The Day My Husband Left: An absolutely gripping and emotional page-turner

by Amy Miller

  ‘Tuesday told me about William,’ she replied. ‘About what he did. I don’t know how you can still have him in your home, Heidi. If he’s stealing from you, what’s next? Quite frankly I’m speechless. He’s not exactly turned out to be the fairy-tale son you were hoping for, has he?’

  ‘You seem to have a lot to say for someone who’s speechless,’ said Heidi, feeling hurt. She put down the tea and rubbed her hair dry with a smaller towel. ‘And what right did Tuesday have to tell you that?’ she said. ‘Why’s she gossiping about things that don’t concern her?’

  Rosalind pursed her lips and tutted, pulling a chocolate digestive from the packet and balancing it on her knee.

  ‘She’s not gossiping. She’s worried for you,’ she said. ‘As am I. Maybe you’ve jumped in too deep, too soon.’

  ‘You can talk!’ said Heidi. ‘When she’s not with me, Tuesday is at your flat every single day.’

  Heidi was surprised at the envy in her voice. Was she jealous?

  ‘She’s helping me with a few things, and we’re getting to know each other better,’ said Rosalind. ‘That’s all. She’s a lovely person.’

  Heidi bit her lip. Rosalind had changed her tune somewhat.

  She pulled on her jogging bottoms and jumper, and sat down on a deckchair, with the towel wrapped around her wet hair. She had to stay focused on what Johnny wanted, whatever everyone around her said.

  ‘Good,’ said Heidi. ‘I mean, I’m pleased – really I am.’

  ‘Did Tuesday tell you about her plans?’ said Rosalind.

  ‘No. What plans?’

  ‘She wants to move here,’ Rosalind said. ‘With her parents living in France now she says there’s not much holding her in Brighton. She’s looking at a flat just around the corner from me. She says she can do her job anywhere.’

  ‘You certainly have a spring in your step,’ Heidi replied, unable to help herself. ‘Now that Tuesday is here.’

  ‘Now, now. You’re not jealous, darling, are you? Don’t be. There’s nothing to be jealous of.’

  ‘I’m not jealous,’ said Heidi. ‘Well, I suppose I’m disappointed that things aren’t so good with William as they are with you and Tuesday. But I’m glad for you.’

  Rosalind put her hand on Heidi’s shoulder and squeezed.

  ‘I’m sorry it’s turned out this way,’ she said gently. ‘Perhaps you should let it go for now and focus on your girls.’

  ‘I’m doing what I think is right and what Johnny wanted,’ she said, with the most positive smile she could muster. ‘And I’m still focused on the girls. I’m going to have a celebration for Zoe, actually, Mum. There’s something I should tell you.’

  ‘About her pregnancy and elopement?’ said Rosalind.

  ‘How do you know?’ Heidi asked.

  ‘Tuesday,’ said Rosalind. ‘She’s very well informed.’

  Heidi tried not to react, but inside she felt irritated with Tuesday for sharing her daughter’s private news.

  ‘And?’ said Heidi. ‘What do you think?’

  ‘She’s very young…’ started Rosalind.

  Heidi and Rosalind exchanged a knowing glance.

  ‘I think she’s the sort of person who can make it work,’ said Heidi. ‘She has her head screwed on, and I’ve offered to help them. They can live with me.’

  ‘What about her studies?’

  ‘There’s no reason why she can’t study. I’m here to help. Between us, we can sort it out.’

  ‘You know what? Tuesday would love to help,’ said Rosalind. ‘She’s already said as much. I think you contacting her has given her the chance of a new life. She was lonely, you know. I think here, she feels needed.’

  ‘Good,’ said Heidi, with a sigh. ‘And now I just need to help William get sorted out. Johnny wanted that; I know he did.’

  ‘What about what you want?’ Rosalind asked. ‘Be careful of your heart. Johnny was a bit impulsive finding William like that.’

  ‘I hardly think waiting thirty-six years to find your son is impulsive,’ Heidi replied. ‘I’m trying to do the right thing, that’s all.’

  ‘I know, love,’ Rosalind replied. ‘I know you are. I just don’t want to see you hurting any more than you already are.’

  They watched as Max got out of the sea with ease – unlike Heidi, who found getting out of the water almost more difficult than getting in. Dizzy from the cold, she usually fell over in the shallows as the waves swept her towards the shore, tripped up by the current and stumbling on the uneven, sharp shingle, yelping in pain. Max strode up the beach, pushing his goggles onto the top of his head and grinned at Heidi, who raised her hand in salute.

  ‘Here’s Neptune,’ Rosalind muttered under her breath as he approached them. Heidi gently slapped Rosalind’s knee in reprimand.

  ‘Good swim?’ she asked Max when he reached them and dug into his bag for a towel. He slung it over his back, drying his face with one corner.

  ‘Fantastic,’ he said. ‘Are you both alright? Were you plotting something?’

  Rosalind stood up and moved inside the beach hut, where she busied herself with pouring Max a cup of tea.

  ‘No, not at all,’ Heidi said, straightening her back. ‘We were just talking about the party for Zoe. You’ll be there, Max, won’t you? Tuesday will be very pleased about that. She never stops talking about you.’

  She said the last sentence too loudly and deliberately, so that Rosalind would prick up her ears.

  ‘Oh?’ said Rosalind. ‘What’s this? I can’t keep up with this family! Is that why Tuesday is so keen to move here? I thought I was the attraction!’

  ‘It’s nothing,’ said Max. ‘I don’t know what Heidi’s referring to.’

  Heidi gave a small laugh but stopped abruptly when she saw the stony expression on Max’s face.

  ‘Sorry, Max. I didn’t mean anything—’ she started, but he interrupted her.

  ‘I better get back to the workshop,’ he said, pulling on his fur-lined waterproof cape – popular with sea swimmers and surfers – and slinging his bag on his back. He left his tea untouched.

  ‘Okay,’ said Heidi, picking up her bag. ‘I’ll give you a lift. Mum, I’ll call you later. Sorry to leave so quickly. Will you make one of your pavlovas for Zoe’s party? A really big one?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Rosalind quietly. ‘Yes, I’ll make one of my bloody pavlovas.’

  They shared a smile.

  ‘Thank you. I’d better go,’ said Heidi, running to catch up with Max, who had walked off and was halfway down the beach.

  ‘Max!’ she cried. ‘Wait up!’

  But Max didn’t stop. He walked up the cliff path and straight past the Morris. Half running, she stopped at the car and called after him.

  ‘Don’t you want a lift?’

  But he raised his hand to silence her.

  ‘I’ll walk!’ he shouted back. ‘I want to walk.’

  Heidi stood still, confused, watching him march into the distance, before she threw her wet things into the back seat and started up the engine. Pulling up alongside Max and driving extremely slowly, she wound down the window.

  ‘Max, please let me give you a lift,’ she said quietly. ‘You’ll get cold. Please.’

  Max stopped walking, threw back his head and exhaled, before climbing into the passenger seat, bringing half a ton of sand with him.

  ‘Sorry about what I said on the beach,’ she said, pulling off. ‘It was thoughtless. I know Jane was your whole life and that you miss her terribly. It was a flippant comment and stupid. Please accept my apology.’

  ‘Forgiven,’ Max mumbled. ‘But it’s not really about Jane. It’s… well, it’s something I’ve been carrying around for a long time.’

  Heidi tensed. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ she asked carefully, driving towards the traffic lights.

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘Look, let’s just forget about the whole thing.’

  A few beats of awkward silence passed between them.

  ‘Okay
, so before Johnny died he…’ said Max, ‘he…’

  ‘He what?’ asked Heidi, clenching the steering wheel harder.

  ‘He asked me about what happened between us,’ said Max, ‘when he went to work in Manchester all those years ago.’

  Heidi tensed, her back rigid in the seat.

  ‘We were so young!’ she said. ‘Did you tell him the truth? Did he know about us?’

  Max continued to stare out of the window. Heidi held her breath, waiting for his answer.

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘I denied the whole thing.’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Heidi, relieved.

  ‘But he cracked up laughing and said he knew we’d been an item,’ Max said. ‘He wasn’t angry that you hadn’t told him. In fact, he said we made a good couple!’

  Heidi blushed. ‘Odd thing to say. It was a hundred years ago.’

  ‘I know,’ said Max. ‘But the thing is, I agree with him. We did make a good couple. I know your heart was always with Johnny, is still with Johnny, but I want you to know that I care about you. A lot.’

  Heidi’s face was the colour of a box of raspberries. She knew she might be reading between the lines, but she had to spell out the truth.

  ‘Max,’ she said, her heart thumping, ‘I just want to be entirely honest with you here. You know how much I care about you. You’re one of my closest friends. But it will always only be friendship for me. Johnny has only just passed away, but even so, I don’t want anything other than friendship. Johnny was the only one for me. I hope you’re not offended. I don’t want our friendship to be damaged in any way.’

  Max grinned. ‘Of course not. I knew you’d say that. I just wanted you to know that I care about you. When Johnny had his first heart attack, he asked me to look out for you. Maybe I’ve been overthinking his request!’

  Heidi smiled sadly.

  ‘Sorry if I crossed a line,’ said Max. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking. We’re friends – good friends. That’s crystal clear. I’m glad that’s cleared up.’

  Her heart still pounding, at the junction she panicked and stalled the car, annoying the young BMW driver behind.

  ‘Sorry,’ she said, raising her hand in the rear-view mirror, but the driver put his foot down on the accelerator and overtook, impatiently and dangerously. As he whizzed by, he gave Heidi an angry V sign shouting, ‘Learn to drive, Grandma!’ out his window.

  Max stuck his hand out the window and returned the gesture, bellowing unrepeatable words to the young driver. The discomfort in Heidi’s belly transformed into a bubble of laughter and, all of a sudden, she couldn’t stop laughing.

  Thirty-One

  Professional help for his gambling problem. That’s what Heidi had promised William. And she’d found it in the shape of a group for gambling addicts and friends, who met up in a local church hall. Heidi had offered to go with him but had explained that if he didn’t want her to stay, she would leave. Now, waiting in the entrance to the church hall, she checked her watch. The session would soon begin, but there was no sign of William.

  When her phone rang, she quickly pulled it from her pocket, expecting it to be him with an excuse for why he wasn’t going to make it. But it was Scarlet. Moving her curls out of the way, Heidi pushed the phone to her cheek, alarm shooting up her spine.

  ‘Are you alright?’ said Heidi. ‘Is Charlie bothering you again?’

  ‘Where are you?’ replied Scarlet. ‘I’m with Zoe near the pier. We’re supposed to be scattering Dad’s ashes, aren’t we?’

  Heidi’s hand shot to her mouth and she closed her eyes. She had completely forgotten the arrangement that they’d made weeks before. They’d plucked the date in May from nowhere, she hadn’t written it down, and with everything that was going on she had – unbelievable as it might seem – forgotten. She groaned.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ she said. ‘I’ve got completely side-tracked today. Oh, why didn’t you remind me? Can we do it tomorrow? I’m so sorry.’

  There was a moment’s silence on the phone. She imagined Scarlet’s face setting into a stony expression, covering up the hurt she no doubt felt.

  ‘I didn’t think I’d have to remind you, Mum,’ said Scarlet. ‘It’s Dad’s ashes.’

  Heidi squeezed her eyes shut.

  ‘I really am sorry, Scarlet,’ she said. ‘You know I wouldn’t simply have forgotten something so important if I wasn’t doing something else.’

  ‘Are you with William?’ interrupted Scarlet.

  ‘No, I’m—’ started Heidi. ‘Well yes, I’m waiting for him. I’ve made him an appointment for him to see… and I… it’s important.’

  Heidi hadn’t breathed a word of William’s problems to Scarlet or Zoe. Partly because that was his wish, and partly because she feared Scarlet would hold it against him.

  ‘Clearly,’ said Scarlet. ‘I’ve only travelled from Southampton for this and missed a class. Frankie drove me here. Zoe, Mum’s not coming. We might as well go.’

  She could hear Zoe murmuring on the other side of the phone. She felt suddenly homesick for her daughters, a flicker of resentment towards William blooming inside her. Where the hell was he?

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ said Heidi. ‘I could come later instead.’

  ‘It’s okay,’ sighed Scarlet. ‘We’ll do it another day.’

  ‘Don’t worry, Mum,’ she heard Zoe’s voice pipe up.

  Scarlet hung up and Heidi pushed her phone into her bag and covered her face with her hands, silently screaming. Then there was a tap on her shoulder. William. His eyes were red-rimmed, his forehead glittering with light perspiration. She arranged her features into an expression of calm.

  ‘Sorry I’m late,’ he said. ‘You don’t have to come in with me.’

  ‘I’d like to,’ she said. ‘It might help me to understand better. But I’ll go if you prefer.’

  Heidi’s heart hammered as they went inside, thoughts of her dejected girls swirling around in her head. And what of Johnny’s ashes? Left on the shelf in the workshop in that green pot. It wasn’t good enough. She wasn’t good enough.

  ‘I think this is the chap I spoke to,’ she said to William, when the group leader, a tall, thin man called Andy, with a lanyard swinging around his neck, approached them. He invited them to take a seat and they sat next to each other, close to a young couple in their twenties on one side and a father and son on the other. Everyone looked nervous, grateful for the handout that Andy was distributing. When the papers arrived in her own clutch – a leaflet about gambling addiction – the words swam around in front of Heidi’s eyes. She was acutely aware of William’s leg jogging up and down, his heel tapping out a frenzied rhythm on the parquet floor.

  ‘As we all know,’ began Andy, ‘for every person affected by gambling, at least another five people are also affected. Today, you’ve all brought along people who are involved in your journey and I thought we could start with you telling us a bit about yourselves. William, shall we begin with you? Please remember this is a non-judgemental space to say whatever you like. Everything you say will remain in these four walls. Please, tell us your story, in whatever order it comes out.’

  All eyes turned towards William and Heidi. She held her breath, wondering how William would react in this situation. In their relationship so far he had been reluctant to share very much at all. She gave him a small, encouraging smile.

  ‘Honestly,’ said Andy, ‘just go for it. This is what this session is for. No one will judge you.’

  William sighed and checked his palms, which were shiny with sweat. He chewed the inside of his cheek, then he looked up, sat back in his chair.

  ‘I’m adopted and my adopted dad died when I was a toddler,’ he said. ‘He fell off a ladder and my mum was heartbroken. She got together with another bloke, my stepdad, who didn’t like me much. He had a son, and of course the sun shone out of him. I found out I was adopted when I was thirteen during an argument. My stepdad blurted it out to me and said it was a miracle my mum could put up with
me, since I was a reject, that kind of thing. My mum stood up for me and defended me, and I loved her so much, but I spent a lot of years thinking that perhaps I really was a reject. There must have been a reason my birth parents didn’t want me. My stepdad then went off with another woman, and when I was eighteen my mum took her own life. I guess she couldn’t stand all the loss. I was out somewhere, in a nightclub with some friends, when she jumped off a bridge into a river. A passer-by tried to rescue her, but it was dark and—’

  He let out a bark of mournful laughter. The room was completely silent, and Heidi felt sure everyone in there could hear her heartbeat. She remembered standing on Trent Bridge in Nottingham, staring down at the black water. Her throat ached painfully with the need to cry – to scream at the top of her lungs – but she remained motionless.

  ‘I found myself alone in the world,’ continued William. ‘I finished college, where I was doing a photography course, and tried to put the past behind me. I got a job as a photographer’s assistant in this tiny studio with this lovely old guy. I managed to lock my feelings into a box and padlock it shut. I tried to omit the past. I didn’t visit my mother’s grave. I felt empty. Then, ten years later, I found out that I was born in Dorset. I moved to Poole and I got together with a woman, and we had a child. I loved them so much, I could barely breathe with the fear I might mess it up. And I did. I just couldn’t get things right. I had some savings and tried to make a go of being a freelance photographer, but it was tough. I fell into debt. I wanted, so badly, to be a good father and husband, but I felt kind of paralysed.’

  William took a deep breath. The room remained silent.

  ‘There was one day I went into a casino with a mate,’ he said. ‘I got lucky and went straight home and gave the winnings to my wife and said I’d had a photography commission and that I thought things were on the up. Her happiness and relief – it drove me onwards and it went from there. I started using online gambling sites and couldn’t stop. I’d nip into the bookies on my lunch break. I felt convinced I’d win big. Someone has to. I just wanted my partner to love me, I guess. I didn’t want to disappoint her or lose her. I wanted to prove to everyone that I’m worthwhile, I’m valuable, a provider. Not a reject. Sounds pathetic coming from a grown man, doesn’t it?’