by Tillie Cole
“My mom died too.”
I stared at those four words, and sadness slammed into me like a freight train. My breathing was shallow, and I slowly raised my eyes to see Elsie’s eyes brimming with tears. I stared at her beautiful face, a face that had seen tragedy—like me. A face that had watched her mamma die—just like me, and Elsie pressed her hand over her heart and clenched her fist. The pained expression on her face showcased her hurt more than any words could convey. I knew it, because I felt it too.
The knuckles on our joined hands were white as we clung to each other. But as hard as this moment was, something light, some feeling as light as air itself, lifted some of the ache in my heart.
She understood.
With few words, and little explanation, I knew Elsie understood me.
I dragged in a ragged breath, and Elsie mirrored my action. Minutes passed, silence again wrapping around us.
When the throbbing of my heart calmed, I asked, “Where are you from, Elsie?”
Elsie’s eyes narrowed on me, but she wrote, “Portland, Oregon.”
“How did you wind up in Seattle?”
I could see he didn’t want to answer, but she wrote, “I had to get away. I managed to get here, and,” she looked away; I squeezed her hand. She drew in a deep breath, and wrote, “I had nowhere else to go.”
I had no idea what to say in response. My mind flashed back to the corner of the alley and her being cold, thin and unwell. Those memories were plaguing me when she added, “I’ve never even seen Seattle, Levi. Apart from cold alleys, I don’t know the city at all.”
Elsie dropped her pen. Her face was tired and sad. I hated seeing her this way, then an idea popped into my head. “Elsie?”
Elsie faced me.
“You feeling better? Better enough to get away from this house for a while?”
Elsie’s forehead lined with confusion, but she slowly nodded her head, sadness being gradually replaced by intrigue.
Standing up, I pulled her to stand too, and instructed, “Go back to bed, get some sleep. Be ready to go by nine.”
Elsie’s face scrunched up in confusion. Pulling her toward me, I gently lifted my hand to her face. Elsie swallowed hard and I heard her breathing deepen. “I’m,” I pushed myself to say, “I’m taking you out tomorrow, around Seattle. The Seattle you’ve never seen.”
Elsie’s pink lips parted, and she exhaled a short breath. I froze, thinking she would refuse. When those lush lips lifted into a smile and she nodded her head.
I wanted to kiss her. This close, with that beautiful face beaming up at me, I wanted nothing more than to kiss her pink lips. But I didn’t. Like a coward, I backed away. I thought I saw a flash of disappointment in Elsie’s eyes, but she lowered her head before I could be sure.
Elsie grabbed her pen and paper; I took her hand. I walked her out of the pool house to the kitchen door. I opened the door, and Elsie walked through. When she glanced over her shoulder, I said, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Elsie smiled and walked up the stairs to her room. Just as I was about to shut the door, Lexi appeared from the darkened dining room, a sleeping Dante in her arms.
I opened my mouth to say something when Lexi beat me to it. “Dante woke up for a feed a while ago. I was in the dining room when I saw Elsie run by and leave. I panicked at first thinking she was running away, then I saw you by your pool house. Saw you let her inside.”
My face was on fire as Lexi spoke, rocking my nephew in her arms. I didn’t say anything, but I clearly didn’t need to. “You like her. A lot,” Lexi stated. Unable to lie to my brother’s wife, I nodded my head.
Lexi moved closer. “You’re taking her out tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”
Lexi nodded, then went to walk back up the stairs. Before she did, she turned round, and looked like she wanted to say something, but stopped herself. Needing to know what it was, I questioned, “What?”
Lexi looked in the direction of the stairs, in the direction Elsie went, and she said, “I think she’s been through more than we can understand, Lev. I’ve tried to talk to her every day, but she avoids conversation completely.” Lexi sighed and added, “I think she’s really broken inside. Severely. I think there’s something dark in her past that’s haunting her.”
My heart ached, and just as I turned to go back to my room, I whispered, “Then we’re the same. That’s what makes her so special to me.”
“Lev…” I heard Lexi hush out softly, but I was out of the door and into the pool house before she could react.
My mind raced with what Lexi said, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t already see. Elsie didn’t speak, she was too timid and shy. She’d lost her mamma, like I had lost mine. And I could see she was lonely, just like me.
Taking off my jacket, I walked to the table to clear away the mugs, when I saw a piece of paper was lying on the top. I wondered what it was. Suddenly I recognized Elsie’s handwriting.
Moving round the table, I dropped to the seat. The paper was folded in two, my name written across the top.
My heartbeat picked up speed as I opened the paper. At first I was confused by the centralized column of words, then my heart burst apart when I read a poem that Elsie had written:
Alone and lost, appeared this saint,
With pretty gray eyes, darkness can’t taint.
He stole her from cold, from blustering storm,
Kind and gentle, he took her from harm.
Fearful of dark, he created her light,
A jar of gold, chasing demons of night.
Telling stories of love, he brought to her life,
A moment by his side: no pain, no strife.
He gifted her poems, a gesture on whim,
With every word read, she could see only him.
She counted the days until he returned home,
The boy with his light, the girl not alone.
Invisible to all, a shade wandering in dark,
He brought back her faith, with his pure kind heart.
I love poetry, Levi.
Thank you for the book.
Elsie x
I read through the poem three times. I poured over every word, every thought from her heart. Sitting back in the chair, I ran my hand down my face. Then I stared at the clock on the wall, counting down the hours until our date.
Eight hours.
Twenty-four minutes.
Twelve seconds.
Damn torture until I could see her again… and maybe hold her hand.
* * * * *
I knocked on Elsie’s bedroom door, and waited for her to answer. I’d had about two hours of sleep by the time I finally closed my eyes, but I didn’t care. I wouldn’t have traded the time spent reading and rereading her poem for all that I had.
With every word read, she could see only him… She counted the days until he returned home…
These lines, these two lines had my head spinning. I’d put the poem in my drawer, keeping it safe—I’d never be throwing it away.
Elsie’s door suddenly opened. I opened my mouth to say “Hi” but my voice was lost the minute the silent girl was framed by the doorway.
My eyes fell over how she looked, and I was dumbstruck—skinny blue jeans, a white cami top with a cute pink sweater hugging her slim frame. She wore black leather ankle boots on her feet, and held a fitted padded black jacket in her hands. But it was her hair that had me staring the most, or rather how she wore it. Her hair was back in a French braid, small silver heart earrings dangling in her ears. She always looked beautiful, but she looked even more beautiful because all her hair was off her face. Her pretty face was revealed for me to savor, no longer hidden behind the curtain of blond strands that normally shielded her from the world, concealing her shyness.
Then my heart swelled when I thought that I could be the reason she was no longer hiding. That I could be the one that had helped her step out of the dark.
Invisible to all, a shade wandering in dark… He brough
t back her faith, with his pure kind heart…
As those lines played in my head, I realized I’d been standing here silently staring. Elsie was motionless as she watched me watch her. Stepping forward, I bravely ran my finger down her soft cheek. A blush bloomed in its wake, and I whispered, “You’re real pretty, Elsie.”
Elsie’s eyes widened; I’d shocked her with my words. I fought my instinct to remove my hand and dip my head. But after what she had given me, after the poem she had written for me, I kept my head raised and showed conviction in my expression. I may have been shaking with nerves inside, but this girl deserved to hear how beautiful I really thought she was.
Elsie glanced down to her clothes, and meeting my eyes again, mouthed, “Lexi.”
I nodded in understanding. “Lexi bought them for you.”
Elsie nodded her head and pressed her hand over her heart—she was thankful.
Boldly reaching for that hand, I clasped it in mine, beaming inside when Elsie smiled the widest of smiles at our touch. “You ready?” I asked, my voice husky in its sound. She nodded her head. I could see the excitement on her face, an excitement that was already coursing through me.
Leading her down the stairs and into the foyer, I quickly released her hand. “You’ll need that jacket, it’s pretty cold outside.”
Elsie slipped on her jacket, but before she did, I took hold of the zipper, wrapping her up all warm. I heard her quick inhale of breath as my fingers past over her chest, but I ignored it and drew back, retaking her hand in mine.
“Let’s go,” I said and led Elsie to my Jeep. Nothing was said as we made our way into the city, but this silence wasn’t uncomfortable. The only discomfort I felt came from my not knowing how to tell her that I loved the poem, from how much her words meant to me. No one had ever done anything like that for me before—given words as a gift.
The radio played country as we arrived near Pike Place. As Amos Lee sang about “Black River”, Elsie stared out of the window, her searching eyes trying to take everything in.
Parking the Jeep, I got out, walking round to her side to help her out. The wind blew around us, so I took her now-gloved hand and held it in mine. “Original Starbucks,” I announced, then I led her down to Pike Place Market, the smell of fish and salty air immediately surrounding us.
We walked down the street, tourists already filling the road, then we arrived at our first stop. I pointed at the small coffee shop, the scents of the hot coffee filling our noses. “The original store,” I said, and pointed to the large sign above. Elsie smiled up at me and I asked, “You want a coffee? Kinda think we should seen as though we’re here.”
She nodded her head and joined the line inside. I got her a coffee with cream and no sugar. We walked as we drank our coffee. We walked hand in hand until we reached a dock.
I could see Elsie looking all around us, until she looked at me with a furrowed brow. Almost on cue, a boat sounded its horn and began approaching us. Elsie’s hand tightened in mine and I declared, “What better way to see Seattle than by boat.” Elsie swallowed as the boat approached. “You ever been on a boat?” Elsie shook her head.
“You’ll like it,” I said, and prayed to God that I wasn’t messing up this date.
The first date either of us had ever been on.
Chapter Nine
Elsie
It felt like a dream. Every part of this day felt like a dream. The boat, the walking hand in hand, and all because of Levi.
Hours and hours passed and Levi walked me around the city. We ate chowder sitting on a bench overlooking the Sound, and now we were standing at the top of the Space Needle, which overlooked the great city of Seattle.
Levi stood behind me as I drank in the panoramic view. My hands were on the safety rail and Levi shadowed me, his muscled arms on either side of the rail and his hard chest pressed against my back.
Every part of my body felt alive with him this close, his warm breath blowing past my ear. And the entire day he had treated me like I was precious to him. Making sure I was okay, never expecting me to say anything in response. Everybody always wanted me to talk. They had always grown frustrated with my notes, with my crippling fear of speech. But this boy hadn’t.
I’d seen girls looking at him as we walked, beautiful girls with confidence in their smiles. But he seemed not to notice them. If he did, he paid them no mind.
But he did to me. He showered me with attention. Attention I was sure I didn’t deserve.
Levi’s strong hand suddenly landed on my upper arm, pulling me back to the here and now. I felt his breath at my right ear before I heard his soft voice. “Look into the distance, Elsie. You see the mountain?”
Focusing on what was in front of me, I gasped when, in the distance, the peak of a mountain thrust through the white clouds shrouding it. The sight of its beauty made me lose my breath. With Levi immediately behind me, my heart leapt into a sprint, and butterflies swooped in my stomach.
“Mount Rainier, Elsie.”
When I stared at the mountain, I filled with happiness; so much happiness that, for a moment, it dulled when I thought about my life. This didn’t happen to me. My life didn’t have these things. I didn’t have these clothes and I certainly didn’t have these experiences. My days weren’t like this. This wasn’t me.
For a moment, the negative thoughts overwhelmed me, so much that my hands slipped off the rail and I wriggled free of Levi’s protection. I held onto my chest, feeling as though I could feel my mom’s arm hugging me close, her sad eyes telling me that no one would ever understand us, that we would always be alone. Annabelle telling me that no one would ever want me, that the minute I opened my mouth and spoke, they’d see me for the retard I was.
I couldn’t breathe.
Pushing past the people flooding the deck of the Needle, I aimed for the elevator, desperate to return to street-level. “Elsie!” I heard Levi calling my name, but I had to get away… I needed a break from all of this.
Reaching the elevator, I stood at the back of the line waiting to board. The elevator arrived within a few seconds and I stepped inside, just as Levi’s hand landed on my arm. I wanted to call out to tell him to let me go. But as I pushed to the back of the elevator, he wrapped me in his arms.
I heard people following us, but Levi held me tight, until my arms wrapped around his waist. The elevator began to descend. I gripped onto to him like he was my lifeline. Hearing the door open, I let him lead me outside. I let him lead me away, until his heavy arms loosened and I lifted my head to feel the wind. I breathed, I breathed and I breathed, until my racing heart began to slow.
One of Levi’s hands stayed on my back, and I turned, registering concern on his face. His head tilted to the side and he asked, “Elsie, are you okay?”
I shook my head, fighting the tears pricking in my eyes. I glanced at the crowd of people in the distance and reached up to hold tightly onto my locket.
Baby girl, we’re not as lucky as others in this life. There’s no place for us. They’ll laugh; they always laugh…
Squeezing my lids shut, I sucked in a breath and found myself pulled into the comfort of Levi’s chest. “You want to go home?” he asked, in a voice as soft as a feather.
I inhaled his warm scent and shook my head. I didn’t want to go back to the mansion where he lived. I… I didn’t know where I wanted to be, where I wanted to go.
Levi was watching me, and he placed his finger under my chin and asked, “Can I take you one more place?” He cast his gaze round us and said, “It’s getting dark, and there’s one last place I want you to see.”
I didn’t know, I wasn’t sure—
“It’ll be just us when we get there. We… can be alone, away from the crowds.” The gentleness of his voice soothed my panic, his acceptance of my behavior meant I would happily follow him anywhere.
Apprehension crept over Levi’s face, and I couldn’t bear it. After everything he had done for me, I wanted to see nothing but happiness on his
face.
Reaching down, I took his hand in mine and nodded my head. Levi exhaled a long sigh of relief. Bending down, he pressed his forehead against mine. For a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss me. But he didn’t, he simply said, “It’s okay.”
The tension in my chest lifted in an instant. Two words, two simple everyday words rescued me from dark thoughts; spoken by the sweetest boy I’d ever met.
In silence, Levi took my hand and led me to the monorail that swept us back to the city. With every passing minute daylight faded. I kept tight hold of Levi, until we again headed toward the waterfront. Suddenly, a huge Ferris wheel hove into view, and I allowed excitement to trickle through my veins. I’d never been on one before, though I’d seen them, envying the kids whose parents took them to the fair.
Squeezing my hand, Levi led me to the front of the line after he paid. The man working the wheel took us to a pod and shut the door for us. Levi sat beside me and slipped his fingers through mine. I stared out of the glass and the wheel began to move.
My stomach flipped as we began to ascend. I was mesmerized by the forest of colored lights, gradually becoming overawed by the unfolding scene the higher we rose. I felt Levi shifting on his seat beside me. I cast a subtle glance in his direction. When I did, he was looking out the opposite side of the pod. His knee was bouncing up and down. His free hand was tapping on his thigh. I had seen many sides of Levi since I had met him—shy, timid, kind and soft—but right now he was frustrated, a side of him that was new.
I turned away, worried at what I’d done wrong, when Levi suddenly dropped to his knees before me, startling me. His face wore a serious expression, but I could see his nerves bubbling underneath. That scared more than ever.
He looked distraught.
He looked defeated and troubled.
