by C. A. Harms
“I’m sorry about that.” Greer’s apology was the last thing I was expecting. “They just showed up and there was no way to stop them. The next thing I knew, the house was overrun.”
I didn’t like the fact that she felt as if my home was so untouchable that I’d be offended if she’d been the one to decide to throw this party. I stopped walking, and when her arm caught on mine as she tried to take her next step, she turned back to face me, giving me a curious look as she looked around, as if wondering what could have made me stop.
“I want you,” I said, and her eyes widened.
“Right here?” she asked, looking around once again.
I chuckled. She was so fucking cute.
“What I meant to say was that I want us,” I clarified. “I’ve been thinking a lot over the last few weeks, and I know I told you that I want you to stay.” I stepped in closer and curled my arms around her waist, pulling her near.
She tilted her head upward and looked at me with a hopeful expression. God, she was beautiful.
“But what I should have said was I want you to move in with me and the girls.”
Her eyes widened in surprise. “Darren, I can stay at the rental house,” she insisted. “My family rarely uses it, and they don’t mind.”
“I know you can,” I assured her. “I just don’t want you to. I want you with us. On most nights we’re together anyway, so why worry about whose place we’ll end up staying at? The girls love it when you’re at our house. They love waking up and sharing breakfast with you. I love it too.” I leaned in close and pressed my lips to hers, giving her a gentle kiss. “I want you with us,” I whispered. “Not just today, but every day.”
“Darren.” I could hear the panic in her voice. She wanted to give me all the reasons why we shouldn’t, but none of them mattered to me.
I wanted her in my arms. I wanted to start building a life with this gorgeous, kindhearted, unbelievably special woman. Nothing about what she and I shared made me doubt taking this step.
“I said I wanted to stay, and that wasn’t a lie. But I still have so many things I need to settle in St. Louis.”
My chest tightened. I didn’t like to think of her returning there, because it only made me think of the things she’d left behind. It made me think of the fucker that broke her heart, and honestly I didn’t want her within ten feet of that prick. He was a slimeball, and I wouldn’t put anything past him. I figured that as soon as he found out she was back in town, he’d be looking for a chance to dig his way into her life, and that left a very unsettled feeling in my stomach.
“I have my apartment and all my things,” she continued to ramble nervously. “I have my car and all my bank accounts. “And my mom will need help settling my father’s affairs.”
I could almost feel her retreating.
“What if we invited her to stay too? Gave her a fresh start here,” I asked. “How do you know she wants to go back? Have you talked to her?”
“She’ll go back,” she stated. “All her memories of my dad are there. All his things. The life they shared and all he ever worked for.” Her voice shook, and I could sense her panic.
“We should go back,” she added as she began to back away. “Leaving your house unattended with all those crazy women in one room can’t be a good thing.” She laughed as if she wasn’t freaking out on the inside. But instead of pushing her more, I dropped the subject—for now, but this wasn’t the end of the discussion.
I’d allowed myself to dream of a life with Greer, and it would take more than her panicked backpedaling for me to give up that dream.
***
Greer was avoiding me. She wasn’t ignoring my calls or my visits, but she made sure we always had a buffer between us, whether it was one of the girls or a member of our crazy-ass families. We barely had any time alone.
My conversation about her moving in had pushed her into freak-out mode. I knew she was still grieving the loss of her father, and from experience I knew that everyone grieved in their own way. And I wasn’t sure how to soothe her now that I’d made her doubt our relationship by bringing up her letting go of the one place that held memories of her father.
The whole thing had me freaking out a bit myself. I wondered why the hell I’d pushed, but I honestly didn’t think it would scare her off. I’d hoped it would prove just how much I cared for her and how much I needed her in my life.
“We’re staying at Greer’s house,” Vivian announced in a singsong voice as she skipped past me through the living room. Violet trailed closely behind, wearing a tutu.
“Cookie party,” she chanted over and over, twirling and giggling.
The front door squeaked, and I looked up just in time to see Greer and her mother enter.
“A cookie party?” I asked with a raised brow.
They had picked the girls up after their ballet class so I could finish up some invoices for a recent construction job. I’d fully intended to have a talk with Greer tonight, because we had already put it off too long. But now this cookie whatever had put my plans on hold once again.
“I hope you don’t mind, but after we picked up the girls, we stopped by the store,” Greer said with a shrug. “We ended up in the baking goods isle, and Betty Homemaker here”—she pointed her thumb toward her mother, who smiled brightly—“Decided we were having a cookie party. And, well, the girls got so excited I didn’t have the heart to decline when they asked if they could come too.”
She looked at the floor when my gaze locked on hers. “It’s something she and I did often when I was growing up.”
“So they’re staying at your place, which means you’re staying there too?” I asked, knowing the answer and doing my very best not to show how displeased I was.
She nodded, and instead of looking at me, she looked toward the hall the girls had just disappeared down. Laughter spilled from their room, which gained Wendy’s full attention.
“I’ll go help them get ready.” She hurried off after them without giving either of us a chance to respond.
I didn’t speak right away. Instead, I watched Greer closely.
She fidgeted as she fisted her hands at her sides and shifted her weight from one leg to the other. Frankly it pissed me off that we had reached this point.
“Does it freak you out that much?” I asked before I could stop myself.
She looked up at me in confusion, but I wasn’t dumb. I knew she understood. “Is it so hard to face the fact that I want you in my life and my girls’ lives?” She remained frozen as I stepped toward her, staring back at me and worrying her lip.
“That the idea of you leaving us terrifies me?” I added.
Greer blinked rapidly, and I knew she was trying to fight back tears. I had been around her enough to know that meant she didn’t want to show how much she was hurting.
“It’s not that,” she whispered.
“Then what is it?” I asked.
Silence set over the room, which only irritated me more.
“I’m going back to St. Louis on Saturday,” she said, looking at the floor once again.
My legs grew weak, like the weight of the world was now pressing heavily on my shoulders and I could barely stand. I struggled to breathe, feeling like I’d been kicked in the stomach.
“What?” I whispered in disbelief.
“My mother and I were going to go back home and—”
“Saturday is only three days away. When the hell where you planning on telling me this?” I asked, not caring how pissed off I sounded. “What were you gonna do, just wake up and fucking leave without a word?”
She flinched when I raised my voice. I didn’t want to yell, but damn it, how the hell did we go from barely being able to keep our hands off one another to not even being able to have a conversation?
“No,” she whispered, sounding hurt. “We just decided last night. There’s just so much that still needs to be handled after the loss of my father. Things both of us ignored during our grieving. Things we
have to settle.”
“So that’s it?” I asked. “You’re just going to walk away?”
“I’m not walking away, Darren,” she said, stepping toward me. “But I can’t leave her to face it all on her own.”
I wanted to call bullshit on her excuse. I wanted to tell her that other people could do all that shit for them. I wanted to say she could handle everything through phones calls, e-mail, and, hell, fucking Skype for that matter.
But what was the point? She had made up her mind without even asking how her leaving would affect me or my girls.
The anger that last fact instilled in me outweighed everything else. The idea of my girls being brokenhearted nearly crippled me.
They loved Greer.
God damn it, I loved Greer.
But before I could demand that she give me one good fucking reason for leaving, I heard my girls’ laughter and the tapping of their feet as they barreled down the hall into the living room. They both carried a small bag over a shoulder, wearing the biggest of smiles.
“We’re ready,” Vivian chirped.
“Me too,” Violet screeched as she wrapped her arms around Greer’s legs and squeezed tight.
I didn’t even look at Greer. I couldn’t. I was too worried I’d fall apart in front of my girls. Once again, I felt like I was falling, just like I had when I lost Lynn. All I could feel was anger and frustration. I did my best to hold it together as I said my good-byes and I helped the girls put on their shoes. I kissed them, hugged them, and when Greer took each of their hands in hers, I watched them walk away.
My throat burned and my chest ached.
How was I supposed to let her walk out of our lives?
Chapter 28
Greer
I should have enjoyed the night with the girls, but I couldn’t forget the anger in Darren’s questions. He didn’t give me the chance to explain. He wouldn’t even look at me.
I needed him to understand that I had to do this. That I wouldn’t be gone forever, just for now. I had to stand by my mother now, because we would need each other’s support.
My mother had shared the news of her plans over a cup of coffee. I should have been happy because her decision meant she was moving on, but it devastated me.
She was selling my father’s home.
The place that held all my childhood memories and the special moments we’d shared with my father year after year.
The place where I’d had all my birthday parties and sleepovers. Where Tucker and I would play in the backyard for hours until we were forced to come inside.
Hell, I’d had my first kiss on the front porch—the same place my daddy had put the fear of God into Tobias Renner when he walked in on that first kiss.
To this day, that story made me smile. Tobias Renner was a stinker. Had I known that just a few hours ago he’d been kissing Margo Mayor under an oak tree in Wilson Park, well, I would have been the one to chase him off with a baseball bat, not my dad.
I didn’t want to let it all go. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I didn’t want another family to be able to create memories in the same home that held all my most precious ones. It was the last place we had seen my father laugh and smile. It was his home, the place he worked for, the place where he kept us safe. The idea of never again being able to walk inside and smell his rustic cologne made my heart ache. Or never being able to see his favorite recliner with the blanket I had made for him on one of his birthdays tucked safely in the corner.
I was having the hardest time letting go, and I guess somehow I’d hoped going home with Mom would help change her mind, even though I knew deep down that she had made her choice.
I wanted to be the supportive daughter that hugged my mother and told her that her decision to move to Vermont to be closer to Aunt Stella was a good choice. But I just couldn’t. I was torn, so confused and frankly at a loss over what I should do or how I should feel. I was being childish, and I wanted badly to let go of this sadness, but it was all-consuming.
It broke my heart to think of leaving Darren and the girls even for a while, but I had to deal with this pain and I needed closure.
I had to say good-bye to my father, no matter how much it hurt.
But Darren had never let me explain any of this. He’d been so quick to assume I could just leave them and never look back. That almost hurt worse than my grief.
I just hoped Daren could forgive me in the end. That he could find a way to understand why I had to do this and that we could move forward together.
But for now, he seemed to need time to be angry and to place blame. That became evident when I dropped the girls off Friday afternoon to find Dean waiting for me. The fact he conned Dean into babysitting was a definite sign that he wanted distance. I wanted to explain, but when I drove to his office to confront him, he wasn’t there either. When I called, it went to voice mail.
And when I sat on the back porch that evening staring at his bedroom window, no light came on. His home was vacant, and knowing he was avoiding me nearly broke my heart.
I cried myself to sleep that night, torn between just letting go of everything back home without a fight, or taking a chance that Darren may never forgive me. Neither option was good. And when I loaded my bags into the trunk of the rental car on Saturday morning, I felt like I was slowly falling apart.
“Are you ready?” my mother asked as she placed her hand on my shoulder and offered a gentle squeeze.
I only nodded in response as I rounded the car and got behind the wheel. The light click of her seat belt as she fastened it made me jump in surprise.
“You don’t have to do this,” she said. “You can stay here and I’ll be sure to—”
I shook my head. “I have to do this,” I told her. “I need to do this.”
As I backed out of the driveway, my heart began to break. When the car was in Drive, I began to cry as I looked into the rearview mirror to see the place where I finally found love disappear from sight.
I could barely see the road in front of me as I slowed the car. For a moment I listened to the voice in my head that screamed for me to go back. It demanded that I make Darren understand I had every intention of returning to him and the girls.
My mother remained silent at my side, and somehow I knew she felt my pain. But each time she tried to convince me to stay, I told her I had to go.
I slowed to a stop and closed my eyes for a moment, just breathing through the ache.
Deep breath in, and deep breath out. I repeated the instruction over and over until I felt a little less overwhelmed. I pulled my phone from my purse and dialed Darren’s number, knowing full well I’d get his voice mail again. But I couldn’t leave without him knowing the truth.
The girls’ giggles filled my ear, just before Darren’s husky voice spoke.
“You got our voice mail. You know what to do.”
It was the most precious voice mail recording I’d ever heard, and it triggered the tears once again, only this time I did nothing to stop them.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered after the beep. “I’m so sorry you think I could leave you all without it breaking me inside. I wish I could speak to you instead of your machine and tell you this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.”
Deep breath in. I slowly released it, trying my best to hold it together.
My mother remained at my side, silent and understanding.
“I love you,” I confessed for the first time. “And I love Violet and Vivian. And I’m gonna miss you all so much.” That didn’t even begin to describe what I felt. “Please don’t hate me, because I don’t think I could bear it if you did. You’ve given me so much, and I need you to understand that you all have my unconditional love always. I never intended to leave you and never come back. I planned to come back to you all. I’m just worried now that you won’t want me, and that thought hurts so much. I love you all,” I said in a rush before I ended the call.
My mother tried then to offer me support by
reaching out to lace her hand on my shoulder, only I couldn’t take it. I shook my head as I gripped the wheel tightly and willed the tears to slow. I needed calmness at this point. I needed silence.
I slowly stepped on the gas and the car began to move again, leaving behind my heart.
Chapter 29
Darren
I was no longer built for nights like last night. It reminded me why I chose to stop at two beers on any given day.
Even I was repulsed by the way I smelled. Cigarettes and booze.
Somehow my good judgment disappeared and I allowed my brother to convince me that I needed a night out to forget my troubles.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
We ended up at the club where Dean worked as a bartender and ended up closing the place down.
I could have handled Dean, I think. But his friends were insane. Vic and Will had a tolerance for alcohol like I had never seen before. They guzzled two beers to my one and did shots in between.
And when I say “shots,” I mean tons of shots.
I let the younger guys pressure me into trying to prove I wasn’t the old ass they referred to me as all night. And now I felt like I’d been hit by a Mack Truck. My head was pounding, my stomach was rolling, and I felt like I’d eaten a sponge.
I couldn’t even remember exactly how I’d gotten back to Dean’s room. Normally the sounds of his excessive snoring from my left would have kept me up all night long, but not once had they fazed me.
Until now.
I nudged his shoulder and he responded with a deep groan. He showed no signs of offering me any help finding my shit, so I set out to look on my own. I needed to find my phone, but the room was so fucking dark I could barely see my hand in front of my face.
Who the hell had black damn curtains covering every window?
Dean, that’s who. The asshole partied often and didn’t want the light of day interrupting his recovery time. Me, I just wanted to find my phone and get downstairs to clean away the proof of my bad choices before my parents got up. I wanted to be showered and wearing a fresh change of clothing before the girls woke. Then I’d load them up, go to Greer’s, and together we would show her all the reasons why she should stay here with us.
