PS, I Love You: A Novel

by Cecelia Ahern

  “I bet it works, though,” Holly said.

  “Absolutely, the first line of my article will be: Everybody go out and buy one, they’re fab!” he laughed.

  “What else have you got?” Holly tried to peek behind him into the office.

  “I’m doing an article on what to wear for all the Christmas parties coming up. A few dresses arrived today. In fact,” he looked her up and down and Holly sucked in her belly, “there’s one that would look fab on you, come in and try it on.”

  “Oh goody,” Holly giggled. “I’ll just have a look, though, John Paul, because to be honest, I have no need for a party dress this year.”

  Overhearing the exchange, Chris shook his head and yelled from his office, “Does anybody in this bloody office ever do any work?”

  “Yes!” Tracey yelled back. “Now shut up and don’t be distracting us.” Everyone in the office laughed and Holly could swear she saw Chris smile before he slammed his office door shut for dramatic effect.

  After searching through John Paul’s collection, Holly went back to work and eventually called Denise back.

  “Hello? Disgusting, stuffy and ridiculously expensive clothes shop. Pissed off manager speaking, how can I help you?”

  “Denise!” Holly gasped. “You can’t answer the phone like that!”

  Denise giggled, “Oh don’t worry, I have caller ID so I knew it was you.”

  “Hmmm.” Holly was suspicious; she didn’t think Denise had caller ID on her work phone. “I got a message you called earlier.”

  “Oh yeah, I was just ringing you to confirm you were going to the ball; Tom is going to buy a table this year.”

  “What ball?”

  “The Christmas ball we go to every year, you dope.”

  “Oh yeah, the Christmas ball they always hold in the middle of November?” Holly laughed. “Sorry, but I can’t make it this year.”

  “But you don’t even know what date it’s on yet!” Denise protested.

  “Well, I assume it’s being held on the same date as every other year, which means I can’t make it.”

  “No, no, it’s on the thirtieth of November this year, so you can make it!” Denise said excitedly.

  “Oh, the thirtieth …” Holly paused and pretended to flick through some pages on her desk very loudly. “No Denise, I can’t, sorry. I’m busy on the thirtieth. I have a deadline …,” she lied. Well, she did have a deadline, but the magazine would be out in the shops on the first of December, which meant she really didn’t need to be in work on the thirtieth at all.

  “But we don’t have to be there till at least eight o’clock,” Denise tried to convince her. “You could even come at nine if it was easier, you would just miss the drinks reception first. It’s on a Friday night, Holly, they can’t expect you to work late on a Friday …”

  “Look Denise, I’m sorry,” Holly said firmly. “I’m just far too busy.”

  “Well that makes a change,” she muttered under her breath.

  “What did you say?” Holly asked, getting slightly angry.

  “Nothing,” Denise said shortly.

  “I heard you; you said that makes a change, didn’t you? Well, it just so happens that I take my work seriously, Denise, and I have no plans to lose my job over a stupid ball.”

  “Fine then,” Denise huffed. “Don’t go.”

  “I won’t!”

  “Fine!”

  “Good, well I’m glad that’s fine with you, Denise.” Holly couldn’t help but smile at the ridiculousness of the conversation.

  “I’m glad you’re glad,” Denise huffed.

  “Oh, don’t be so childish, Denise.” Holly rolled her eyes. “I have to work, simple as that.”

  “Well, that’s no surprise, that’s all you ever do these days,” Denise blurted out angrily. “You never come out anymore; every time I ask you out you’re busy doing something apparently much more important, like work. At my hen weekend you looked like you were having the worst time of your life, and then you didn’t even bother coming out the second night. In fact, I don’t know why you bothered to come at all. If you have a problem with me, Holly, I wish you would just say it to my face instead of being such a miserable bore!”

  Holly sat in shock and stared at the phone. She couldn’t believe Denise had said those things. She couldn’t believe Denise could be so stupid and selfish to think that this whole thing was about her and not Holly’s own private worries. No wonder she felt like she was going insane, when one of her best friends couldn’t even understand her.

  “That is the most selfish thing I have ever heard anyone say.” Holly tried to control her voice but she knew her anger was spilling out into her words.

  “I’m selfish?” Denise squealed. “You’re the one who hid in the hotel room on my hen’s weekend! My hen’s weekend! You’re supposed to be my maid of honor!”

  “I was in the room with Sharon, you know that!” Holly defended herself.

  “Oh bullshit! Sharon would have been fine on her own. She’s pregnant, not bloody dying. You don’t need to be by her side twenty-four-seven!”

  Denise went quiet as she realized what she had said.

  Holly’s blood boiled, and as she spoke her voice shook with rage, “And you wonder why I don’t go out with you. Because of stupid, insensitive remarks like that. Did you ever think for one moment that it might be hard for me? The fact that all you talk about are your bloody wedding arrangements and how happy you are and how excited you are and how you can’t wait to spend the rest of your life with Tom in wedded bliss. In case you hadn’t noticed, Denise, I didn’t get that chance because my husband died. But I am very happy for you, really I am. I’m delighted you’re happy and I’m not asking for any special treatment at all, I’m just asking for a bit of patience and for you to understand that I will not get over this in a few months! As for the ball, I have no intention of going to a place that Gerry and I had been going to together for the past ten years. You might not understand this, Denise, but funnily enough I would find it a bit difficult, to say the least. So don’t book a ticket for me, I am perfectly happy staying at home,” she yelled and slammed the phone down. She burst into tears and lay her head down on the desk as she sobbed. She felt lost. Her best friend couldn’t even understand her. Maybe she was going mad. Maybe she should be over Gerry already. Maybe that’s what normal people did when their loved ones died. Not for the first time she thought she should have bought the rule book for widows to see what the recommended time for grieving was so she wouldn’t have to keep on inconveniencing her family and friends.

  Her weeping eventually died down into little sobs and she listened to the silence around her. She realized that everyone must have heard everything she’d said and she felt so embarrassed she was afraid to go to the bathroom for a tissue. Her head was hot and her eyes felt swollen from all her tears. She wiped her teary face on the end of her shirt.

  “Shit!” she swore, swiping some papers off her desk as she realized she had smudged foundation, mascara and lipstick all along the sleeve of her ’spensive white shirt. She sat up to attention as she heard a light rapping sound on her door.

  “Come in,” her voice shook.

  Chris entered her office with two cups of tea in his hands.

  “Tea?” he offered, raising his eyebrows at her, and she smiled weakly, remembering the joke they had shared on the day of her interview. He placed the mug down in front of her and relaxed in the chair opposite.

  “Having a bad day?” he asked as gently as his gruff voice could.

  She nodded as tears rolled down her face. “I’m sorry, Chris.” She waved a hand as she tried to compose herself. “It won’t affect my work,” she said shakily.

  He waved his hand dismissively. “Holly, I’m not worried about that, you’re a great worker.”

  She smiled, grateful for the compliment. At least she was doing something right.

  “Would you like to go home early?”

  “No thanks, work
will keep my mind off things.”

  He shook his head sadly. “That’s not the way to go about it, Holly. I should know that, of all people. I’ve buried myself inside these walls and it doesn’t help things. Not in the long run anyway.”

  “But you seem happy,” her voice trembled.

  “Seeming and being are not one and the same. I know you know that.”

  She nodded sadly.

  “You don’t have to put on a brave face all the time, you know.” He handed her a tissue.

  “Oh, I’m not brave at all.” She blew her nose.

  “Ever hear the saying that you need to be scared to be brave?”

  Holly thought about that. “But I don’t feel brave, I just feel scared.”

  “Oh, we all feel scared at times. There’s nothing wrong with that and there will come a day when you will stop feeling scared. Look at all you’ve done!” He held his hands up displaying her office. “And look at all this!” He flicked through the pages of the magazine. “That’s the work of a very brave person.”

  Holly smiled, “I love the job.”

  “And that’s great news! But you need to learn to love more than your job.”

  Holly frowned. She hoped this wasn’t one of those get-over-one-man-by-sleeping-under-another type chats.

  “I mean learn to love yourself, learn to love your new life. Don’t just let your entire life revolve around your job. There’s more to it than that.”

  Holly raised her eyebrows at him. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

  “I know I’m not the greatest example of that,” he nodded. “But I’m learning too …” He placed his hand on the table and started to brush away imaginary crumbs while he thought about what to say next. “I heard you don’t want to go to this ball.”

  Holly cringed at the fact he had heard her phone conversation.

  Chris continued. “There were a million places I refused to go to when Maureen died,” he said sadly. “We used to go for walks in the Botanic Gardens every Sunday, and I just couldn’t go there anymore after I lost her. There were a million little memories contained in every flower and tree that grew in there. The bench we used to sit on, her favorite tree, her favorite rose garden, just everything about it reminded me of her.”

  “Did you go back?” Holly asked, sipping the hot tea, feeling it warm her insides.

  “A few months ago,” he said sadly. “It was a difficult thing to do but I did it and now I go every Sunday again. You have to confront things, Holly, and think of things positively. I say to myself, this is a place we used to laugh in, cry in, fight in, and when you go there and remember all those beautiful times you feel closer to your loved one. You can celebrate the love you had instead of hiding from it.”

  He leaned forward in his chair and stared directly into her eyes. “Some people go through life searching and never find their soul mates. They never do. You and I did, we just happened to have them for a shorter period of time. It’s sad, but it’s life! So you go to this ball, Holly, and you embrace the fact that you had someone whom you loved and who loved you back.”

  Tears trickled down Holly’s face as she realized he was right. She needed to remember Gerry and be happy about the love they shared and the love she still continued to feel; but not to cry about them, not to yearn for the many more years with him that would never come. She thought of the line he had written in his last letter to her, “Remember our wonderful memories, but please don’t be afraid to make some more.” She needed to put the ghost of Gerry that haunted her to rest but to keep his memory alive.

  There was still life for her after his death.

  Forty-five

  “I’M SO SORRY, DENISE,” HOLLY apologized to her friend. They were sitting in the staff room of Denise’s workplace surrounded by boxes of hangers, rails of clothes, bags and accessories, which were untidily strewn around the room. There was a musty smell in the air from the dust that had landed on the rails and rails of clothes that had been sitting out for so long. A security camera attached to the wall stared at them and recorded their conversation.

  Holly watched Denise’s face for a reaction and saw her friend purse her lips and nod her head wildly, as if to let Holly know it was OK.

  “No, it’s not OK.” Holly sat forward in her chair, trying to have a serious discussion. “I didn’t mean to lose my temper on the phone. Just because I’m feeling extrasensitive these days, it doesn’t give me the right to take it out on you.”

  Denise looked brave enough to finally speak. “No, you were right, Holly …”

  Holly shook her head and tried to disagree but Denise kept on talking, “I’ve been so excited about this wedding that I didn’t stop to think about how you might be feeling.” Her eyes rested on her friend, whose face looked pale against her dark jacket. Holly was doing so well it was easy for them all to forget that she still had ghosts to be rid of.

  “But you’re right to be excited,” Holly insisted.

  “And you’re right to be upset,” Denise said firmly. “I didn’t think, I just didn’t think.” She held her hands to her cheeks as she shook her head. “Don’t go to the ball if you don’t feel comfortable. We will all understand.” She reached out to hold her friend’s hands.

  Holly felt confused. Chris had succeeded in convincing her to go to the ball, but now her best friend was saying it was OK not to go. She had a headache, and headaches scared her. She hugged Denise good-bye in the shop, promising to call her later to give her a decision about the ball.

  She headed back to the office feeling even more unsure than before. Maybe Denise was right, it was only a stupid ball and she didn’t have to go if she didn’t want to. However, it was a stupid ball that was hugely representative of Holly and Gerry’s time together. It was a night they had both enjoyed, a night they would share with their friends and an opportunity to dance to their favorite songs. If she went without him she would be destroying that tradition, replacing happy memories with an entirely different one. She didn’t want to do that. She wanted to hang on to every single shred of memory of the two of them together. It was scaring her that she was forgetting his face. When she dreamed about him he was always somebody else; a person she made up in her mind with a different face and a different voice.

  Now and again she rang his mobile phone just to hear his voice on his answering machine, she had even been paying the mobile company every month just to keep his account open. His smell had faded from the house; his clothes long gone under his own orders. He was fading from her mind, and she clung to every little bit of him that she could. She deliberately thought about him every night right before she went to sleep just so that she would dream about him. She even bought his favorite aftershave and splashed it around the house so she wouldn’t feel so alone. Sometimes she would be out and a familiar smell or song would transport her back to another time and place. A happier time.

  She would catch a glimpse of him walking down the street or driving by in a car and she would chase that person for miles only to discover it wasn’t him; just a look-alike. She couldn’t seem to let go. She couldn’t let go because she didn’t want to let go, and she didn’t want to let go because he was all she had. But she didn’t really have him, so she felt lost and confused.

  Just before reaching the office Holly poked her head into Hogan’s. She was feeling much more at ease with Daniel. Since that dinner where she had felt so uncomfortable in his company, she had realized that she was being ridiculous. She understood now why she had felt that way. Before, the only close friendship she had ever had with a man was with Gerry, and that was a romantic relationship. The idea of becoming so close to Daniel seemed strange and unusual. Holly had since convinced herself that there didn’t need to be a romantic link for her to share a friendship with an unattached man. Even if he was good-looking.

  And the ease she felt had become a feeling of companionship. She had felt that from the moment she’d met him. They could talk for hours discussing her feelings, her
life, his feelings, his life, and she knew that they had a common enemy: loneliness. She knew that he was suffering from a different kind of grief and they were helping each other through the difficult days, when they needed a caring ear or someone to make them laugh. And there were many of those days.

  “Well?” he said, walking around from behind the bar. “Will Cinderella go to the ball?”

  Holly smiled and scrunched up her nose, about to tell him that she wouldn’t be going, when she stopped herself. “Are you going?”

  He smiled and scrunched up his nose and she laughed. “Well, it’s going to be another case of Couples ‘R’ Us. I don’t think I could cope with another night of Sam and Samantha or Robert and Roberta.” He pulled out a high stool for her at the bar and she sat down.

  Holly giggled, “Well, we could just be terribly rude and ignore them all.”

  “Then what would be the point in going?” Daniel sat beside her and rested his leather boot on the footrest of her chair. “You don’t expect me to talk to you all night, do you? We’ve talked the ears off each other by now; maybe I’m bored of you.”

  “Fine then!” Holly pretended to be insulted. “I was planning on ignoring you anyway.”

  “Phew!” Daniel wiped his brow and pretended to look relieved. “I’m definitely going then.”

  Holly became serious. “I think I really need to be there.”

  Daniel stopped laughing. “Well then, we shall go.”

  Holly smiled at him. “I think it would be good for you too, Daniel,” she said softly.

  His foot dropped from her chair and he turned his head away from her to pretend to survey the lounge. “Holly, I’m fine,” he said unconvincingly.

  Holly hopped off her chair, held him by the cheeks and kissed him roughly on the forehead. “Daniel Connelly, stop trying to be all macho and strong. It doesn’t wash with me.”

  They hugged each other good-bye and Holly marched back to her office, determined not to change her mind again. She banged loudly up the stairs and marched straight by Alice, who was still staring dreamily at her article. “John Paul!” Holly yelled. “I need a dress, quick!”