Just as I’d been afraid of him doing, Mason got quiet. I shouldn’t have said anything really. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel stupid,” he muttered.
I brushed the back of my hand down his spine, making him turn toward me. There was interest there in his gaze, but also worry, and more than a little fear. I stopped touching him before I could go too far down his back. I didn’t want him to bolt on me.
“You didn’t. I was trying to save you the time of having to explain things to me. The last time I was at the rescue, Evaline gave me a long lesson in horse care, most of which I remember. I’m definitely not fit to train a horse, or work with green ones like you do, but I can probably put on a halter and groom up a fairly calm horse if given the chance.”
“Have you ever considered volunteering there? Eli definitely needs more people all the time.”
I could tell that he admired Eli when he talked about him, which was nice. I wondered if he had a crush on him or if he loved him too. “Are you dating him?”
“Eli?”
I nodded.
Mason laughed. “No way. He’s in love with this guy named Grayson who is way older than us but not in a creepy way at all. Like they work out well for each other, and Grayson is super nice to me whenever I’m at the house, which isn’t often. They live in the mountains and most buses don’t go there, and I don’t have a car. The gambling bus to Central City gets me close, though, and Eli sometimes just picks me up from there. Or we’ll go up together after work.” Mason shrugged and fell quiet again. He started to play with the sheet around his hips a bit. I wished he would take it off, but I knew that was too much to hope for. Also, if I did have him naked and all to myself, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to resist touching him some more. I needed to get that need of mine under control, but he was so damn tempting all of the time too.
“You’re gorgeous,” I whispered, unable to help myself as I brought my hand to his shoulder.
He shook his head. “No, I’m not.”
He had no idea. “Can I kiss you?”
Mason gave me a shaky nod, and I put the camera aside as I crouched down next to him. The kiss that I gave him was soft and gentle. I didn’t want to rush this or scare him away at all, but I needed to touch him again. I ran my fingers down his smooth chest. I wanted to pull the sheet away from his body and have him bare under me, even if it was just to see him, just to be able to touch him, and not even to have sex with him. But as I dragged my thumbs down his ribs, he froze under me. He was even more scared than before.
“What are you worried about?” I asked.
Mason shook his head. Maybe he was going to lie to me and say he wasn’t worried about anything, but I knew the truth. Something was bothering him. “If you’re not out, that’s okay. I’m not asking for a date here,” I tried to reassure him.
He lifted his gaze to mine. “Then what are you asking for?”
“Just a kiss. That’s all this has to be.”
Mason didn’t look convinced at all. I’d never go further than he said I could, but I wanted so much more from him than what I’d been able to have so far.
“What do you actually want? Do you want me?”
He looked afraid while asking me that. As much as I wanted to reassure him and tell him something to calm him down, I didn’t want to lie to him either. “Yes. I would love to have sex with you, if you would let me.”
There was a moment, a fraction of a second, in which I thought he might have said yes, but then he shook his head. “I can’t. I’m sorry,” he mumbled.
He didn’t need to be sorry, and I definitely didn’t need an apology from him for anything. “You don’t have to say sorry to me about that. Can I ask why?” Maybe he had a boyfriend or someone he was interested in that he wanted his first time to be with instead. I’d never put much value on my own virginity, but maybe he did on his.
Mason chewed on his bottom lip for a while before he decided to answer me. “It’s complicated, and I’m afraid.”
I could understand being scared. I’d been with enough virgins to know that they usually experienced some level of anxiety about their first times. “Being afraid is okay. It’s a big deal having to trust someone that much not to hurt you and to take your safety and health seriously. I can’t help the complicated part, but I can promise you that if you ever change your mind, I’d take care of you.”
“That sounded rehearsed,” he said with a smirk.
I chuckled and kissed his cheek as I got back to my feet. “It wasn’t.” When I was standing up, I realized I was hard enough that he had to notice through my pants. And by his blush, I was sure that he had. “It’ll go away soon,” I promised him.
He looked up at me with so much fear and determination warring in his gaze. “Could I see the rest of you?”
I’d do whatever he wanted me to in that moment. “Can I see you too?”
He hesitated, but he did put his hands on the waist of the sheet that he’d bound around his hips. “Will you promise not to touch me if I take this off?”
I nodded. “I’ll be over here. You can be there.”
“Can I get a beer first?”
His cheeks were already flushed, but that might have been from arousal and not from being intoxicated. I didn’t know anyone who couldn’t handle two beers, especially since he was taking the bus back and not actually driving anywhere, as far as I knew. I nodded and went to get him one. When I came back from the kitchen, he had the sheet off. The material was splayed about his narrow waist, and he was looking up at me. His body was as lean as I had expected. He was also soft, though, which I wasn’t expecting, especially not with how ready for him I was, even though I knew I’d get to do nothing but look at him.
“Here you go.” He took the beer silently from me and took a long sip before putting it down on the floor by his feet.
I took off my shirt, tossing it over the back of a nearby chair. He was watching me, his mouth slightly open. As I started on my pants, he drank some more of his beer. “You okay?” I asked as I pushed down my pants. I didn’t wear underwear, so losing my pants left me naked in front of him.
Mason nodded and leaned back on the bed. He looked comfortable, but he didn’t touch himself. He only watched me, and for once I was the one naked, exposed, and on display. I didn’t particularly like the feeling of being on the other side of the lens so to speak, but I wasn’t exactly reaching for my pants to put them back on either.
He sighed and looked relaxed, but now I was noticing just how intoxicated he likely was. His gaze was unfocused, even on me. “Is the only reason you’re doing this right now because you’re buzzed?”
Mason nodded, then seemed to think better of it as he shook his head. My decision was already made, though. I came forward and covered him back up, making sure not to touch him any more than I had to.
He closed his eyes and turned onto his side, curling up in the sheet. I wanted to let him rest it off, so I pulled my pants back on, and I left the room, only to return a few minutes later with his clothes that had gone through my dryer. I figured that I’d give him an hour, but twenty minutes later he came out of my studio fully dressed and ready to leave me again.
“Thanks, I guess the beers hit me a lot harder than I thought they would,” he said, as he stared at his feet. His hand was on the knob to my front door.
“For the beers or for not taking advantage of you?”
His cheeks turned dark red. “For the second.”
“Don’t get that drunk around other people.”
Mason twisted his hand on my door. “I know. I’d like to go now.”
I could see that easily. “I’m not stopping you. Take care. Unless you want a ride somewhere?”
“I’d love one, but I can’t. It wouldn’t be good.”
I could put the pieces together easily enough. “To be seen together? Because you’re not out?”
He nodded. “Yeah. So….”
“See you later?” I filled in for him.
Mason nodded, then left my house. I sank onto a nearby couch and rubbed my forehead. I hated how vulnerable he’d made himself and how close I’d been to compromising him. If I hadn’t noticed the changes in his demeanor… if I had been just focused on myself and on my wants and needs and not on him as well…. I shook my head.
Chapter Five
Mason
MY MOM wasn’t home when I got back, but John was. And he looked angry as he stood in the front doorway, blocking my entrance to the house even before I’d fully walked up the steps.
“Where the hell have you been?”
He grabbed me by my arm before I could say anything and jerked me inside. “I was at work,” I mumbled. I didn’t drink and the rich, dark beers had hit me a lot harder than I’d expected them to. Whatever they were, I knew not to drink them again. My brain was still foggy an hour after leaving Oliver’s place.
John slammed the door behind us, effectively locking me in the house with him. I could have left, but where would I have gone? There was no one I was willing to explain this to.
“Stop lying to me. You know how much your mom and I hate that. You weren’t at work. I stopped by to see if you wanted to go out to have lunch together since your mom is out with her friends, and do you know what they said? Do you?”
I swayed a little on my feet. “No. I don’t.”
He shoved a finger hard into my chest. “That you were off today. Your breath reeks of alcohol. What were you doing, and who were you with? All of your friends work at the rescue, so it couldn’t have been one of them.”
I turned away from him. Really I just wanted to go upstairs to my room to get away from him. “I was just out. Sorry I lied. I’m going to go lay down.”
“Oh no you’re not.” He dragged me over to the couch and pushed me down until I was sitting. Then he sat down beside me. He put his arm around my shoulders and kept me there, holding me still at his side. “You’re going to sit right here where I can see you until you learn your lesson about lying. Who were you out drinking with?”
“No one.”
He roughly shoved my head forward. I was already dizzy, and he was just making it worse. “Wrong. You weren’t out drinking alone. Who were you with?”
I smacked his hand away, but he went right back to touching me. “No one,” I said again.
“So you’re drinking now? Since when?”
I hated how angry he sounded. I’d had a beer and a half. It wasn’t that big of a deal. “Since today.” It was the honest truth.
He got up and went to the fridge. I was surprised that he had a beer in each of his hands when he came back. “Here you go, then. Since you’re drinking so much now.”
“I’m good,” I said, pushing the drink away. But he pushed it back toward me. “I don’t want it.”
“You’ll drink it, and you’ll like it, and then the next time you think to lie about where you’ve been or who you’re with, maybe you’ll remember that there are consequences for your behavior.”
I’d never seen him this angry before. I took the drink before things could get worse. I drank it as fast as I could, and I choked on it. John barely touched his. He seemed to be too busy looking at me. As soon as I was done, he took the bottle from me. My head was spinning, and I lay back on the couch to try to think clearly again, but it didn’t do much good.
I jumped as he laid his hand over my thigh. He was barely touching me, but it was still way too much. “Stop.”
“Or what?”
I pushed his hand away, but he put his hand right back on my thigh. I jumped to my feet and stumbled as I tried to walk. I needed help and took out my phone to call Eli. As soon as I had my phone out, John stopped coming toward me.
“Hey, what’s up?”
I stared at John as I spoke to Eli. I felt safer that way. “Hey. Can you come get me?”
“Um…. Sure. What’s up?”
I had no idea what I was going to tell him when he got here. “Just, can you hurry?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
I couldn’t let him hang up. I was too worried about what John would do to me if Eli did. “Will you stay on the phone with me while you drive?”
“Definitely. Are you safe right now?”
“Maybe.” Really I didn’t know. I’d never seen John like this before, and I was scared.
“Do you need to call the police?” He sounded worried now. Maybe he had good reason to be.
I shook my head as I walked backward toward the front door. I didn’t want to turn my back on John. As weird as he’d ever been, he’d never been like this with me before. “No, I should be okay.” At least I hoped that I would be. John tried to come toward me, but I opened the door and let myself out just as quickly. I slammed it behind me and started walking.
“Talk to me,” Eli said. I could hear his old car rumbling in the background. All of Grayson’s money and Eli wouldn’t let his boyfriend buy him a new car. “Tell me what happened.”
I couldn’t. I had no idea where to begin. “I had a fight with John,” I said simply. It wasn’t even part of the truth, but I couldn’t tell him the rest of it. I just couldn’t. I didn’t even know what I would say.
“Did you come out? Did he find out about you?”
“No, nothing like that.” Shit. I should have picked something else to say. I didn’t anticipate Eli asking me questions, but I definitely should have. Of course Eli would want to know what was going on with me. We were friends. That’s just what friends did for each other.
“I’ll be there in another forty-five minutes. Are you safe until then?”
I was cold and it was getting kind of dark out, but I was fine. “Yeah. I’ll be at the convenience store by my house when you get here. I’ll buy you some gas as a thank-you.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Eli didn’t have to say he no longer worried about gas now that Grayson was in his life. I knew that just fine.
IT TOOK him almost an hour to get to me, and by then I was sitting on the curb by the gas station, shivering and pulling my jacket around me. At least I’d thought to wear that. It wasn’t that bad out, at least it hadn’t been, but it was my favorite jacket, and I wore it as often as I could because it was comfortable. But it also wasn’t very warm. Not when it got to be freezing at least.
Eli pulled up in front of me, and I got in his passenger seat. I thought Grayson might have come too but then realized that if he had they would have taken his car and Eli wouldn’t have been driving. Eli really didn’t like driving Grayson’s expensive car.
“Tell me what happened,” Eli said as we started driving away.
I shook my head. I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to give him something. “He found out that I’d been drinking.”
“And he got upset? Why?”
Eli was right, just that little bit of information didn’t make any sense. I had to tell him more. “I was with someone, a guy he doesn’t know about.”
Eli glanced at me, then grinned as he turned back to the road. “So? Tell me all about him.”
There really wasn’t a whole lot to tell, especially since I didn’t know much about him. “Oliver is a photographer. I met him online when I responded to one of his ads looking for a new model. He’s… older, not as old as Grayson is, but still older than us. Maybe in his thirties? He lives south of Denver.” That was pretty much everything I knew about him.
Eli still looked curious, but now he was kind of frowning too, almost like he was trying not to scowl. “So you were with Oliver, you drank a little, John found out, and then you called me? There’s something you’re not telling me. What’s going on? Really this time.”
I sighed and picked at the hem of my shirt. “You’d be mad, and you really don’t want to know.”
“Mason….”
I shook my head. “Eli, please. It’s not horrible.” At least it hadn’t been yet. “But it’s not good either. I just needed some time away from home. Thanks for coming to get me.”
It
seemed that he wasn’t quite done yet, though. “Is it John or Oliver? The person you need help with?”
“John,” I mumbled.
Eli pursed his lips. He looked angry now, not that I blamed him.
“Really, Eli, it’s no big deal. It’ll be okay. I’ll be moved out soon, and then everything will be just fine. You’ll see.”
“Is he hitting you?” Eli demanded.
“No, nothing like that.” At least I hadn’t thought he ever would do anything like that, but that had been before I’d seen how angry he’d been tonight. I didn’t want to think about what he might have done if I’d stayed there.
Eli pulled off the highway onto the dirt at the side of the road and turned off his car. He turned to me, and I stared down at my hands. “If he’s not hurting you, then what? Does he do stuff? Does he touch you?”
I didn’t want to talk about this. Not with Eli or anyone else. I couldn’t. But even as I tried my best not to think about it, I still nodded, and then somehow I was also crying.
“Fucking Christ,” Eli swore. I glanced over at him as I wiped at my eyes. He was shaking. “Scratch going home. We’re going to the police.”
Before he could start up his car again, I reached over and took his hand. “No. We’re not.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“Because he doesn’t do….” I had no idea how to explain this to him. It sounded crazy even in my own head. “He doesn’t rape me,” I finally decided to say, my voice barely more than a whisper. “He…. He kisses me sometimes. On my cheek. And he touches me a lot. But it’s not….” I hated that I was making excuses for him and minimizing what he was doing. It made me uncomfortable and it freaked me out, but I didn’t want Eli to think that John was raping me or anything like that, because he wasn’t.
Eli took a deep breath. Then he shook off my hold on him. “What he does, does it make you feel bad?”
I nodded. It definitely did.
Safe and Sound Page 4
