Sweet Soul

by Tillie Cole

  With his head kept down, he explained, “I just wanted you to be happy. Finally. I want it so damn much for you, bella mia.”

  I threw myself in his arms and sighed when he hugged me back. I felt his warm breath ghost past my face. “Say goodbye to her, bella mia, say goodbye how you always wanted to, how it always should have been.”

  I sucked in a breath, suddenly terrified. Squeezing Levi tighter, I asked, “Will you stay in the room with me? I don’t want to be alone.”

  Levi nodded against my head, then I pulled back and turned around. I faced the perfect sculpture of my mom’s face, and I felt the ache in my heart that I always did. She’d been so lost all her life. Her soul was too fragile to have been born into this world.

  “You know the Lost Boys from Peter Pan?” I asked aloud.

  I never turned to Levi for the answer, but he replied, “Yeah.”

  I smiled, standing before my mom’s sculpture, her eyes bright and her smile full. “I loved that story when I was younger. Peter Pan. I remember my mom repeatedly telling me about how the cruel the world was, that she wished she wasn’t in it. It would upset me so much that I used to pray to God for Peter Pan to come and get her. I was young and thought Peter was real. I used to pray for him to come and take her to Neverland because she’d be happy there with people just like her. People who could love her and make her smile, because everyone was cared for in Neverland. There was no pain or cruel words.” I ran my finger down her perfectly sculpted hair. “My mom was a fictional Lost Boy stuck in this non-fiction world… and she used to tell me that I was the same as her.”

  I sighed and shook my head. I looked at my mom as if she was actually before me. I looked into her eyes. “But I wasn’t like you, mom,” I hushed out quietly. “Yes, I was mistreated. Yes, I tried to take my own life, but I’ve realized that maybe, just maybe I do belong here after all. I think maybe I always knew that my salvation would come to me one day, that I’d be found from being lost.” I paused and thought of the boy stood behind me. “You used to tell me that there was no place for people like us in this world, to hide my voice and protect my heart. And I did, mom. I did what you said for such a long time. And you were right, when I spoke I was bullied, I was ridiculed… and I folded, I let it hurt me. I let it break me down, yet I did not break.” I wiped my cheeks.

  “But you forgot to tell me about the people that are the opposite to those that intentionally hurt. The kind ones, the ones who don’t care that I talk differently. The ones who don’t tell me to hide myself away. Instead they tell me to be who I am, without apology. It’s not easy, Mom, but I think we focused on the bad for so long, that we were blinded to the good.” I squeezed my eyes shut and fought the pain, the fear that those words inspired. “I want to experience the good, Mom. I don’t want the pain anymore. I have to look for my rainbow.”

  My throat burned as I stepped closer still. “I never got to say goodbye to you, once and for all.” My breathing hitched but I forced out, “They took me from you, but I didn’t want to go. Please know that. You needed me, and they took me away against my will. It’s why you died, Mom, because you never learned to do anything for yourself, and that wasn’t your fault.” I sniffed and coughed the emotion from my throat. “But you never tried either. You never really tried to make it better for me, or for yourself.” I glanced behind to Levi, to him watching me in silence, his handsome face expressing every ounce of my pain. Because he’d lived this too. He’d lived through the final goodbye.

  Closing my eyes, I braced for my next words. When I opened them again, I placed my palm on her cold marbled cheek and hushed out, “I miss you everyday, Mom, and I know you’re happy where you are now, happier than you could have ever been in this life. And I want you to watch me. I want you to watch me live. To make something of myself, to achieve something, even if that’s just achieving a normal life. A normal, everyday life with someone who loves me. And maybe some day, we could have some kids. That sounds just about perfect to me.”

  I lowered my head, and with my palm still on her cheek, I pressed my forehead to hers, and in our own action, in our version of silent words, I told her I loved her for the very last time. As I closed my eyes, I could almost feel her palm on my cheek too… telling me her goodbye too.

  I stayed with my forehead against hers for minutes and minutes, my heart shattering in my chest. But when I heard Levi’s soft breathing behind me, his soothing presence, those scattered pieces moved back in place and, one by one, they knitted back together.

  Letting my eyes open, I stood back from the sculpture, and turned to the only person in the world that could make my pulse race. The only person I loved, and the only person I could ever be myself with.

  I played with my hands as I approached and Levi shifted on his feet, as if he could feel the tension crackle between us, as if he could feel this heat, this unique pull that we shared.

  Levi pulled his hands from his pockets when I stopped before him, when I looked up in his eyes. “Thank you,” I whispered, and with shaking fingers, I put my hand on his cheek. Levi swallowed, his gray eyes wide as I guided his head down. Trying to show everything that I felt in my eyes, I lowered his forehead down to mine, and told him the three words, the most important eight letters that ever could be expressed, I felt radiating from my soul to his, in the only way I knew how.

  Gray eyes searched mine, and seeing what he thought I was doing was real, Levi lifted his hand and pressed it to my cheek…

  He loved me right back.

  “Elsie,” Levi whispered, his husky voice breaking at the fullness of this moment.

  Taking a deep breath, I confessed, “I love you, Levi Carillo. I’m loving you with the words I fear most.”

  Levi groaned, and he pulled me to his chest with his free hand around my back. He brought me to his lips. I softened against him. I sank into his arms and moved my lips against his. Levi guided us backwards. My legs hit the mattress, and Levi lowered me down to the bed, his body hovering above mine. My hands roamed over his back, my fingers running over his hard muscles.

  My body heated, my hips lifted with need, the need to make love to him, when Levi broke from the kiss. I moaned at the loss, but when I saw the serious expression on his face, I stilled. Levi braced his arms on either side of my body, and with blushed cheeks that I adored so much, he expressed, “I love you too.”

  My heart raced, my pulse hammered in my neck and those soft words filled my ear and infused my blood with pure hope and light. He loves me, I thought, feeling more than complete, Levi Carillo loves me.

  I opened my mouth to respond, but before I could, Levi crushed his mouth back to mine, his hands lifting my shirt and unclasping my bra. Breaking from the kiss, he pulled my hoodie over my head. He had fire in his stormy eyes as they fell upon my breasts, and I reached for his sweatshirt, bringing it over his head. Levi’s cut and tanned torso came into view and I moaned as I ran my fingers down his abs. Levi’s stomach tensed and a hiss passed between his clenched teeth.

  Dropping my hands, I took hold of the waistband of his sweats, and pushed the material off his hips. The muscles on Levi’s neck corded as his length was freed, and groaning loudly, he reached for my jeans and stripped me of my clothes.

  Levi threw our clothes to the floor, and when he climbed above me again, he lifted me to lie in the center of his bed. His fingers stroked down my face over my throat, and down between my breasts. My back arched and a moan left my lips as his hand continued south, then stopped, only for a new kind of heat to light up Levi’s face.

  “Levi?” I questioned, just as he dipped his head to my breasts, his warm tongue lapping around my nipple. My hands flew into his hair to hold him close, but before I found purchase, he moved south, butterflies swarming my stomach when I realized what he was about to do. Levi’s full lips peppered kisses over my stomach, until he hit the apex of my thighs, his hands gently parting my thighs.

  I gasped when I felt his warm breath dust over my core, and I
looked down just as Levi kissed my folds, then flicked out his tongue and ran it over my clit. My hands fisted the sheets as my eyes rolled back at the feel of his mouth on me. I breathy moan left my mouth, and my body jerked as he pushed his finger inside.

  Levi groaned as he sucked and he licked, the erotic sound causing shivers to break out over my flushed skin. “Levi,” I whispered as his tongue built up speed. I couldn’t cope, the feel of his tongue too much for me take. My hips rolled back and forth, and when Levi pushed a second finger inside me, I broke apart, lights dancing behind my eyes.

  I heard cries filling the room, my cries, and I stopped, conscious of how I would sound. Levi was suddenly above me, his head shaking in reproach. “Don’t,” he said hoarsely before kissing around my mouth, at the corner of my lips. “Don’t close yourself off. You sound perfect to me, so damn perfect.”

  I froze, searching his face to see any lies. He meant it. He meant everything he was saying—he liked the sound of my voice.

  I was safe to be me.

  Reaching up, I placed my hand on Levi’s head and pulled him to my mouth. I could taste myself on his lips but I didn’t care. I wanted him. I wanted to show him how much I loved him, because I did. I loved him almost too much.

  Sitting up, and without breaking the kiss, I guided Levi onto his back, his muscled tanned body on full display beneath me. Levi’s eyes were leaden with lust, and he tried to pull me back down to his mouth. I moved from his hand, opening the drawer in his side table. With trembling, nervous hands, I took out a condom, seeing Levi’s chest heaving, and his hand stroking up and down his length from the corner of my eye.

  Focusing on opening the foil packet to calm my nerves, I pulled out the condom and turned back to Levi. His free hand reached for mine, but I shook my head before he touched me. “I want to do it,” I whispered.

  Levis hand froze, and I watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down. “You sure?” he asked in a tight voice.

  “Yes,” I replied, and straddled his legs. Pushing Levi’s hand from his hardness, I gently rolled the condom down until it was fully on. A damp sheen had broken on Levi’s chest.

  Levi watched me for what I’d do next. Shuffling forward, I leaned over his chest and brushed his messy fair hair from his eyes. “I love you,” I whispered, seeing his lips part. I reared back, using my hand to place him at my entrance, and sat down, taking him inside.

  When I was full with Levi, I sucked in a breath and started to move. Levi’s hands landed on my hips as he hissed, and our gazes clashed. I kept his stare as I rolled my hips back and forth. And I tipped forward, my hands flattening on his chest as I gradually built up speed.

  I watched Levi’s face as it expressed his pleasure. I listened to his short sharp breaths and the soft, guttural groans as he thickened within me, his length hitting something inside, bringing me quickly to the edge.

  Levi’s fingers dug into my skin, and I released a long moan as pressure built in my core. Insatiable pleasure gathered in my channel, as I rocked my hips faster and faster still. I shattered apart as an orgasm took hold, Levi’s strong grip pulling me down on his shaft four more times before he cried out his release, his breathing ragged in their pulls.

  My eyes fluttered shut, as my body shivered in the aftermath. I collapsed on Levi’s chest, my palms landing on his hard pecs. I could feel Levi pulsing within me, as we both calmed from the intensity of making love… making love.

  Because we were so unbelievably in love.

  I lay on Levi’s chest and I was perfectly content. I knew I could do this everyday. I knew this, being with Levi, my shy guy, could be my life—a life that I never dreamed I could have.

  Levi’s arms wrapped around my back and he rolled us onto our sides, our faces looking to one another on a single pillow. His skin was flushed from his release—he was the most handsome and beautiful boy I’d laid eyes on.

  I smiled, and ran the back of my hand over his unshaven cheek. “You’re wrong, you know?” I said, breaking the silence in the room.

  “About what?” he asked, his frown making him even more adorable to my eyes.

  “You are special. You know why?”

  “Why?” he rasped and took my hand in his to lie underneath his cheek. “Because you’re the center of my world. To me, that is the most special thing in life. To be that important, that vital to another’s happiness. It’s not just special, it’s priceless.” I shrugged. “To me at least.”

  “So now you know,” he replied. This time it was my turn to be confused.

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Now you know,” he repeated and a small smile pulled on his lips. “Now you know how I’ve felt about you since we met. You’re that someone to me too, la mia anima gemella.”

  My heart swelled at hearing that beautiful language on his lips. “What does that mean?” I asked, hanging on his every word.

  Levi squeezed my hand. “My soulmate, is what we would say in English, but I like the literal Italian translation better.”

  “Which is?”

  “My twin soul.”

  I stopped breathing, and Levi sighed. “That’s what you are. My soul’s vital other. It’s carbon copy. The Hero to my Leander’s heart.”

  “Levi,” I hushed, my boy so sweet to me. But then my stomach turned at the road that lay ahead.

  “What?” Levi asked, clearly seeing my change in expression.

  “What if I can’t do it? The future is too unknown. I’m… I’m scared.”

  Levi inched closer and shook his head. “There ain’t nothing to be afraid of, Elsie, not if we’re together. You know why?”

  “No.”

  “Because I know now that having any kind of future makes us lucky.” He kissed the back of my hand and then pulled back. “But having a future with you? It’s a blessing. Our blessing. Because I get to live my life with you, beside you—la mia anima gemella.”

  I could barely speak through how happy I felt right now. We stayed in comfortable silence, until I watched Levi smile. “What?” I asked, my heart thudding in my chest.

  “I just realized what my favorite English word is.”

  “Yeah?” I asked moving closer, just a hairsbreadth from his lips. “Tell me.”

  Levi leaned forward, briefly took my lips with his own, and whispered, “Elsie.”

  I stared at this boy with the silver gray eyes, then took his mouth in another soft kiss. As I sighed at being so content, I listed the things that he’d brought into my life: safety, happiness and peace. But the best part of all, was that he’d brought me that rainbow after the storm…

  … he’d brought for me the moon.

  And I’d brought him the shine.

  * * * * *

  Two months later….

  As the clock ran down in the stadium, I brought my hands to my mouth in disappointment.

  “Shit!” Austin snapped and clapped his hands anyway. “Good game, fratello. Good fucking game.”

  We were sitting in the stadium as Levi’s team played in the playoffs, and he’d played amazing, but unfortunately they’d lost.

  I sat down on the seat, my heart crestfallen for Levi. But I knew he’d be okay. And he always had next year.

  I sat looking out onto the clapping crowd and I thought back to the first time I came here, the first time I experienced all of these people and all of the noise. It scared me. It unnerved me so much that I wasn’t ever sure I could come back. But I did, and I had. Through therapy and working at the center I’d gradually built up my confidence, and realized that I didn’t have to be so scared anymore. Because what had happened to me wasn’t embarrassing nor had it made me weak. It was cruel and malicious on the part of the bully. But it wasn’t my fault, it was nothing I did, and my life would not be bettered until I learned to recognize that I was more than their victim. That I was more than the words they used to cut me down.

  I deserved more, and I was trying each day to get it.

  Levi, only a few days af
ter I came home, helped me sign up to get my GED. He worked with me every night. He tutored me through the subjects I’d never passed, and with every new thing I learned, I grew more confident in myself, so confident that I knew I wanted to become a counselor. And I now knew I’d be good at it. The weeks spent listening and talking to the kids at Kind had shown me that I was a good listener. My years of silence giving me a skill that the kids vitally needed—someone to simply listen and understand.

  It was where I belonged.

  Lexi sat down beside me, and she laid her head on my shoulder. “Poor Levi, he’ll be sad they lost.”

  “Yeah, but he’ll be okay,” I replied and Lexi lifted her head and smiled.

  “How you feeling?” she enquired.

  I took a deep breath. “Okay, I think.”

  Lexi squeezed my hand, but let go when Ally and Molly came over to talk. We chatted about trivial things until I heard Levi walk through the door to the private box. This time, he came to me first, his expression disappointed and low.

  “You okay?” I asked when he took me in his arms.

  “Yeah.” He sighed. “Just sucks.”

  “You played well though.”

  Levi gave me a private humored smile. “Still lost, bella mia. We still lost.”

  Lifting up, I kissed his lips. When I pulled back, I said, “Did that make it any better?”

  Levi laughed and nodded his head. “Always.”

  Levi greeted his family, then we all made our way to a restaurant. We ate and laughed, and as the night drew on, Levi let go of his disappointment, where my nerves only built up.

  When we left the restaurant, we walked down the street, and Lexi suddenly said, “Anyone want coffee?”

  Levi stopped and squeezed my hand. “Sure?” he replied, then looked around. We were standing in front of the coffee house where he’d brought me to listen to Sarah Carol, a poetry house that we came to often to listen to the open mic, or special guests if we could.

  “Is this place good?” Lexi asked and walked toward the door with Austin.