No Second Chances

by Marissa Farrar

  I approached the garage where The First and Last practiced, muffled rock music already thumping from behind the closed door. I frowned and broke into a jog.

  They’d started without me.

  I guessed Ryan was trying to make a point that I hadn’t been around much lately. I was only ten minutes late, but I hadn’t seen the guys as much as normal. Since the night I’d found Gabi wandering the streets in the rain, I’d done my best to spend time with her, ‘accidentally’ bumping into her in the mall, and sitting with her at lunch. She treated me with the kind of tolerance someone might have at finding a stray but cute dog suddenly following them around everywhere, but I was desperate for her to see me as something more.

  I was still annoyed with myself for making a mess of things on that first night when I’d invited her to band practice. I didn’t know what I’d been thinking, strutting around like a god-damned peacock, trying to get Gabi’s attention by flirting with her friend. I’d totally misjudged her, thinking she’d be like other girls—just happy to be in my company. What an idiot I’d been. I felt especially bad as I was now the cause of her falling out with her friend, though I couldn’t help thinking Taylor wasn’t much of a friend if that was all it took to ruin their friendship. Maybe I didn’t understand the fairer sex at all.

  Gabriella was constantly on my mind lately, her wide smile and big eyes always willing to jump into my head. I hoped I was wearing her down. Breaking down those defenses she’d built so high around her. I could still feel the imprint of her lips against my skin, how I’d caught a waft of her perfume—something sweet and citrus—as she’d leaned over and kissed me after I’d driven her home. I knew she was hiding something, but I didn’t know what. The thought her dad might be hurting her bothered me, though I’d never seen any unusual bruises on her, and she didn’t dress to hide her skin. It wouldn’t be unusual for a guy like him to be easy with his fists—a power thing—not that I was one to talk, though I’d never laid my hands on a woman. I wondered if that might have been the reason Gabi’s mom had taken off when she was small. Though I knew it wasn’t a good thing to have in common, I liked that Gabi understood how it felt to not be wanted. Selfish, I knew, but I’d always been a selfish son-of-a-bitch.

  How could I be anything else when I’d never had anyone to care about other than myself?

  But now, for some reason I couldn’t explain, I cared about Gabi. Our relationship was currently as innocent as a newborn baby, but she’d somehow woven herself into my heart. I took hope in the fact she’d kissed me on the cheek the other night. I needed to get her alone, take her on a real date, but nothing I came up with felt good enough for her. I didn’t have much money, and the thought of taking her to the movies or just to the diner for something to eat didn’t feel adequate. For some reason, getting Gabriella Weston to notice me felt like the most important thing in the world.

  We were just kids and I was dreaming to think we might have something together—we barely knew each other—but I couldn’t help fantasizing about the future. I imagined I would have a place of my own, and we would spend some real time together, cooking meals and cuddling up on the couch to watch boxed sets of DVDs. I’d never had my own space before, where I could do whatever I wanted, and to have Gabi at my side made the fantasy perfect. In fact, I realized, if she wasn’t by my side, I feared the loneliness that had been at the center of my soul since I’d been a small child would only deepen.

  Each day that passed brought me another day closer to my birthday.

  I knew my foster parents wanted me out. I’d been fighting with Danny again, and they’d now separated us, so I was sleeping on the couch. I could tell they were counting down the days until they’d be rid of me, and I didn’t blame them. Life would be easier for them with me no longer around, but they were too good people to just throw me out or try to get me placed with another family when I was so close to being free from the system.

  Though I was looking forward to being independent, the prospect gave me sleepless nights. I didn’t have many opportunities ahead of me. I hadn’t had much of an education, no job, no family to give me a helping hand. I was in this on my own. Sure, I had the band, but even I wasn’t dumb enough to think we were going to hit the big time. We weren’t exactly mainstream. The only thing I knew anything about in the world was how it felt to be an unwanted kid raised by the state. I didn’t think there was much I could do with that—it wasn’t as though anyone was going to stump up money for my college education any time soon.

  Perhaps someone would take me on as an apprentice, though I had no idea what I could be an apprentice at. I wasn’t particularly good with cars, having never had a dad or older brothers to show me my way beneath the hood of a vehicle. My skills in a kitchen were limited to toast, and I knew nothing about plumbing or electrics.

  Besides, I didn’t even know if an apprentice’s wage was enough to rent a room, never mind an entire apartment. But I did want to work, and I was willing to do anything. I wanted to get out of the system and start to build a life for myself, off my own back. I’d been floating around for so long, all I wanted was to create some roots and anchor myself for a while.

  I bent down and hooked my fingers beneath the old style garage door and hauled it up to send it backward across runners overhead, revealing my bandmates, still jamming. My drum set sat empty and silent in the corner.

  Ryan jerked his chin at me, and Mike gave me a half smile, but Adam just stared at the ground as he continued to pluck the strings of his bass. I forced a smile back and then wove between them to take my seat behind the drums. I picked up my sticks and was about to beat out a rift, when the song came to an end.

  “Break time, guys,” Ryan called.

  Shit.

  I didn’t know if he’d done that as a deliberate slight, but already my back was up.

  “You coming, Cole?” he said as he walked past.

  A door on the back led out behind Ryan’s house, which the garage was attached to.

  I hadn’t expected the invite. “Oh, yeah. Sure.”

  I got to my feet, leaving my sticks beside my drum set, and followed them out. They sat in a patch of sunshine, rolling cigarettes from papers. I didn’t smoke—I tried it a few times, but I just didn’t like it. I wasn’t averse to a couple of drinks if they were being offered, but I would avoid the tobacco.

  Except this time I noticed they were dropping more into the hand-rolled cigarettes than tobacco. I was used to smoking weed on the odd occasion, but this was something else.

  “What you got there?” I asked.

  “Just a little extra something to perk us up.” He held lit the cigarette and took a toke and then held it out to me. “Want some?”

  I lifted a hand. “Nah, I’m good, thanks.”

  “You don’t have to smoke it. You can snort some if you want.”

  “Seriously, I’m fine.”

  He shrugged and handed the cigarette over to Mike. “Suit yourself.”

  I sat awkwardly with them while they passed the smoke around. Before long they were laughing together, making me feel like a total outsider. I’d never felt uncomfortable in their company before—well, maybe occasionally, but not like this. If I’d felt like I was on the outskirts of things when I’d walked into band practice, now I felt like I was practically on a whole other continent. Was this still some kind of punishment for having Gabi around? Or did they not even give a shit, and this was just something that was going to have been around anyway?

  I got back to my feet and shoved my hands in my pockets. “So, are we going to jam, then?”

  They’d been laughing with their heads together, but looked around as I spoke, as though they’d forgotten about my presence altogether.

  “Yeah, sure, dude,” said Ryan. “Let’s jam.”

  I tried not to let my relief show as we headed back into the garage. Everyone took their positions and I slid onto the stool behind my drum set. I was glad to be back on comfortable ground, and as soon as Ryan co
unted us in, we were all playing together just like usual. I tried to put the memory of whatever they’d been smoking out of my mind. It wasn’t my business. They were adults and could do whatever the hell they liked.

  I felt sure I didn’t have anything to worry about.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Cole – Present Day

  On the morning of Gabi’s hospital appointment, I arrived at her house a half hour earlier than needed. I’d been ready to leave by eight a.m., and had done my best to make the hours go faster, but still I’d left way too early and then driven around town with the radio on loud. Despite driving to the opposite side of town, I’d still ended up sitting outside of her house stupidly early.

  I was nervous, and maybe that was stupid, too.

  Once upon a time I’d known this woman—though then she’d been a girl—even better than I’d known myself. I’d held her when she’d been sad, and brushed away her tears with my fingers. I’d fought with her when she’d been angry, and laughed with her when she’d been happy. I’d kissed her mouth, and her eyes, and run my tongue over every inch of her skin.

  Yet here I was now, nervous to even sit in the same car with her.

  I wondered if she’d forgotten about my offer to drive her to her appointment. Perhaps I was being ignorant again. I hadn’t thought that she might need specialist transport if she was back in a wheelchair because of her injury. I didn’t know how these things worked, and now I wished I’d asked the right questions instead of pulling the macho-hero stunt with her and all but bullying her into allowing me to come. I was in unknown territory, and I didn’t like it.

  The front door opened and Gabi appeared, wearing her prosthetic, but aided by a pair of crutches. Her corkscrew brown curls were wild around her face, and she wore a maxi-dress, which covered her prosthetic leg, but showed off her cleavage. God, she was so fucking beautiful, always had been. No missing limb would ever change that for me.

  Immediately, I threw open the driver’s door and jumped out to help her, but she’d juggled both the crutches, her purse and the front door, and turned to face me with a smile. “Just how long were you planning on sitting out here?” she said.

  “Not long enough to get the courage to come and knock,” I admitted.

  Gabi frowned. “What are you nervous for? I’m the one with the appointment.”

  Her words made me realize how different our head-spaces were now. While I was worrying whether she was ever going to want to see me again, she was worrying about whether or not she would be able to walk.

  Fuck, I was such a shallow bastard at times.

  “How’s your dad” I asked instead, wanting to change the subject.

  She shrugged. “Much the same. Seems no worse for his experience, apart from maybe a bruised ego.”

  Gabi headed to the passenger side of the car. I nipped around quickly to open the door for her.

  She lifted her eyebrows at me. “I’m capable of opening a car door, Cole.”

  “I know that. I’d still open the car door for you whether you were on crutches or not.”

  I thought I saw a hint of a smile on her lips, but I didn’t want to push my luck.

  She got in the car and I took the crutches from her and slid them across the back seat. I slammed the door shut and then got back behind the wheel and pulled the car out into the light traffic.

  “How has your … leg been?” I asked as I drove.

  She glanced over at me. “It’s okay, you can say stump. That’s what it is.”

  “Okay … stump.” The word sounded ugly and awkward from my lips.

  “It’s been all right,” she said, answering my question. “I think getting the ice on it so quickly really helped, so thank you for that.”

  I gave her a smile. “You’re welcome.” I hesitated, wanting to ask her something, but not wanting to upset her. But my curiosity got the better of me. “What happened to your leg?”

  I glanced over at her, but she stared directly ahead. For a moment, I didn’t think she was going to tell me, but then she started to speak, her voice remaining even throughout her story.

  “It was a bomb in Iraq. A car drove directly toward me and a soldier I was stationed with. I thought the vehicle was most likely driven by a bitter local who wanted to mow us both down. I pushed the other soldier out of the way, and shot the driver, but it made the car veer off course, toward the soldier I was with. I thought the car was still too far away from us to cause any damage, but as soon as it hit the wall of the building where we were on lookout, the vehicle exploded. Turned out there were explosives on board. The soldier I was with died. He was the father of a newborn baby girl. I escaped with only the loss of my leg.”

  I tried not to let my shock show on my face. Of all the possibilities I’d considered, for some reason Gabi being a veteran had never occurred to me. Was it just because she was woman? If she’d been a man who had returned to town with a missing limb, I thought that would have been the first thing that would have jumped into my mind. Or was it just that I’d never considered the sweet, bookish girl I’d fallen in love with would have ever joined the Army? A wave of guilt washed over me. Had she enlisted just to get away from me? Was he missing limb ultimately my fault?

  “I’m so sorry, Gabi,” I managed to say between the barrage of thoughts jumbling around my head.

  I couldn’t even imagine the things she’d been through.

  “I should have pushed him the other way,” she said. “He’d still be alive then.”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” I said.

  She shook her head. “You weren’t there.”

  For once, I was at a complete loss for words.

  Within ten minutes we reached the hospital, and Gabi hooked a blue disabled parking placard onto the rearview mirror of my car. She seemed to have shaken off the morose atmosphere which had settled over her during recounting the events that had led to her injury, and she flashed me a smile.

  “Not many perks of losing a leg,” she said, “but that’s one of them.”

  “I hadn’t considered a parking placard to be a perk before.”

  “Well, they are. I also lost about eight pounds in one go, so there’s that, too.”

  My eyebrows shot up my forehead, and she laughed and pushed her hair from her face. “Got to look at the bright side of things.”

  That was my Gabi, right there. The girl I remembered—fun and feisty, and incredibly sexy. A sudden urge to plunge my fingers into those tight curls and kiss her hard took over me, but I didn’t want to ruin the delicate bridge of friendship we’d created.

  “Thanks for letting me drive you today, Gabs.” I risked reaching out and touching her hand, but she pulled away from me.

  Her brown eyes studied my face, and a couple of faint lines appeared between her eyebrows. She didn’t appear angry, more curious. “What’s your game plan here, Cole? Why do you even want to drive me? Is it a guilt thing?”

  “No, of course not. I mean, I do feel guilty about what happened between us …”

  “Nothing happened between us,” she said, quickly. “We were young, and clearly you were stupid.”

  I couldn’t argue with her.

  “Don’t worry,” she said, “it’s not like I think you’re going to hit on me, or anything.”

  Her words surprised me. That was the exact thing I thought she might have been worried about.

  “You’re not?”

  She laughed but there wasn’t any humor in the sound. “It’s not like I’ve got men lusting over me these days. I mean, no one wants a woman who only has one leg.” She snorted. “Actually, that’s not true. You wouldn’t believe the number of guys who have a thing for amputees, but honestly, I’m not interested in being someone’s fetish.”

  My mouth dropped. “You’re kidding me, right?”

  “Nope. They’re a real pain in the ass, especially with social media these days. They stalk the forums and befriend any young woman who fits the bill. They even pretend to be amputee
s themselves to try and create a bond with real amputees. They’re known as devotees. ”

  “I had no idea.”

  She shrugged again. “Why would you?”

  We got out of the car and made our way to the assisted mobility department in the hospital. I lurked awkwardly as Gabi let the receptionist know she was there.

  “You can wait in the car,” she told me, after the receptionist had told her to take a seat. “Or go and grab a coffee. I’ll probably be a little while.”

  “I’m happy to wait.”

  She shook her head. “I need to do this on my own.”

  “Oh, right. Sure. I’ll see you back by the car, then?”

  Gabi gave me a small smile. “See you in a while.”

  I turned and walked away, my stomach in knots, feeling like I’d just been dismissed.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Gabi – Present Day

  Watching Cole’s broad back as he walked away, I tried not to let myself think about how he hadn’t argued with me when I’d said no man would want a woman with one leg. Why had I been expecting him to?

  It was a stupid and insulting thing to say anyway—there was no reason why someone who’d become an amputee would suddenly become undesirable. I felt sick and guilty that I’d allowed my own insecurities taint other people. What I had meant to say was that Cole wouldn’t want me now I was missing my leg.

  I didn’t know why I kept letting myself think there might be something more between us. Was it just because of how close we’d been in the past? I wished I could stop thinking of him like that. No matter how many times I reminded myself of how badly he’d hurt me, and of the fact I would never let him see my stump, or that he would even want to see my stump, my heart kept longing.

  Movement came at the door of my doctor’s office and I glanced up.

  “Ms. Weston,” said Dr. Merryweather, “do you want to come through?”

  Using my crutches, I got up and followed him through to his office. He gestured for me to take a seat opposite him, which I did.