call upon, she memorized the thump of his heart then let her hands fall from him. The loss was tangible, the wrenching of her heart a physical pain in her chest. It didn’t help that she’d been preparing for this all day. If anything, it seemed to make it worse.

  He tipped her chin up, a light touch that sent a tremble through her. His eyes shone brightly, sadness so clear and deep she almost chucked her resolve. She bit her lip to hold it in instead.

  “I love you,” he whispered. So soft and tender, a breath filled with emotion that she wanted to dive into and keep.

  “I’ll be here when you’re ready for me,” she promised, her voice catching on the urge to reciprocate his words. But she couldn’t let them out. Not until he was ready for them.

  She quickly grabbed his hand, pressed a kiss to his palm then turned away to swoop up her bag. The tears were impossible to hold back and they flowed down her cheeks when she turned back to him. “I’m not leaving. I’m just walking away for now.”

  He gave a slow nod, hands shoved deep into his pockets. “I’m sorry. God, I’m so damn sorry.”

  “Don’t be, please.” She wanted to touch him again, to wipe away the self-recriminations that hung in his words and posture, but she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to let him go if she did. “I’ll see you tomorrow. I… I’m not abandoning any of you. This is my family now, too. You’re a part of my family.” She offered a faint smile and swiped the wetness from her cheeks. “We’re still here for each other.”

  “Keep the car.”

  Her head was shaking before her words came out. “I can’t—”

  “Damn it, Liv.” His growl was fierce with a determination she recognized. “Use the car. I have to know you’re safe. I can’t—” He clamped a hand over his mouth and stared out the window for several long moments before he let it fall. “Just do it for me, please.”

  All her refusals, her stubborn independence that had kept her from accepting Vanessa’s repeated offers were swept aside by the open need in Noah’s expression. “Okay.” Her throat was cut and enflamed with everything she was holding back. “I’ll go pack up my things at your house now.” She swiped away a fresh tear before it could fall, and made a swift exit.

  Leaving sucked. Bad, hard and all of those other descriptors that meant her heart was breaking as clearly as Noah’s already was.

  But it wasn’t about her… What a lie.

  She rubbed away more tears and let the elevator take her away from the one thing she wanted to keep.

  *

  Noah had no idea how long he’d been sitting there when he became aware of someone taking a seat next to him. He stared at the floor though his clasped hands, not seeing either. His elbows dug into his thighs to remind him that he wasn’t made of stone like he wished.

  A nudge to his leg had him wobbling with the motion. A bob that confirmed he was still alive. He knew that though. The ache in his chest that seemed to have moved into every fiber of his body said he was very much among the living. He hadn’t died with Beth, even though he’d wished it back then.

  “What happened?” Deklan.

  The man’s low question was succinct, yet Noah’s real answer would be very far from it. He gave his usual instead. “Nothing. How’s Kendra?”

  “Bullshit.”

  “Kendra’s bullshit?” Noah asked, deliberately being obtuse. Deklan didn’t respond.

  In many ways it felt like the world was revolving around him. People moved, talked, did their jobs, laughed, cried and went about their lives when he’d been surviving in stasis much like Kendra, only walking about instead of lying in a bed.

  Until Liv. She’d awakened so many things he’d thought long dead. Now he was losing her, too. Might’ve already lost her.

  “It hurts,” he finally said, not sure exactly what he was referring to.

  “What happened?”

  How did he answer that? Noah scrubbed has face and sat up. His back muscles protested, a twinge making him grimace and stretch before he slumped against the seat. “What hasn’t?”

  Deklan’s sharp snort of agreement gave him a bit of comradely understanding. “None of us died,” he finally offered, the hesitation sucking away the offered optimism. Kendra was still an unknown, even though the doctors were hopeful.

  Noah studied the other man’s profile. He’d found a razor in the last day or so. His beard was back to a dark shadow, bruises almost gone, replacing the wild look with a quieter acceptance maybe. It wasn’t resignation though.

  “They’re going to try and bring Kendra out of the coma tomorrow.” Deklan’s statement was spoken so evenly that anyone who didn’t know him would think he didn’t care. But Noah did know him. The man could be a reflection of himself at times.

  “Keeping it quiet?”

  “Yeah.”

  “All right.”

  Noah got that, too. The fewer who knew, the fewer the expectations. The weight he and Kendra’s family
carried was at its breaking point already. Adding the burden of everyone’s hope and possibly shattering it was too much. The outcome was something they had to discover and deal with before they could share it.

  “Is it Liv?” Deklan looked to him then, searching without invading. He already knew the answer. That was clear.

  “Yes.” Evading was pointless. Denial done. “And Beth.”

  Deklan nodded, lips compressing in a simple move of understanding. “It’s hard to let go of something like that.”

  Noah agreed, although he didn’t know if Deklan was referring to Beth or Liv. They all knew about Beth. The three men had silently supported him when it’d happened by simply being there, giving him work when he’d been ready to throw everything away.

  Yeah, Deklan, Jake and Seth were the brothers he’d never had. He would never be a part of their inner circle, their bond going back to childhood. But they’d been there for him when others had ostracized, doubted and accused him without knowledge.

  “How do I?” Noah asked, still unsure to which he was referring.

  “Do you love her?”

  Liv. “Yes.” The admission didn’t hurt like he’d thought. Instead it flooded him with hope. With the dream of what was waiting for him if he could just grab it.

  “Then seal the past and let it go.” Deklan cleared his throat, his gaze roaming the room before settling back on Noah. “I have someone you can talk to. He helped me when I left the military.” He rubbed the back of his leg, eyes drifting closed for a moment. “Deal with Beth so you can live with Liv.”

  The puff of mirth from Noah was reflexive. “That’s what she said.”

  Deklan gave a half smile, his dimple making a faint appearance that reminded Noah of how long it’d been since he’d seen it. “Smart woman.”

  She was. Too good to lose.

  Deklan had no idea if Kendra was coming back to him, when Noah had Liv right there waiting for him. It was unfair. Wrong in so many ways it hurt his head to think about.

  “I’ll take that name,” he told Deklan.

  Deklan grabbed his phone, tapped on it for a moment before Noah’s phone buzzed in his pocket. “Tell him I sent you. He’s part of the lifestyle, so he won’t judge on that.”

  “Do I know him?”

  “Maybe. Does it matter?”

  He thought on that. “No. Not really. Thanks.”

  Deklan stood and stretched. Exhaustion almost hung from him in visible weights of wrinkled clothing and pale skin marked by dark circles under his tired eyes. “I’ll let you know when tomorrow.”

  The implied desire for him to be there when they brought Kendra out was humbling. “I’ll be here.”

  The man gave a tight smile, nodded and left, his boots echoing down the hallway long after he was gone from Noah’s sight.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Liv shoved the box onto the shelf and wiped off the dust on her palms before grabbing another one. Stretched on tiptoes, she gave it a toss to get it in the last available space on the top shelf. More dust billowed up, and she reeled back, coughing. It’d been a long time since the storage shelves at the center had been that full.

  She wiped the sweat from her brow with the cuff of her long-sleeved shirt and glanced at the five boxes still needing to be stored. The surprise donations had poured in all week. Food, crafting and school supplies; new clothing and sports gear; even nonperishable food had been included in the random deliveries. It was a good problem to have and she wasn’t complaining, but where was it all going to fit?

  After the windfall from the carnival in August, this boon gave her more funds to put toward repairs. Maybe add programs and staff. Hopefully she’d see a drop in the gas bill with the new heater that had been installed in early October. And the roof repairs meant no more buckets in the hallway or gym.

  Scheduling quotes and budgeting for the next six months had been another task that had blessedly kept her from dwelling on Noah. As if she could shut down her doubts and rethoughts and over-thoughts and every other thought that spiraled through her mind, questioning if she’d done the right thing.

  They’d passed at the hospital a few times in the week since she’d moved out, and his stony expression had softened just a touch each time they’d talked. It was a bit of hope, a dangling carrot that said she hadn’t messed up completely. She’d feared his complete rejection when she’d walked out and was grateful that hadn’t happened.

  He’d also shown up to do his hours in the homework room when she’d half expected him to bail. Not touching or hugging him had taken a shot of willpower that had almost failed. She’d pasted on her sunny smile though and left him to the kids before she’d broken down.

  She heaved out a long breath and stared at the floor, exhaustion seeping into her muscles. Almost a month of running, worrying, helping and praying to any entity that would listen was taking a toll on her. Add to that the second-guessing over Noah, the nightmares that still plagued her and the pathetic bit of sleep she managed each night, and she was past worn out.

  She couldn’t stop though.

  “Liv.”

  Vanessa’s call reached into the cramped closet and offered an excuse for a needed break. She popped her head out the door and spotted two of her favorite people coming down the hallway. “Hey, guys,” she called, happy for the distraction. Vanessa and Holden both greeted her with hugs and smiles. “What are you doing here?”

  “Helping my sister,” V said. The jeans and forest-green sweater V wore were probably designer, but her heels were a measly two inches instead of the four-inch ones she usually sported, so it was possible that V intended to volunteer in some way. Liv doubted it.

  Holden chuckled behind V and winked at Liv. “I’m going to head into the gym. Who’s in there today?”

  “Shelly’s the lead,” Liv answered. “The kids are going to go crazy, so watch out.” Holden hadn’t been at the center in close to two months, and he’d been missed.

  He jogged down the hall to the gym doors and the resulting squeals of excitement that echoed back to them had Liv laughing. She’d warned him.

  “It’s great that he still finds the time to get here,” she told V. “You got yourself a good one with him.”

  V’s gentle smile said she agreed. “What’s all of this?” She motioned toward the boxes that spilled into the hallway.

  “Donations.” Liv shook her head. “I’ve been swamped by a sudden influx of them this week. Most of them anonymous, too.”

  “Really?” V stepped up to peer at one of the labels. “Books?”

  “Yeah. Isn’t that great?” Their small library of used books had been in need of new titles. “You wouldn’t happen to know anything about this, would you? Reaching out to more contacts, maybe?”

  V lifted her shoulder in a noncommittal shrug. “No, but you might check with Noah. He mentioned something about spreading out the offers for help that had come into The Den.”

  Liv gaped at her sister, mind scrambling. “This all came…but…why? Why would he do that? And why would they want to help me?” She wasn’t a part of that community. They didn’t even know her.

  V studied her. “How many days have you been at the hospital since the accident?”

  “I don’t know,” Liv sputtered, not following.

  “Every one,” V answered. “How much of your own money have you spent on food and magazines and whatever anyone there needed?”

  “That doesn’t matter.”

  “How many miles have you logged driving between everywhere?”

  “What does any of that have to do with the donations?”

  “Oh, sis.” V cupped Liv’s face and gave her a soft smile. “You honestly don’t get it, do you?”

  “What?” She was starting to, but the thought of the donations being payback or something seemed to nullify her actions. She didn’t do any of it to get something out of it. “I don’t need anything back. That’s not why I helped them.” Was that what everyone thought?

 
; “Stop that.” V gave her a shake. “I know what you’re thinking, and nobody thinks you had an ulterior motive. This is nothing more than a pay-it-forward thing. There were people wanting to do something to help, and these donations do that. You help us, we help you. It’s a human thing and has nothing to do with lifestyles or clubs.”

  Liv sniffed back the tears and narrowed her eyes at her sister. “Who are you, and what have you done with my Ice Queen sister?”

  V’s full laugh put a smile on Liv’s face. “She got melted by Liv, the good witch of the north.” She nodded toward Liv’s office. “Come on. I brought you lunch.”

  “Great.” She suddenly realized she was starving. Food hadn’t been a priority lately. “I’ll grab drinks and napkins.”

  She returned to her office to find her sister laying out takeout containers. The spicy scent of curry shoved her hunger into overdrive. “You’re the best.”

  “I know,” her sister said, a smirk on her lips. She licked sauce off her fingers and accepted the napkin Liv held out to her. “I got some good news for you, too.”

  “Really?” She’d take any she could. “Is it about Kendra or Tyler?”

  “No, but we just came from there. The stress level has mellowed out now that everyone’s out of the ICU.” They’d both been moved to the rehabilitation floor in rooms next to each other. Kendra had come out of her coma with a bit of memory loss and fine motor skill impairment on her left side. She was talking and interacting with people but was still dealing with bad headaches, and the doctors were concerned about seizures.

  The cumin and almond flavors of the curry burst on Liv’s tongue to her low hum of appreciation. “This is good,” she mumbled around the food then took another forkful before sitting back to savor it instead of inhaling it like she wanted to. “So what’s this news then?” she asked after she’d swallowed.

  V slipped a large envelope out of her bag and handed it to Liv without a word. Her smirk had Liv hesitating. She wiped off her fingers and flipped open the end to peer into it before she dumped the contents onto her desk.