PS, I Love You: A Novel

by Cecelia Ahern

  Her situation was no extraordinary sight on Christmas day. The graveyard had been packed with visitors, families bringing their aged mothers and fathers to visit their departed spouses, young women like Holly wandering alone, young men … She had watched as a young mother broke down over a gravestone while her two startled children watched on not knowing what to do. The youngest child could only have been three years old. The woman had quickly dried her eyes to protect her children. Holly was thankful that she could afford to be selfish and only have to worry about herself. How on earth that woman could find the strength to carry on through the day with two toddlers to worry about jumped into Holly’s head regularly that day.

  All in all, it hadn’t been a good day.

  “Oh, happy Christmas, dear!” Elizabeth announced, walking out of the kitchen with her arms held open to embrace her child. Holly started to cry. She felt like the young child at the graveyard. She still needed her mummy, too. Elizabeth’s face was flushed from the heat of the kitchen and the warmth of her body warmed Holly’s heart.

  “I’m sorry.” She wiped her face. “I didn’t want to do that.”

  “Hush,” Elizabeth said soothingly, hugging her even tighter. She didn’t need to say anything more; just being there was enough.

  Holly had called around to visit her mother the previous week in a panic about what to do about the Daniel situation. Elizabeth, not usually the baking kind of mother, was in the middle of making the Christmas cake for the following week. Her face was powdered with patches of flour, the sleeves of her sweater were rolled up to her elbows, bits of flour gathered in her hair. The kitchen counter was covered in stray raisins, sultanas and cherries. Flour, pastry, baking trays and tin foil cluttered the surfaces. The kitchen was decorated in colorful glittery decorations and that wonderful festive smell filled the air.

  The moment Elizabeth laid eyes on her daughter, Holly knew that she could sense there was something wrong. They sat at the kitchen table, which was overflowing with red and green Christmas serviettes with picture prints of Santa, reindeers and Christmas trees. There were boxes and boxes of Christmas crackers for the family to get competitive over, chocolate biscuits, beer and wine, the whole lot … Holly’s parents had stocked up well for the Kennedy family.

  “What’s on your mind, love?” Holly’s mother asked, pushing a plate of chocolate biscuits toward her.

  Holly’s stomach rumbled but she couldn’t handle any food. Once again she had lost her appetite. She took a deep breath and explained to her mother what had happened between her and Daniel and the decision she was faced with. Her mother listened patiently.

  “So how do you feel about him?” Elizabeth asked, studying her daughter’s face. Holly shrugged helplessly, “I like him, Mum, I really do but …” She shrugged again and trailed off.

  “Is it because you don’t feel ready just yet for another relationship?” her mother asked gently.

  Holly rubbed her forehead roughly. “Oh, I don’t know, Mum, I don’t feel like I know anything anymore.” She thought for a while. “Daniel is a brilliant friend. He is always there for me, he always makes me laugh; he makes me feel good about myself …” She picked up a biscuit and began to pick away at the crumbs. “But I don’t know if I’ll ever feel ready for another relationship, Mum. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t; maybe this is as ready as I’ll ever feel. He’s not Gerry, but I’m not expecting him to be. What I feel now is a different kind of feeling; but a nice one, too.” She paused to think about that feeling. “I don’t know if I’ll ever love the same way again. I find it hard to believe that will happen, but it’s a nice thought to have that maybe someday I could.” She smiled sadly at her mother.

  “Well, you don’t know if you can if you don’t try,” Elizabeth said encouragingly. “It’s important not to rush into things, Holly. I know you know that, but all I want is for you to be happy. You deserve it. Whether being happy is with Daniel, the man on the moon or without anybody, I just want you happy.”

  “Thanks, Mum.” Holly smiled weakly and rested her head on her mother’s soft shoulder. “I just don’t know which of those things will do that for me.”

  As comforting as her mother was to her that day, Holly was no closer to making her decision. First she had to get through Christmas day without Gerry.

  The rest of Holly’s family, minus Ciara who was still in Australia, joined them in the living room and one by one they greeted her with warm hugs and kisses. They gathered around the tree and exchanged gifts and Holly allowed the tears to flow all throughout. She hadn’t the energy to hide them; she hadn’t the energy to care. But the tears were a strange mixture of happiness and sadness. A peculiar sensation of feeling alone yet loved.

  Holly sneaked away from the family so she could have a moment to herself; her head was a jumble of thoughts that needed to be sorted and filed. She found herself in her old bedroom staring out the window into the dark blustery day. The sea was fierce and threatening and Holly shuddered at its power.

  “So this is where you were hiding.”

  Holly turned to see Jack watching her from the bedroom door. She smiled weakly and turned around to face the sea again, uninterested in her brother and his recent lack of support. She listened to the waves and watched the black water swallow the sleet that had begun to fall. She heard Jack sigh loudly and felt his arm around her shoulder.

  “Sorry,” he said softly.

  Holly raised her eyebrows, unimpressed, and continued to stare ahead.

  He nodded to himself slowly. “You’re right to treat me like this, Holly, I’ve been acting like a complete idiot lately. And I’m so sorry.”

  Holly turned to face him and her eyes glistened. “You let me down, Jack.”

  He closed his eyes slowly as though the very thought of that pained him. “I know. I just didn’t handle the whole situation well, Holly. I found it so hard to deal with Gerry … you know …”

  “Dying,” Holly finished for him.

  “Yeah.” He clenched and unclenched his jaw and looked like he had finally accepted it.

  “It wasn’t exactly easy for me, you know, Jack.” A silence fell between them. “But you helped me pack away all his things. You went through his belongings with me and made the whole thing so much easier,” Holly said, feeling confused. “You were there with me for that, why did you just suddenly disappear?”

  “God, that was so tough to do,” he shook his head sadly. “You were so strong, Holly … you are strong,” he corrected himself. “Getting rid of his things just tore me up, being in the house and him not being there just … got to me. And then I noticed you were getting closer to Richard, so I just figured it would be OK for me to take a step back because you had him …” He shrugged his shoulders and blushed at the ridiculousness of finally explaining his feelings.

  “You fool, Jack,” Holly said, thumping him playfully in the stomach. “As if Richard could ever take your place.”

  He smiled. “Oh, I don’t know, you two seem very pally-pally these days.”

  Holly became serious again. “Richard has been very supportive over the past year, and believe me people haven’t failed to surprise me at all during this whole experience,” she added, getting in a dig. “Give him a chance, Jack.”

  He stared out to the sea and nodded slowly, digesting this.

  Holly wrapped her arms around him and felt the familiar comforting hug of her brother. Hugging Holly even tighter, Jack said, “I’m here for you now. I’m going to stop being so selfish and take care of my little sister.”

  “Hey, your little sister is doing just fine on her own, thank you very much,” she said sadly as she watched the sea crash violently against the rocks, its spray kissing the moon.

  · · ·

  They sat down for their meal and Holly’s mouth watered at the spread of food before her.

  “I got an e-mail from Ciara today,” Declan announced.

  Everyone oohed and aahed.

  “She sent this picture of
herself.” He passed around the photograph he had printed off.

  Holly smiled at the sight of her sister lying on the beach eating barbecued Christmas dinner with Mathew. Her hair was blond and her skin was tanned and they both looked so happy. She stared at it for a while feeling proud that her sister had found her place. After traveling around the world searching and searching, she reckoned Ciara had finally found contentment. Holly hoped that would happen to her eventually. She passed the photo on to Jack and he smiled and studied it.

  “They’re saying it might snow today,” Holly announced, taking a second helping of dinner. The top button on her trousers had already been opened, but it was Christmas, after all; the time of giving and eh … eating …

  “No, it won’t snow,” Richard said, sucking on a bone. “It’s too cold for that.”

  Holly frowned. “Richard, how could it be too cold to snow?”

  He licked his fingers and wiped them on the napkin that was tucked into his shirt and Holly tried not to laugh as she noticed he was wearing a black woolly jumper with a big picture of a Christmas tree emblazoned across the front. “It needs to get milder before it can snow,” he explained.

  Holly giggled. “Richard, it’s about minus a million in the Antarctic and it snows there. That’s hardly mild.”

  Abbey giggled.

  “That’s the way it works,” he said matter-of-factly.

  “Whatever you say.” Holly rolled her eyes.

  “He’s right, actually,” Jack added after a while and everyone stopped chewing to stare at him. That was not a phrase they often heard. Jack went on to explain how snow worked and Richard helped him out on the scientific parts. They both smiled at each other and seemed satisfied they were Mr. Know-it-alls. Abbey raised her eyebrows at Holly and they shared their secret look of shock.

  “You want some vegetables with your gravy, Dad?” Declan asked, seriously offering him a bowl of broccoli.

  Everyone looked at Frank’s plate and laughed. Once again it was a sea of gravy.

  “Ha-ha,” Frank said, taking the bowl from his son. “Anyway we live too close to the sea to get any,” he added.

  “To get what? Gravy?” Holly teased and they all laughed again.

  “Snow, silly,” he said, grabbing her nose like he used to when she was a child.

  “Well, I bet you all a million quid that it snows today,” Declan said, eagerly glancing around at his brothers and sisters.

  “Oh well, you better start saving, Declan, because if your brainiac brothers say it ain’t so, it ain’t so!” Holly joked.

  “You better pay up then, boys.” Declan rubbed his hands together greedily, nodding toward the window.

  “Oh my God!” Holly exclaimed, excitedly jumping out of her chair. “It’s snowing!”

  “So much for that theory then,” Jack said to Richard, and they both laughed as they watched the white flakes sparkling down from the sky.

  Everyone deserted the dinner table and threw on their coats to run outside like excited children. But then again, that’s exactly what they were. Holly glanced down into the gardens lining the street and spotted the families of every household standing outside staring up into the sky.

  Elizabeth wrapped her arms around her daughter’s shoulders and squeezed her tight. “Well, it looks like Denise will have a white Christmas for her white wedding,” she smiled.

  Holly’s heart beat wildly at the thought of Denise’s wedding. In just a few days she would have to confront Daniel. As though her mother had been reading her mind she asked Holly gently and quietly so no one else would hear, “Have you thought about what to say to Daniel yet?”

  Holly glanced up at the snowflakes glistening down from the black star-filled sky in the moonlight. The moment felt so magical; right there and then she made her final decision.

  “Yes I have.” She smiled and took a deep breath.

  “Good.” Elizabeth kissed her on the cheek, “And remember, God leads you to it and takes you through it.”

  Holly smiled at the phrase. “He better, because I’m going to need him a lot over the next while.”

  “Sharon, don’t carry that case, it’s too heavy!” John yelled at his wife, and Sharon dropped the bag angrily.

  “John, I am not an invalid. I am pregnant!” she shouted back at him.

  “I know that, but the doctor said not to lift heavy things!” he said firmly, walking around to her side of the car and grabbing the bag.

  “Well screw the doctor, he’s never been bloody pregnant,” Sharon yelled, watching John storm off.

  Holly banged down the boot of the car loudly. She had had enough of John and Sharon’s tantrums; she had been stuck listening to them bicker all the way down to Wicklow in the car. Now all she wanted to do was to go to the hotel and relax in the peace and quiet. She was growing quite afraid of Sharon as well, her voice level had raised three octaves in the past two hours and she looked like she was going to explode. Actually, by the size of her pregnancy bump Holly was afraid she really would explode, and she didn’t want to be around for that happening.

  Holly grabbed her bag and glanced up at the hotel. It was more like a castle. It was the place Tom and Denise had chosen as the venue for their New Year’s Eve wedding, and they couldn’t have picked a more beautiful place. The building was covered in dark green ivy climbing up its aging walls and a huge water fountain adorned the front courtyard. Acres and acres of beautifully kept lush green gardens crept out around all sides of the hotel; Denise didn’t get her white Christmas wedding after all, the snow had melted minutes after it had arrived. Still, it had been a beautiful moment for Holly to share with her family on Christmas day, and it had succeeded in lifting her spirits for a short time. Now all she wanted to do was find her room and pamper herself. She wasn’t even sure if her bridesmaid’s dress would still fit her after she had piled on the pounds over Christmas. It was a fear that she wasn’t willing to share with Denise, as she would probably have a heart attack. Perhaps some minor alterations wouldn’t be too difficult … She also regretted telling Sharon she was worried about the fit as Sharon had screamed that she couldn’t even fit into the clothes she had worn the day before, never mind a dress she was fitted for months ago.

  Holly dragged her bag behind her over the cobblestones and was suddenly jerked forward and sent flying as someone tripped over her luggage.

  “Sorry,” she heard a singsong voice say and she looked back angrily to see who had almost caused her to break her neck. She watched the tall blonde as her hips went boom-boom heading toward the hotel. Holly frowned, that walk was familiar. She knew she knew it from somewhere but … uh-oh!

  Laura.

  Oh no, she thought, panicking, Tom and Denise had invited Laura after all! She had to find Daniel quickly so that she could warn him. He would be disgusted to find out she had received an invite. And then if the moment was right she would finish off that chat with him. If he still wanted to hear from her; after all, it had been almost a month since she had last spoken to him. She crossed her fingers tightly behind her back and rushed toward the reception area.

  She was greeted with mayhem.

  The reception area was crowded with angry people and luggage. Denise’s voice was instantly recognizable above all the noise.

  “Look, I don’t care if you’ve made a mistake! Fix it! I booked fifty rooms months ago for my wedding guests! Did you hear me? My wedding! Now I am not sending ten of them to some crappy B&B down the road. Sort it out!”

  A very startled-looking receptionist gulped and nodded wildly and tried to explain the situation.

  Denise held her hand up in his face. “I don’t want to hear any more excuses! Just get ten more rooms for my guests!”

  Holly spotted Tom looking perplexed, and she headed over to him.

  “Tom!” she beat her way through the crowd.

  “Hi Holly,” he said, looking very distracted.

  “What room is Daniel in?” she asked quickly.

  �
�Daniel?” he asked, looking confused.

  “Yes, Daniel! The best man … I mean, your best man,” she corrected herself.

  “Oh, I don’t know, Holly,” he said, turning away to grab a member of the hotel staff.

  Holly jumped to face him, blocking his view of the staff member. “Tom, I really need to know!” she panicked.

  “Look, Holly, I really don’t know; ask Denise,” he mumbled, and he ran off down the corridor chasing the hotel staff member.

  Holly looked at Denise and gulped. Denise looked possessed, and she had no intention of asking her in that mood. She queued in line behind all the other guests and twenty minutes later and a few sneaky moves to skip the queue, she reached the top.

  “Hi, I was wondering if you could tell me what room Daniel Connelly is in, please,” she asked quickly.

  The receptionist shook his head. “I’m sorry, we can’t give out guests’ room numbers.”

  Holly rolled her eyes. “Look, I’m a friend of his,” she explained and smiled sweetly.

  The man smiled politely and shook his head again. “I’m sorry, but it’s against hotel policy to—”

  “Listen!” she yelled and even Denise shut up screaming from beside her. “It’s very important that you tell me!”

  The man gulped and shook his head slowly, apparently too afraid to open his mouth. Finally he said, “I’m sorry but—”