Being Jazmine (Invisible Series Book 3)

by Cecily Anne Paterson

  I take a deep breath in, and push it out again. When she puts it like that, I guess I feel bad. I can see what she’s saying. I really can. And yet, I can see the other side of it too.

  Maybe she’s right.

  Maybe I don’t understand anything about being deaf.

  I guess what I’m trying to understand is about being Jazmine.

  I shrug my shoulders. ‘I know, Mia. I really do.’ It’s easier to be brave now that I’ve started. ‘But she’s my friend. She was pretty much my only friend back when I had no friends. She’s done a lot for me. We have each other’s backs. She says she wanted to learn what it’s like for me, and I thought this would be something.’ I look at the ground. I see what Mia is saying, but I have a point of view too.

  ‘It’s like this. I’ve got two worlds to live in,’ I tell her. ‘I want there to be some cross over.’

  Mia’s face is frustrated. ‘You have to choose,’ she signs. ‘You’re either deaf or you’re not.’ She turns as if she’s going to go, going to walk away from me, but I pull her arm.

  ‘Don’t walk away,’ I sign. ‘It won’t fix things.’ There’s a courage surging through me. ‘I can’t choose,’ I sign. ‘I don’t want to choose.’

  Mia looks shocked, like she’s never heard this before. But I’m this far in, I might as well keep going.

  ‘The fact is, I’m not really part of either world. I’ve figured that out now. The hearing world thinks I’m deaf. The deaf world thinks I’m hearing.’ I make a face at her. ‘Be honest. You wouldn’t even talk to me when you first met me.’

  She makes a little head movement, like, okay, you’ve got me there. ‘But then you showed me you wanted to be deaf, so we let you in,’ she signs.

  ‘But even then I felt like I was pretending a bit,’ I sign. ‘To be hearing, I have to try so hard I’m exhausted. To be deaf, I have to try so hard that I’m confused. It’s impossible to be me.’ Now I feel angry. ‘I’m on the edge of both worlds.’

  I take a step away from her and look up to the sky. The clouds are returning, and with them, a dark edge that threatens rain. ‘Maybe I can make my own world for people who are exactly like me, but I think it’s gonna be a small population.’

  Mia is quiet and still, just watching me. Inside me, there’s rage that still has to come out.

  ‘Fact is, there’s nowhere else I can go. I’m going to have to live in both worlds. So I’d like them to know each other a little. And I’ve decided: I’m going to be crossing over a bit.’

  Mia turns to leave again, and then she stops, like she’s thinking the better of it. She turns back to me, and her face is dark, not with anger, but… almost sadness.

  ‘You can cross over,’ she signs. ‘And that’s where we’re different. You can pretend to be in the hearing world. I can’t even start.’ She looks up and swallows hard. ‘Those people out there - they just treat me like I’m nothing. Like I’m broken and I have to be fixed. But I’m not.’

  ‘I know,’ I say to her. ‘I know what you mean.’

  ‘There’s no place out there for me. And when you bring them in here, it just feels like… betrayal, all over again.

  I put my hand out to Mia’s arm. She’s almost shaking. I’ve never seen her like this.

  ‘I’m really sorry, Mia,’ I sign. ‘Freya told me about Sarah. It sounded horrible.’

  ‘Charlotte would have done the same thing,’ signs Mia. She can hardly look directly at me. ‘That’s why we dropped her.’

  ‘I don’t think she would have,’ I sign. ‘I didn’t know Sarah, but I don’t think Charlotte was like that. Anyway, I don’t want you to drop me. I like you guys a lot. I feel more at home with you, here, than I’ve felt anywhere. Like, forever.’

  ‘You’re weird, for a half-deaf kid,’ signs Mia. She’s got a small smile on her face though.

  ‘You’re weird too, for a Strong Deaf kid,’ I sign back, and I grin at her. ‘And when you do your online shop, I’ll be the first one to buy your t-shirts. One for me, one for Gabby.’ We start to walk back to the group together. ‘She’s learning Auslan, you know.’

  ‘Yeah,’ signs Mia. ‘We’ll see. All the hearing people say that, and they never do.’

  I grin to myself. I know something about Gabby that she doesn’t know, and that is that if Gabby says she’ll do something, she does it. Gabby doesn’t give up. And she especially doesn’t give up on her friends.

  I don’t tell Mia that though.

  Instead, I sign, ‘Yeah. We’ll see.’

  Chapter 25

  Gabby comes back to Grandma’s place with me.

  “How’d I do?” she asks and I give her a thumbs-up.

  “You were you,” I say. And I sign it in Auslan too, because if she’s going to learn, she might as well start now. “And being you is exactly perfect.”

  She grins, happy, and bounces a little bit. “The classes start in two weeks. I can’t wait. Plus, when we get so good at signing to each other, we’ll be able to sit in my room in total silence and freak my mum out. She won’t be able to listen at the door.”

  I feel slightly shocked. “Does she do that?”

  Gabby laughs. “Probably not. But the fact that she can’t, even if she wants to, is going to make her head spin.”

  I have two more days at Grandma’s, and we do the usual things: gardening, going out to eat and just hanging around.

  On the last day she tells me to get in the car, we’re going to the nursery.

  “What for?” I ask.

  “You’ll see,” she says.

  When we get there she still won’t tell me what she needs, so I try to guess. “Mushroom compost? Sugarcane mulch? Spray for the roses?”

  “No,” she says. And she leads me down to the section where the vines and creepers are.

  “Are you putting in something new?” I ask but she shakes her head.

  “Read the tag,” she says. “On that one.” She points to a medium sized pot which has in it a green vine growing small white flowers. I bend down to look at it but I already know what it is.

  Jasmine.

  “They spelt it wrong,” I say, trying to make it a joke, and Grandma smiles at me.

  “I couldn’t find a version of it with a ‘z’. Turns out you’re unique,” she says. “But we know that already.” She picks up the plant. “It’s for your garden at home. I know you’re still not sure if you want to plant one or not, but this might change your mind.”

  There’s a sudden lump in my throat. My heart feels like it’s tearing open with love, and I can hardly look at Grandma.

  “Really?” I say.

  “Really,” she says. And she says something else. “It’s hardy. It grows anywhere. It survives most things. And, it smells incredible. No one can miss it.” She tilts her head towards me. “Just like you. You’re going to find your place, you know. Because your place is wherever you decide to be. You’re hardy and resilient. You can grow anywhere. And you are an amazing person.”

  “Who smells good,” I say, with another grin.

  “Who smells incredible,” Grandma says with a wild shrug and crazy gesture. She hugs me. “And after this we’ll get a cup of tea, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  I’m sad to leave, of course, when Grandma drops me back to the new house, but I’m also surprisingly glad to see Mum again. She’s standing at the front door, waiting for me as we pull up, with Geoff by her side. They look happy together, I think, and there’s a jump in my heart when I catch Mum’s eye and she smiles at me. I feel warm inside.

  I’ve missed her, I realise.

  There are hugs all around. We get all the stuff out of the car, including the jasmine plant, the pot all wrapped up in a plastic bag so it won’t leak water or dirt all over the seats.

  “Don’t forget to plant it,” Grandma tells me. She has to leave straight away because otherwise it’ll be dark when she gets home and she prefers not to drive at night. “Next time you can show me how it’s doing.” I kiss he
r goodbye, and Mum and Geoff say thank you as well, and Grandma heads off.

  And I’m home again.

  Home. The word doesn’t sound too bad.

  Mum taps me on the shoulder.

  Was it good? she signs to me. Were you happy?

  I stand and look at her for a moment. She’s signing. Without sighing. Or looking upset.

  It was really good, I tell her. And Gabby was great too.

  Geoff follows us into the kitchen. Mum gestures to the table. Come and tell me everything, she signs. But slowly. Because I’m still practising.

  “I can talk if you want,” I say. I still have my hearing aids in from being with Grandma. “It’s not a problem.”

  No, signs Mum. I should practise this. Let’s try.

  I sit, amazed. And Mum sits too. And then, the most surprising thing of all happens.

  Geoff taps me on the shoulder. I look up to him, and I see his concentrating face. He uses his hands. And he signs.

  Do you want tea?

  It’s slow and a bit awkward, but it’s a question and I can understand it. A smile spreads out over my face, and I sign back to him.

  Yes, please.

  And that first day back, I talk to Mum and to Geoff. A lot. And when we’ve finished talking, and I’m in my room, I dig in my cupboard and find Mum’s old bracelet. I put it on again, and I go to find Mum.

  “Do you mind if I wear this for a bit?” I ask her, holding out my wrist. “I like it.”

  She looks up at me, from her chair in her office, surprised. ‘Of course,’ she signs. ‘I’d love you to.’

  ‘I’ll wear it with this one,’ I sign to her, and hold out the silver bracelet I wore at the wedding. “They look nice together.”

  Mum swallows hard, and blinks a little, and then she gives me a smile that isn’t tight, and isn’t stretched. Her eyes are smiling too. ‘They look wonderful together,’ she says.

  On the second day back, I plant the jasmine vine in the garden. I dig into the dirt, spread a little fertiliser and then fill up the hole with the plant. Then I take the tendrils and carefully thread them around bits of the fence, so they’ll cling and grow. I sit back on my heels and look at my work.

  It looks good.

  It smells incredible.

  It feels like home.

  And from that point, that’s the way things are.

  I figure I just have to work life out as I go. I’m not as Strong Deaf as some people, but I’m don’t hear as well as others, either. I’m that girl who has hearing aids, and who struggles to speak Auslan at the right speed. Grandma says I’m going to have to be good at crossing cultures, from the Deaf culture to the hearing culture. That’s true, I guess. I’m straddling two worlds, I know that, and there are people I love in both of them. Maybe one day, I’ll pick a culture and live in it more permanently for a while. But right now I don’t want to make that decision. I’m only fourteen. Maybe I’ll miss out on something.

  Or maybe I won’t. Who knows?

  But sometimes you just have to keep going, even if you don’t know what final decision to make.

  In my garden, my jasmine vine is growing. Grandma was right. It’s hardy, and it’ll survive most things. Like me.

  It’s not easy, being Jazmine. It’s confusing. It’s tricky. It’s marvellous, it’s terrible. It’s triumphant, it’s hilarious. But it’s not impossible, and I’m doing the best I can.

  In the end, I’m okay with it.

  And I’m grateful.

  Because there are a thousand different ways of being okay.

  THE END

  More in the Invisible Series

  Have you read them yet?

  Invisible (Book 1)

  Jazmine Crawford doesn’t make decisions. She doesn’t make choices. She doesn’t make friends. Jazmine Crawford only wants one thing: to be invisible. For Jazmine, it’s a lot easier to take out her hearing aid and drift along in life pretending that nothing’s wrong than it is to admit that she’s heartbroken. But something’s got to give… and soon.

  “An exquisitely written story… a stunning account of the reinvention of a compelling and sympathetic character.” ~ Publisher’s Weekly

  “Lovely… sensitive, hopeful, empowering” ~ Cathy Cassidy

  Invisible was a semi-finalist in the 2014 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award.

  Sign up for Cecily Anne Paterson’s newsletter here and she’ll give you a free copy of Invisible.

  Invincible (Book 2)

  Finally, everything is going right for 13 year-old Jazmine Crawford. After years of being invisible, she’s making friends, talking to her mum and hanging out with Liam. But what happens when everyone around her changes? Will getting back in touch with her grandma help her cope or just make things worse? And who’s going to finally give arrogant Angela what she deserves?

  Invincible was a finalist in the 2016 Caleb Awards.

  Acknowledgements

  This book came into being solely because I can’t say ‘no’ to a challenge. After Doctor Sharon Pajka, PhD, of Gadaullet University read and reviewed the first two books in the Invisible series, she said, “Now you have to give Jazmine some deaf peers.” I am so grateful for her help in giving me access to deaf students to ask research questions of, and for commenting on the final draft. Sharon’s blog is a review of literature that features deaf characters, and is worth a read. www.pajka.blogspot.com.au

  It’s my hope that readers will not only relate to Jazmine and her difficulty in finding her place in the world, but that they’ll also begin to become more aware of Deaf culture and the challenges people who are deaf and hard of hearing have as they make their way through a largely hearing world.

  I’m grateful to Rodney Adams and his team for inviting me to be part of a Deaf conference for teenagers. I learned and experienced so much, and those lessons played into this story.

  I appreciate my reader and writer friends who comment, correct and challenge me to think more about the writing, as well as the story and how it works: Kristen Young, Laura Tharion, Anna Krebs, Natalie McNee, Selena and Colleen in my writer’s group.

  Of course, my thanks go to my husband who always encourages my writing, and to you readers, who ask for more.

  Being Jazmine is in paperback

  Books on your e-reader are great, but when you really love a story, there’s nothing like having it on your shelf in paperback, am I right?

  Grab a copy of Being Jazmine for yourself, or buy it as a gift for a girl in your life. You can order it through major book retailers or online.

  Afterword

  Dr Sharon Pajka, Gallaudet University

  In the fall of 2014, I met Cecily Anne Paterson through her novel Invisible. It was one of those books that I just could not put down. As an English professor who teaches adolescent literature, and a researcher who gathers books for my blog, Deaf Characters in Adolescent Literature, I am always searching for books that include deaf characters. My interest in the topic began about fifteen years ago with one of my students requesting summer reading. At that time, I was a high school English teacher at a residential school for the deaf. I was thrilled that my student was planning her summer reading; and, like many teachers, I read popular teen novels and professional journals so I felt prepared to make some recommendations. Yet, she had one stipulation; she wanted to read about characters similar to herself.

  Like many of the students I have taught, this student viewed herself as a member of a cultural linguistic minority, and she did not view herself as disabled. She wanted to read about characters that use American Sign Language and participate as members within the Deaf community. She did not want to read didactic books about deafness but instead wanted books with unpredictable plots and believable characters. I recall that finding fictional books with deaf characters had been somewhat of a challenge. As a high school teacher, I never seemed to have enough time to put together a complete list of books. For that summer, I was able to recommend a book that I thought would be a good s
ummer read but it did not meet my student’s request as far as I was concerned. It included only one character that was deaf. While this may be a common experience for some deaf individuals, it was not what I was hoping to find. Nevertheless, my student liked it and wanted to read more books with deaf characters.

  Since I entered the field of Deaf Education, I have sought and read numerous books about deafness. While memoirs and biographical selections have been relatively easy to acquire, finding fictional books for adolescents including deaf characters has been more challenging. Of the books I have read, some successfully portray deaf people in a realistic and authentic manner while others present inaccurate and unrealistic portrayals of deaf people. This does not surprise me. After all, authors write about topics in which they are often quite unfamiliar and the topic of deafness is filled with numerous complications and nuances.

  Historically, authors have used deafness as a literary device to relay various messages about the struggles of humankind and elicit sympathy from readers. In my 2014 interview with Cecily Anne Paterson, she explained, “I certainly didn’t set out to write a book about a deaf girl. It all came about because I needed a plot device…” I adored Invisible; and, although the character Jazmine and her deafness began as a plot point, Paterson brought to life a dynamic character.

  The story is told from the perspective of Jazmine Crawford, a deaf girl who functions as a hard of hearing teen when she’s wearing her hearing aid. Having the deaf character share her own perspective is rare since many books with deaf characters are told from a hearing character’s point of view.

  Jazmine uses Australian Sign Language, more frequently known as Auslan, to communicate. In the same way that American Sign Language (ASL) is its own language here in the United States, Auslan is its own language of the Australian Deaf community; and, both of the signed languages’ grammars and vocabularies are distinct from English. They are natural languages that developed organically over time.