An Unforgivable Love Story

by B. L. Berry

  I let him fuck me. Just as he unknowingly lets me fuck him over.

  Good riddance, asshole.

  After Simon cleans himself up and leaves, I draw myself a scalding hot bath, watching the steam escape from the surface, much like I want to escape from myself right now.

  I shed my clothes.

  Step in.

  And submerge my entire body. Desperate to drown in something, anything other than my own harrowing thoughts.

  I scrub my skin raw, erasing the memory of that man. Removing the traces of his wife on my skin. Removing myself from me.

  And there I stay, until the water is cold, doing my best to forget the salt he poured into my open wounds and remember just how much I hate myself.

  Forty

  Two Defining Words

  Me: Sharna - It’s done.

  Forty-One

  My Favorite Mistake

  Night used to be my favorite time of day. The stars would come out to play and I’d feel the nearness of Simon and hear the slow rhythm of his breathing as he’d slip into sleep.

  But now I dread nightfall.

  The cold and empty feeling it brings.

  I hate how my pillow still whispers his name but there is no man sleeping next to me.

  That man was merely a figment of what he wished he could be. What I wished he was. Instead of Simon, there is only darkness. And despair. And the evil whispers of my mind.

  Now that I’ve done what Sharna has asked, can I actually send her the file? Can I take the man I love, or at least thought I loved, and deliver his final blow? Am I that kind of woman? I didn’t think I was a vengeful person, but I managed to surprise myself the last time he was here.

  The power to kill him lies in my hands.

  And it would destroy him.

  Just as he’s destroyed me.

  And his wife.

  And his unborn child.

  But it is within that power that I can empower another. Ensure she is financially set for whatever life throws her way when she finally leaves him.

  It’s exhausting.

  I can’t not believe that what we had was real even though it was based on a bed of lies. At least the emotional end of it felt real.

  I blanche, remembering there’s a painful difference between fantasy and reality, a notion that stings my heart. And my reality is that I am … I was the other woman.

  And what is even more painful is the fact you have zero control over who you fall in love with. Right or wrong. Good or evil. Rhyme or reason. It doesn’t matter. Love is the most illogical and inexplicable thing mankind suffers through. That’s right, suffers through. You suffer your desires, your inhibitions, and the person you become when you’re with them … and without them. Love is an illness that deteriorates your heart, and right now I am suffering through my unequivocal love for the one man I shouldn’t. The man who was never truly mine.

  I collapse onto my pillow, forgetting about the video file taunting me on my laptop. I have yet to send it knowing that once I do, I can’t take it back. He’ll know that I deliberately fucked him over.

  Instead, I shove those thoughts from my mind, close my eyes and make love to the memories of the man I once knew one final time. I reminisce about things we never did, things a normal couple would do … potluck dinners with friends … decorating our apartment together … vacationing together … staying up all night chatting about nothing and everything.

  All of that … gone.

  Morning comes all too soon. And it comes with a rude awakening … the sound of my front door breaking down. In the matter of one restless night, my hate has become a living, breathing thing, consuming all rational thought.

  “Elyse!” Simon’s voice is laced with pain … or maybe it’s anger. It’s hard to tell after a sleepless night of self-loathing and hurt. “Elyse! Let me in. We need to talk!”

  Fuck. How the hell did he get up here?

  I don’t know what he knows. And I don’t know how much he realizes I know. But I know that he knows something. Whatever it is he thinks he needs to talk to me about isn’t going to be pretty.

  My heart is on the verge of breaking my ribcage from the inside out and swallow down the rising bile. I take a cleansing breath and exhale slowly, counting to ten.

  I grab my phone off the nightstand and fire off a text to Olivia, letting her know that Simon is here. I will undoubtedly need her presence after all is said and done. My toes dig into my soft shag throw rug as I walk to the door, prepared for the execution of my love life.

  I clench the metal of the deadbolt and hesitate, unsure if I’m really ready to confront my lover. I turn the lock and walk back into my living room, not even bothering to open the door. My days of inviting him in are over.

  The door creaks as he lets himself inside and I sit down, resting my head in my hands. I hear a duffle bag thud to the floor. He says something in hushed tones, but his words don’t register. It’s a far contrast from the outburst that happened on the other side of the door mere moments ago.

  He’s paces the room frantically, crossing its length in only a few footsteps before turning back to where he just came from.

  “Elyse, did you hear me? I’m in trouble and need a place to stay. I know it feels fast, but do you think I could stay here for a while with you?”

  My eyes snap to his and he looks about the same as I feel. Clearly he’s dealing with some obvious problems with his wife, but has no fucking clue that I’m involved with this mess. When our eyes lock, everything changes and Simon rushes to my side, kneeling before me on the floor.

  “Elyse, baby, what’s the matter? What happened?” He tenderly runs his thumb over my knee like a man would do to a woman he loves, attempting to soothe my wary mind.

  I shut my eyes tight.

  I want to shoot daggers and I want to fuck with him just like he fucked with me. But before I can even pull together a coherent thought in my head and speak the fury that is storming my mind, my heart gives warning without permission.

  “Simon, your wife says you signed a prenup.” My voice cracks at the mere thought of Sharna and I swallow hard, bracing myself for the verbal onslaught. “She came here, to my home, and told me that the man I was in love with was married. And about to be a father. And that our relationship broke an infidelity clause in the prenup that entitles her to the majority of your assets.”

  Simon’s breath hitches and his eyes narrow cautiously and he fists his hands in his dark locks. “What … how?” He whispers a string of expletives under his breath and looks away from me.

  “There’s more.” I’m surprised by the calmness in my voice. When I played this moment in my mind, I envisioned myself toying with Simon and clawing his fucking eyes out. But instead it comes out like a confession. A slow, painful, confession in which there is no appropriate way to repent.

  Simon sits back on his knees and presses his lips in a hard line.

  “She knows about your inheritance and all of the stipulations and clauses that come with it. That if you were married, you needed to have a child in order to ever touch a dime.”

  “Fuck.” It barely passes his lips as a whisper and I can practically see him doing the math in his mind.

  “She’s serving you divorce papers and going to take you for all that you’re worth.”

  The words taste bitter on my tongue and, for a moment, I actually feel bad for this man before me.

  “When was she here?”

  My stomach turns and I look away, focusing on a framed photo of me and Olivia on a shelf in the corner of the room. Fighting to keep my voice calm and slow, I continue with my confession trying to stay void of emotion. I’ve rehearsed this part in my mind over and over again, but nothing could have prepared me for the real thing as I watch him crumble before me.

  “Sharna … She came here a few days ago. She told me everything.”

  “Shit,” he whispers brokenly. Simon wraps his arms around my legs and holds on for dear life. When I hear him choke ou
t an apology, I can’t contain my emotions. My eyes meet his again and I can feel my heart beating in my throat,, the tears collecting in my eyes …

  The anger boiling underneath my skin.

  Hastily, I push him off of my legs and unscrew the cap that kept my emotions at bay. “You said she was dead! You made me believe that you were a widower. So imagine my surprise when a beautiful, pregnant woman shows up on my doorstep asking if she can talk to me about her husband. Wanting to talk about Simon St. John! How could you fucking do something like that?”

  I wait for him to spring off into some sob story soliloquy. To breakdown and regret the carnal sins we’ve committed. To run out the door, back to his wife, back to his family and beg her for forgiveness.

  But he doesn’t.

  Simon just sits there on the floor as if he’s groveling at my feet, eyes affixed to the floor. The tears silently stream down his cheeks until they fall from him jawline and tumble to the carpet beneath him. Centuries of silence fill the room.

  I bite my tongue, watching him crumble into a heap. There’s nothing I can say, or do, to comfort him. Not that I want to. My heart is at war with my head. How can I love a man so cruel, so deceitful? How can I live with myself? How can I feel this way after knowing what he’s done to his wife, after the position he’s put me in?

  I don’t know how I can love this man.

  But I do.

  The heart is as cruel and fucked up as it is blissful and up lifting.

  I love him. But I can never forgive him.

  “Say something.” I intend for it to sound biting, acidic even. I want him to feel hate rolling off my body, but I’m surprised that my voice reeks nothing but compassion and hope. “Tell me it’s not true.”

  His shoulders quake uncontrollably as he sighs. “There’s nothing I can say to make this right.” He withdraws his hand from my knee and opens both palms toward me, as if he’s showing me all the cards he’s holding onto. “It’s you, Elyse. You’re the one that I want.”

  “That’s not what I asked for.” And I couldn’t even believe him right now if I tried.

  He holds his head in his hands and loses himself as he gazes at the floor. He grinds his jaw, no doubt debating how to justify his dishonorable actions. “Sharna and I … we’ve had our fair share of problems since day one. But what we had was irreparable and we both know we never should have married in the first place. There’s no trust. Everything has always been based on lies.”

  “And we’re not?” I exasperate. Ever since I met Simon I haven’t been able to tell my up from down. But at least I know that what we have, as real as it felt, is beyond wrong. “I just want the truth. And not some bullshit half-truth.”

  If he gives me any half-truths I’ll be holding onto the wrong half.

  “The truth? The truth is I pulled divorce papers together ten months ago before I ever met you. Before Sharna went off of her birth control without telling me to deliberately get pregnant. Before any of this shit went down, I wanted out. I felt more in the first night we spent together than I did in the years sleeping next that woman. But it’s not like I can ask my wife to sign on the dotted line when she’s carrying my child. I just … I just couldn’t do it. I’m not that kind of guy.”

  He is beyond repulsive.

  “But you’re the kind of man who can lie and cheat? You’re the kind of man who could do me and go crawling back home to his pregnant wife? You’re the kind of man who has no problem telling me he’s a writer when in fact you’re more concerned with your checking account than you are of someone you claim to be in love with? That is not the man I fell for. I know exactly who I am, but I have no fucking clue who the hell you are.”

  “Please, let’s talk about this.”

  “Oh, you’ve done plenty of talking over the past few months! You need to leave,” I state bluntly.

  “Stop that, Elyse. Please stop …” His voice is desperate and I hate myself because he will always have some kind of hold over me. “When I met you, I was instantly drawn to you in ways that I had never felt before. I wanted to protect you from the complications of my past. I didn’t want you to love me for my money. I wanted that fresh start with you. Elyse, I love you. I am in love with you. Can’t you see that? Everything I ever felt for you, that was all real. Everything I ever told you, that was my heart laid out for you.”

  Laid with lies.

  My heart cinches and my shoulders quake uncontrollably as the tears flood my face with no warning. His reactions make a little more sense knowing what I know now. His freakout over the pregnancy test. The lies of his travel schedule. The way he managed to keep me close, yet simultaneously at a distance. But none of that matters. I am not about to justify his sordid actions. Even though he was never mine, a small piece of my heart will always belong to him.

  “The two of us, we are written in the stars, Elyse. Our love is as certain as the universe. As sure as the stars that come out at night. You and I are meant to be. Don’t you see that?”

  How can I be sure of something that can only be seen in the darkness? He always called me his sun. The one who lights up his night sky and chased the demons of his past away. But the one thing I’ve learned from him is that demons don’t only come out at night. More often than not, they are living and walking among us in broad daylight.

  I push myself off of the couch, forcing distance between us. “This is all too much, and way too late. If you had been honest with me from the start, maybe just maybe things could be different. But they can’t. They aren’t. You need to leave.”

  I hold my apartment door open, waiting for him to leave, but he doesn’t. So I grab the duffle bag that sits on the floor of my home and toss it out into the hallway.

  “I’m leaving her for you. She means nothing to me anymore. I choose you, Elyse. You.” I hate the sincerity in his voice, and I actually feel the truth in his statement, but I can’t listen to it.

  “You choose me? What the hell do you mean you choose me? Did you choose me every time you went home to your wife? Did you choose me when you kissed her and made love to her? How dare you say you choose me! You chose to keep me as your dirty little secret, dragging me around for who knows how long until you got exactly what you wanted. The only thing you chose was to be a selfish fucking prick!”

  Simon stands and closes the space between us. He grabs me by my shoulders and looks at me like he’s just learned that the love of his life really is dead. Glassy eyes and quivering lips, the panic radiating from his body is palpable. “No … Don’t say that. You’re everything to me, Elyse.”

  I shut my eyes and swallow hard.

  Then it happens.

  His lips are hard against mine and my mouth betrays me as I kiss him with fury and passion and the fire of a thousand suns. I want to commit him to memory one final time. I love this man. I hate this man. I want to make this man pay for everything he’s done to me. I am so fucking angry. Furious with him, but more so with myself in this moment.

  As guilt washes over, I whimper in his mouth. I claw my nails into his arms and push him away with as much strength as I can harness. And then my palm meets his face with a painful sting. All I can think about is fight or flight and how I never expected to desperately need both sentiments at the exact same time.

  “I can’t do this, Simon! I won’t! I refuse to be used and abused by you.” Through blurred eyes, I thrust my index finger into his chest emphasizing every last word of my demand. “I want to see the good in you, Simon. I really do. But the damage is done. And I’m forever ruined because of you.”

  “That’s the thing, you can’t just seek out the good in me. You need to see the bad parts, too.”

  “Oh, trust me, I see all of your demons! But what you fail to see is that I became your demon.” My rage rises and my cheeks turn hot.

  Simon hangs his head and shuffles toward the door. Under his breath he mutters something about me not being his demon but being everything he ever needed. But I don’t buy that bullsh
it.

  “Just go.”

  Standing on the other side of the doorway, he looks at me with bloodshot eyes. His shoulders writhe as he cries like a goddamned baby. And with that single look he crushes me.

  I have to strain to hear his final words to me as they barely come out in a hoarse whisper. “Please. Let me stay. Let’s work this out. I can’t promise you that every day is going to be a good day. And honestly, most days will probably just be crazy. Because that’s how I love. That’s how I am. I am madly, insanely, crazy about loving you. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.”

  With the back of my hand, I wipe away the traitor tears. “While that may be true, that’s just not enough for me, Simon. I deserve better than this. And you sure as hell don’t deserve me.”

  I close the door in his face and turn the deadbolt. Locking him out forever.

  He will always be my Simon.

  My unintended.

  My favorite, most hated mistake.

  Forty-Two

  Hell

  “What are you doing here?” I ask, cautiously unhinging the chain lock. I had been prepared to spend an evening in self-loathing, reflecting upon the damage I’d done. Alex was the last person I expected to see knocking on my door.

  “Olivia called me a bit ago. She’s, uh … she’s still at her parents’ house out in the suburbs. I thought you could use a friend. But if you don’t want me here, I can go. I’m just … I don’t know. I’m worried about you, Elyse.”

  Typical Olivia. Sending in backup reinforcement. She’s probably tired of hearing my shit.

  “She told you?” I have no idea exactly what it is he knows, and I hate that he’s probably silently judging me.

  He nods apologetically. “And I’m so sorry you two split up. I just didn’t want you to be alone. Like I said, I thought you could use a friend. That’s all …”

  The sincerity in his voice surprisingly puts me at ease and so I step back, opening the door further to allow him inside. But if he’s here to lecture me, I will seriously lose my shit. Alex steps through and sets a reusable grocery bag on the floor.