Sweet Soul

by Tillie Cole

  This silence was strained. Levi’s hand was tense and hard, the tension thick with sadness? Emotion? I couldn’t quite tell.

  I wondered if I had upset him by showing him my mom’s picture. I wondered if seeing the picture of my mom had brought back too many bad memories for him. But I didn’t dare ask, not after all he had done for me today, not after our sweet kisses. I didn’t want him to be upset. I didn’t want to end the day with him in pain.

  Reaching the Jeep, I buckled my belt and sat quietly, waiting for Levi to take us home. But he sat still in the driver’s side, staring down at the wheel. I could see his eyes were unfocused. I could see he was thinking, one side of his bottom lip was sucked into his mouth.

  I turned to look out of the window. The crescent moon shone brightly in the sky. The silver moon made me think of Levi’s eyes; the pretty gray like liquid silver, like moonbeams put there by God to make him stand out.

  “I wanna show you something, Elsie,” he abruptly rasped out.

  “Okay,” I replied, when I caught the heaviness in his voice. Butterflies flew in my chest, only out of nerves this time. Because whatever he was about to show me wasn’t anything light. Whatever it was cut him up inside. Crashed his gentle spirit.

  My stomach churned.

  Hating to see him so troubled, I leaned over and placed my hand on his thigh. Levi sucked in a breath, then tilted his head to the side to see me better. I watched him exhale, then he put the Jeep in gear and moved us out.

  I had no idea where we were going, but Levi’s thigh remained tense as we passed through the busy streets, dark clouds moving in above us. I knew wherever it was, whatever he wanted to show me, was why he was so closed in.

  I just prayed that I could be there for him the same way he’d been there for me.

  I wanted to return the kindness.

  I wanted to return the strength.

  I wanted his trust.

  Just like he had mine.

  Chapter Ten

  Levi

  I never spoke about this. I never told anyone here, in Seattle, about my past. I never told anyone, not even my brothers, that I did this. That I came here. Axel didn’t even know that I’d copied his keys.

  But I was taking Elsie. I was showing Elsie. Sharing my secret with her, like she had shared hers with me.

  I wasn’t in denial about the gravity of what this meant.

  When she’d shown me that locket. When she’d shown me her mamma and I saw the pain in her eyes, I wanted her to know she wasn’t alone. She was always alone. My silent girl¸ alone with her thoughts. No voice to share her pain, no person to tell her it was okay that she was sad.

  I replayed her soft voice in my head, her stunning small voice, slightly higher in pitch than how a hearing person’s would normally be, the tone slightly less expressive, but barely so. And I replayed how ashamed she’d looked, how embarrassed she was as she spoke, like I’d find her less attractive because of how she sounded. Like I’d make her keep quiet.

  Impossible.

  My heart splintered trying to think of what had been said in her past to make her think that, at what the mocking people had done to her to make her so closed in. Then I saw that picture of her mamma, but more than that, I saw what it had cost her to show me it. The emotion that she couldn’t contain, when I saw what was an older version of herself, smiling at the camera. I’d had so many questions, but I could see that she was shattering as she held out the locket in her small shaking hands.

  As she’d cried into my chest, I knew I’d be bringing her here too. I didn’t know why, but as Elsie cried in my arms, I could see my mamma in my mind’s eye. She’d have taken one look at Elsie, breaking so hard, and given her a home right away. My mamma would have held Elsie tight, keeping her safe.

  As I thought this, I had one place I needed Elsie to see. She was the first person who had ever made me want to share this—both the beauty and the fear.

  Only a few miles from the warehouse, rain began to patter on the windshield, the fat drops getting harder and harder the closer we got. Parking up at the warehouse, I reached into the glove compartment of the Jeep and pulled out the key.

  Elsie watched my every move, but she didn’t ask any questions. She trusted me. Hearing the rumbling of thunder building in the distance, I ducked out of the Jeep, running round the hood to open Elsie’s door. The rain was coming harder now. Not wanting Elsie to get wet as she was still feeling a little sick, I rushed us into the warehouse, quickly unlocking the door and pushing us inside. The large warehouse was cold and dark. I felt Elsie’s hand grip onto the back of my jacket and instantly remembered that she hated the dark.

  I slipped my hand into my pocket and pulled out my cell. I pressed the flashlight icon and held it out in front of us until we reached the light switch. As soon as the main lights came on, I heard Elsie exhale in relief, quickly followed by a short sharp gasp. Elsie released her hand on my back, and as I stayed still, she moved round me.

  Stopping beside me, I watched as Elsie eyes drank in the vast room. The room was filled with a myriad of covered statues, but of course, she didn’t know what was underneath.

  Elsie’s blond eyebrows pulled down, and when she looked up at me, she asked, “What is this place?” Any trepidation I felt at revealing the statue disappeared, hearing Elsie growing bold to speak without being asked. Like she was reading my mind, she ducked her head and quietly said, “You don’t make me afraid.”

  These words lit something inside me. I spun to stand in front of her, cupping her pretty face, and brought her to my lips. This time the kiss was longer, our lips joined closer. This place, what I was about to show her—a secret I kept to myself—and the heaviness that came with its link to my past, made me need her that much more. Elsie sighed against my mouth as my hand ran slowly to the back of her head.

  Breaking away, I sucked in a sharp breath. Elsie’s eyes were closed tight like she didn’t want the moment to be over. I drank in her face; the smooth skin, her full pink lips. Momentarily, I felt stunned.

  “I’m not scared… to speak to you,” Elsie whispered, then fluttered her eyes to stare straight into mine.

  “Good,” I rasped, and forced myself to step back.

  I turned, inhaling through my nose. I stayed that way for a damn minute, working on calming down. When I’d got myself together, I opened my eyes. The statue that had become my beacon was directly in my sights. As I stepped forward, a crash of thunder echoed above and my heart jumped.

  Fitting, I thought, that a storm rolls in as we come here.

  Showing Elsie who I had lost. Showing her the reason my life flipped on its head and corkscrewed into a tailspin, leaving a hole permanently in my heart.

  Suddenly feeling a small hand take my own, I glanced down to see Elsie looking up at me. “What is this place?”

  I squeezed her hand and led her forward, clearing the emotion from my throat first. “I don’t know what Lexi might have told you about my family, about what my brothers do.”

  “Football,” Elsie replied, as we came to a halt in front of the tallest covered piece.

  Turning to face Elsie, I nodded my head. “I play football at college, and of course Austin plays football for the ‘Hawks’.” I breathed deep, and added, “But I have an older brother too, Axel, and he, well, he’s a sculptor.” Elsie’s head moved scanning the large space, her eyes becoming unnaturally wide.

  “All of these?” she asked, pointing her hand at the many statues. Now she was speaking more, I could hear a slightly different tone to her voice that I hadn’t caught before. My heart broke when I thought of how embarrassed she felt about it. Now that I was hearing it more, I could hear it. It was noticeable. I could hear the slight inflection that had set her apart. But I believed it was nothing but endearing. This little blonde, my girl, had survived the streets, being deaf, and Christ knows what else.

  But she’d survived.

  Like I’d survived.

  Elsie stepped back and she
turned to walk amongst the white sheets. She looked like she was lost in a dream, her small frame threading its way amongst the towering marble sculptures.

  When she came back to me, she asked, “Your brother, he created what is under all of these?”

  I nodded my head and moved to the sculpture of the Heighter’s Stidda—the gang sign, a Sicilian star—piercing a heart. With Elsie watching on, I pulled back the sheet, the impressive marble coming into view.

  Elsie stepped closer, her head bending down to study the sculpture. I knew she wouldn’t understand this piece, how could she? How the hell could she know what our lives had been before? The crap that I was dragged into… the things that I’d done. The gang I’d been fully immersed in.

  Elsie reached out to touch the sculpture, but then quickly wrenched it back. She glanced to me like she’d done something wrong, but I assured, “It’s alright, you can touch it.”

  With the tips of her fingers she ran her hand over the bleeding heart, swallowing hard as she admired the piece. A sense of pride filled me, seeing her so overawed by something my brother created. But at the same time, I was dreading telling her what everything was about. She was so worried about speaking because she felt she would be judged harshly. I worried that what I’d done in my past would paint me to be someone I wasn’t. And for a minute, I wondered if I should tell her any of it. She might yet be the one to cut and run.

  Needing to just go through with it, I walked to the statue that cut me in two. I could hear the padding of Elsie’s feet behind me. I dragged the sheet from the marble and immediately turned away. I heard nothing from Elsie for several minutes. I didn’t turn until I felt gentle fingers on my shoulder. Gentle fingers which were guiding me to face my past.

  I did as she wanted, and immediately met her watery gaze. My heart fired waiting for censure, for disgust or something worse; instead, Elsie stood on her tiptoes and pressed her hand against my cheek.

  “That was you, as a child?” she asked, searching my face, her blue eyes filled with sympathy.

  “Yeah,” I croaked.

  Elsie walked back to the sculpture. It was of me, as a kid, holding a gun, with Axel stood behind. Elsie’s hand ran over the boy’s face, tears cascading down her cheek.

  Something in me cracked.

  Broke.

  Shattered.

  Because here she was, seeing the real me. She was crying for me. She was breaking her heart for me.

  My breathing paused as I watched her staring at my young marble face. Then she pressed her hand to the boy’s cheeks and stroked her thumb along the tear of blood below his eye. “You were so scared,” she said, reading the image correctly, and withdrew her hand to clutch at her chest. Her already soft voice broke and she whispered, “Levi, what have you been through?”

  I felt that question rip through to my soul, and I hushed a well-practiced response, “Hell.”

  Elsie froze, my head dropped in shame. A crash of thunder clapped above us. I squeezed my eyes shut. It’s just the Roman Gods letting the world know they’re still here, I reminded myself, chasing the shattering memories that peel of thunder evoked. But my sins were being laid bare in this room full of marble, to the only girl I’ve ever been able to speak to, the only one who maybe, just maybe, might be able to understand.

  I heard her breathing in front of me first, then I felt her fingers threading through mine. But I didn’t open my eyes. I couldn’t. Something about her standing there, hand on heart, saddened by that sculpture, had undone me. It had broken me to pieces.

  Hell, I heard the echo of my voice repeat in my head, that’s what I’d been through.

  I felt Elsie’s mouth at my ear. “I have seen Hell too.”

  This time my eyes flew open, and Elsie wrapped her arms around my neck. She didn’t ask anything more. She didn’t ask who I’d shot. She didn’t ask who the older guy was, the one pushing me to shoot.

  She just… held me, no questions, no conditions.

  A flash of lightning lit up the room, followed by the loudest of thunder claps. But I held Elsie tightly, refusing to let her go. I held her, and for the first time, I felt something within me begin to stitch together. Felt the weight of my past lessen some. Felt the nightmare of being in that gang, of living in that time, lift a little—because of this girl in my arms.

  I breathed in the coconut scent of Elsie’s hair; in and out, in and out, until she gently pulled back, her soft hands running down my chest. I could see she had no idea what to say to me.

  But I had one last thing to say to her, or show her. Taking hold of her wrists, I gently pushed her back and guided her to the final sculpture, the one I brought her here to see.

  Elsie was silent, of course she was. But I knew this time it was because she could feel the sheer weight of my pain. She felt what showing her this sculpture meant to me.

  Releasing my grip on one of her wrists, I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out the rosary that Elsie had taken by mistake, but brought me back. I ran the wooden beads through my hands and immediately felt the coldness of our old trailer, yet also the warm loving hands of Mamma singing to me in her perfect soprano pitch, stroking my hair and rocking me to sleep.

  “Levi?” Elsie’s hoarse sweet little voice pulled me round, and I realized I had been standing still, rooted to the spot. I realized my hands were shaking. I realized my eyes had blurred with tears.

  I glanced down at Elsie and saw the compassion on her face. Lifting my hand, I ran it down her soft cheek, and said, “I asked you what you thought was the most beautiful thing in your world.” My hand dropped to the locket around her neck and I ran the tip of my finger over the delicate object. Elsie swallowed and inhaled a low pained breath. “It was your mamma,” I said. Elsie’s eyes squeezed together and she nodded her head.

  “I don’t know how you lost her, Elsie, but I know what it feels like to lose the one person that’s your world too young.” I nodded my head. “I know what it’s like to feel a piece of your soul break away… I know what it’s like for a hole to form in your heart, and never seal itself shut because you had no time with them. Cheated from getting to know them as an adult.”

  Elsie’s tears fell down her cheeks; I backed away. To nature’s pyrotechnic show of light, and its soundtrack of thunder, I pulled back the sheet, hearing Elsie gasp behind me.

  I didn’t look up. I wasn’t sure I could right now.

  Elsie walked past me. I saw her in my peripheral vision. She stared up at the angel, at all I had left of my mamma.

  I breathed in and out, waiting for the strength to lift my eyes. But I wasn’t sure I could do it. I wasn’t sure I could ever find the courage. The rosary beads dug into my skin with the strength that I held them. Suddenly, Elsie was in front of me. The expression on her face was one I’d never seen before. Elsie’s hand fell to mine and she hooked a single finger around mine.

  I stared down at those fingers, and she whispered, “You’re mom was beautiful.”

  Pain sliced through me, and I fought to see her healthy in my head. But the memories didn’t come. The only memories that filtered into my mind were of her lying paralyzed in bed, with her sad, dark eyes watching helplessly as our lives fell apart. All I remembered was the day I came home with the Stidda on my left cheek—the Heighter mark confirming I’d taken my first shot at a rival King—and the pain that echoed on her broken stare. This was the stare that replayed in my head each night. That and—

  “What happened, Levi?” Elsie asked quietly.

  My breathing labored, as Elsie let me go. She walked to the side of the angel sculpture that saw my mamma broken and lost, her body dying, face wracked in pain. But what broke me most was Elsie dropping to her knees before my mamma’s cupped hands, black ash in her palms, drawn by death’s insistent pull.

  The sight of the girl I was losing my heart to, kneeling before the woman with the already shattered heart, began to overpower me. Elsie reached out her trembling hand and cupped my mamma’s frail cheek. Elsi
e’s bottom lip quivered, then her gaze fell to me.

  “ALS,” I rasped, now overcome with emotion by the unfolding scene. “She died slowly and painfully. She died before our very eyes, day by day, minute by minute, but—”

  “What?” Elsie prompted, her eyes back on my mamma. I walked closer, and closer still, feeling like a magnet was steadily drawing me to the sweet silent girl who had blasted into my life like a hurricane.

  I lowered myself to the floor and my head dropped in shame. Elsie shifted before me. I took comfort in the sweet smell of coconuts from her hair. But the shame, the guilt her question had sparked, broke the dam I’d built up inside.

  “Levi—”

  “She fell unconscious, alone. I was in the trailer, I was meant to be in her room watching her, it was my turn, but—”

  This time Elsie didn’t push. I squeezed my eyes shut, remembering that night; the last night my mamma opened her eyes. I opened my mouth. As though it was fighting for its freedom, with rosary rotating in hand, I admitted my biggest sin…

  The rain bounced off the trailer’s roof as I sat on the floor of my mamma’s bedroom, her soft weakening eyes watching my every move.

  Axel was gone. He had run away from the police after someone OD’d on the drugs he had dealt. Austin had taken his place as the Heighters’ right hand man. Austin was outside now, standing in the rain, waiting for the paying druggies to come get their fix.

  I read the sentence again but my mind wasn’t on it. Dropping the pen and paper to the floor, I rested my head against the mattress of Mamma’s small bed. I stared at the damp-stained roof and took a deep breath. Feeling I was being watched, I turned my head to the side, to find Mamma’s eyes watching me.

  I blushed, never liking being under any attention. Shifting until I sat right before where she lay, I smiled and said, “You okay, Mamma?” My mamma’s eyelids closed, her most recent sign for ‘yes’, but I could see something else was in that stare. And it frightened me. Her eyes were dull, and the usual light sitting in their depths had dimmed.