by Kira Saito
Yes! See, I told you he knows he should stay here and rot. Don’t be a self-sacrificing girl with low self-esteem, queen.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. In fact, it kind of made me more than a little angry. I pulled away from him. “Oh my God! What the hell did you think would happen here? For crying out loud, you’re under a voodoo curse!”
“But that was before…”
“Before what?”
He sighed. “Before I…” He went silent.
Frustrated, I decided to do the talking. “Listen carefully. This is the first and last time we’re going to have this conversation. You should have thought about all of that before you invited me here and then begged me to stay!” I crossed my arms and looked at him with utter fury. “Now’s not the time to turn into a coward, and from where I’m standing that’s exactly what you sound like. You’re the one who keeps going on and on about the future being bright, yet you keep pulling back.”
He took a deep breath and there was a spark of fire behind his eyes. “I want you to be safe and happy; is that so wrong?”
“No. It’s not wrong, but it is predictable. Are you trying to protect me? Please, it’s a little too late for that. Don’t you remember what you told me when you gave me this necklace?” I asked, as I lifted the silver dagger chain up from my neck. “What am I supposed to do, leave and pretend that none of this ever happened? Go back to being an indecisive psychopath that ignores the spirits?” I tossed back my head and let out a cynical laugh. I felt rage wash over me. From where I stood, it was clear that Lucus didn’t really have any feelings for me. That whole ‘we can’t be together because it’s too dangerous’ scenario was utter crap!
Don’t be a self-sacrificing girl with low-self-esteem…
“Well, my life is never going to be normal again. It wasn’t even normal to begin, with so you haven’t really interrupted anything. I don’t need your pity or whatever this is. For the first time in my life I feel like I’m in control. As weird as it may seem when I’m running around in swamp or speaking to a spirit, I feel alive. I don’t feel like a bitter robot complaining about everything. And I’m not being a self-sacrificing girl with low self-esteem!” I cried, no longer able to ignore Ivan’s voice. My face was hot and my voice was hoarse. Sure, I could have been all calm and mature, but him telling me to leave was essentially a big old slap in the face. Maybe he thought I was too much drama or maybe he was just like Tony and…
He drew me close again. I unwilling felt my anger melt away. “Is that what you think? You think I pity you?” His eyes dug into mine and begged me to try to understand. His hand on my nape of my neck sent shivers down my spine.
I shrugged.
“Maybe I am being a coward, but when I see you with someone like Tony or Ivan, I can’t help but feel the way I do.”
Tony? Ivan? If I could only tell you the truth about Ivan. “And how is that?” I wanted him to admit he was jealous.
He took a long pause.
“Well?” I asked impatiently.
Finally, he spoke. His voice was low and miserable as it blended with the violent rain. “You belong in a world uncomplicated by the ugliness that my life is built on. Sometimes I wish this entire plantation would go down in flames and I would go along with it. My faith in you will never waver, but watching you suffer on my account is horrific. I don’t deserve you. I’m afraid that the deeper you get into this world, the more you’ll despise me. And the thought of you feeling that way about me…I saw your expression when you walked into the cemetery…The tears you shed when you saw Louis’ grave. The mere thought of his body rotting there while his soul is in turmoil is monstrous. Little by little, you’re going to realize how ghastly my world is. I don’t want you to think that I’m a monster.”
He doesn’t deserve peace. He admitted it. All that self-hatred Prince Charming has is convincing, isn’t it? He deserves to live in self-hatred.
I let out an exhausted sigh. “There’s no justification for any of this. It will always be plain wrong and what human wouldn’t be horrified by the sight of all those graves? But you’re the one who keeps saying that the future doesn’t have to be horrible and yet we keep having the same conversation. You keep telling me that you basically deserve all of this, so your logic is pretty twisted. Besides, if I thought you were a monster I would have left a long time ago, so stop doing this. Stop telling me how I’m going to end up feeling about you. What I feel for you is far from repulsion…”
No, queen. Telling Ken you lurvee him will make him happy. Keep quiet. He deserves misery.
“I do believe the future has the potential to be bright,” he paused. “But not for me. For you. You can do and be anything you want, Arelia. Maybe I can’t give you the happy ending you deserve. And you do deserve a happy ending.”
“You’re a quitter!” I whispered, as I pulled away from him again. He looked as if I had just slapped him across the face. My voice was bitter and furious as I spoke. “All of these years you’ve been super depressed because you never had the guts to fight for what was right, and you still don’t have the guts. Louis’ soul is as lost as yours; don’t you think you owe it to him to help him? He’s trapped like you are and just as confused. You’re not alone in this. For once in your life stand up and experience pain for something worthwhile. Nothing worth fighting for is easy, isn’t that what you told me? Besides, this isn’t about me or you, it’s about something bigger. Erzulie told me to have faith. So you can either choose to fight by my side or not; either way I’m not giving up.”
Keep me out of this, queen, or you’ll be very sorry. I don’t make promises I can’t keep.
He didn’t say anything which made me even angrier.
“Say something!” I shouted.
He was quiet, distant and contemplative as the candlelight bounced off of him. I felt like smacking him like I had smacked Ivan, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Even though he was being impossible right now, he’d never been anything but kind to me.
Standing in an enormous bathroom with my torn dress, wild hair, bare feet and mud-stained face, I felt so small and vulnerable, but I wasn’t going to go down without a fight. I stood on my toes and clenched my fists, even though the wounded one hurt like hell. “I fell for your crap! I fell for your romantic and hopeful reflections about the future, and now I realize how epically stupid I’ve been! How am I supposed to believe you when you don’t even believe in yourself? You keep saying you have faith in me, but why don’t you have any faith in yourself? ”
Maybe Ivan was right, there was no hope. Both of them should live in eternal misery. No. I couldn’t allow myself to think like that. I couldn’t allow his logic to win. If everyone started to think like that, then… Then we were all doomed.
He still didn’t say anything. Instead, he examined his bloody palm. For some reason, at that second, he reminded me of Tony, privileged and self-absorbed. I had thought he was different, but clearly, I was wrong. The only thing I could do was laugh. I stood there and laughed like a maniac. The rain beat against the window pane and the candles blazed brightly as the room filled with my feverish laughs. I continued to laugh until there were tears in my eyes and my stomach ached wildly. I was so naive. After what happened last summer I had vowed to be smarter, yet I found myself in the exact same situation. What did that say about me?
You’re beginning to see things my way. I told you so.
In the middle of this episode, I felt a surge of pepper and rum rush into my mouth. Lucus’ fingers slowly stroked the back of my neck and made their way down the arch of my back. A sugary dizziness possessed me as the smell of wet jasmine and lilies grew stronger. His tongue was hot and determined as it danced with mine. Ivan’s voice disappeared. Everything disappeared except for him.
Afterwards, his lips grazed my ear. “Perhaps I don’t deserve you, but I do want you. I don’t ever want you to think I’m a coward. I’ve been a coward my entire life, but not anymore. I can’t promise that I�
�ll change overnight, but I can promise that I’ll never give up trying. A dark part of me is addicted to this misery because I truly believe it’s my eternal punishment. Marie had good reason for doing this to me, but God knows Louis doesn’t deserve any of it. I need to ease his suffering. I owe that to him. I want to be brave. I don’t want to be held prisoner by my past. I want to be more like you. I’ve never met anyone like you.”
“You’ve never met a crazy person with irrational mood swings?”
He laughed lightly. “You see crazy, I see alive and spontaneous. Someone who’s not afraid of fighting. You’re my beautiful spirit, Arelia. Je t'aime,” he said, as he covered my mouth in another delicious rum and pepper infused kiss.
Blood filled kisses.
The old Arelia would have been skeptical, and maybe somewhere deep within me I was. But there comes a point where being paranoid, overtly critical and analytical gets infinitely tiresome and you have to let go a little. I didn’t want to be one of those food-critic types who were so absorbed with the supposed flaws of a dish that they forgot what the hell they were eating in the first place. So, at his words, I allowed myself to feel like Disney Princess again, and I didn’t even try to stop the cheesy grin that spread across my face. The world was a hopeful place once more. Did I need Lucus? No. Did I want him? Yes. Why? Aside from the fact that he was really hot, he was kind, honest and the trees were made out of cotton candy and chocolate when he was around. I wanted to be more like him.
Oh please, queen. Are you really going to buy into that? I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s told every other chick that’s been in this house. And if I remember correctly, there were quite a few… Don’t say a word. Different boxes. Blood-filled boxes.
I wanted to desperately tell him about Ivan, but when I opened my big mouth none of the words came out.
“We belong in different boxes.” The words unwillingly escaped my lips. Shut up Ivan. I tried not to think about that mystery girl he had been obsessed with. Had he told her the same thing? What a lame thing to think at a time like this.
“I’ll build a box big enough for the both of us, if that’s the case,” he whispered.
“The bathtub is going to overflow,” I said, as I alerted him to the almost overflowing tub.
That a girl. Don’t say a word. You’ve got stones in your passway.
He turned off the tap and then turned his attention back to me. “You don’t have to say anything; I don’t expect you to tell me what I want to hear.”
“Please remember what you promised me at the lily pond. Please,” I pleaded, not knowing how else I could let him know that I felt the same way he did.
He nodded and a slight smile played on his full lips. He turned me around and my toes curled as I felt his lips graze my neck and his hands on my back. He unzipped my dress and my heart picked up pace. “I’ll never ask you to leave again, no matter how painful it gets. I’ll be there right beside you sharing it all. You’re stubborn, sometimes painfully infuriating, but above all impossibly unique and beautiful. I love you. I have since I saw you rescue Ben and even more so when you threw clumps of mud at me,” he laughed. “I want to be someone you deserve. Somehow we’ll get out of this together. We have to. Now, go on and take your bath. I’m going to go calm Sabrina down and try to explain it all to her. I should have done that a long time ago,” he said. “Meet me afterwards?” he asked softly, as he covered my neck in kisses.
I nodded. For the first time in my life, I willingly kept my mouth shut. I wanted to remember the moment exactly as it was. I love you too.
You’re in love with a murderer.
Chapter 12
An Uninvited Invitation
I fully immersed myself in the rancid red water and tried to hold on to the giddy feeling that Lucus had left me with. Mystically, flames danced around me and the steady pace of the rain against the window pane soothed away some of the horrific memories of the night. Maybe this was what Bade had meant when he had said that beauty and love could be found in the ugliest circumstances.
Although I was in a happy place, I couldn’t ignore the sinking feeling I had in the pit of my stomach. What had Papa Ghede meant by his warning? The only logical explanation behind the whole scenario was Ivan. But how would I stop him? He was more powerful than I had given him credit for.
A firm knock on the door pulled me out of my reflective moment, and my head emerged from the bizarre red water.
“Come in,” I said, figuring that it must be Grand-mere or Aunt Mae.
The door opened and I was horrified to see Ivan standing on the other side. Clad in nothing but black boxer briefs, of course, he lazily leaned against the doorframe while a cigarette dangled from the corner of his mouth.
“What the hell, Ivan! Get out!” I shouted furious.
“Hey, you said come in,” he said, as he shut the door behind him. “Did you have fun with Ken?”
I wasn’t going to let on that I was nervous. I’d never taken Ivan seriously before, but after tonight, I knew that he was a pretty powerful voodoo king. I needed to be calm, and as much as I wanted to argue with him, I wasn’t going to provoke him more than I already had. I sank lower into the water and did my best to hide as much of myself from him as possible.
“After all you’ve done tonight, please let me take my bath in peace. You know I haven’t said anything, but nothing’s changed. I’m not leaving. This little game isn’t going to work.”
His uncanny grey eyes examined me from across the room, but he remained silent. He took a satin covered chair from the corner of the room and pulled it up beside the bathtub. Then, he placed his feet on the ledge and serenely lit up the cigarette that was in his hand. The intimidating, threatening smell of John the Conqueror root, cigarette smoke and rain surrounded me. Despite the warm temperature of the bath water, my body went cold and rigid. I wanted nothing more than to run out of the bathroom, but considering that I was naked and there wasn’t a towel nearby I didn’t really have much of a choice but to stay in the tub.
He sat there and watched me in silence. I felt unbelievably shy all of a sudden. Of course, I could hear his thoughts. He was singing. Man did he love to sing.
And my road seem dark as night
I have pains in my hearts
They have taken my appetite
To break the totally awkward moment, I spoke first. “Whatever you’re planning on doing with Sabrina, please don’t. Your issues are with me, not her.”
He laughed. “You really think I’d waste my time messing around with Barbie?”
I shrugged. “How else can you explain what happened to her? And you did sleep with her, which means you could have easily taken a piece of her soul.”
He grinned and ran his fingers through his hair. “Do I sense a hint of jealousy? Don’t worry, there’s plenty of me to go around. Besides, we each choose to believe what we want to. If you think that I’m playing around with the princess, nothing I can say will change your mind.”
I rolled my eyes. “Feeling philosophical tonight, aren’t we?” I asked, as I brought my fingers to my temples. The dull ache in my head returned and for a second I felt like drowning myself. Surely it would be better than sitting there and arguing with Ivan.
Slowly, almost gracefully, he kneeled by the bathtub and examined me. The candlelight made his cleft and frown lines appear deeper than they actually were. “I don’t hide what I am. I don’t hide behind a veneer unlike most people.”
I swallowed hard and gathered my courage. “Not everyone puts on an act. Besides, this isn’t the real you,” I whispered. “I’m here to listen if you want to talk about your parents, that girl or what you went through…” My voice trailed as I examined Ivan’s cynical expression.
“This is the me that I never had the courage to be. The me I should have been a long time ago,” he said, as he reached out and twirled a lock of my wet hair around his finger. “So sentimental, queen. When did you turn into a therapist? You’re making me nervous,
being all mature and adult-like.”
I slapped his hand away. Being around him made me feel fatigued, drained and utterly depressed. He was a veil of darkness that threatened to push me over the edge of my sanity. “Why are you here?”
“I wanted to invite you to dinner. Given how you’re always stuffing your face, I thought you might be hungry,” he said, as a smug smile lit up his face.
I was totally taken aback by his offer and more than a little skeptical. Truthfully, I was starving but I needed to get back to Sabrina and then meet Lucus, not have dinner with a psycho. “I’m not hungry.”
“Of course you are. You’re always hungry,” he said, as he put out the cigarette on the ledge of the tub.
“No, I’m not,” I tried to make my voice as firm as possible.
He leaned closer and gently stroked my cheek with the tips of his fingers. The scent of John the Conqueror root was intense. When he spoke, his voice was soft and barely audible. “Why are you so stubborn?”
“Blame it on genetics and a very moody spirit.”
He laughed deeply, almost genuinely, and then gave me a passionate kiss. My eyes closed and the world went dark again.
“Work with the other loa,” whispered Erzulie, as I slipped into a deep, dark coma.
Chapter 13
A Respectable Little Dive
When my eyes opened, I found myself standing in an excruciatingly extravagant room. Plush silk sofas lined the walls. Crystal chandeliers dangled from the ceiling and illuminated the neo-classical paintings that adorned the room. The floor was covered with a luxurious black and red oriental carpet, and a wooden table that sat in the center of the room held a row of long fully lit candlesticks, plates of tempting pralines and a bouquet of red chrysanthemums. The aroma of melted wax, flowers and pralines was seductive but at the same time distinctively gloomy and melancholy.
