Campy (Ballsy Boys Book 4)

by K. M. Neuhold

  His faint happy trail, which I follow with my fingers, then my mouth, making him squirm. I roll his balls in my hands as I lick the precum off his cock, and he bucks up from the bed.

  “Jackson,” he says again, and his voice breaks.

  “You want more, darlin’?”

  “I need you. Fuck, I need you so much.”

  My fingers loosen him, slick with lube, and he opens up for me so easily, so greedily. We don’t speak another word as I carefully slide inside him, my breath catching in my lungs. Will this ever not feel like a miracle, like a gift I get to treasure?

  He sucks me in, pulling his legs up and folding them around me, holding on to me with both hands. I love you. The words are on the tip of my tongue and I force them back, choosing instead to kiss him. I slide in and out of him as our tongues dance, but then that gets too slow for me.

  Cam works his hips upward to meet my thrusts, an indication he wants me to speed up as well. And so I increase my rhythm, filling him with deep, steady strokes. My right hand wraps around his cock, just the way he likes it, and keeps the same pace.

  “Jackson…”

  My name sounds like a sob now.

  “Let go, I’ll catch you. I’ll always catch you.”

  He cries out, then releases all over my hand. He’s still shaking, his eyes closed, when I feel my own orgasm barrel through me. I grunt as I fill up the condom, my hips moving in a rhythm that’s completely instinctual. I hold him for a long time, the condom quickly thrown away, until he stops clinging to me.

  He’s already half-asleep when I wash his cum off myself and him and clean him up. When I slip back under the sheets with him, his deep breathing indicates he’s asleep. I pull him close and finally release the words I’ve held back the entire time.

  “I love you, Cam.”

  32

  Campy

  It’s a familiar moment, sitting in my car in my mom’s driveway with Jackson holding my hand, telling me it’ll be okay. Unsurprisingly, this coming out is much more stressful than the last. I knew she wouldn’t care about me not being straight, and I knew she already liked Jackson so there wasn’t much risk. But, telling her I’ve been doing porn to pay for her medical bills? Yeah, this is scary as fuck.

  “It’s not going to change how much she loves you,” Jackson says, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze.

  “I know. But what if she doesn’t respect me anymore? What if she’s not proud of me anymore?”

  “Darlin’, look at me,” he says, cupping my chin and turning my head away from the house and toward him. “The fact that you’ve done what you had to do to take care of your mama is admirable as hell. No one could possibly look down on that. And, I know I don’t know her as well as you do, but she doesn’t exactly strike me as the prude type. Even if you were doing porn simply because you enjoyed it, I don’t think she’d look down on you for that either.”

  I take a deep breath and reach for the door handle to get out of the car, reluctantly letting go of Jackson’s hand so he can do the same.

  When we enter her house, her caretaker is still there finishing up for the day, and we spend a few minutes chatting and getting updates from her before she leaves and I go in search of my mom.

  I’m not surprised she’s in her bedroom, but I’m happy to see she has a finished tray of food on the nightstand and looks much better cared for than she was before I hired her nurse. Jackson is right about one thing, there’s no way I can feel ashamed of my job when it’s given me the ability to take care of her like this.

  “Hey, Mom,” I greet her, bending over the bed to give her a hug and then letting Jackson do the same.

  “Hi, how are my boys doing today?”

  “Good,” I assure her.

  “Then what’s with the frown?”

  “No frown.” I paste on my best fake smile.

  “Please, you don’t think I know my son’s fake smile when I see it?”

  “Okay, fine. There’s just something I need to tell you about,” I confess, settling at the foot of her bed while Jackson grabs the chair from the corner of the room and pulls it closer.

  “That doesn’t sound good.”

  “It’s not so bad,” I lie. “Here’s the thing…” I reach for Jackson’s hand, needing to feel his steady presence while I say this out loud for the first time. “You know how I told you I work as a vet tech while I’m saving up to go back to school?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, the truth is, I could never make enough to support you and pay my own bills working as a vet tech. I tried at first, but I was hardly scraping by and I wasn’t able to pay for all your different meds and everything.”

  She struggles to sit up, a look of concern on her face. Jackson jolts forward, dropping my hand to help her get into a sitting position.

  “If you tell me you’ve been doing something illegal to get the money, I’m going to kick your ass six ways to Sunday.”

  “It’s not illegal, Mom,” I assure her. “It’s just…um…god this is embarrassing…” I put my face in my hands, unable to look at her when I say this. “I’m in porn.”

  “Porn?” she repeats.

  “Yes,” I confirm. “For a while now, I’ve been working at a gay porn studio. It pays well and the owner of the studio is really nice, so we’re all treated well there. It’s obviously not my dream job or anything, but it’s really not so bad. The other guys I work with have become good friends and it’s given me the ability to pay for everything you need and still keep up with my own living expenses.”

  My mom sniffles and I lower my hands from my face to check on her. There are tears streaming down her cheeks that Jackson wipes away just as gently as he always wipes mine away. He reaches for a tissue from the nightstand and hands it to her.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disappoint you.”

  “Oh, baby,” she reaches for me with a shaky, weak arm. “I’m not disappointed in you. I’m hating myself right now for this stupid disease that’s stolen my independence and taken your dreams with it.”

  “It’s not your fault. We’re both just trying to get through this,” I assure her. “I’ve never blamed you.”

  “I want to see you achieve your dreams. I don’t want you to spend your life doing something just to pay my bills. You should stop worrying about me and go back to school.”

  “Mom,” I reach for her hand. “I’m never going to stop worrying about you. I am going to go to school and become a veterinarian, but right now, you’re my top priority. Eventually everything else will fall into place. I really believe that.”

  “I’m going to do everything I can to make his dreams come true,” Jackson vows, handing her another tissue.

  “I’m glad he has you,” she says, giving Jackson one of those sweet, moony looks.

  “Me too,” I agree, smirking at Jackson and loving the blush forming on his cheeks.

  Two days later, the headline seems to be on every magazine and gossip website: Hill Country Star Shacking Up with Popular Gay Porn Star!

  By the way, don’t even get me started on there being an exclamation point in an article title. Of course, the wording varies in some of them, but the message always comes across loud and clear—handsome, up-and-comer star slumming it with a Ballsy Boy.

  As predicted, Rebel was completely thrilled with the development since our subscribers have increased by fifteen percent, and views on my videos have doubled in some cases. Comments like “I wonder if Jackson will ever guest star in a video with Campy” make me cringe every time I catch sight of them on a video. That would be a hell no. But, Rebel told me I can’t say that when someone tweets it at me. My approved response is “You never know ;)”. The winky face makes me feel extra gross about the whole thing.

  I’m glad I told my mom ahead of time, but I wish I’d found a way to tell Julie and everyone else at the wildlife center too so they wouldn’t have to find out this way. I can only imagine what they’re all thinking about me now. I wonder what D
r. Marx and his boyfriend think. Are they disgusted? Amused? Have they watched my videos together?

  Bile rises in my throat and I toss my phone aside, promising myself for the countless time that I’m going to stop looking at the articles and comments.

  I flop sideways on the couch, committing fully to feeling pathetic about my life, when my phone rings. When I see my mom’s name on the caller ID, my heart leaps into my throat and I hurry to answer it.

  “Mom, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine, honey. I was just calling to check on you. My nurse, Tiffany has been reading me these articles about you and I was worried about how you might be feeling.”

  I let out a long breath. “They’re not saying anything bad about me at least.”

  “Of course they’re not. What bad could they possibly say? You’re an honest, hardworking young man.”

  “Yeah,” I mumble, unconvinced.

  “Cameron Michael Wallace, you listen to me right now,” she says sternly, the use of my full name making me sit up and pay attention. “I am proud of you.”

  My breath catches as her words sink in and, to my embarrassment, tears prickle at my eyes. “You don’t have to say that just to make me feel better.”

  “Have I ever been the kind of mother who bullshits you?”

  “No,” I admit with a watery laugh.

  “You are an amazing young man, and I couldn’t be more proud to call you my son.”

  I mean to laugh again, but it comes out as a sob this time, fat tears forming at the corners of my eyes and rolling down my cheeks as my response completely gets away from me. On the other end of the phone, my mom makes soothing noises while I cry out all the fear and shame that have grown so vast inside me they were becoming suffocating. Each tear feels like a baptism or maybe more of a bleeding of all the darkness to make room for the light.

  I’m still crying when Jackson steps through the door, his expression going from neutral to panicked in an instant.

  “Mom, Jackson’s home.”

  “Okay, make sure he hugs you for me. I love you.”

  “Love you too, Mom.”

  I hang up and drop my phone on the cushion beside me before launching myself into Jackson’s arms.

  “Is everything okay?”

  I nod with my face pressed into his chest. “My mom said she’s proud of me,” I explain through sniffles.

  “Of course she’s proud of you,” Jackson says as if that was a foregone conclusion. “I’m proud of you too. You’re an incredible person. I—”

  He cuts off whatever he was about to say, instead tightening his grip around me and holding me closer.

  “Enough of this emotional bullshit, I think.” I laugh at myself, using the back of my hands to wipe my cheeks dry. “Why don’t we make dinner together and you can tell me about your day?”

  Jackson

  Cameron fell asleep early when we were watching a movie together and I carried him into the bedroom, where he’s now softly snoring in my arms. It’s a soothing sound, and he’s even more adorable and cute when he’s asleep, but I can’t sleep.

  It’s been such a rollercoaster, these last few days, what with all the news about his porn career breaking. I hate that he was forced to go public with it, and at the same time I’m grateful that it’s now out in the open. Secrets grow nasty, bitter roots deep inside you since they fester in the dark, and I hope that now that it’s out, he can let go of his self-doubt and shame about it. The crying he did tonight felt cleansing to me, and I can only hope he won’t come to regret it.

  It’s not been how I pictured a relationship would be like, but then again I’ve been known to be a tad over-romantic. Heck, I was ready to ride off into the sunset with Cam the day after meeting him, so my expectations may have been too high. But heck, I do hope this is it when it comes to storms and setbacks. I want some time to just be happy together, is that too much to ask?

  Maybe it is, I ponder. After all, this is what happens when you become famous…and I’m just getting started. I’m getting recognized more and more in public, which is flattering and super awkward at the same time. And Ethan said that’ll only get worse. Or better, depending on how you look at it.

  When I signed with her, Katie made me practice a signature, which made me snicker back then, but now I’m grateful. She told me to make it short, because I’d have to sign it many, many times, and boy, am I happy I listened to her. I’ll be signing stuff for a long time, I hope.

  Then it hits me. This news about me and Cam, this will reach Texas as well. Darn, my parents will find out about me having a boyfriend from the tabloids, if I’m not careful. And that he works in porn. No, they shouldn’t find out like that. I made that mistake last time, when I didn’t tell them about dropping out of college, and my father is still barely speaking to me.

  No, they need to hear this from me. My stomach already turns upside down at even the thought. I have no choice. Cameron is not a fling. I’m dead serious about him, about us, and that means telling my parents, and the sooner the better.

  I carefully turn Cameron on his side and sneak out of bed. There are a million things I can think of that I would rather do than this, but I don’t allow myself to think about them. It’s not even ten, so still early enough to call.

  My mom picks up on the third ring, “Hi, Jackson,” she says, careful warmth in her voice.

  “Hey Mama, how you been?”

  After she has filled me in on the latest gossip about the neighbors, she asks, “Were you just calling to catch up or was there something you wanted to tell me?”

  I take a deep breath, then blurt it out. “I have a boyfriend.”

  It’s deadly silent for a few seconds, and then she lets out a soft gasp. “Oh Jackson.”

  “I love him, Mama,” I say, putting it all on the line. “He’s not a phase, not something I will get over or outgrow. I love him, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.”

  A wave of nausea barrels through me as I wait for my mama to respond.

  “I don’t know what your dad will say,” she finally says. “This will come as a shock to him.”

  There’s something in her voice I’ve never heard before, something awfully close to insubordination. “What about you, Mama?” I ask softly. “How do you feel about it?”

  It takes a long time for her to respond, but I wait patiently, knowing I can’t rush her on this.

  “All I want for you is to be happy,” she says finally. “I’ll admit, Jackson, I don’t understand. I reckon none of us do if we’re not wired the same way. But I love you, and I want you to be happy. But your dad…”

  “I know, Mama. This will be hard for him.”

  “Is he nice, your man?” my mom asks, and with that question alone she shows me how far she’s come.

  “He’s wonderful. He’s kind and smart, and he has a great sense of humor. His mama is quite sick, and he works very hard to take care of her. He’s a good man, the best. I love him so much.”

  “It’s wonderful to hear you gush about him,” my mom says, affection clear in her voice.

  And Heaven help me, I’m about to make things even worse. “Mama, he’s working hard to make sure his mom has the best medical care, but that doesn’t come cheap. Their insurance doesn’t even cover half of it. He’s had to take on a job to pay the bills, and it’s not a respectable job, as Dad would put it. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  I want to give her the opportunity to wrap her mind around it by using code words, rather than coming right out and confronting her with the word porn.

  “Oh Jackson,” she says again. “I assume you mean he’s somehow working in the…adult entertainment industry?”

  A rush of love and pride for her fills me. That must’ve taken a lot for her to even say that out loud, and I’m a little surprised she even knows what it’s called.

  “Yes, Mama. The gay adult industry.”

  “Is this something we can keep hidden from your father?” That one
question speaks volumes about how far she’s willing to go to protect me, because she has never kept much from my dad, as far as I know.

  “I’m afraid not. I’m becoming quite well-known, and some people have found out about our relationship, and it’s already in tabloids everywhere. I didn’t want you to read about it in the news or hear it from neighbors.”

  “Your dad is going to be so upset,” she says. “Oh my gosh, I don’t know how I’m gonna tell him.”

  I fight back tears that burn in my eyes, the bitter result of knowing I’ve disappointed my parents. “I’m sorry, Mama. I love him.”

  “You don’t have a problem with him doing…that?”

  “He’s not doing it because he loves it. He’s doing it because he has no choice. He needs to take care of his mama, and this was the only thing he could think of that would make him enough money. I can’t help but think there’s some redemption in that, don’t you think?”

  “I suppose you’re right,” she says, her voice soft. “But your dad isn’t going to see it the same way.”

  “Will you tell him?” I ask.

  It’s weak of me, maybe. Cowardly. But I can’t do it. I can’t face the rejection and disappointment, not after last time.

  “I reckon I have little choice. He ain’t gonna be happy, and it might be a while before things get back to normal. Just know that I love you, and don’t forget to reach out to your brothers. I’m worried about Brax, Jackson. There’s something troubling him, and he ain’t talking to me. Just make sure he’s okay, will you?”

  That I can promise her with all my heart. “I’ve got him, Mama. He’s okay, don’t you worry.”

  She lets out a little laugh, but it doesn’t sound happy. “That’s my job as mama, my sweet boy. I worry about all of you.”

  I wipe away a tear at her term of endearment. “I never meant to hurt or disappoint you.”