Safe and Sound

by Caitlin Ricci

  She was trying to be understanding. I could see that. And then, finally, she sighed. “Of course. I’m going to call your aunt tonight. I haven’t talked to her since they moved when you were just a kid, but I want to let her know what her husband did. Will you tell me what he did?”

  I didn’t want to talk about it, but I figured she needed to know some things. I hadn’t been able to describe what I’d been through as a kid very well, and after trying the first time and having no one listen to me or believe anything I was saying, I’d simply stopped really trying to tell them any of it.

  “I was never raped, by anyone, but he kissed me a lot and he….” I really didn’t want to say this. “He put his hand in my underwear sometimes.”

  She looked murderous. “I’m going to kill him.”

  Good for her. Someone should. I was just exhausted from all of it. I wanted to find a bed, and maybe a hot cup of tea, and then just go to sleep for a while until this whole nightmare I’d been living for the past year could be officially over.

  Soon after that, Eli and Grayson came in, and it was a regular party, only if everyone in there wanted some people dead and I just wanted to find a bed to crawl into where I could hide under the blankets for a while. Eli pulled me away from Oliver, and I went into his arms. My mom wasn’t happy about that, but I’d always been really close to him. Somewhere along the way, or maybe when I was seven, I’d stopped being as close to her. Eli was my best friend, but he was no longer my only absolutely safe place, and Oliver kept his hand on my calf, keeping that connection between us alive.

  Eli and Grayson didn’t say anything. They shook hands with Oliver, and Grayson patted my back, then went to go sit with my mom.

  Things were quiet after that, and soon my mom got up to leave. “I am going to call your aunt, and I’ll keep John away.”

  “I don’t want to know what Aunt Mary has to say. It doesn’t matter to me,” I told her.

  She didn’t look so sure. “Really? What if he’s dead or in prison or something?”

  I shrugged. “It wouldn’t change anything about what happened to me, so I don’t need to hear about it. I’m good never hearing about him again.”

  She leaned down to kiss my cheek, and this time I did get up to hug her. “It’ll be okay,” I promised her.

  She laughed a little, but her laugh sounded brittle and forced, like she was trying not to cry any more than she already had tonight. “I’m supposed to say that to you.”

  I rubbed her back and then she left. Eli stood up with me as soon as she was gone. “I want you to go home with Oliver.”

  It took me a moment to realize that he hadn’t been here for the conversation where I’d said that I was.

  “Grayson and I are staying here tonight to make sure John doesn’t come back and try anything with the horses. But you need a break from this, and Oliver doesn’t seem like a serial killer, so I think you’d be okay there.”

  I hugged him. “Okay.”

  “But only if you’d feel safe there.”

  I looked over to Oliver just in time to see him roll his eyes. “I’m not a serial killer. That almost sounds like a compliment.” At least he was smiling.

  Eli flipped him off, and I managed to laugh a little.

  Chapter Eight

  Oliver

  I MANAGED to get Mason back to my place at almost midnight. Unfortunately Chester was there waiting for us. He hugged me, and then he noticed Mason in my front seat. “He’s had a really bad night. I was bringing him here to hang out in the spare bedroom for a week or two.”

  “God, he’s even cuter in person.” He started to go to him, but I pulled him back.

  “Gently,” I told Chester.

  Mason was watching me closely as Chester opened his door and brought him out. “Hey,” Mason said, shoving his hands into his pockets. He looked between us.

  I sighed. “Let’s go inside. We can talk in there at least.” I wasn’t used to having Chester just stop by like this.

  “Are you okay if I just go to bed?” Mason quietly asked me as soon as we were in the house.

  He was probably exhausted. “Sure. Of course. Chester, just a second?”

  Chester waved me away and headed into the kitchen. I saw him pull a beer out of the fridge as I took Mason upstairs. “This is the spare bedroom,” I said, showing him the room. There was a futon at least. He’d have a place to sleep for a while without anyone bothering him. I hugged him close. I couldn’t get enough of hugging him tonight.

  “Thanks,” he mumbled. “Um… are you going to have sex with Chester tonight?” His cheeks went bright red. “Never mind. Sorry.”

  “No, I’m not.” I definitely wasn’t in the mood for that tonight.

  “Okay. I’m sorry I asked.”

  I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it. You’ve had a tough night. Plus, I know things are a little weird between us right now. We’ll be downstairs tonight if you can’t sleep.”

  He gave me a half smile. “Thanks.” Then he went into the room and I closed the door behind him.

  “Holy shit,” I said when I was back downstairs with Chester. He’d already found a movie for us to watch.

  “Sounds like it. You look shaken. Want me to make you feel better?”

  I shook my head. “Not tonight. Just…. Not right now.”

  He didn’t look happy about that, but he still nodded. “Okay. Whatever you want. Whatever you need. I’m here. You know that.” He cuddled into my side, and I put my arm around his shoulders. But as much as I wanted to spend time with Chester, as much as I cared about him, I couldn’t stop thinking about Mason upstairs all alone and probably hurting.

  “I’m worried about him,” I said.

  Chester nodded. “You look like it. You care about him, and you like him.”

  “I do.”

  “So why isn’t he another of your boyfriends, then?”

  I wished that the answer was simple, or that I could say that Mason and I were talking about it, but the truth was that as long as I was with Chester, and really as long as I wanted to have open relationships, I could never be with Mason.

  “He expects monogamy.” That was the easiest answer by far, but it completely missed the mark on the far more personal matter that was how I thought Mason desperately needed to have another friend in his corner right now, not someone looking to get him into bed. I’d want more than that. Of course I would. But I knew myself, and I knew how much I enjoyed sex. There would be nothing simple or easy about dating Mason, and that was usually a big turn off for me. Open relationships were complicated enough. Messy guys just brought in more complications that I did not need. But still, I wanted to have Mason be part of my mess.

  I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. “I want him,” I grumbled.

  Chester just laughed. “Obviously. I’m surprised he got so under your skin. And so quickly too. If I was the jealous type, I might feel a little put off by this strange new development in your demeanor. Do you know what you need?”

  “Something stronger than beer?” I guessed.

  Chester rolled his eyes. “Could you love him?”

  “Probably,” I said with a sigh. “Given time.”

  “So really the only thing standing in your way of being with someone you could potentially love is what? Me and how much you like open relationships. Right?”

  I nodded. That pretty much summed it up.

  “So end things with me and go be monogamous for a change.”

  He was crazy. These things definitely didn’t work that way. Plus, I cared about Chester. I didn’t want to hurt him. And yet, he was grinning at me like an idiot. “What?”

  Chester poked me in my stomach. “I’m serious. We have fun together. We always have and, you know what, we always will, because who else is going to go to art shows with you and stare at pictures all day? That’s the most fun thing we do together. The sex is icing, but there’s a guy upstairs, an extremely cute guy, that looks at you like he needs you. A
nd you’re obviously head over heels for him. So the question really comes down to this: do you think you’re capable of being monogamous?”

  I hadn’t tried in years, and I didn’t want to hurt Chester just on the chance to maybe be with Mason. I cared about them both too much for that, and Chester didn’t need to get his feelings hurt by me.

  “It’s not going to happen, so let’s just stop talking about it.”

  “Really?” He didn’t look at all convinced. “Do you love me?”

  He knew I didn’t. We were always very honest with each other and our feelings. I shook my head.

  “But you could love him?”

  I shrugged. Maybe I could. I didn’t now, but maybe someday I could feel that way about him.

  Chester kissed me on my cheek as he got up from the couch. “Oli, I adore you, but I’m breaking up with you.”

  I rolled my eyes. He was the one being an idiot. “Sit back down. We’re watching a movie together. Right?”

  Chester shook his head. “No, darling, we’re not. Go be in love. Try that for a while. There’s more to life than sex. We’ll always be friends, and I will talk to you tomorrow. Don’t forget, we’re taking photos at the Butterfly Pavilion on Saturday.” He blew me a kiss and headed for the door.

  I was still staring after him as he left. He must have closed the door loudly because Mason came down not much after Chester had left. He sat down close to me, but not so close that he was touching me.

  “Is Chester coming back?” he quietly asked.

  I shook my head. “We broke up.” Sort of. It was strange, and I was still trying to make sense of what had happened between us in the last few minutes.

  “Because we kissed?” He sounded worried.

  “No, because I don’t love him and he doesn’t love me and there’s more to life than sex apparently.”

  Mason looked confused, but now he lay down beside me, his head on my thigh. “I thought you were both fine with not loving each other. Isn’t that what you told me earlier?”

  I needed to pick my words carefully. “It is, but he wanted me to have a chance with you, and that can’t happen with him in the picture. We’ll still go out as friends, though.”

  Mason was suddenly sitting up next to me again. “I can’t do that. Not yet at least. Why would you two break up over me? That seems insane.”

  Maybe it was, and maybe it wasn’t. “I’d like to have the chance to date you, someday, and Chester realized the only way to do that was if he and I weren’t together. It was his idea. I didn’t do anything.”

  Mason rolled his eyes. “So you’re completely innocent in all of this then, huh?”

  I was so glad that he was still able to play games with me even after everything he’d been through, especially tonight. “Yeah. I guess so.” I decided to go back to being serious with him again. “Do you need anything?”

  He shook his head. “Not really. I was just having trouble sleeping.”

  I ran my fingers down his arm and then to his side. I liked touching him, and also how a touch could just be a touch with him. Every time I had my hands on him, it didn’t have to lead to anything more between us. It was just me touching him and enjoying that simple contact between us.

  “A lot happened tonight,” he mumbled.

  It definitely had. “Your mom seemed okay with you being gay.”

  He smiled a little at that. “Yeah she did. That was nice.” He yawned and came even closer to me, which was surprising since I didn’t think there was really any more room available between us.

  “I like having you here.”

  “Thanks.” He yawned again. “Can you be with just me? Someday, I mean.”

  I really hoped that I could. “Yes.”

  “Even though I’ll never be open to what you had with Chester?”

  I tried not to think about it like I was giving up something, because I really wasn’t. My sexual needs were pretty basic. It wasn’t like I needed some kinky thing that only Chester had ever been able to give me and I couldn’t share with Mason. I’d still get the best of times with Chester. I’d just have to be careful about how I was around him. Things were going to be complicated at first. I knew that. And I also knew that we’d be able to get through it just fine. There just had to be boundaries first, and Mason and I needed to have set limits about what I could, and could not, do with other people since flirting had always been easy for me.

  “What do you consider cheating?” I quietly asked him. This was a heavy conversation on top of an even heavier night, but I thought it might be okay to talk to him about this. It needed to be done at the very least.

  “Sex.”

  That was easy. I had to make him dig deeper than that. “Kissing? Hugging? Cuddling on the couch like we are now? Saying that I care about another person? Looking at the mole on his ass to see if it’s gotten bigger and he needs to get it checked out? Going to a steam room together where we’ll both be naked? Holding hands? Going on vacation together without you?”

  He shut his eyes tightly, and I was sure that he was being overloaded, but with open relationships I’d long ago learned that there was a whole range of what cheating was and was not, and it was all individual. Mason and I needed to have this conversation so that I knew where his boundaries were and he didn’t have to worry when I went out with Chester.

  Mason sighed and sat up beside me. He looked sad and a bit lost, but still plenty awake enough to have such a serious conversation with me. “Hugging is fine, I do that with Eli. That’s what I’m basing this on—what I’d do with him. I’d cuddle him. I have before. And it’s fine by me that you still care about Chester and that you tell him that. Holdings hands is fine too. I think. And a vacation together isn’t that big of a deal. Same hotel room?”

  I nodded. We always had shared one before.

  “But not the same bed, right?”

  “Definitely not.”

  Mason pursed his lips. “I’d rather that you not be naked with him, or be seeing him naked. But you take photos of guys who are naked all the time, right? I mean, you did with me when I was under the sheet. And sometimes you have sex with those guys. Did you even when you were with Chester?”

  “Sometimes, yes. We talked about it and decided that sex when it meant nothing was not cheating,” I tried to explain to him.

  “To me it would be, though.” He was starting to look upset, which is not what I’d been trying to get at when I brought this up.

  I reached over and took his hand. “I know. And I’d be pissed if you had sex with someone right now because we hadn’t talked about it. That was always the big deal here. Communication and respect. It wasn’t cheating when I had sex with those guys because Chester and I had talked about it first, just like you and I are talking about it now. You said you’re not okay, so it’ll never be happening again.”

  “But you’ll still see them naked. Won’t you?”

  As much as he may have wanted me to, I couldn’t stop being a photographer, and my portfolio and clientele were not all about cute puppy pictures. I nodded. “Yes. It’s just work, though. It’s art. It’s not sex, and even though I may get turned on, I can do my job without acting on my impulses or my desires.”

  “You kissed me, though,” Mason pointed out.

  I remembered that. “Yes, I did. I’m not going to apologize for kissing you, or for finding you attractive. That was something I could do while I was with Chester. It’s not something I’d do now. Think about it. There’s no rush.”

  “I know there’s not, but I don’t think you should have let Chester break up with you just because of me either.”

  My gut twisted. “Does that mean you don’t want to be together ever? That you don’t see a future with the two of us in it?”

  He shrugged, and my stomach got a little tighter as my anxiety built. I wasn’t worried about Chester leaving. We’d always be friends. It wasn’t tragic by any means that I wouldn’t get to have sex with him anymore. That wasn’t my issue. But the
thought of possibly never getting to have a relationship with Mason broke my heart a little. I liked him, and I wanted to see where things could go with him. I saw no reason that the two of us shouldn’t be together, except here he was saying that he wasn’t sure we could be. At least that’s how I was seeing this conversation going. And I wasn’t the least bit happy about it. I felt devastated and rejected, and I didn’t really remember what that felt like until this moment because it had been so long since I’d experienced something like this before.

  “Can I sleep in your bed tonight? I don’t think I want to be alone right now.”

  He’d had a horrible day. I could see how he wouldn’t want to be alone. “Sure. That’s fine.”

  “Can I also charge my phone? It’s dead.”

  “Of course. I’ll go get you a charger.” I got up and started heading into my studio. When I had the charger in my hand, I turned around to find Mason standing there watching me.

  “You wanted me right away, didn’t you?”

  I nodded. I had.

  “Why?”

  I didn’t have some long flowery statement for him. I wasn’t like that. “You’re attractive.” He’d also been vulnerable and scared, but I didn’t think mentioning that right now would be wise. He didn’t need to know how often he looked like a wild rabbit just ready to bolt when he was around me. He came forward, and I handed him the charger, which he took gently. But he didn’t turn and leave the room.

  “Did you want to do anything to me in here?”

  I had, but I wasn’t sure what he would want to hear after the night he’d had. “Yes.”

  “Like what?” His voice was strong, and he was looking at me like he expected the truth from me right then, but I didn’t want to upset him either.

  “Stuff,” I said vaguely.

  He rolled his eyes. “If I’d been okay with it, would we have had sex on my first day here?”

  “Yes. Why are you asking me this?”