by Tillie Cole
I hated seeing him this way.
Lifting my hand, I pressed it to his cheek. Levi never seemed to shave, his olive skin always wearing a light spread of stubble. As soon as my palm touched his skin, his eyes closed and he nuzzled my hand. It made me breathless seeing him this way. When his hand reached up to lay over mine, my heart seemed to crack right down the middle.
I shuffled forward. His eyes snapped open, searing into mine. Before I could do anything else to soothe him, he brokenly said, “I’m scared of being alone.” I froze as those words left his lips. “I’m scared to let anyone in, because every time I do, they seem to leave or let me down.” He swallowed hard, and rasped, “I fight everyday trying to be normal, it was my biggest wish, to be able to speak to people with ease, but I’m tired. I’d given up thinking anyone out there was like me, who I could talk to without fear… until I met you.” I paused in breathing, then real panic took hold when he revealed, “Now, my biggest wish is to hear you speak. To say anything.”
Levi’s request caused the blood to drain from my face. The pod stilled, swinging in the wind, and I fidgeted on my seat.
I wanted to get out. I needed to get out, but I was trapped. Desperate for space, I tried to move back on my seat, but Levi held tight, refusing to let me go.
“I get it,” he whispered softly. Pain sliced through my heart at the sadness in his tone. He was disappointed. I concentrated on breathing when he said, “I wouldn’t ever judge you. I just want you to know that if you ever wanted to speak, I’d be ready to listen. I’m waiting to listen. I… I told you my biggest fears because I think this is yours. I wanted you to know that you’re not alone, that I have crippling fears too.” I shook my head, pure panic keeping me still. Levi inched closer. Removing my hand from his face he held it to his chest.
Over his heart.
“I don’t know why you don’t speak, you might not want to say. But I like you, Elsie. I more than like you. You’re the only girl I’ve ever been able to speak to.” He took a deep breath. “And I’d love to know you more.” He shook his head, his gaze softening just a touch. “I’ve read your words on paper, Elsie. And your poem slayed me.” He paused. I watched his beautiful face redden as he searched for words to say. His free hand raked through his fair hair, and his heart raced under my hand. “I’d love to hear some words from your lips too.” I hated seeing him so torn. I hated seeing him so upset, struggling with baring his soul, to explain why he wanted me to speak.
Hide your voice, baby girl. Protect your heart…
My mom’s words circled my head, taunting me and stealing my voice. She’d warned me all my life that people would make fun. She’d warned me that they’d laugh, that I’d always be misunderstood.
And she was right. Unbearably right.
The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and the scars on my wrists itched as though awakened by my dark thoughts. Whether I wanted to or not, the painful memories flooded my head and I squeezed my eyes shut. Annabelle’s vicious ghost took the reins…
Creeping into the room, I prayed she was asleep. The lights were off as I snuck toward my bed, but before I reached it, a hard hand pushed me back against the wall. I cried out silently as my back hit the wall, and Annabelle’s narrowed eyes bored into mine.
“So you do speak?” she said tauntingly and I closed my eyes to escape the bitterness in her stare. I didn’t reply, too ashamed that she’d heard me speak, heard me speak when I was made to by the house leader at dinner. Made to speak in front of all the girls in the house, the girls that had been hurting me for weeks and weeks.
Annabelle’s fingers cut into the skin of my arms until my eyes snapped open and she smiled. I stared at her cruel smile and felt all the blood drain from my face. “At least I know why you choose to write down your questions and notes, dumbfuck, because your voice is pathetic. I wouldn’t speak either if I sounded like you. If my voice sounded as stupid and as embarrassing as that.”
Hot tears scalded my eyes, threatening to fall, but I pushed them back. Annabelle laughed again, then let me go. I caught my breath as she moved back to her bed. I stayed against the wall as she lifted the comforter over her body and rolled toward the wall.
Making my shaking legs move, I began going to my bed, when she said, “Don’t speak around me again. Your voice cuts through me like nails on a blackboard. It’s the worst sound I’ve ever heard. Stay mute and dumb, no one should be subjected to that fucking nasty sound. For a minute, I wished I was deaf when you opened your retarded mouth and spoke.”
This time, unable to keep them held back, my tears streamed down my face. But Annabelle never saw as I crawled into my bed. Crawled into my bed and buried my head in my pillow. I let my sadness flow out, because I knew that tomorrow she’d start all over again. Tearing me apart, strip by strip, inch by inch, piece by piece…
Levi took me from the memory when he dropped his forehead to mine. The minute I felt his touch, he helped me breathe, slowly freeing my mind of the echoes of their taunts.
His warm palm pressed against my cheek, the gesture bringing me peace. He would have no idea why, but that touch was my heart and my soul, that familiar hand on my cheek and his forehead pressed to mine.
Closing my eyes, I searched for a reason not to trust Levi, but I could find none. He’d shown me charity and compassion. He’d shown me kindness and a pure heart. But Annabelle’s words were burned in my heart, my fear too deep and too strong to defeat.
“Elsie,” he whispered again. “You can talk to me. You can open up to me. I swear you are safe with me.”
Tethering myself to any shred of courage I could find, I pushed Levi’s face to stay just an inch from mine, and pointed at my mouth. “I’m afraid to speak,” I mouthed, knowing he watched my every word.
“Why?” he asked.
I moved my hand to point at my ear, tears building in my eyes. Tapping my left ear, the ear that could hear no sound, I mouthed, “I sound,” I paused, making sure he could see, “different to,” I pointed at his chest, “you.”
Levi’s eyebrows were lowered, but as I mouthed this sentence, understanding dawned on his face. “I don’t care,” he replied, nothing but honestly in voice.
His understanding, his complete understanding caused tears to tumble down my cheeks. Everyone cared. They cared when my mom spoke, and they laughed in her face. And Annabelle, those other girls, they cared too.
“Elsie, Please,” Levi pushed again, “just say my name… just say, anything to me.”
Silence filled the pod, the lights from the city twinkling below where we sat. My eyes dropped down, to hide from what he might say, but I forced myself to open my mouth, and I let his name quietly pass my lips. “Levi.”
He froze as the sound of my strange voice filled our little space. Shame and embarrassment completely took me in their hold.
It’s the worst sound I’ve ever heard. Stay mute and dumb, no one should be subjected to that fucking nasty sound… I squeezed my eyes shut as I heard that spiteful voice again. I tried to pull away, but Levi held tight. He wouldn’t let me go. My eyes opened, to beg him to give me space, but all I saw staring back were glossy gray eyes… and a beautiful face, filled with… pride.
Pride for me?
He was… proud of me?
I didn’t understand.
“Elsie,” he whispered, a deep broken timbre to his voice. “You said my name.”
I tried to look away, to escape the emotion in his eyes, but a hand on my cheek pulled me back, forcing me to stay exactly where we were. I dropped my head, too embarrassed by what he’d think of how I sounded. Of my voice, the one I’d hidden for so long.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. I shook my head. He didn’t let it pass, and lifted my face. “What?” he repeated, searching my face for an answer.
My hand ran down my throat, and I mouthed, “I’m embarrassed.” I licked my lips, tasting the salt from the tears still trickling down my face. I sucked in a breath, and finished, “Of how
I sound. It’s horrible.”
I watched Levi’s face pale. Suddenly, the Ferris wheel turned again, bringing us to the highest point of the ride. Levi’s hands both pressed on my cheeks, my eyes crashed back with his.
Reaching up, I gripped onto his wrists as his tongue ran round his lips. I watched this shy boy swallow. I watched him stare at my lips, a red blush mushrooming on his cheeks. The air around us seemed to crackle with tension. Nervous shivers danced up my spine.
“I want,” Levi breathed, “I want to kiss you,” he whispered, barely making a sound. “Real bad.”
I was shocked into stillness. Levi’s warm breath drifted over my face, and I found it in me to ask, “Why?”
Levi pushed closer to me, his breathing stuttered. “Because you’re you,” he replied, and I felt my walled-up heart begin to crumble some. “Because you’re you,” he repeated again.
Levi’s hands loosened a touch, when he shyly confessed, “Elsie. I ain’t ever kissed no one before.”
I frowned, finding it impossible that someone who looked like him, who had everything, had never kissed a girl. That he’d wanted to kiss me after he’d heard me. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t disgusted by my sound, why he wasn’t agreeing that I should keep silent.
“You ever kissed anyone, Elsie?”
Seeing he was focused on my lips, I mouthed, “No.”
Levi’s thumb ran back and forth on my cheek, and he offered, “Say it, Elsie. Don’t shy away again.”
I shook my head, ready to argue against using my voice, when he said, “You don’t sound different, or bad. I don’t know why you hate your voice. Because you sound perfect to me. Your voice, so sweet and… just you.”
I froze, letting his words sink in. I couldn’t believe it. It couldn’t possibly be the truth. But all I saw was honestly in his expression.
As if seeing my overwhelming feelings of his acceptance, Levi leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to mine—it was a whisper of a kiss, as soft and delicate as a butterfly’s wings. A surprised whimper escaped my lips, and Levi pulled back. His eyes were closed tightly and he breathed hard.
The wheel drew to a stop again. I waited, patiently, for what he would do next, when he suddenly pushed forward, taking my lips once again. His mouth pressed against mine, as soft and as gentle as before. We stayed that way, still and unmoving, but shyly joined for seconds and seconds, it felt like days. Flutters sprung in my chest as his hand drifted delicately down my face, and I sighed lightly, giving my happiness away.
We breathed the same air as we slowly, nervously drifted apart. Levi shyly met my eyes to assert, “I loved hearing your voice.” I stilled. “It’s beautiful… like you. Just as beautiful as your perfect pretty face. You ain’t got nothing to be ashamed of.”
Feeling brave, hearing the sincerity in his words, hearing the acceptance of my voice I’d wanted to hear all of my life, I quietly replied, “Thank you,” just as the wheel began taking us downward.
Levi shifted back to sit beside me, only this time his heavy muscled arm lay over my shoulders and he pulled me to his side. My smaller frame fit perfectly against his side, like we were too broken pieces being put perfectly back together. Wanting to touch him too, I put my arm around his waist, smiling to myself when I heard his breathing hitch at my welcome touch.
I stared out of the glass pod at the city beyond. I felt like I was in heaven—high in the sky; safe, fed and warm, with the sweetest kindest boy who accepted my biggest flaw.
I had to blink back the water in my eyes when I felt Levi brush a kiss on the top of my head, then move down to kiss the tip of my left ear. The ear that had been unsalvageable. The ear that was completely deaf. The one that had caused me so much grief.
Tipping my head up so he could see my face, Levi smiled his gorgeous shy smile, the sweet, sweet smile forever etched on my brain, and brought his lips to mine for a feather light kiss.
Sighing, he said, “I also love kissing you, Elsie. ‘Bout as much as I love hearing your voice.”
He waited, just waited, and I knew it was for me to respond. Fighting back the crushing insecurity that I’d lived with all my life, I replied, “I love kissing you too.”
I winced, the sound of my voice monotone and slightly higher in pitch than most people. But Levi’s finger smoothed the lines on my forehead and his smile lit up my world.
“I love,” he started, “I love that you saved your voice for me, that you gave your voice to me.”
For a worrying moment I still couldn’t believe if he was telling the truth or not. But there it was, in his eyes. He meant every single word.
It was a gift. It was freedom.
He’d given me back my voice.
“No more silence,” Levi said, and pulled me close. I felt him shift so that his mouth was nearer my right ear, the ear from which I could hear. “Not with me, Elsie. No more silence with me. Even if it’s only with me.”
Levi shifted on the seat, gently guiding me to sit up. The pod suddenly stopped, and the guy operating the wheel opened the door for us to get out. Without taking his arm from around my shoulders, Levi guided me from the pod and we began walking back to the car. I wrapped my arm around his waist. I couldn’t help but feel safe under his protection.
When we were far enough from the wheel, far away from anyone around us, Levi asked, “Did you like the wheel, Elsie?”
I looked up and nodded my head, only for Levi to patiently wait. I knew it was for me to speak. He may have been quiet, but part of him was unwavering, showing he wasn’t all shyness after all. “I loved it,” I said quietly, and Levi proudly threw me a smile.
Warmth burst in my chest, my body lighter now that my trapped voice had been set free. Levi’s arm dropped from my shoulder and he took my hand in his. I frowned, wondering why he’d let go, when he explained, “I wanna see your face when we talk.”
I breathed in the salty sea air, and stared out over the water. My fingers, joined with Levi’s, tightened, and I cast him a smile. Levi lowered his head and said, “You’re real pretty.”
I shook my head. I wasn’t, he was, but I loved hearing such a sentiment issuing from his lips. Ignoring a tightening in my stomach, I said, “The view from the wheel,” I paused as I fought the urge to be silent, “it was beautiful.”
Levi sighed and nodded his head. We were not far from the car when Levi asked, “What’s your favorite sight, Elsie? What’s the most beautiful thing you’ve seen?”
The happiness I was feeling fled, only to be replaced by a deep sadness. Levi must have noticed the dramatic switch because he questioned, “What? What’s wrong?”
I stared down at the floor, then knowing I wanted to share a little more of who I was, to open up to this boy, I stopped under the light of a streetlight.
I could see the frown on Levi’s face, but I wanted to do this. I had never told anyone who I was, what my life was like. I’d never told anyone, shown anyone… her.
Releasing Levi’s hand, who remained as silent as a statue, I took off my gloves, pushing the warm material into my pocket. The wind blew colder this close to the water, but I fought the chill to reach into my shirt and pull out my locket. I saw Levi’s attention turn to the necklace, and his frown slipped into an expression of curiosity.
“Your locket?” he asked. “You find your locket most beautiful?”
“Yes,” I replied, then continued “and no.”
Levi’s frown returned to his handsome face, when I lifted my fingers to open the tiny clasp. Levi watched my every move. I stepped further into the street light, opening the locket to reveal what I treasured most.
Levi stepped closer, his eyes narrowed as he studied the small picture. I knew he would understand when he saw the treasure inside: a picture of my mom, young and smiling. Beautiful; the most beautiful thing in my world.
“Elsie,” Levi whispered, and placed his finger under my finger to lift the locket closer. He studied the picture for what felt like an age, before he
correctly guessed, “Your mamma?”
“Yes,” I replied, and covered Levi’s hand with my own. His eyes fell down to mine, and I could see the understanding shining back. I could see the same understanding of loss in his gaze, that I knew was in my own.
“She was beautiful,” he said, my throat clogging at the fact someone was paying my mom a compliment. No one ever did. She was judged her whole life, right up until the day she died.
But she was my mom. I loved her most in the world.
I hadn’t realized I was crying until Levi moved closer, and brushed his thumb over my cheek capturing the falling droplet. I thought he would speak. I was waiting for him to ask me how she’d died. Ask me what happened—the one thing I couldn’t disclose. The pain was too much.
Instead his hand moved down, and as gentle as a whisper, he closed the locket, lifting my hand to press a kiss to the back of my fingers. I tried not to fall apart out on the street where anyone could see. But Levi’s silence, his gesture that he was here for me, not pushing me to speak of what hurt me most, meant I couldn’t hold back my emotion if I tried.
Levi pulled me to his chest and wrapped his strong muscled arms around me. I fell against his chest, and cried. I had opened the Pandora’s box that held in check my tears and pain.
Levi’s breath was ragged in my ear, so much so I could almost feel the pain of his loss. He held me on that spot for minutes and minutes. He held me until the last tear fell, until my throat and chest were raw.
Slipping my hand up to press on his chest, I eased back and nodded my head. Levi cupped my face in response, leaning in to press the sweetest kiss to my lips. I cast a watery smile, Levi took hold of my hand.
As we walked, cold air filled my lungs, melting my sorrow. But Levi was quiet. Too quiet. I had come to understand that walking in silence, for us two, was comfortable. We didn’t need words. We didn’t need to fill the air between us with meaningless conversation. I could walk beside him all day, his hand holding mine or his arm around my shoulder pulling me close, and I’d be the happiest girl in the world.
But this time seemed different.
